When The Fire Dies

I am growing weary of living, I thought I as I ascended the steps to Ororo's loft room. I knew that no one would be there to greet me. Ororo was off on a trip around the world to search for Destiny's diaries. I wish I had gone with her.

It would be so easy to end it all. I picked up Ororo's knife and ran my finger over the sharp side. I could feel the sting from the cut as blood rushed to the surface. All I'd have to do is slit my wrists. It would all be over. No more fighting, no more being the object of lust, no more dealing with other people's thoughts. I'd join Piotr, Ilyana, Alison, and Betsy. It'd be like old times -- fun, friends, and no more fighting.

It dawned on me then. I can't die. Since being inhabited by the Phoenix Force, I am life and fire incarnate. The Phoenix dies only to rise from the ashes. I'd commit suicide, only to return later.

Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in suspended animation at the bottom of the sea forever. At least then I wouldn't have to cope with everything. I've had happy times since awakening. Marrying Scott was one. The sad memories seem to out number the happy ones. There was Madelyne, and the tainted memories I received from the Phoenix Force. I'm always being fought over by men. Logan wants me, even though he says it wouldn't work out. Warren still wants me.

Scott used to want me. He used to love me. He's been so cold lately. Our relationship is dying. I can feel it. We used to be so close to each other, and now there's an unbridgeable gap. It doesn't help that Emma's around. I know he stares at her breasts and that he finds her attractive. She's tried to seduce him. I just know it. When Scott, Hank, Logan, and Emma went to China, I was worried. Scott was more distant than ever, and I couldn't keep an eye on him.

I want to end it all. I want to go to sleep forever and wake up in paradise. I want to be normal. I tried once, and I only ended up being an X-Man again. I can't run away. I have nowhere to run. Outer space isn't friendly. The Shi'ar do not have fond memories of Dark Phoenix, and they still associate me with her. On Earth, I could try to join with Ororo in the quest for Destiny's diaries, but I would still be weary of living. I am trapped, and there is no way out.

I turned to the bottle of pills I had left on Ororo's desk when I had visited last night. It contained narcotics. Just one would be enough to put any man asleep for hours. More than that could be deadly.

I'd already written my farewells. It would cause pain for everyone, but they can't possibly understand how I feel. It's only a temporary escape. I am cursed with being Phoenix, and I must rise from the ashes again at some point in time. Maybe I won't be so weary of life then.

I opened the bottle and swallowed all the pills. It didn't take long for the world to become a blur. I fell onto Ororo's bed, closed my eyes, and prayed that I would never wake up again.

The fire has died and only ashes remain. The Phoenix will rise again, although I wish it were not so. To sleep forever and dream forever would be divine.

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Jean Grey-Summers et al are property of Marvel Comics. Any mischaractierization is purely my fault. I do realize that this a very angsty Jean fic and that it is probably very unlike Jean, but I'm quite pleased with it nonetheless.