Soul
"Heero!"
I stop. My
body tenses, my ears strain to hear his voice. But I don't turn to see him.
"Wait! Wait
for me!"
I shake my
head, relax my muscles, force my legs into moving. I walk away, the soft beat
of my heart echoing hollowly in my ears. My heart seems to beat in time with
each step I take, each beat echoing far within my mind:
I love you. I love you. I love you!
My eyes
close. They close only because I wish to not see. Not because there are tears.
There are never tears. I cannot cry. My hands clench into fists, but only
because I want them too. Not because I am angry or raging inside. No, I cannot
feel angry hurt either. My upper teeth protrude slightly, catching my lower lip
in a grip firm enough to draw blood. But I do not do it to stop words from
spilling out or to withhold a cry of pain. No, I have what is called
self-control. But I know it is not self-control. It's the loss of a soul.
I have not
the heart to feel, the heart to think. And without a heart, I have no soul. And
thus, I am only there. I breathe, I eat, I sleep, I perform daily functions.
I live.
And yet, I
am not alive. There's no meaning in my life. There's no spring to my step, no
eagerness to my eyes. I'm an empty shell. And yet…
Somehow he
caught sight of what was once there. When the others saw what I wanted them to
see, saw that I was a heartless bastard, he saw a shadow of what had once been.
When others asked themselves in whispered voices what life would I have after
the war, he saw potential. And when the others forgot me…he remembered.
Somehow he
saw past the empty threats and dark looks. He saw past the unfeeling cover I
successfully managed to pull off. He saw the shadows of a boy I once was, one I
barely remember…and that's why, he said; he fell in love with me.
I both pity
and envy him. I'm envious that he can feel love and recognize what it is. And
then, at the same time, I pity him. I pity him for the love that shines in his
eyes, that consumes him, devours every last waking moment of his. He can no
longer call his soul his own…because he's sharing it with his love…
He's
sharing it with me?
"Heero?"
his voice is questioning, almost frightened. "Are you okay?"
"Go away,"
I say, my voice a harsh monotone with effort not to reveal any emotion.
"Just-go."
"No!
Heero-,"
"I said get
away!" I cry loudly, whirling around to face him. "What part of that don't you
understand?"
"The going
away part! I know you don't mean it, so why are you pretending you do?" His
dark eyes are searching my face, looking for any hint of affection.
How can I
say no to him? How can I refuse the only person to care for me since I was very
small child? How can I say no to the only person who's ever sparked any life in
me? The truth is, I can't. But the truth lies…something that doesn't make
sense, but is a certainty anyway. "Wufei, go away! I don't want you! Not now!
Not ever!"
"But you
did last night," his voice is low, a soft angry hiss. "I wasn't imagining it
was I? Was I imaging the way your lips responded to mine? The way your hands
sought out my body? Was I?" I stand silent, not meeting his eyes. "Answer me
Heero!"
"No," I
breathe out finally. "No, it was not your imagination, Wufei." He is waiting,
waiting and hoping that three words will be added onto the quiet statement. Can
I say them? Or will I walk away from him…
"Heero,
please," his voice is so soft, so gentle, so terribly loving. "Tell me what you
feel."
"What do I
feel?" Even I am shocked by the measure of angry, bitter resentment in my
voice. "What do *I* feel? Wufei, haven't you noticed? I *don't* feel!"
"Yes you
do!"
"What makes
you so sure of that? What makes you think you know me so well?" I demand, my
eyes meeting his in an angry gaze.
"Because…if
you didn't care…you wouldn't have asked last night. You wouldn't have turned
around when you heard me call. You would have kept walking…" His voice falters
and he is silent, his eyes still meeting mine in a silent challenge.
"I don't
care," I whisper, shaking my head. "I don't!"
"You don't
*want* to, but you do!"
Our eyes
break apart and I gaze down on my hands, concentrating on them. They clench
once more, and I raise my eyes to meet his again. A mistake. His eyes are
fairly glowing with love…I catch my breath sharply and hold it.
For in his
eyes, amid the glow of his love, I can see the soul I should have flickering
there out of reach. My eyes dart away from his face and then back to his eyes.
"Wufei," I whisper faintly, my knees growing weak. I can think clearer now,
clearer than I ever have before. I love him. I have for so long. And will for
so much longer…. "Wufei!" My voice is stronger now, although I am still
weak-kneed and have the distinct feeling I am trembling beneath his gaze.
"Heero?"
"I-I," the
words won't come. For the first time in my life, I am afraid. I am afraid to
tell him that I love him. "I-,"
His eyes
brighten and he whispers fiercely, "Do you really?"
I nod
helplessly, feeling exhausted with effort to whisper the words to him.
"Really."
"Oh!" It's
the only word he can say as he steps closer, his lips hovering a hairbreadth
above mine. Our eyes meet and my lips form the words, although I can't speak.
And then his lips quickly capture mine and my arms around him and I never want
to let go.
::End::