The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride
The Billion-Dollar Princess Bride
Part 10
[It's dusk.
Angle and Big Show are just outside Titan Towers, looking down at the main
door]
Big Show:
Angle, there are a helluva lot more than thirty wrestlers there!
Angle: [propping
up Jericho] What's the difference? We've got Y2J!
Here, we have to force-feed him. [they pop Heyman's pill into Jericho's
mouth]
Jericho: [disoriented]
I'll put you in the walls! I'll take you in a handicap match! [a
pause] Why won't my arms move?
Big Show:
You've been jobbing all day.
Angle: We
had Paul Heyman create a pill to give you a push!
Jericho:
Who are you two? And where's my trashbag ho?
Angle: Let me
explain... Stephanie is gonna marry Helmsley in about half an hour. We
need to get into Titan Towers, crash the wedding, find the billion-dollar
princess, and escape... well, after I make Stone Cold tap to the ankle-lock.
Jericho: Glad
the pressure isn't on... What I wouldn't give for a shiny silver ring robe...
Big Show:
[pulls out a shiny silver ring robe] Would this do?
Angle: Where
did you get that?
Big Show:
At Heyman's
Jericho:
Alright, alright, help me up. [They help him up] Let's
go!
[they make their way
to Titan towers]
[Inside Titan Towers]
Helmsley:
You don't seem very happy, Steph.
Stephanie:
I'm marrying a backstabber who hangs out with a guy who's favourite word
is "WHAT". SHOULD I be happy?
Helmsley:
Brides usually ARE.
Stephanie: I'm
not going to marry you tonight! I told you Jericho will come back to torment
me, and I know he will!
[Stephanie leaves]
[Half an hour later]
[In the ring:
Music blares. Helmsley and Stephanie make their way to ringside and stand
before Kanyon]
Kanyon: Mawwiage.
Mawwiage isth what bwings usth togethaw today. Mawwiage,that bwessthed
awwangement, that dweam wif'in a dweam...
[From outside, the
voice of RVD is heard]
RVD: Chill
out, man! Jeez... calm down!
[Outside, Big Show
is dressed in the ring robe]
Big Show: [holding
a mic] I am the Dread Pirate no-seller! There will be no
pushes from this day forward!
Angle: Now?
Jericho:
Not yet.
[they wait a moment]
Angle: [getting
impatient] Now?!
Jericho:
Hit the pyros and music! [Pyros explode all around Big Show. A
song blares out, "Weeeeeell, well it's the Big Show..."]
Big Show:
The Dread Pirate no-seller---uh...
[Most of the Titan
Towers Wrestlers scatter in all directions before he has a chance to finish
his promo]
[Back in Titan Towers,
Helmsley and Stephanie are still in the ring]
Kanyon:
Then wove, twue wove, will follow you fowever...
[Outside]
RVD: [unnaturally
calm as the other wrestlers scatter] Guys... c'mon... where are ya
running too? [looks confused for a moment as he finally notices Big
Show] Damn, what was in that coffee earlier?
[inside]
Kanyon:
So tweasure youw...
Helmsley:
[interrupting] Kanyon, the fans' attention spans aren't this
long! Get to the end already!
Stephanie: [she
hears the noise outside] Here comes Jericho now.
[Outside, Big
Show has removed the robe and all the wrestlers, except RVD, have fled]
[inside]
Helmsley:
Jericho's a jobber. I de-pushed him myself.
Stephanie:
Then why do you look all freaked out? Afraid he may take your spot?
[outside]
Jericho:
[to RVD] Get us inside!
RVD: [calmly]
I can't get you inside, man. They'll fire my ass.
Angle: Big
Show, start cutting another promo
RVD:[looking
a little scared] OK, man. It's cool. Everything is cool when you're
[points to himself with each letter] R-V-D... besides, no one should
have to endure Big Show on the mic!
[back inside]
Kanyon:
Do you Billion-Dollaw Pwincess Stefawnie...
Helmsley: [annoyed]
Just say man and wife already!
Kanyon:
[confused] But that'sth not the way it goesth, Tripow H!
Helmsley: Just
DO it before I take my sledgehammer to your ass!
Kanyon: [quickly]
Man and wife!
Helmsley: [to
a nearby Vince McMahon] Show Steph to the honeymoon suite.
I'll be there shortly.
Stephanie: [angry]
That big stupid blonde JERK didn't come!!!
[Big Show, Angle and
Jericho are in Titan Towers. Big Show is holding up Jericho. Angle,
leading the way, meets with Stone Cold and four of his butt-kissers]
Stone Cold:
Job the blonde one and the Big Slow... WHAT? I said job the blonde one
and the Big Slow... but I wanna talk to the third one!
[The guards try to
rush by Angle, but are no match for his ankle-lock submission hold. Angle
makes all four tap out. Only Stone Cold remains]
Angle: [to
Stone Cold] Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You stole my
medals. Prepare to tap!
[Just as Angle and
Austin prepare to wrestle, Austin turns around and
runs away. Angle
chases after Stone Cold, who locks one of the doors behind him. Angle is
not strong enough to break through]
Angle: Big
Show! Get your big butt over here!
Big Show:
I can't leave Jericho alone!
Angle: As a man
of integrity, I can understand that... but Austin is getting away!! Help
your olympic hero! Please!
[Big Show goes and
knocks the door down easily]
Angle: Thanks
[heads after Stone Cold]
[Vince and Linda escort
Stephanie from the chapel]
Vince: Well, that
was a strange wedding...
Linda: Yes,
very strange. Let's go, Vince. [Linda exits]
[Stephanie slaps her
father]
Vince: What was
that for?!
Stephanie:
Because you didn't stop the wedding!! I'm joining the Alliance once I reach
the honeymoon suite, and then I'll come back and take revenge on you!
Vince: [outraged]
WHAT? How could you do that to your own father?! [Stephanie runs off]
STEPH! GET BACK HERE!
[Back in the hallway,
Angle is still chasing Stone Cold. Stone Cold eventually runs into a dead
end. Stone Cold stops and kicks Angle in the stomach, then gives
him a Stone Cold stunner]
Stone Cold:
You must be that Olympic Hero I stole the medals from! WHAT? I said you
must be that Olympic Hero I stole the medals from!
Angle: [weakly]
Oh it's true. And I plan on getting them back...
Stone Cold: You
can't, ya silly bastard! WHAT? I said you can't! I threw 'em in the river!
[laughs evilly]
[Still lying on the
ground, Angle starts to cry]
Stone Cold: [with
an evil smile] Lookatcha! WHAT? I said LOOKATCHA! You're PATHETIC!
[In the Honeymoon
suite, Stephanie is wearing a T-shirt, and jeans and tries to set her usual
skanky clothing on fire. Jericho lies behind her on the bed]
Jericho:
Thank goodness you're burning those.
Stephanie: [seeing
him finally] Jericho! [she stops] Wait a sec... were you watching
me CHANGE? You PERVERT!
[Stephanie slaps him]
Jericho:
OW!
Stephanie:
OW? What's wrong with you? You usually block my slaps, then insult me or
something and---
Jericho: [wincing]
Yeah well... not right now...
[Stephanie looks confused]
[The scene is back
to Angle and Stone Cold]
[Angle stops crying
and gets back to his feet, a wild angry look in his eyes]
Stone Cold: [surprised
Angle kicked out] Are you no-selling my stunner? WHAT? I said are you
no-selling my stunner? I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin! I don't deserve this!
I don't deserve some silly olympic bastard no-selling my stunner!
Angle: [ignoring
Stone Cold's words] Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You destroyed
my medals. Prepare to tap! [Austin punches him, but Angle still
no-sells] Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You destroyed my
medals. Prepare to tap! [Angle lunges at Stone Cold] Hello,
my name is Kurt Angle. You destroyed my medals. Prepare to
tap!
Stone Cold:
[frightened and angry] Stop saying that! WHAT? I said STOP
SAYING THAT! WHAT? WHAT? [Angle knocks Austin on his back]
Angle: [enraged]
Hello, my name is Kurt Angle. You destroyed my medals. Prepare
to tap! [Angle grabs Austin's ankle]
Stone Cold: NO!
DON'T!
Angle: [not
putting pressure on the ankle yet] Offer me an appology!
Stone Cold: [quietly]
I'm sorry...
Angle: WHAT? [starts
to put a little pressure on]
Stone Cold: [a
bit louder] I said I'm sorry... [Angle puts a bit more pressure
on] I'M SORRY!! I'M SORRY FOR THROWING YOUR MEDALS IN THE RIVER!
Angle: [smiling
coldly] Offer me a title shot!
Stone Cold: [begging
pathetically] I'll offer you anything. WHAT? I said I'll offer you
anything!
Angle: [putting
the ankle-lock on full-force] I want my medals back, you bald-headed
redneck![Stone Cold screams as he taps out]
[Stone Cold is crying
now. Angle finally breaks the hold]
Angle:[staring
down at the sobbing Stone Cold] Look at you! WHAT? I said look at you!
You're pathetic!
[Angle then runs off
to find Jericho]
[The Honeymoon suite]
Stephanie:
Jericho, can you forgive me?
Jericho: For what?
Being a trashbag ho?
Stephanie: [angry]
I am NOT a... never mind! I mean can you forgive me for getting married.
I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Jericho: Everything
is fast with you, Steph... but don't worry. The wedding never happened.
Stephanie:
What?
Jericho:
It never happened.
Stephanie:
But it did! I was there...this guy with a speech impediment said
'man and wife'.
Jericho:
Did you say "I do"?
Stephanie:
Well... no.
Jericho:
Then you're not married [looks at the door to the suite] Isn't that
right, Trip?
Helmsley:
I can fix that with a few drinks and a 24-hour chapel in Vegas! [He
holds up his sledgehammer]
Jericho: [slowly
sitting up] The Sledgehammer again, huh, Trip? Ok then... we'll
wrestle a last-man standing match!
Helmsley:
Last-man standing?
Jericho: You got
it, ass-clown!
Helmsley:
That may be the first time in my life a JOBBER has called me an ass-clown!
Jericho: I'm NOT
a jobber! Heyman gave me a push!
Helmsley: Is that
supposed to mean something to me?
Jericho: It means
that when I'm through with you, all you'll hear is people laughing when
you hit the ring! It means that the "Helmsley Sucks" chants will be almost
as deafening as the "X-Pac sucks" chants! It means wrestling promoters
will look at you and say, "Hey, isn't that Prince Helmsley? He used to
be good! Now he's just a pathetic jobber!" [in a cold voice] It
means I will leave you with a Y2J beating you will never eeeeeeeeever forget!
Helmsley:
I think you're bluffing.
Jericho:
It's possible, Junior. I might be bluffing. I'm only lying here because
you jobbed me to hell. Then again, perhaps that push Heyman gave me is
finally kicking in [Slowly, Jericho stands, cracking his knuckles]
Drop... your... sledgehammer.
[Helmsley hesitates,
then sees how dead-serious Jericho is. Helmsley drops his sledgehammer
to the ground, realizing that with the 'Heyman push', Jericho could royally
kick his ass. Helmsley sits down, stunned at this new turn of events]
[Stephanie ties Helmsley
up]
[Just then, Angle
comes in]
Angle: Hey, Jericho...
Where's Big Show?
Jericho:
I thought he was with you? [Angle shakes his head] In that case...[Jericho
starts to move then almost falls over]
Angle: [to
Stephanie] Help him.
Stephanie: Why
does Jericho need helping?
Angle: Because
he was forced to watch really bad promos while denied mic time, and was
jobbed repeatedly. He hasn't fully recovered yet.
Helmsley:
I knew you were bluffing!
Angle: [indicating
Helmsley] Should I make him tap?
Jericho:
Naw. No point in totally ruining his credibility. Whatever happens
to us, I want him to wrestle a long career as a jobber in the indies.
Big Show: [from
outside the window] Hey, Angle! Where are you? [Angle
runs to the window]
Oh...there you are. Angle, I saw Prince Helmsley's garage, and there
was this big-ass limo! I figure since there were four of us, we could use
it to make our escape!
Angle: [to
Jericho] You know, I've been chasing after the bald-headed redneck
for so long, now that it's over I don't know what to do!
Jericho: Kirk,
you'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate No-Seller.
Narrator:
They all jumped into the limo and drove to freedom. As dawn arose,
Jericho and Stephanie knew they were safe. They poked their heads
through the sunroof, and reached for each other---
------------------------
"What,
Cousin?! What happened?" Crash asked desperately. "C'mon... don't
stop there!"
Hardcore
studies the page in front of him, "Man... this makes no sense! Like these
two would ever kiss!"
"Well,
of course they would! It's that 'love-hate' thing! C'mon! Read what it
says, Cousin!"
Hardcore
Holly took a deep breath, and continued.
------------------------
Narrator:
Jericho and Stephanie had only ever kissed twice, and both kisses garnered
a huge pop from the fans. The pop for this one left those two far behind.
THE END.
------------------------
"There.
Done. Now go to sleep!"
"Ok,
Cousin... but hey, can you come over and read it again to me tomorrow?"
Crash begged.
"WHY?"
Hardcore asked, "You can't read it yourself? Do I gotta smack you again?"
"NO!"
Crash covered his head, then peered up at Cousin Hardcore, "Can you PLEASE
come back again tomorow? Please? Please please?!"
"Fine...
only if you stop begging! You're a HOLLY! Holly's don't beg!"
Crash
nodded and agreed, and Cousin Hardcore left the room, promising to come
back the next day and read the story again.
THE END