The Journey: Chapter Seventeen SONG LYRIC CREDITS 17: Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart (Bon Jovi), Million Miles Away (Offspring), Mayonnaise (Smashing Pumpkins), Right Here Waiting (Richard Marx), Tonight (Def Leppard, Here We Are (Gloria Estefan), All Coming Back To Me Now (Celine Dion).

Chapter 17

Frank paid the taxi driver, and, shouldering his bag, headed back to the Footloose. It had been his home for long enough; one more night wouldn't hurt. He sat on his bed and opened up the shoebox again. He put the photograph album to one side, not quite ready to look at it again. Not yet.
Frank picked up the baby book and opened it up. Her name was written on the first page in Rachel's neat handwriting. Alex Rebecca Frances Holloway. It wasn't the same as on the birth certificate. He guessed that was his fault, too.
They'd have to fix that.
The book was full of all the seemingly unimportant details he would have been too embarrassed to ask about. Her birthday, her favourite toy, her first word. ('Up,' he noted, wryly.) He relished every morsel of information, wishing he had been there to see it first hand.
He vowed he would not miss anymore.
It was at least an hour later before he had finished with the baby book. He picked up the journal next, and when he opened it he saw that each page was a letter addressed to him.. Every letter he'd written out there, and subsequently sent home, had been like shouting into a void. He had assumed she was getting them, but he had no way of knowing it, or seeing her reaction to his words. In some instances, it had made it easier to confess things he would not have been able to say aloud, but at the same time, it left him vulnerable to ridicule. At least in his own mind.

I've been starin at the page for what seems like days
I guess I put this one off for a while
Did I see a tear fall from your eyes?
Or did you laugh so hard that you cried?
When I served my secrets on a silver tray to you

The first entry was dated about two months after he'd left. It was a lot more ragged than the others, and there were several smudges of ink, and various crossings out. A letter much thought over, Frank observed. He could guess what it was about.

Dear Frank,
I got your letter last week, and it doesn't look like I have anywhere to send this, but I really have to talk to you.
There's no easy way to tell you this, but

The next line was scribbled out so completely the pen had almost worn through the page.

I'm pregnant. There, I wrote it. Unfortunately, I don't feel unburdened in the slightest.
I'm going to have it. Well, there isn't really any other choice. Jack and Helen know, but no one else, yet. It'll be obvious, soon enough, I guess. Any suggestions for a name? Dammit, I wish I felt as glib as I sound.
I'm going to have to make so many decisions about this without you. I hope I make the right ones.

Rach.

Frank wondered, for the hundredth time since he'd found out, what on earth he'd been *doing* for the last two years. He was sure he'd had his reasons, long ago, but they were fast becoming regrets.

There was a time, looking through myself, wanting to pretend
If I escaped, I could fill myself, I don't think you can
Been far and wide, but that hole inside never really leaves
When I went away, all I really left
Left behind was me.

The next entry beckoned, and Frank's hungry eyes began to read.

Dear Frank,
Well, I've pretty much told everybody but you now. Damn, Frank, I hope you believe you are the first and only person I really wanted to tell. I dream, sometimes, I'm out there with you, on the boat. Soaking up the rays in Samoa, or wherever you are now. Come home soon, we miss you.
Rachel

There were a couple more entries in this vein before the next notable one.

Dear Frank,
We have a little girl. She was born on the seventh of August. Well, we'll call it the seventh, anyway; it was almost the eighth. That was about a week and a half ago, we got home from the hospital yesterday.
She's sleeping at the moment. I took a photograph; you can see when you get back what she looks like now. I guess she'll be a lot bigger before you get to see her.
It seems lonely here, all of a sudden. I don't know why now more than a month ago, but maybe because a month ago I could still go to the pub (drinking lemonade!) and be with other people. Now I'm stuck at home, and I miss you more than ever.
What I wouldn't give for just one conversation... while at the same time dreading that very conversation. I'm so mixed up.
Rachel

Frank read the rest of the journal, relentlessly turning the pages until they ran out. The last entry was particularly poignant.

Dear Frank,
I'd forgotten how fast kids learn at this age. It was only a month or two ago she was learning to crawl, and now she's walking. Her vocabulary increases by the day. First she said 'up', and then 'Mama'. It's fascinating. She calls David 'Dad'. Well, not exactly, but it sounds a bit like it. She can't quite manage the 'v' sound yet.
She's also into absolutely everything. She doesn't have the language yet to be asking questions all the time, but I think she's going to be one of those kids who always wants to know "why".
I hope you get back before she starts asking me the tough questions. Then you can answer them instead of me. Haha.

Rachel.

He knew she'd given the journal to him in an attempt to make up for what he had missed experiencing firsthand, but in a way they made him feel more isolated. How could he ever make up for so much lost time?

Mother weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given back
~~ * ~~

Rachel was right when she'd predicted she wouldn't be able to sleep. She rolled onto one side, and then the other, but her thoughts were churning so madly that she couldn't find a comfortable position. Her mobile phone sat on her bedside table, and she willed it to ring.

Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

She was beginning to despair of getting any sleep at all that night, when finally, it rang. Her hand darted to pick it up before it rang a second time.
"Frank?"
"Yeh."
"Where are you?"
"I'm at the phone box near your place."
"I'll be right down," Rachel answered breathlessly, and hung up.
When she got downstairs and opened the front door, there he stood, grinning.
"I know a good cure for insomnia," he told her, eyes twinkling.
Rachel couldn't keep from grinning back at him. "What's that?"
He smiled, and instead of speaking, took a step forward and pulled her into his arms.
She'd longed for his embrace for so long. Rachel choked back the tears welling in her eyes, and when she pulled away to look him in the face, she saw his eyes were moist, too.

Don't try to look away, when you're face to face
I see your eyes, that animal emotion
You don't have to set your tender trap
It's in those eyes, it's gonna happen anyway

"I wish I'd never gone," he whispered, "I thought I was making up for lost time, but I was just running away from everything. All I ended up doing was losing more time."
"There's still time, Frank," she told him, smiling.
Before either even realised it, he was kissing her, and the intimacy of the contact, after such a long separation, almost made Rachel's knees buckle under her. He could have asked her to commit murder, and she would have, just as long as he didn't stop kissing her.

Here we are, all alone
Trembling hearts beating strong
Reaching out, a breathless kiss
I never thought could feel like this

Rachel moved her arms upward to encircle his neck, and felt his hand slowly travel up her body to rest ever so lightly on her jaw. Then his fingers were behind her head, pulling her in closer still, as his thumb caressed her cheek.

I want to stop the time from passing by
I want to close my eyes and feel your lips are touching mine
Baby when you're close to me, I want you more each time
And there's nothing I can do to keep from loving you

Rachel had never wanted anybody as much as she wanted Frank just then, and she knew he needed her, too. She pulled away, putting her finger to her lips, and led him up the stairs to her room.

There's nothing I can do
I'm helpless in your arms
Oh, baby what you do
I'm in love, this is it
There's no turning back this time

Barely pausing to close her bedroom door behind them, Rachel turned back to Frank's inviting mouth. Trying to reach the bed without letting go of each other proved to be a challenge, however, and they ended up walking into the bed, and landing on the mattress in a giggling heap. Rachel quickly put her hand over Frank's mouth to signal him to be quiet. He stopped giggling, sliding his hand slowly under her singlet. Rachel breathed out, slowly, fumbling with the button on his jeans.
As if by magic, clothes disappeared from bodies and formed a haphazard pile on the floor. On the bed, arms and legs became entangled, and the mattress damp with perspiration. The union was desperate, both needing a quick release.

If I touch you like this, and if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago, but it's all coming back to me now
And if you touch me like this, and if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind but it's all coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies all coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

"I love you."
Neither was sure later who had voiced the words, but it wasn't important. They were meant by both.
~~ * ~~

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