~ Please, stop loving me ~
~*~*~
A gentle hooting sound woke Lily up. Blinking and
rubbing her sleepy eyes, she smiled at the snowy white owl perched on the
windowsill. She quickly got out of bed and spent some time stroking its soft
feathers. It's name was Pepe, which meant grandpa in French, as he reminded her
of one, with his silvery coloration, and for some time now, he took the habit
of coming to her window a few minutes before dawn. At first, he came mostly for
the owl treats she left for him, but then, whenever Pepe saw her, whether it
was in the dining hall or outside, he always dropped on her shoulder, softly
hooting in her ear. And although she had no idea what he was trying to tell
her, she was happy for his company. He at least would never heart her.
He wouldn't say anything mean to her nor would he leave her alone on purpose.
As the sky changed from the grayish blue of pre-dawn
into the true blue of a sunny day, Lily dressed into her sweat pants, sweater
and sneakers, and silently made her way down into the Common Room, not
forgetting to close her dorm room, and once again marveling at the insight of
the people who built Hogwarts to have built stone stairways instead of
wooden ones. There was no way she would have been able to go up or down wooden
stairs short of using magic without stepping on a loudly creaking step. In the
pre-dawn light, the Griffindor Common Room looked eerie. Grayish light filtered
through the three arched windows and made long shadows on the opposite wall.
Even darker shadows sat at the foot of each armchair; dogs faithfully crouched
at their master's heels. As always, a few papers were strewn on the floor and
on armchairs, the only proof of students working late into the night to finish
homework begun belatedly. Drunk with sleepiness, they had probably staggered up
the stairs into their dorms at an unholy hour, forgetting their work. But
today, the sun fell on more than just a few forgotten homework; a glint caught
Lily's eye and she glanced to her right. Amid a mess of books, quills, and
unrolled parchment lying on the floor was a small, stopered glass bottle, lying
on its side. When she picked it up, she saw that inside it was a white powder, and
she wondered whom it belonged to. What is that? An ingredient for a potion?
A project someone had been assigned to do? She didn't finish her thoughts
as the gilded clock on the fireplace mantle struck six. Looking up in surprise,
she realized that she had very little time left for her morning jogging if she
didn't want to be late, and she began running. It was only once she was
outside, in the chilly morning air, that she remembered the vial she still held
in her hand. Oh well, she thought as she pocketed the thing, it would
be stupid to go back now, I will just return it after running.
This morning was warmer than yesterday, and Lily's
spirits rose as she performed her daily exercise. She let her mind work on
moving her feet, forgetting her worries for a moment. But they returned, as
devious as ever. It would be great to have a spell to stop emotions, she
thought wryly, but then she sobered. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have to hurt so
much. I wouldn't have to hurt at all! Yea, but then, I wouldn't be human anymore.
I wouldn't really be alive. Better just end my life for good. She shivered
as another thought crossed her head. What id without feelings, I turned into a Death Eater? Oh my God.
Her fingers rose to touch the pendant. Death would be a better option…but
isn't that what I'm turning into anyway? An unfeeling bitch, frowning and
glaring at everyone? It's not really how I am. I do it so I won't get hurt. But
isn't that the same thing? That's how the others think of me…wouldn't it be
better to end it all? Thinking, Lily had stopped running. She was startled
to hear the bell for first class breaking the morning silence. She resumed
running, now dashing back to the castle in a straight line, but she still
arrived ten minutes late to transfiguration, although she took the stairs three
at a time.
"Miss Evans, you are late," said professor McGonogal
simply.
Gasping for breath after her mad dash, Lily could
only nod as she took her seat.
"I believe this will not happen again?"
"Yes, Mrs. McGonogal" she replied, still short of
breath, as the teacher began instructing her interrupted class.
When Lily's heart stopped its frantic beating, and
she began breathing normally again, she realized that she was still wearing her
sweaty clothing, her long hair windblown, and she had absolutely nothing
necessary to take notes with. She felt her cheeks burning with shame, but what
she had been thinking about in the field kept nagging at her mind. Wouldn't it
just be better to end it all? It would solve all the problems at once. I would
see my parents again, I wouldn't have to wear a mask every day of my life, I wouldn't
hurt so much, and I wouldn't be so alone… for a moment, she stared at the
desk in front of her face, tracing the darker patterns of the wood with her
eyes; but then, she thought about something. Mom and dad probably went to
Heaven. But wasn't there something in the Bible that said that suicide is a
sin, and so you would go to Hell? If it's true then I would never see them
again. But then, is it worth it to stay alive? Her train of thoughts was
suddenly interrupted by a piece of parchment floating right under her nose to
land gracefully in the center of her desk. What the…?! She quickly
looked up, just in time to see a mop of black hair hide behind a tall,
black-haired boy. Who is sitting there? Now curious about this act of
generosity, she looked around the room, trying to remember who her classmates
were, and which one was the one who was hiding. She didn't remember. Transfiguration
wasn't her best subject, by far. It would be safe to say that it actually was
her worst. And therefore, she actually had to work hard, take notes and listen
to the teacher if she wanted to pass. So it came as no big surprise that she
didn't spend her class time looking around at the other students. But who is
that? I won't even be able to thank her. Or him. She craned her neck,
trying to see who her benefactor was without being too obvious. Sirius, isn't
it? Well, if he wasn't so big and so tall, I might see who is sitting behind
him! Getting angry and a bit desperate, she leaned her chair back, its two
front feet leaving the ground. Almost…she could see the back of the mysterious
person. She wore a crimson t-shirt under her robe. She could see the red collar
peeking from under the black robe. Well, not she. It's probably a he cause
his hair is short. The chair creaked from the unexpected position it was
in, and a few seconds later, every head in the classroom turned to look at Lily,
as she noisily crashed tot eh floor, emitting a frightened gasp as she felt
herself falling, and breaking the silence of the classroom. God! It hurts!
At first, she could only think about the pain at the back of her head. Then, as
her eyes focused and cleared from eh black spots dancing in her vision, she
finally got a clear view of the mysterious person. James? James Potter? Why would
HE help me? It's to his advantage to leave me without notes, so he will be
valedictorian. But her thoughts were cut short by an apprehensive McGonogal.
"Miss Evans, are you all right?"
Am I? Groan. I don't know. "I'm okay," she managed
to say.
"Well, then get back to your desk. And I want to see
you at the end of the class."
"Yes Madame." She heard some snickers as she did as
asked, but she held her chin high and sat down on her chair again with as much
dignity as she could muster. For her classmates, she was once more the proud
Lily they knew, but inside, she was walking on an edge. A very thin edge. And one
step either way would see her tumbling down into black emptiness.
She didn't think much. She didn't want to
think at all because every time she did, she thought about how miserable her
life was and what she could do to end it. No! I won't! Not now! So she
concentrated as hard as she could on the lesson at hand, glancing from time to
time at James, and quickly looking away if he happened to be looking her
way. What does he want? She thought, as she took notes with his quill.
~*~*~
After what seemed an age, the bell finally rang, and
Lily gathered her borrowed quill and parchment, waiting for everyone to leave
the room before going to see Mrs. McGonogal.
"Miss Evans, I will go right to the point. If you
continue having the same grades, you will fail this class. I am aware that you
are doing just fine in every other class. I can even say that you are doing a
wonderful job. If you increase your grades in this class, you could challenge
Mr. Potter for valedictorian. You are a bright young girl and I know you can do
better than that. If need be, I will ask one of your classmates to help you." She
did not say anything about Lily's tardiness, nor raise an eyebrow at her shabby
appearance. That news did not come as happy, though. Was that why Potter let
me borrow his supplies? Because he was asked to? Anger rose in her, and she felt like punching him. Really hard.
Did he hide because he was ashamed to let the others know he had to help me?
Then she realized that why he did it mattered. But it shouldn't! I do not
care why he did it. He is an ass-hole, he's selfish, he's…why am I angry? There
is nothing to be angry about, she thought, fuming. Mrs. McGonogal looked
curiously at her, and Lily scolded herself for letting her emotions show. What
will she think now? That I'm either a shy little girl, or a brat, angry at her
because I'm failing her class. Neither is good. Anger and desperation mixed
inside her, battling against each other. Neither was winning, but neither was
losing either. Lily was about to burst.
"I will try harder Madame, I promises," she managed,
before she quickly stepped out of the class and began running down the hall,
her footsteps echoing through the emptiness, soft thuds, getting quicker. Where
to? Common Room is out of the question; it'll be full of people now. Outside? No,
someone will look out of a window and find me. Astronomy tower! Yes, no one
will be there until nightfall. Breathing
hard, and tears fighting to get out, she made it to the tower without being
seen, and as soon as the door was shut, she sank to her knees, parchment and
quill falling tot eh floor from her numb fingers. Tears started rolling down
her cheeks, as she shook with silent sobs. What's happening? Why am I crying?
She thought, angrily wiping her tears away. As she calmed down, she sat on the
cold stone floor, hugging her knees to her chest. She was sad, and she didn't
know why. Because McGonogal told me I
was failing? No…I already knew that, and I can get help. Because Potter wasn't
as nice as I thought? So what? I thought that's what you wanted? Be apart from
everyone. Yes, but… she could feel a void inside her, and it hurt. It hurt
as much as the absence of her parents, but it wasn't quite the same. What am
I going to do then? I can't both be with people and away from people. It's just
impossible! Arrgg. You're either black, or white. You can't be a checkerboard!
Sighing, she took her first look around the room. She has been here several
times with her astronomy class, but always at night, with no light but the dim
glow of the moon. Now, the sunlight was streaming in through the half open
roof, gleaming off the metal telescope. The floor was bare, and so were the
walls, warm with sunlight. She remembered lying on the floor during one of the
class, filling up a chart of the night sky, then rolling on her back to look at
the twinkling stars. As she looked up at the roof, she caught sight of a red
object, and her heart missed a beat as she remembered her nights with Remus,
sitting on the roof of the astronomy tower. They had charmed a tile of the roof
red, as a memory of their friendship. Again, tears welled up in her eyes, but
this time, she let them fall. God, why? Why me?
~*~*~
A/N: that's it for now. Thanks everyone who
reviewed, it made me want to write more. The number of reviews is directly
proportional to the number of chapters! J
If you are bored and do not have anything better to
do than read fan fiction, then stop for a minute, and send a little prayer for
the people who died in NYC and Washington, and for all those who lost a part of
their life. It's the least you could do. L
