~ Please, stop loving me ~

~ Please, stop loving me ~

by Ola

~*~*~

Chapter 5-

The sun had set behind the Forbidden Forrest, and gloom was falling on Hogwarts. Lily finally got up and went back to the Common Room, walking slowly, without making any noise. The room wasn't empty. James was lying on his stomach near the fireplace, scribbling furiously and occasionally turning pages from a thick, leather bound book. A group of girls was occupying a few of the armchairs, chatting with excitement, and…a loud noise made her turn around. A figure was feverishly rummaging through the room, and papers were flying everywhere.

"Remus?" said Lily, surprised at his behavior. He faced her for a second and went back to his search, but that second was enough for her to see his bloodshot eyes, drawn and pale face, and horrified expression. Her hand jerked up toward the silver pendant.

"Remus, what's wrong?" she said, compelled to help her friend, even though she would usually have stayed out of it.

"I can't find it," he whined.

"Find what?" she asked, beginning to be afraid for him. But he didn't answer, whether because he didn't want to or because he couldn't. Lily glanced back at the other occupants of the room. The girls were paying him no attention, but James had stopped writing his homework to look worriedly at Remus. What's wrong with him? I hope he's all right. Am I like that too? Not accepting any help? God… thought Lily. Sliding her hands into her sweats' pockets, not knowing what to do except stand there and wait. But as her left hand touched the bottom of her pocket, her fingers encountered a hard, oblong object, and she suddenly remembered the vial that she had found that morning. Is that what Remus is looking for? Is it so important as to be half mad searching for it?

"Remus," said Lily, taking the white powder from her pocket, but she didn't have time to finish her sentence. As soon as Remus saw what she was holding, he lunged at her. It was as much by reflex as by luck that she got away from him and did not end up on the floor. The girls had stopped their incessant chatter, and making faces of displeasure, they got up to their dormitory, vacating the Common Room for whatever altercation was about to take place. James had stood up, his homework left forgotten on the floor, still not taking a side, but ready to intervene at any moment.

"What is that Remus?" asked Lily, holding the little bottle out of his reach. But instead of answering, he stared at that white powder with greed, and panted heavily. God, what is that to put him into such a state, thought Lily, glancing at the thing that she was holding in her hand, high above her head. It just so happened that she was taller than him and could hold the vial out of his reach. After a minute or two, Remus shifted his gaze to repose fully on her own eyes and simply said "morphine."

The vial fell from Lily's numb fingers, as she just stood there, mouth agape, staring at her one time friend in shock. Fortunately, or maybe not so, James was quicker than gravity and caught the drug before it reached the ground and shattered. He was about to hand it back to Remus, but Lily's shouted "NO" stopped him from doing that.

"Where did you learn about it? It doesn't exist in the wizarding world?" said Lily, visibly shaken by the nature of the white powder. Her hand was now fully clasping the silver charm at her neck. Remus continued to stare at the vial, his brow now beaded with sweat, although the room was cool. His left hand began to spasm, and he clamped it around a fold of his robe, but the tremors were still visible. His body needed the drug. Badly.

"I read about it in one of your muggle books…Lil, I need it...you of all people should know that," he finally said, an unreadable expression passing through his face. James stood there, not understanding what was so important about a few pinches of white powder. But Lily knew, and she didn't know what to do about it.

"Why?" she whispered.

Remus scanned the room, but it was empty except for the three of them. "I'm a werewolf Lil," he said, his face pale, waiting for his friend to say never to talk to her again. But instead, she continued talking in a whisper.

"What does that have to do with you using morphine?"

"Lil, it hurts. You don't know how it hurts. When my bones change shape, I wish I would die. I always pass out from the pain. It's worse than anything you could ever imagine." His whole body shook with a shiver, as if he was remembering every detail of his monthly transformation. "At first, it helped. But then, I had to take more and more to make the pain go away. And …and now, I have to take it every week. If I don't, I...I start shaking, and I can't think and I…Lil, I don't know what's happening. I'm scared…" he finally said, his eyes moist. Lily slowly sat down on the floor, as tears trickled down her cheeks. Oh my God, he's addicted to morphine, and it's all my fault. She couldn't stop berating herself, her knuckles going white from clasping the pendant so hard.

"Rem, you're addicted. You have to stop taking that, or it will control you. It will destroy your life…do you hear me? You have to force yourself to stop taking that. You can either stop by using smaller doses each time, or you can stop altogether. That would be the hardest. You will be very sick, and you will want to use the morphine again. But you can't. do you hear me?…Rem?" after a moment of silence, Remus closed his eyes and nodded.

"Give me that James," she said, extending her hand. James glanced at Remus, and seeing him nod, gave it to her. And as soon as her hand closed around the small glass container, she rose and walked toward one of the tall windows. She opened it, unstoppered the vial, and watched its contents slowly drift to the ground, carried away by the wind. Turning back to face the two boys, she said again, "Remus, please, promise me you will never use it again, no matter what…I'm sure that there's a way to do the same, using magic, that won't be so bad for your health. Does Dumbledore know about…err… you being a werewolf?" For some reason, Remus glanced at James before nodding. "So why didn't you ask him for a solution?" she asked, a little exasperated.

"I didn't think about it," he said sheepishly.

"James," said Lily, turning to the black-haired boy, "please, make sure he doesn't use it anymore. I know that you don't understand what's so bad about some white powder, but just trust me…please?"

"All right, I will," said James, talking for the first time this evening. But how could he have said "no," with Lily looking at him with her big emerald eyes? He shook himself together, watching Lily walk up the stairs to her dorm, and thinking about a million things at the same time.

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as soon as Lily set foot in her dorm, she flopped on her bed and closed the curtains around it. Curling around into a ball, her face in her arms, she sobbed, her hand searching for the comforting object around her neck. Awful! God…how could this day turn out so …awful. Why did I give him those books…why…too much why's. And it's all my fault…God, I should have died with them. But as her hand closed jerkily around the necklace, the memory of that long ago rainy day came back. No, I can't. I won't. I will live for you, mom and dad. I'm sorry for thinking that way. I promise, I will try not to think about it anymore. Her finger raced along the sharp edge of her magical journal. But it's so hard… She sighed as she opened it, and began writing what she had wanted to do. It helped to confide in someone, especially if that someone was a journal that would never reveal what she wrote in it, and would always stay close to her heart.

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Lily was wearing a white flowing dress, clinging to her torso, and flying around her slender legs. As she looked down at herself, she noticed that she was barefoot, but she couldn't feel anything under her feet. No cold floor, warm wood planks, or grass tickling her toes. She was surrounded by blackness. No, not blackness. It's…it's nothing. It's empty. This place has never seen light, nor any mass, nor volume of any kind. Why am I here…or better yet, where am I? She continued to float indeterminately, not being able to distinguish seconds from days in this strange place. Her thoughts drifted with her, and with nothing to occupy her mind, she went over the past day's events. They had been happening from bad to worse, and she had been berating herself for Remus's problem. I shouldn't be allowed to live, she though bitterly, as her hand cam up to her neck, in search of her pendant. But instead of touching the cool silver object, her fingers gently brushed against the hollow of her throat. What the…? She thought, startled. Her other hand came up too, but there was nothing to be found there. Her necklace was gone, and with it, all hope of sanity and strength. Lily frantically began to search for pockets into which she might have slipped her little treasure, but there weren't any. And she didn't have her wand. No…No! "NO!" she screamed as she began running, blinded by her tears and a deep, uncompromising fear. But it didn't matter; there was no direction in this place. Suddenly, she felt her feet touch cold stone, their thudding echoing somewhere in the back of her mind, but she didn't stop, running along a dimly lit stone corridor. It was never ending as far as she could see. Neither doors nor other corridors were visible to break the bleakness of this place. It could have been anywhere. Even the widely spaced yellowish candles that cast a stark, naked light were unadorned, and they could have belonged to anyone. Lily's heart thumped against her breast as she raced along that hallway, trying to outrun her thoughts, but failing miserably. Finally, she stopped, doubled over from her effort and trying to regain her breath, as her own little voice assailed her ears, deep with disgust and loathing. Look at you… you are nothing. You don't even know where you are. You can't get out of here…running like a startle rabbit. That's all you are, a meaningless rodent. You are not worthy to be alive. You should have perished with your parents. They should be here, instead of you. Go away! Go away from here and do not return to the living! Lily backed up into the wall, her back and hands pressed against the cold stone, searching for support. But as that voice continued to enumerate all the things she had done wrong in her life, all the friends she had mercilessly abandoned for her own selfish purpose, Lily slid down to the floor, her arms wrapped around her knees, whimpering, trying desperately to blot that vicious voice out of her head.

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A/N: that's it for now. One more chapter, and this story will be finished. Please review! I know, this was a little angst-y… but it will get worse before it gets better. For all those with weak hearts, do not read the next chapter. I will probably write it before two weeks are over (and probably even before that). Anyway, I thank all those people who reviewed. It made me really happy. I love reviews. They motivate me to write more. But in case you DON'T want me to write more, then, don't read my stories, cause I will continue to write them anyway! J

Sorry to make this one a cliffhanger J I promise I will try to type the finale quick. Just let my poor fingers get a rest. They got a bit tired after typing so much!

Thanks again for those who reviewed, I love you guys! And for all of you who didn't, you are LAZY with a capital L (except those, of course, who have computer problems or who work off line.) J that's it, I'm finished with my "little" note. Pfewww! J

~ Ola ~