Ever since that night I was changed into what I am now, I have prided myself on being strong. Stronger than those around me who want to hurt me, and who want to make me less than I deserve to be. Strong enough to get what I want, and strong enough to protect it. For more than a hundred years I've gotten pretty much everything I wanted. I led a simple enough life, sleep, kill, feed, and repeat. When done correctly, murder should never become dull, and fresh blood should never become a tiresome diet. Each night brought new excitement, new revelations about the workings of the world.
It's a bitch when the workings of the world bite you in the ass. I was a human once, and I think I remember how weak they are, so much weaker than my kind anyway. I am still ashamed that I let myself be beaten by them. And I'm amazed that such a small piece of human technology could have changed my...life, so completely. I guess you just get so used to viewing the world and your place in it a certain way, and you need something drastic to change it. Used to think my place was a scholar and poet. That changed when I met my dark princess. She led me into a new life, and I knew my place had changed the night she changed me. I was a hunter and a killer, and I bloody well loved it.
But then I met her. I didn't know what it was about her that bothered me at the time, but I always had an uneasy feeling around her. Guess I just chalked it up to her being a Slayer and all that. I killed a couple in my day, and they were all right pretty, I suppose. Never came close to Dru's dark beauty though. But Buffy was different. She was stronger than anyone I'd ever known, even stronger than me though you'd never see me admit it. I guess I just never wanted to realize how attracted I was to her. I never foresaw that everything would work out this way, never even came close. At one point, all I wanted to see of the Summers girl was her dying at my feet, her hot blood coursing through my body, just one more Slayer to my name. One more reason for other vamps and mortals to fear me. I loved being feared.
But between my attraction to her and the bloody chip in my head, I changed. It shouldn't have been possible for me to change. It's against my nature and all that. Creatures who don't have souls shouldn't have the capacity to change what they are. It's an idea I really don't like to think about, the fact that I may possess more than vague memories of my human self, but when I think back I know that my whole existence I have been a creature of emotion. Even creatures like the Judge could smell it on me. He called it the stench of humanity, and maybe he was right after all.
Ever since my subconscious made me realize what my hatred of the Slayer was really hiding, I've been remembering more and more of what it was like to be human, to have all these strange, scary and sometimes wonderful emotions. And just when I thought I might finally get a chance with her, a chance to be more than enemies or uneasy allies, she's taken from me. Poof. Just like that.
I've always prided myself on being strong. The night Buffy saved the world for the last time, saved her sister and everyone else she knew and loved, I died a little bit inside, because I couldn't help her. I wasn't strong enough for that. Everything...it seemed my whole life had been for nothing. Every day she's been gone, I feel even more dead inside. I know I'm a vampire and all. It's not that kind of deadness. All my life I've been a creature of emotion, and now I'm watching it all trickle away...and maybe it's better that way.
It's a bitch when the workings of the world bite you in the ass. I was a human once, and I think I remember how weak they are, so much weaker than my kind anyway. I am still ashamed that I let myself be beaten by them. And I'm amazed that such a small piece of human technology could have changed my...life, so completely. I guess you just get so used to viewing the world and your place in it a certain way, and you need something drastic to change it. Used to think my place was a scholar and poet. That changed when I met my dark princess. She led me into a new life, and I knew my place had changed the night she changed me. I was a hunter and a killer, and I bloody well loved it.
But then I met her. I didn't know what it was about her that bothered me at the time, but I always had an uneasy feeling around her. Guess I just chalked it up to her being a Slayer and all that. I killed a couple in my day, and they were all right pretty, I suppose. Never came close to Dru's dark beauty though. But Buffy was different. She was stronger than anyone I'd ever known, even stronger than me though you'd never see me admit it. I guess I just never wanted to realize how attracted I was to her. I never foresaw that everything would work out this way, never even came close. At one point, all I wanted to see of the Summers girl was her dying at my feet, her hot blood coursing through my body, just one more Slayer to my name. One more reason for other vamps and mortals to fear me. I loved being feared.
But between my attraction to her and the bloody chip in my head, I changed. It shouldn't have been possible for me to change. It's against my nature and all that. Creatures who don't have souls shouldn't have the capacity to change what they are. It's an idea I really don't like to think about, the fact that I may possess more than vague memories of my human self, but when I think back I know that my whole existence I have been a creature of emotion. Even creatures like the Judge could smell it on me. He called it the stench of humanity, and maybe he was right after all.
Ever since my subconscious made me realize what my hatred of the Slayer was really hiding, I've been remembering more and more of what it was like to be human, to have all these strange, scary and sometimes wonderful emotions. And just when I thought I might finally get a chance with her, a chance to be more than enemies or uneasy allies, she's taken from me. Poof. Just like that.
I've always prided myself on being strong. The night Buffy saved the world for the last time, saved her sister and everyone else she knew and loved, I died a little bit inside, because I couldn't help her. I wasn't strong enough for that. Everything...it seemed my whole life had been for nothing. Every day she's been gone, I feel even more dead inside. I know I'm a vampire and all. It's not that kind of deadness. All my life I've been a creature of emotion, and now I'm watching it all trickle away...and maybe it's better that way.
