Disclaimer: The Night World is the property of L.J. Smith as are any
of the characters you recognise like Thierry, Hannah, Keller, Lupe
etc.
Spoilers: All of the Night World books especially Witchlight as this
story occurs at the same time as Witchlight.
Part 13.
Des ran and ran until her breath came in sobs and her lungs burnt so much she thought they might burst. It was then she realised she had no where to go, she was all alone in the world and had no one, no where to run to. She had no choice but to go back to the house because as loath as she was to admit it, it was her only sanctuary, Daybreak was her only home now. She didn't want to feel self-pity but there it was and with it as always self-loathing because she knew everything that had happened to her was her own fault, the consequences of her own bad judgement and weakness.
Des was in bed when the others got back attempting to work herself out of her current misery attack. It was strange how the depression could come and go, sometimes all she needed to do was have a good cry and she'd feel better, other times it lasted days, weeks even. She hoped it wouldn't last too long this time she had to concentrate on protecting Winema not on her own problems.
She heard a knock at her door and Winema stuck her head into the room. "Are you okay?" she asked.
"Yeah sure I was just a little tired," Des replied glad Winema hadn't turned on the light so she couldn't see the mark on her face.
"I hear that," Winema said, "I think I'll sleep through 'til Monday I'm so tired." She emphasised this remark by yawning loudly. "Guess I should go, you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine," Des replied.
"Okay, 'Night Des."
"'Night Winema."
"'Night John Boy," Icarus called from the hall.
"'Night 'Rus," Des replied with a laugh.
An hour or so later Des still hadn't managed to get to sleep and her mouth and throat felt incredibly dry, so dry her tongue was sticking to her palate. She kicked her duvet off and considered getting out of bed. Her legs weren't liking the cold night air and she found it hard to persuade them the floor was where they wanted to go but she eventually managed it. She headed to the kitchen and had to pass Gwern's door. ^I won't look in, I won't look in,^ she told herself but it was like driving past a car crash she had to look, out of some kind of morbid curiosity if nothing else.
The light was on and Gwern was sitting on the edge of the far side of the bed with his back to her. He was wearing what he always wore to bed, an old pair of sweatpants that looked as if they seen about three wars, a couple of different painting jobs and the odd briar patch or ten, that was all and though Des had seen him the same way in the rush for the bathroom every morning they'd been in the house this time she found herself noticing things, things like how broad his shoulders were. She felt the heat of embarrassment on her face, Goddess what was she doing, this guy had hit her hours before hand and now she was noticing how handsome he was.
She also noticed how sad he looked, his face was buried in his hands and his shoulders were slumped. He just looked really sorrowful; she wondered what was wrong. Her feet were moving before she realised it, she walked over to him and kneeled on the floor beside him.
"Gwern," she whispered, "Gwern."
Gwern took his hands away from his face and looked down at Des. She was looking up at him with those big brown eyes and he felt his breath catch in his throat. Did she know how beautiful he thought she was? She had her hair tied back in a braid but little wisps had broken free and hung around her face. He wanted to brush them behind her ears for her but that would mean touching her and feeling how much she hated him, letting the connection prove what he already knew. He reached out but stopped before he made contact with her skin.
Des stayed silent as Gwern's hand hovered over her face, moving gently above it, tracing her features as he had done before but this time never touching her. He stopped at the bruise from his slap and his hand stayed suspended there for a few moments and then he clenched his fist and looked away.
"Hey," Des said reaching out.
"No don't," he said and turned to her. Des could see a sheen of tears covering his eyes and something caught deep within her, something hurt to see him cry.
"Gwern, what's wrong?"
"What I did to you," he said softly.
"It's okay," she said earnestly.
"No, it's not," he replied, "it's not okay, it's unforgivable what I did."
"I think that's for me to decide," Des said gently.
"But I know it's unforgivable, even if you did forgive me, I can never forgive myself."
"Oh."
"But maybe there's a way to make us even," he said.
"What? How?"
He reached over to his bedside table and picked up what looked like a wooden paddle. "You hit me," he said handing it to her.
"Hit you, with this?"
"Yes, it will make the pain even," he said seriously.
"Gwern this stupid, I'm not going to hit you."
"Please Des, I'm asking you to do this, begging you, I deserve it."
"But Gwern."
"Please Desdemona, please."
Des stared at him shocked at the use of her full name; he'd never said her full name before. "Okay," she agreed pretty sure she wouldn't win this argument, Gwern showed no signs of giving in, he was too stubborn. "Close your eyes.'
He did and she placed the paddle against his cheek lining up. She looked at him, he looked even paler than usual if that was possible, his lips were set in a hard line as he prepared for pain, and his hair was falling across one side of his face putting it in shadow. His jaw was clenched adding to his determined appearance, he was being submissive, allowing her to hurt him and he still managed to look proud and slightly arrogant. She felt the connection tugging at her again, "Go away," she thought. She drew back the paddle and dropped it. She leaned forward and brushed her lips against his. He opened his eyes and she could see the shock in them.
Gwen felt Des's lips brush his and shock flooded through him. What was she doing? He opened his eyes and saw her smiling almost shyly at him. He didn't want to go through this again, he didn't want to be rejected again.
"What are you doing?" he hissed.
"Kissing you," she replied.
"I asked you to hit me and you kiss me, did I miss something here or can't you tell the difference?"
"I didn't want to hit you," she replied softly, "I wanted to kiss you."
Gwern watched how she wrung her hands as she answered him, she seemed slightly embarrassed and something else, maybe she was scared too. She stood, "I'll go." No, he didn't want that.
Des stood up and was surprised when Gwern did the same thing, he caught her arm to stop her leaving and she was glad she had a long sleeved top on because in her current confused state sparks and lightning would totally mess her up. She looked up at him and he cupped her face in his hand and kissed her, a kiss so gentle and feather light it made her soul scream. It only lasted a moment but in that moment Des knew she was lost, lost in Gwern forever, as miserable as she was with him she'd only be more so without him but there was something she needed to know.
"Why did you hit me?" she asked.
"Oh Goddess Des I don't know," he said dropping back on the bed.
"Yes you do, tell me, please." She sat down on the floor as she said that putting her back to the bed and drawing her legs up so she could rest her chin on her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs.
"It's stupid really," he said.
"I'd still like to know."
"Okay," he replied, "all my life I've been second best, you know just a Burdock not a Redfern or anything important but still connected to them because my great-uncle went and married one of them."
Des heard the bitterness with which he said that; "You really don't like them do you?"
"They consider themselves better than everyone else, " he began. Des had to bite her tongue on the retort that that sounded like him.
"They put everyone else down and they killed my great-uncle, how should I feel about them?"
Des shrugged, "You can't tar all Redferns with the same brush."
"I don't know," Gwern said, "Tarring them sounds like a good idea."
Des smiled, "Sounds like an interesting family reunion game, slap the tar on the Redfern. What I meant," she said becoming serious again, "was you can't lump them all together like that."
"You're willing to, not Redferns but vampires, you think we're all the same."
Des was startled, she hadn't realised he knew that, it made her wonder what else he knew.
"Anyway that's not the point, even now I've joined Daybreak I'm second best and you know how I feel about that."
"Yeah, I think everyone does," Des said with a half smile.
"So," he continued, "when I saw you kissing that guy I couldn't stand it Des, I couldn't stand the thought that I'm second best to you. It sounds stupid I know, it is stupid and immature and silly but I couldn't bear it, I just couldn't, I couldn't handle how it made me feel, I got angry."
Des looked up at him as he said that and there was a look on his face, a look completely at odds with what she thought Gwern was like, nothing arrogant or superior, but something like raw hurt and something unbelievably lost. She couldn't believe she, she Desdemona Lynch, plain, ordinary human girl could effect him like that. She realised how much it must have cost him to show himself to her like that, to reveal himself and his emotions so honestly to her. She took a deep breath and decided that she could this too, if he could honestly tell her what his true feelings were then she could too, just as soon as she worked out what her true feelings were.
"You're right," she said eventually, "It does sound silly because you will never be second best to me, never.""
"You mean it?"
"Yeah of course I mean it," she replied.
"You do meant I'm best don't you?" Gwern's asked in a small voice.
"What do you think?"
"I don't know," he replied.
"I mean you're best to me," she said getting up and sitting down beside him.
She felt his arm snake around her waist, his fingers closing round her side. She turned towards him and his other hand pushed through the strands of hair surrounding her face and ended up cupping the back of her head. She looked up and meet his eyes, the look there look her breath away, something like lust or passion but softer. She waited for the kiss expecting it to be like the first time, hard and passionate. His mouth met hers, his lips cool and soft against hers, like silk against her mouth. It wasn't anything like she expected the passion was there but with it such tenderness, such gentleness and most surprising of all such need. It wasn't like the Gwern she thought she knew, it wasn't proud or confident, it was filled with a need she would never have conceived of coming from him, a need that made her want to wrap her arms around him and never let him go.
^But that's wrong,^ she thought, ^Gwern doesn't need anybody.^
~Yes I do, Des,~ he whispered in her mind, ~I need you.~
The connection opened between them and he gave himself up to it and Des was truly lost within him, in his memories, his thoughts, everything, everything that made him Gwern. It wasn't like she had thought it would be, it wasn't scary, it wasn't wrong, it was wonderful, beautiful, a beautiful gift Gwern had given her.
"Thank you," she whispered when he ended the kiss.
"You're welcome," he said quietly almost shyly.
She put her arms around his neck, "I guess I owe you."
"Yep," he replied a smile coming across his face making him appear more like the old Gwern she was used to, "you owe me big time."
"Okay," she whispered and kissed him opening the connection and letting him in, this time she was a little afraid, you couldn't give yourself completely to someone without feeling a apprehensive and that's what she was doing giving herself to him completely.
~Don't be afraid Des. Please don't be afraid of me, I couldn't stand it if you were.~
His voice was comforting in her head and suddenly she didn't feel afraid anymore, she wanted to do this, she was happy to have him in her mind. His thoughts wound around hers and it was like his mind was caressing hers, holding hers. Their thoughts were so entwined that she wasn't sure where hers ended and his began. They weren't kissing anymore just sitting with their arms around one another and she had her head resting on his shoulder.
"This is nice," she said softly.
"Yes it is," he replied stroking her hair, "very nice."
Des smiled gently, she felt happy, completely happy, for the first time in a long while she felt content.
"I love you Des," Gwern whispered to her.
She gave him a half smile. "It's okay if you aren't ready to say it back," he told her.
"That's not it," she replied softly, "I, I don't believe in love Gwern."
"So what do you think is going on between us?" he asked, he didn't sound angry as she'd expected he just sounded disappointed. "Do you think I'm lying when I say the words?"
"No, no. I believe you care about me Gwern, the same way I care about you, and I believe you believe you love me. It's just I don't believe in a big romantic love Gwern, I don't, I can't."
"I never said it was a big romantic love Des, it's just love," he replied.
"I believe you believe that, I just can't, I'm sorry. I care about you so much Gwern, I don't want you to think I don't."
"It's okay Des, you don't have to say it, you don't have to believe it, I know how I feel and thanks to our bond I know how you feel and I know it's love, you can call it what ever you want."
Des sighed and lay back in his arms, "At least you're not mad at me."
Gwern thought about what Des had said, he wondered how she had come to the conclusion that love didn't exist, what had happened to her to make her believe that.
"Someone must have hurt you really badly," he whispered to her. She didn't reply and he looked down and found she'd fallen asleep. He smiled; she looked so sweet when she was asleep. "Whoever it was," he continued, "I'll never let them hurt you again and I'll repay them for what they did to you."
