Die Asha, Diiiiiie!


Come on, you know you want this. I mean, who really likes Asha? The M/L shippers certainly don't... I don't... and... and... other people don't. I mean, come on. It's Asha. Wasn't the character supposed to be named Stephanie originally or something? I maybe could've liked her a little more if that was the case. I mean instead of intense hatred, I bet I'd just feel loathing. But noooooo! Her name is Asha. Well guess what? I do not like Asha and that is not good for her health.

Read First:
Womannapped
Original Logan
The Noise Of Musac
*N Max's Addiction
Orno Movie
Steel Chef

Disclaimer: Mr. Help The Boat Is Sinking and Mr. Egg Man own Dark Angel. They just do, alright? I don't know why. I mean, people who direct movies about ships definitely shouldn't be supervising a show about genetically enhanced killing machines. *shrugs* But what're ya gonna do?




[Logan's p-ap-pe-ap...ahhhhhhh! I need penthouse therapy! Logan's... home. Yes, Logan's home. Logan is sitting on the couch and Asha just walks right in like she's Max or something.]

ASHA:
Hi, how are you?

LOGAN (moodily):
Oh, hello.

ASHA:
Something wrong?

LOGAN (mumbling):
I just hate you is all.

ASHA:
What?

LOGAN:
Nothing.

[Max walks into the room and stops dead in her tracks. OMG! She's dead?? No.]

LOGAN:
It isn't what it looks like!

MAX:
Oh yeah? It looks like you are having a perfectly platonic, nonsexual conversation with Asha over here!

LOGAN:
Well then it is exactly what it looks like.

MAX:
Oh...

ASHA:
I feel uncomfortable.

[Max glares at Asha and Asha cowers. HA Asha! Cower!!]

LOGAN:
I'm gonna make some Campbells soup.

[Logan walks into the kitchen and Max advances on Asha.]

ASHA:
What're you... what're you doing?

MAX:
Shhhhhh. There is only room for one of us on my show, and it is MY show after all.

[Max pulls out a.... ]

STEPHANIE18:
Oh I can't take the suspense!

[Max pulls out a... spoon!]

STEPHANIE18:
Who read my Things That Would Never Happen On Dark Angel? I would highly recommend it. *big grin*

MAX:
Ya know, I know 45 ways to kill man with a spoon. 46 for a woman.

ASHA:
46? Why one extra?

[Max just raises an eyebrow.]

MAX:
Well Asha, girls and boys are different from each other. You see, girls-

ASHA:
Nevermind!

MAX:
That sounded a little bitchy to me.

[Max takes a few steps toward Asha, and Logan walks in the room.]

LOGAN:
Hey do you guys - Max, what're you doing?

MAX:
Me? Oh, I was just... preparing for your wonderful meal. See, spoon and everything.

LOGAN:
Oh, okay. So, do you guys want crackers with your soup?

MAX:
Oh, don't worry about Asha. She won't be around long enough to eat hers.

LOGAN:
O-kay.

[Logan walks back into the kitchen and Max jumps on Asha.]

MAX:
Diiiiiie!

[Max tries to stab Asha with her spoon. No luck.]

MAX:
Damn!

[Max starts pummeling Asha instead.]

ASHA (yelling):
Logan! Max is pummeling me!

[Max jumps away from Asha. She pulls a book from her jacket and sits down on the couch, pretending to read. Logan comes in and frowns.]

LOGAN:
Asha, why are you making up lies about dear, sweet Max?

ASHA:
No! She had that spoon and tried to kill me! Then she began to pummel me endlessly!

LOGAN:
I frown on liars.

MAX:
Yeah, Logan frowns upon liars you... you... you liar!

[Logan goes into the kitchen and Max walks over to Asha.]

MAX:
Dirty nark.

ASHA:
Noooooooo!

[Max picks up the statue of... um... uh... Jennifer Lopez and walks over to Asha.]

ASHA:
What're you gonna do with that?

MAX:
Beat you with it until you diiiiiie!

[Max begins to beat Asha with the J.Lo statue.]

ASHA:
Oh God! Not the booty!

MAX:
Yes, the killer booty!

[The statue breaks and Bling walks in the room.]

MAX:
Where did you come from?

STEPHANIE18:
What have I told you about pointing out my plotholes??

BLING:
I came from... cheese.

ASHA:
Cheese?

BLING:
Shut up!

[Bling picks up a vase and throws it at Asha. Logan walks in. Bling and Max look around the room like they didn't do anything.]

LOGAN:
What's going on?

BLING:
Uh.... Asha broke that vase!

MAX:
And that J.Lo statue!

LOGAN:
Asha... I'm disappointed.

ASHA:
But... but...

LOGAN:
Asha, please, no more lies.

[Logan walks back into the kitchen. Max picks up Bling-]

STEPHANIE18:
Don't ask me how, I just write these things.

[Anyway, Max picks up Bling and starts beating Asha with him.]

BLING:
Ow! Take that Asha! Ow! Jesus Max, this head is rented!

MAX:
Sorry.

[Max puts Bling down and whips out a... er... piece of... piece of cardboard. She advances on Asha, but despite the head injury, Asha scoffs.]

ASHA:
Oooooo. Cardboard. I'm sooooo scared.

MAX:
Oh really fool? REALLY?

[Max begins to beat Asha with the cardboard.]

ASHA:
That isn't cardboard! That's sheet metal in disguise!

MAX:
So it is.

[Max throws down the "cardboard" and grabs Asha by the arm.]

MAX:
We're gonna take a trip.

ASHA:
What're you going to do?

MAX:
Something. Come on Bling.

[Bling comes back from his fantasy world (it would only scare you if I told you) and realizes that Max is talking to him.]

BLING:
Huh?

MAX:
We're taking Asha somewhere.

[They walk into the kitchen and Logan stops them.]

LOGAN:
Why is Asha all tied up? And why is her mouth taped shut?

MAX:
Oh you know. Kids and their crazy fashions! Listen, we gotta blaze. I'll be back later.

LOGAN:
Okay.

[Max, Asha, and Bling leave the ppppp...Logan's home. They meet a truck outside of... Chuck E. Cheese and Bling hands over Asha.]

MAN:
You sure she escaped?

BLING:
Well, she's a real pouty one. I figure, even if she didn't, you guys could just use her for [thunder explodes in the sky and Bling's eyes get wide. His voice booms.] experimentation.

[Everything goes back to normal.]

MAN:
Yeah. Experimentation is good.

BLING:
So, all set?

[Max walks over and smacks the man.]

MAX:
Yeah.

[Bling and Max walk away. The Manticore truck drives away with Asha inside.]

BLING:
Why'd you smack him?

MAX:
Does everything always have to be about me?

BLING (muttering):
It is your show...

[Max and Bling go back to Logan's...home. Logan has the soup on the table.]

LOGAN:
Where's Asha?

MAX:
Man, I swear. We tried to save her, but that flying Buick just came out of nowhere.

BLING:
Yeah, sorry man.

[Logan shrugs.]

LOGAN:
Eh, what're ya gonna do? Soup?

MAX:
Hells yeah!

THE END