Not Enough

Not Enough

"Will, can I come in?" Buffy yelled after spending several futile minutes knocking on the door of Spike's crypt.  "Come on William, at least tell me to bug off so I know you're okay."

Buffy waited.  Crickets chirped.  A car horn honked.

With a worried expression on her face Buffy kicked open the crypt door.  The area was barren of life, even the undead version of it.

"Will?" Buffy called, poling her head through the trap door into the cavern beneath the crypt.  "I came to apologize."

Buffy spent several minutes searching the gloomily lit lair before dispiritedly climbing the ladder back to the ground floor.

"Will?" She called one last time, honing her senses for a vampiric presence.

With a sigh Buffy walked over to the stone sarcophagus.  "Will, I'm sorry about what I said.  I didn't mean it.  You told me the truth about myself and I didn't want to hear it, so I lashed out at you.  It was wrong of me and petty and moronic and I'm deeply sorry so will you forgive me?"

Silence answered Buffy.

"At least move back to the house," she continued after a long moment.  "Dawn and Willow and Tara miss you too and they didn't screw up."

More silence.

"Just get out of the coffin and tell me off… Please?" Buffy begged.

Slowly the stone lid began to shift and Buffy hurried to help move it aside.  Spike climbed out of the coffin then paused to rearrange its owner's bones.

 "You've got a right, shrewish streak to you Slayer," Spike said softly.  "So you and Angel are together again?  Well I wish you luck.  If he's moving back up here I suppose I could take over his duties in Los Angeles.  No hard feelings mind you, just don't want ta see you all lovey-dovey with him."

"Angel and I haven't talked yet," Buffy said.

"What!" Spike yelled.  "I move heaven and earth… well one of the two most stubborn people on face of the planet anyway, to give you what you want and you don't even take it?  What the bloody hell is wrong with you?"

Buffy looked away, embarrassed.  "This is really stupid, I know that," she said.  "I remember the months before the curse broke as being the most perfect of my life, even allowing for vampires, robots and class project trying to kill me.  I don't know; it was like a dam broke after I kissed Angel at the ice-rink.  He was in vamp face; he didn't even want me to touch him.  I didn't care about that… I kissed him.  I don't know why it meant so much when I did that, but it did.  Angel stopped trying to tell me that I didn't know what I wanted.  He stopped fighting against us being together.  We couldn't get enough of each other after that.  I never imagined that anything could come between us.  One night I remember telling Angel that when I looked into the future all I could see was him.  That was all I needed to see, 'cause if he were with me, everything would work out.  I used to believe that down to my bones and now…" Buffy sighed.

"You grew up.  You were naïve then," Spike said.  "Now you know better, you know that just loving someone isn't a guarantee that everything's gonna be roses.  So what, it's something everyone learns, even if they aren't dating a vampire."

"No, it's not that.  Not exactly, not really," Buffy said.

"You're afraid if you get back together with Angel it won't be the same, won't be as good."

"Yeah, that's it, stupid huh?"  Buffy said.  "But I have this perfect moment in time.  My most treasured memory.  I'm afraid of loosing it.  Angel and I are so different now.  I know this is kinda weird considering I'm talking about a guy who once earned the title the Scourge of Europe, but Angel and I were so innocent back then.  It was first love for both of us.  We thought we'd faced the big hurtle and it would all be smooth sailing, sure I'm the Slayer and he's a vampire, but first and foremost we were Buffy and Angel and we loved each other.  I thought, we both thought, that there couldn't be any problems to equal that one and then the curse broke.  Now I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, I know no matter how bad things were the next problem will probably be worse."

"You're right, that is stupid," Spike said bluntly.  "You might as well of stayed dead if you're going to live the rest of your life being afraid to take a chance because of what might happened."

"Yeah, I think I finally realized that; too late as usual," Buffy sighed.  "Angel already left."

"So what, go to LA," Spike replied.  He'll come back for you."

"I know, but Angel will come back for the memory of the girl who was, and I'd be going to find the man I remember from before," Buffy said.  "And maybe that's not a good enough reason.  We need a relationship based on the people we became, not the ones we were.  That's what Angel has, with Fred.  What I could have had… maybe with Riley, maybe with you, maybe with one of the dozen guys who have tried to flirt with me over the last few years… If I'd bother to give anyone a chance."