~ Please, stop loving me ~ LO Normal LO 15 129 2001-09-26T21:12:00Z 2001-10-31T21:46:00Z 3 1605 9151 LO 76 18 11238 9.2720 0 0

~ Please, stop loving me ~

by Ola

~*~*~

Chapter 6-

Lying awake on his bed, James was listening to the peaceful breathing of his fellow Griffindors. An hour ago, Remus had finally fallen asleep. James didn't really understand what had happened that same evening in the Common Room between Remus and Lily.  But whatever it was, it must have been really bad to put her in such a state. And Remus wasn't much better off. He was shaking so much that he couldn't brush his teeth. But his mind went back to Lily. Remus will be okay until tomorrow morning. But I don't know about Lil. Rolling over on his back, he extended his arm to light his alarm clock. 11:52 said the little screen, glowing green, a dim hallow surrounding it for a few seconds until the little light went off and plunged the room into darkness once again. Is it too late to see her now? Not really. Not if it's important. But what will I tell her? "Lil, I am waking you up in the middle of the night to ask if you are okay"? Yea, right. But it was something more than that. He didn't really know what it was, but every time he thought about her, his stomach made a funny lurch and his palms tingled. But what if she did something stupid? She wasn't thinking right today. What if she…if she decided that whatever had happened to Remus was her fault, and she jumped from a window? No she wouldn't…would she? A cold dread came over him, as he laid on his back, staring at the dark ceiling. Arrg! What am I supposed to do? But God, I really like her, he thought, surprised that it was true. What if something happened to her? Then you would never forgive yourself, said another voice in his head.

After two more minutes of staring into space and debating whether to go see her, James sat up in his bed. It creaked a little as he swung his legs over the edge but none of the other occupants of the room stirred. Fortunately, the floor was made of stone, and although it was unpleasantly cold under James's bare feet, it did not creak under his weight. The 5th year girls' dorm was across the hallway from the guys' so he had no problem in finding the door. And anyway, it wasn't as if he had never been there before. The door was unlocked, and James allowed a smile to creep on his face, remembering professor McGonogal saying that Hogwarts's students had enough gray cells in their brain to know where they should not venture, and therefore should be allowed to roam around Hogwarts's grounds freely. Yep, true that, he thought, suppressing a laugh as memories of nocturnal escapades with Remus and Sirius flooded his mind. But he repressed his mirth, and seriously went on with his mission. The room was in the shape of half a circle, the other half of this floor of the tower being the guys' dorm. Four beds were lined up one next to the other, their headboards backed up against the only straight wall. The two tall windows were open to let the cool night breeze in, the deep red curtains fluttering in the wind. A plush carped, also red covered the floor. But James did not pay attention to any of the decorations or the posters plastered on the wall. He was looking at the four massive beds. Each had the curtains tightly drawn around them. James took a deep breath and slowly parted the curtains of the first bed, his heart beating fast. As soon as he saw the sleeping girl's blond hair, he closed the hangings and moved on to the next bed. The second girl was blond too, but her hair as short, and she had a teddy bear cradled in her arms. James smiled and moved on. The third girl had dark hair. Nope, though James. Just my luck, she's in the last one. He reached for the curtain, peered in, and took a step back in surprise. The bed was empty. Oh no. Where did she go? Should I go looking for her? Maybe she went to the bathroom, or maybe she is downstairs because she can't sleep… but his mind was whirling with other possibilities, most of them rather gruesome, until his eyes caught the gleam on the covers. A silver necklace and a silver book, lying open on the bed. A diary. For a moment, he was unsure as to what he should do, but his feelings for his friend were stronger and he reached for it with a trembling hand. As he quickly scanned the last entry, his face became as pale as the moon outside, and the pendent fell from his opened hand. She wouldn't!

 He rushed back to his own dorm, not caring whether he made any noise. The map! Where is the damn map?! He thought, searching through the wooden chest at the foot of his bed. Got it! "I swear I am up to no good," he whispered while already in the hallway. Miraculously, no one woke up. James, Sirius, Remus, and some kid named Peter made the "Marauder's Map," as it was called, two years ago. It showed a very detailed plan of Hogwarts, and little dots represented where people where. It was quite useful when trying to evade Mr. Filtch and his odious cat. But right now, James didn't care whether Filtch was at the other end of the school or right beside him. His eyes were only for the little dot that said "Lily Evans," and it was moving rapidly in the maze of the corridors on the lowest floor of the castle. Without thinking more, reflexively grabbing his wand, he took the stairs three at a time, using every secret passage he knew of to arrive at ground zero. As he stepped down from the last stair step, after countless hallways, stairways, twists and turns, he was heaving from exertion, wondering how Lily could run that long. This deep under the ground, the silence was a heavy presence. Every footstep could be heard, every little whisper. The hallways were dimly lit by candle stubs, most of which had burned out some time ago.  This is creepy. He stifled a yell as another candle was snuffed out and this part of the hallway was plunged into darkness. Hastily coming into the protective light of another candle, James glanced at his map and began his tired run again, his eyes shooting fearful glances into the dark corners, all the while wondering when something would creep out of them to attack him. Time seemed to slow here, the endless rows of locked doors and corridors blurring before his eyes. Somewhere far above, he heard a clash of metal against stone, but it reached James's mind as just another fact of life, no more important than his aching feet being numb with cold, or the chilly air burning in his lungs. After rounding another unrecognizable corner, James slowed down his mad dash. He could hear her somewhere ahead, and she wasn't running anymore. Chocked sobs reached his ears as he took cautious steps forward. But as they suddenly stopped, James hurried his steps. There she was, kneeling on the floor. Her dark red hair fell on her shoulders in waves and she was shaking with silent sobs. Her tear-streaked face was ghostly pale, and her shiny emerald eyes were looking at something she held in her trembling hand. James sighed with relief. She's alive. She's afraid, but she will be okay, he thought, taking quiet steps toward her. But what is she going here? What happened to her? He quietly kneeled next to her, trying not to frighten her further, and as he finally saw what exactly she was holding, his face became as pale as hers.

~*~*~

That little voice inside her head was merciless, and it wouldn't stop. Somehow, Lily's hand touched a cool, smooth object, and she picked it up. It was a knife. How it had gotten there, she had no idea, and the only way she had even recognized what it was, was by touch, as her eyes were filled with tears of fear and frustration. One last time, her hand came up to her neck, but it fell to her side, empty. Her necklace was gone, and with it, all she had held dear. Her life, her memories. There was no reason for her to stay alive. I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry daddy. It wasn't your fault. And with that last thought, she gripped the knife's hilt and ran the sharp edge from the wrist up her forearm, but the knife clattered on the floor before it got halfway to the elbow. A sharp pain shot up her arm as she saw crimson blood flowing from her wound. And she hissed in pain, clenching her jaw, and gripping the now bloody knife's hilt with her other hand so as not to grab her wrist and slow the life pouring out of her. She had no idea it would hurt so much, but with the pain also came an end to that dreamlike state she had been in. she was once again wearing her jet black Hogwarts robe, and she supposed she was somewhere in the castle proper. Sooner than she thought, her mind clouded again, but for a different reason. Her heart was beating slower, and her breaths came ragged and uneven. After a time, she couldn't even feel her arm, and her surroundings were dimming out as dark spots danced wildly in front of her eyes. As if from far away, she heard footsteps and a blurry face appeared in front of her own, as two hands delicately took her into an embrace.

"Good bye," she whispered, smiling, as she felt a pressure on her arm. It's too late, I will go now. Don't feel sorry for me. I am happy now.

"Lily, no! Stop! Do you hear me? What do you think you are doing? You can't go! You have your whole life in front of you…" said that voice again.

James? "James?" came a tiny whisper.

"Yes, it's James. Come on Lily, you have to live, please…for me. Lil. Lily?" she lost consciousness, tears sliding down her snow pale cheeks.

~*~*~

Oh my God! She…she really did want to… he couldn't finish. Tears trickled down his face, as the red patch on the floor quickly grew bigger. He grabbed her bloody wrist, trying to stem the flow of blood, wondering all that time whether he was too late. She looked at him for a moment and seemed to recognize him, but she was dazed, and becoming weaker with every passing moment.

"Lil, you can't go, please…for me. Lil. Lily?" and as he said it, he realized that it was true, but could destiny be so cruel as to take away his love the moment he found it?

Lily now laid unconscious in his arms, her hair as red as her blood, her snow white face a sharp contrast against her black Hogwarts robe. God she's beautiful… what am I thinking about! She's dying and I am saying that she is cute! God…but I really do love her. And with that last thought, he cradled her up in his arms, his hand still a tight grip on her wrist, and began the long journey back, through the maze of hollow hallways, empty of life so long ago.

~*~*~

End                                                

A/N~ that's it for now. There might be a sequel to this story, but I am in the process of writing two other stories, not HP though. I hope you enjoyed this fic. I did. It is sad, and I hope I did not overdo it with her committing suicide just because her parents died, and she lost her only tie with them.

Please review, and think about life. You never know what tomorrow may bring. Don't keep back your feelings from others. One time it may be too late to tell them you love them.

Enjoy life, be nice to everyone, and dream. It may come true if you want it badly enough.

All right. I', finished with my little preaching here. Hope you have a great life. Peace and love J

~ Ola ~