Thank you, everyone, for your patience while I finished this! And thank you, everyone, who put me on your favorites and gave me such encouraging reviews. I appreciate your support. I hope you enjoy The Two Gentlemen of Tantalus in its entirety. It will might definitely be the weirdest Final Fantasy IX fan fiction you have ever read.

Life's an interesting thing, really. Hanging with a gang like Tantalus promises excitement. Performing a play one night and robbing a fat, overdressed noble the next leaves little room for boredom. Yet, at sixteen years of age I was still looking for more. My life was incredibly lacking when it came to one thing.

Women.

Flirting is a game. I'm challenged to read into a girl to find out what it is she wants to hear and simply say it. I've gotten a lot of dates that way. No one in particular ever kept my interested past a second meeting, but, hey, what can a guy do about it? The girls who fell for my lines were too eager for their own good, making them completely lacking intellectually. Odd enough, at sixteen I was still a virgin by choice rather than lack of opportunity, though I let the boys think what they like. I had girls throwing themselves at me, but they were the kind who would be with any guy. Egotistical, perhaps, but I like to think of myself as a little bit more than your common thief. Although I hate to admit it, there was a time it came pretty close, although I'd hardly call the diminutive teenager common.

"Yo Zidane, heads up!" Blank shouted, tossing me a beer. Tipsy, he aimed terribly low and the bottle hit the deck and rolled towards me. I curled my tail around the glass, snatching it up before it rolled off the deck. I leaned against the railing of our theater ship, Prima Vista. My best friend, Blank, and I were the only two still awake--perhaps conscious would been a more accurate term--after Tantalus had spent the evening partying in honor of Baku's birthday. Prima Vista hovered above a patch of meadow about twenty five miles west of Lindbulm.

"You're smashed, Blank," I challenged, my words slurred, leaning idly against the rail. I sipped the beer with slouched shoulders, bored.

"Not as much as you are," he replied, belching. He playfully punched my shoulder.

"Naw," I grinned and vaulted onto the rail. I held up my hands in a shrug as I balanced on the narrow beam. "See?"

Alcohol is terrible. I began to wobble. So maybe while drunk wasn't the best time to be showing off. Oops. My feet went out from under me and I went flying. My hand shot and caught the edge of the deck.

"Zidane!" Blank cried as I dangled dangerously on the wrong side of the railing. The ground seemed such further below than its fifteen feet. A fall wouldn't kill me, but I didn't fancy breaking my leg.

Blank hopped over the railing, feeling his way. He relied more on feeling than sight because the enchanted belt that helped his vision was not always dependable. Hanging onto a vertical bar so he could lower himself towards me, I used my free hand to take Blank's.

"Whoops," he yelped as his grip slipped and footing went out. My stomach lurched with nausea as we went flying from the ship.

THUMP. THUMP. Instinctively I rolled, breaking my fall on a bed of moss.

"Damn," I muttered. "You okay, Blank?"

"Never been better," he chuckled and collapsed. I soon followed. There was no way for us to climb back onto the floating ship since Baku withdrew the ladder at night, and he certainly wouldn't want to be woken. Besides, Cinna or Marcus would lower the ladder for us in the morning without telling Baku about our little mishap. I curled up beside Blank and drifted into sleep with one hand rested on my dagger.

"Zidane! Wake up," Blank shook me out of my sleep. "The Prima Vista is leaving with out us!"

"My head... hungover. Go away," I growled, rolling so my back was against him. "What?" I shot up. My back popped as I leapt to my feet, more limping with soreness than running as I tore after Blank across the meadow.

"Wait!" we shouted, arms flailing. The Prima Vista picked up speed and rolled into the horizon. Exhausted, we watched as the bulk of the ship was lost in the glare of the rising sun.

"Shit," I muttered in between breaths. "What do ... we do ... now?"

"We walk," Blank snapped. We were cranky and hungry and hung-over. Not a good combination. We set out, marching in silence towards Lindbulm. Blank and I had been pals for so long we'd fight like siblings when our moods were fowl.

We didn't speak for about a half an hour. The sun soon rose high enough to glare in my face. I wiped my brow, feeling disgusting in yesterday's clothing. I'd give a hundred Gil for a half decent shower. At least we both were equipped, so we probably could handle any monsters roaming the plains. A fool let his weapon leave his side and that fool was dead.

"Zidane, behind you!" Blank interrupted my thoughts, breaking the silence. I pivoted around to see a great blue dragon rapidly approaching. It was only a juvenile, but I didn't fancy sticking around to find out if the two of us could take out a beast the size of a small cottage. I didn't have a phoenix down, so if Blank was knocked out I'd be stuck dragging him twenty miles back to Lindbulm. That is, if I survived the encounter.

Blank gripped my arm. "Come on, we'll loose it in the trees," he whispered. We shot off, bounding across the meadow leaping over logs and boulders. The forest loomed ahead of us while, I swear, I could feel the hot breath of the dragon scorching my tail.

We bound through a pair of trees and tumbled down a small hill. I tripped over a stump and landed with a big smack.

"C'mon," Blank said, flushed. I rolled onto my back to see the monster hovering over us. Its eyes were clouded with anger. Droll dribbled down its scaly chin.

It lunged. I rolled to the left, hopping to my feet with my daggers at hand, narrowly avoiding its jaws.

"Fluffy, you leave them nice boys alone!"

The beast dropped back and whimpered like a naughty puppy and scurried of. Blank and I exchanged confused glances.

A woman at a ripe age of forty stepped out from behind a tree. She was plump with frizzy blond hair that stuck out from a tattered straw hat and skin that spilled beneath her chin like hardened wax. She appeared to be in her forties. I found myself avoiding her black-toothed, gaping smile.

"Don't mind mah Fluffy, he ain't doin' nothing but protectin' his family."

My eyes met Blank's and we shared a chuckle. We were definitely in the middle of nowhere.

"Good Marning, boys. The name's Mama Char. Don't get too many strangers `round these parts. Mind me askin' yer names, sugars?" She offered a chubby hand complete with blisters and dirt under her finger nails.

"I'm Blank and this is Zidane," Blank spoke diplomatically.

"What, if ye don't mind me asked, are you doin' in these parts?"

"We're actors separated from out troupe by misfortune, a foolish mistake on our part," I spoke for the first time, wooing her with all my false charm. "We are on our way to Lindbulm." I omitted the fact that we were also thieves. What a gal didn't know didn't hurt her, including old hicks. My ability to win-over affection is a bit more useful than just gaining dates, after all.

"City-slickers, huh? What troupe?"

"Tantalus," we chanted in union. I fought to restrain my swelling pride.

"Never heard of them." I frowned. Bah, what's a stupid hick know about acting? "But you two ain't gonna walk all the way back to the city. M'family owns a farm near `ere an' you can stay with us `til the next trade ship stops an' can take you back."

"It is appreciated," Blank spoke with soft politeness, "but we don't want to be a burden." He was playing the role of the guest, not wanting to seem to eager to accept Char's hospitality. Even if she put us up in a barn it would have been better than walking all the way to Lindbulm with few supplies.

"Nonsense, boys. You can send a letter to your friends--we even got our own moogle `round here--and let your friends know you wasn't eaten or nothing. I'll even putcha up in my girls' room. Say, are y'both unattached? Well, wait `til you meet my daughters. Ye wouldn't believe an old hag like me could have a pair of such beautiful girls. They's looking for husbands, mind you!" As we followed Char, she babbled on about how wonderful her children were. I winked at Blank and nudged him with my elbow, playing the role of horny teenager. Either way, hicks or not, we would be spending the evening with two girls who had probably never had had a boyfriend who wasn't her cousin. How lucky could we get?