Incomparable

Incomparable

"I'll never drink a whole big gulp while driving again," Willow muttered to herself as she slammed the car door and sprinted for the bathrooms.

Willow reappeared later and walked toward her car at a more sedate pace.  That pace slowed to a disbelieving halt as she recognized the car parked beside hers.  Xander had been absolutely merciless in ribbing Angel about his yet-to-be-painted replacement vehicle.

Slowly she turned to peer into the shadows cast by the of-historic-interest booth.  A slightly darker shadow shifted unhappily under her gaze.

With a relieved sigh Willow walked over and sat beside Angel.  "So, you've been here for the last three days?" Willow asked casually.  "We tried calling you, Fred had a vision."

"I had the cell phone, I'm in range, I checked," Angel protested, pulling it out of his pocket.

Willow took it, "Um-huh… just what I thought.  How long has it been since you charged it?"

"Oh… sorry, I must have forgotten."

"Would I be too out of line if I asked why you've spent three days at a rest stop halfway between Sunnydale and LA?"  Willow asked.

"I can't go back to Fred just because Buffy doesn't want me," Angel said.  "It isn't fair to Fred."

"Would it help if I said Buffy's ready to talk to you now?" Willow asked.

"Not really, I've still got to decide between them.  I've still got to hurt someone." Angel said.  "Maybe Buffy and Fred would both be better off if I just disappeared.  All I ever do is hurt them."

"Angel, you know that isn't true!" Willow reprimanded him sharply.  Then her voice softened.  "It's hard, I know.  I've been there.  You have to decide who you love.  It'll hurt, but they'll understand.  You didn't cause this situation."

"I'm sure that's great advice," Angel said.  "But it doesn't help.  I wasn't supposed to have to choose between them.  This was never supposed to happen.  Why didn't Buffy tell me?  Sixteen months ago it wouldn't have been an issue!  Sixteen months ago what was between Fred and I couldn't have resolved into friendship.  Why did she wait so long?"

Willow waited patiently.

"I never quit loving Buffy," Angel said.  "But I let her become a part of the past so I could go on living.  Once Buffy was my life, everything I did or thought revolved around her.  But it didn't work, it wasn't enough."

"I loved Buffy from the first moment I saw her.  I fell in love for the first time in my life that day.  She was literally everything to me: Sunlight, life, everything.  That she would love me back was a gift I never expected, certainly never anything I could believe I deserved.  I thought her love redeemed me; instead it could have drug her down with me.  Because she loved me Buffy got caught up in my punishment.  I never meant for that to happen.  After I came back I started seeing things more clearly, I started seeing how my darkness infected her light."

"After I realized what I was doing to Buffy I left.  I was never going to get involved again.  I didn't want anyone else to get hurt.  Why would I even want to?  They'd never be Buffy."

"I never planned to fall in love with Fred, it just happened.  After Buffy died Fred was the only one I could connect with.  The others, they tried too hard to help.  They had a hundred different ideas as to what I should do to feel better.  Fred was the one who let me hurt.  The one who just spent time with me, without trying to force me to get over what had happened… and she needed me too.  It was easier for me to cope with things for her sake then for my own.  I could tell myself I was holding her to confront her dreams, and not because having her near me kept my dreams away."

Angel laughed softly, "Cordy, Wes and Gunn did everything short of physically dragging me out of my room after I decided to spend the remainder of my life staring at the wall once I realized Buffy wasn't coming back.  Nothing worked then Fred asked me to go on a walk with her, not because it would be good for me to get out, but because she was scared to go out in LA on her own.  I barely thought twice about going… And it was the best thing I possibly could have done for my own sanity.  I think she knew that."

"I'm still not sure how she did it, but Fred taught me to lean on her when I was hurt.  She was the first person I ever let help me like that," Angel smiled sadly.  "Even counting Buffy, as much as we loved each other, I couldn't stand the though that I could be adding to her burdens.  I was there to help her, not the other way around.  I didn't always have to be strong with Fred, I didn't always have to be human, or anything but Angel really.  Fred and I were happy together."

"Willow, my relationship with Fred isn't like the one I had with Buffy, not better or worse, just different.  It wasn't love at first sight or an attraction so strong that I couldn't stay away even when I could see disaster looming on all sides.  I thought it had to be like it was between Buffy and I to be real.  I guess that's why I didn't see it coming in time to panic and push her away."

"You know, I've been thinking a lot about the curse and why I didn't try to get it changed before Buffy died.  And you know what I've realized?  Buffy and I bought into all that Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers crap.  I believed we were doomed, especially after the curse was broken, so I never fought it.  I saw cutting Buffy loose as the only thing I could do for her.  I didn't fight for her, I didn't believe in myself enough to do that.  All I could see was me dragging her down with me into the darkness that had consumed my life."

"Fred and I didn't have that shadow hanging over us and she didn't believe in doomed, she believed in me.  Fred believed I could control the demon, so she wasn't afraid of it and she didn't hate it.  I learned to control it because I was afraid of hurting her.  Buffy could protect herself from the demon, Fred couldn't.  Once I had control in Pylea I knew I had to get control of it here too.  It took me two hundred seventy odd years to take control of my life, but once I had it there was no way I could give it up."

"Buffy, Fred, how can I say which one I love more?  After I realized I was falling for Fred my first rule was never let myself compare them, never even think it.  I don't know which one I'm suppose to be with.  Whistler showed me Buffy, protecting her was supposed to be my destiny.  Fred is my Seer, my connection to the Powers and that's destiny too, so it can't be the deciding factor."

"You have to choose though," Willow said.  "And you don't really know what things what it would be like with Buffy now that the curse isn't an issue."

"I know," Angel sighed, "But I'm trying to chose between the woman who could make me forget I'm a vampire and the one who made me remember that I'm a person.