~ Please, stop loving me ~

~ Please, stop loving me ~

by Ola

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Chapter 3-

Drip. Drip. Drip, went the water as Lily held a glass of liquid over the seedling in a little brown pot. It was Saturday evening, and as there would be no classes tomorrow, she was doing little things that she normally didn't have time for. The little plant that she was watering was an orange tree. She had grown it from seed, putting it into the soil a few days before that dreadful letter had arrives. Then she had completely forgotten about it until one day a tiny green shoot peaked up from beneath the black earth. Heart broken, Lily had wanted to throw it away, as it reminded her too much of those days, but somehow she couldn't. Three years later, the little plant was still growing on her dorm's windowsill, and Lily had become very fond of it. Sometimes, especially in the first year, when she would wake up in the middle of the night, screaming from the nightmares that kept plaguing her mind, she would open the window to let in the night's breeze, sit on the windowsill and talk to her little orange tree, telling it what she felt, and how she missed her parents. She always felt better afterwards, even though the plant couldn't consol her with words. Maybe that was the reason why she liked it. It would never tell her she was silly to cry or that it was high time she stopped grieving and lived a normal life again. No. It would just keep growing peacefully, its shiny leaves turned expectantly toward the sun. It was one of those little things that helped her get through those first awful months.

Lily sighed, patted the pot's dark earth and put the now empty glass away. Then, she sat down on her bed and took the pendant from around her neck into one of her hands. At first glance, it looked like a small silver rectangle attached by a small round loop to a thin silver chain, but at a closer look, it revealed to be a tiny little book. The cover was made of polished silver and decorated with a simple lily. It had some inscriptions on it as well, but they were too small to make out. Between the two covers, however, were real pages, some blank, and some fully covered in green writing. As for the chain, it was a delicately carved replica of a climbing vine, each little leaf perfect in all its details.

Lily looked at it for some time, fighting back tears as old memories came flooding back.

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Once again, she was a little girl, sitting on her mother's lap. It had been raining, but that hadn't dampened her mood. She was a happy girl, sitting with her dear mom near a big window overlooking a small, peaceful lake. They had been watching the silver raindrops silently sliding down the windowpane, tiny dancers whirling in the bigger stage of life. And far away, on the lake's surface, those same drops gently fell from the clouds to dive gracefully into the shimmering water. They had both been mesmerized by this simple yet beautiful ballet of nature. Then, her mother had unclasped the silver chain from around her neck and given it to her. "So you will always remember this peaceful afternoon." Silvery gift for a silvery day. She had then shown her how to magic the tiny journal open so she could write her deepest secrets in it, and always keep it near her heart. And as always, she had later given her a kiss, full pf pride for her little daughter.

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Tears brimmed her eyes, and she blinked to clear her sight. Then, like so many other times. She magicked the tiny journal open and looked at the new blank page staring back at her. Blank. Like me. With no feelings, and no emotions. Cold as snow. A tear trickled down her face and she wiped it angrily before it fell on the smooth white paper. Isn't that what you wanted? She asked herself bitterly, as she began writing.

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Remus is acting strange, thought James, observing his friend from behind a book. The usually neat Remus was now going through his wooden chest as fast as lightning, discarding clothes right and left after he checked their pockets.

"Wow, Remus, you finally became one of us!" said Sirius, coming in. his part of the room looked as if a bomb had exploded in it. Clothes were strewn on every available surface, including the floor and the bed, and most of them were wrinkled and shabby. Not that Sirius was poor, but rather because he used the same clothes to go to class with and to slither through the forest's floor to play pranks on unwary students.

Remus didn't even look up, continuing his mad search. Finally, he came to the bottom of the wooden box, and his clothes stopped flying. But only for a few seconds. As he looked up in search of whatever it was he was looking for, James noticed the haunted look in his wild eyes, and the pallor of his face.

"Remus? Are you all right?" asked James, concerned with his friend's health. But Remus only whirled around, half ran to his school bag, and fished something out of it, then closed himself in the bathroom. When he came out, he once again looked normal, except for his blood shot eyes.

"Remus?"

"I'm okay. Huge headache. I was searching for some pills," he answered, but his voice had a strange intonation in it.

I'll have to watch him more carefully. Something is wrong with him and I have no intentions of letting him down. He's my friend, damn it!

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Lily sat in the last row, at the far right, in every class. From that spot, she had a perfect view of the whole class, and no one could look at her without turning their head. But that was okay. She didn't want to be noticed. If people noticed you, it's because they like you. And if they liked you, you probably would like them too. No thank you. I do not need anyone in my life. And I never will, thought Lily with determination. Really? Said a little voice in the back of her head. She heaved a sigh and tried to listen to Mr. Binn lecture them on the Goblin rebellion. But her mind quickly lost track of his monotonous voice to once again ponder the meaning of her life. Why exactly was she still alive? Going through the motions without feeling anything. I should have died with them. Then I would be with them now. I wouldn't be so alone, thought Lily sadly, as she tried to keep her feelings to herself. No one could know what she was feeling, or they would use her weakness as a weapon against her. So she quickly drew her eyebrows together in a frown that hid her melancholy, but she wasn't quick enough. Back at the far left of the class, also in the last row, James too was paying no attention to Mr. Binn. The morning's conversation was still in his mind. She used to be different before. She used to play pranks on everyone…she used to be funny…now…now… I don't really know. She wants us to think that she is indifferent to everything, but is she really? Thought James, as he glanced at Lily. Her green eyes were large with sadness, she had caught her lower lip between her teeth, and her usual frown was gone. In her right hand, she was unconsciously fingering a silver chain around her neck. She doesn't want us to know something. She is being antipatic for a purpose and not because it's her personality. But why? I remember her having lots of friends, always cracking up about the Slyverins, and giggling from something they had said. So why did she suddenly left everyone to be by herself? It wasn't because she wanted to, was it? As James pondered on what had happened to Lily, without taking his gaze off her, he didn't notice Sirius whispering to him and the gleam in his eyes as he saw who James was looking at. Only the bell finally woke him up from his thoughts, and he groaned as all the loud noises assailed his ears. After the calming silence of his thoughts, the bell and the shouts of the other students were magnified three folds. It didn't help any when Sirius told him about the homework Mr. Binn had assigned them for the day after tomorrow. Oh, this is just great, thought James with sarcasm. And as I can't remember a single thing from this lesson, I will have to stay up until God knows when to finish this stupid assignment. And with that, he followed his fellow students out of the large classroom.

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A/N: all right, that's it for now. Thanks a bunch for everyone who reviewed. I went online this morning but couldn't get on fanfiction, there was an error on it or something. Anyway, no, Lily and Remus are just very good friends, or I should say, they were. We all know that she will end up with James, cause we all read the books. And you got L/J in this chapter. Happy?

Next chapter: more sadness, and thoughts about her life. She finds something, and gets in trouble. Chapter after that, you finally get to see what's wrong with Remus. All right, I won't tell you the whole story, you will have to read it for yourself. (and before that, I will have to type it) ha ha.

Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed it. Please review to let me know what you think. And if you do, I will go read your stories too. Fair?

~Ola