Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or Rubik's Cubes. And The Rules were taken from this website:
http://freaky_freya.tripod.com/horror_movie_rules.html
Don't sue me. I have no money.
Warnings: This is stupid and not meant to be scary. And even though Relena and Wufei die I'm not labeling this a bashing fic since about 99% of the characters WILL DIE before the fic is finished. Don't worry. It's only a movie and they all come back to life eventually. This is also very weird so be prepared. If you haven't read my last Halloween special…you don't have to, it's nothing like this one ^__^ OOC PILOTS!! EVERYONE IS OOC!!!
THE RETURN OF CHERRY BLOSSOM'S LITTLE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!!!!!! (this time, it's personal.)
Cherry Blossom: Well it's that time of the year again.
Trowa: Time to get your rabies shot?
Quatre: Time to renew your driver's license?
Wufei: Time to renounce fanfiction writing and leave us the hell alone for once?
Cherry Blossom: No, no, and definitely not. It's….HALLOWEEN!!! And because it's Halloween, we get to do an obligatory special. Just like last year ::sigh:: Memories…
G-Boyz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Melpomene: Wow. I never get tired of hearing that.
Matteo: Please tell me that there are no spiders in the special this time. Please.
Cherry Blossom: No spiders. I thought we'd do a movie this time.
Duo: What?! Are you insane? I am not going to be in some stupid slasher movie! I'll get killed for sure.
Quatre: ::confused:: What do you mean.
Duo: The joker of the film always gets killed. It's in the Rules.
Heero: What rules?
Duo: EVERYONE knows about the Rules. What, do you live in a vacuum? Don't answer that.
Heero: -_-
Duo: Here, I'll explain about the Rules while the rest of you do the movie. Deal?
Cherry Blossom: ::pouting:: But that leaves me short one victim—er, I mean…actor.
Duo: ::shrugs:: Why don't you bring the girls in. Hell, bring in all the characters. Higher body count means more money!
Quatre: ::nervous:: I don't like the way this conversation is going.
Cherry Blossom: All right. The girls can come along too. And the Ozzies as well. And the scientists. Wouldn't want to leave anyone out.
There is a poof sound and a bunch of people fall from the sky to land on the floor in a heap.
Dorothy: Oww….
Hilde: What the hell?
Noin: I think I landed on my cell phone…
Zechs: All right, who's got their hand on my ass?
Catherine: Oops. Sorry.
Zechs: No you're not.
Catherine: ^__^
Howard: Am I here again?! Dammit that's the third time this week! What do you people want from me? ::throws pina colada across the room::
Everybody else: O.o;
Dr. J: Wow. It's been a long time since I've been invited to join in a fanfiction.
Prof. G: Speak for yourself.
Instructor H: I'm never invited to fanfictions. This isn't a lemon is it?
Everybody: NO!!
Instructor H: Sheesh, I was only asking.
Relena: Get OFF me you big oaf!
Trieze: That is no way for a lady to speak.
Relena: I'm going to introduce you to my fist in about a second if you don't get OFF.
Sally: I thought you were a pacifist.
Relena: Doesn't mean I'm a pushover.
Lady Une: Cherry I wish you'd get a better way of transporting us.
Cherry Blossom: Uh…sorry?
Zechs: No you're not.
Cherry Blossom: ^__^ Look all of you read these scripts and get on set, kay? We're a little low on budget so Matteo's gonna be cameraman and Mel's our sound effects person. Hopefully the revealing costumes I'm putting you guys in will draw away from the fact that we have no plot and an inexperienced crew.
Matteo: Heyy…was that an insult?
Cherry Blossom: ….no?
Melpomene: Good.
Cherry Blossom: Duo, get ready for your cue.
Duo: Right. ::clears throat::
Cherry Blossom: Ready on set! Cue background music.
Melpomene: Background music starting…now!
Creepy night sounds fill the air.
Cherry Blossom: Camera #1 ready!
Matteo: Ready!
Cherry Blossom: Roll 'em in 5…4…3…2…
Duo: So you find yourself in a place many have gone, but few have returned from. You have entered…..THE SLASHER ZONE.
Melpomene: *Dwee dee doo doo, dwee dee doo doo, dwee dee—
Cherry Blossom: Mel…
Melpomene: Sorry.
Wufei, Heero, and Relena show up on screen. They are walking through a dark forest, nervously clinging to one another…okay, fine. Relena is nervously clinging to a bored looking Heero. Wufei is swing his katana at random plants off to the side.
Wufei: ::muttering:: Stupid onna, making us be in a stupid Halloween fic. I don't even celebrate Halloween dammit! I'm Chinese!
Relena: I think I hear something…
Heero: Yeah. The rantings of a madman.
Wufei: ::glares:: What was that Yuy?
Heero: ::smirk::
Leaves rustle in the distance and eerie music fills the set.
Heero: What the…
Relena: Where's this eerie music coming from?
Duo: Rule #1 for surviving a horror flick:
Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Wufei: Why are we out here in the woods at night anyway?
Relena: Good question.
Heero: Look, something's moving in those bushes over there.
Relena: Heero, don't!
Heero: What? I'm just going to take a look. I'll be right back.
Duo: Rule #2:
Don't ever say that you'll be right back, because you won't be. Ever.
Wufei: Look, why don't I go with you, Yuy.
Relena: Ohh no, you are not leaving me alone out here in the woods. No way.
Wufei: Don't be such a baby, onna.
Duo: Rule #3:
When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.
Relena: I'm going with you.
Wufei: I don't see why we can't just stay on the path and not go wandering about in the woods at night.
Heero: Because it's in the script.
Wufei: …oh.
The trio moves off the path towards the sound. The background music rises to a crescendo and then stops suddenly.
Relena: Uh oh. This can't be good.
A hulking figure in a ski mask with a chainsaw pops out of the bushes and runs over to the three victim—uh…heroes.
Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy: Arrrgh!
Duo: Rule #4:
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.
Relena: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Heero: ::pulls out gun:: Omeo o korosu.
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM…BAM
The Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy still comes after them.
Wufei: This isn't working…
Duo: Rule #5:
If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload)
Heero: ::runs out of ammo:: Damn. ::pulls out another, smaller gun::
Wufei: ::sweatdrops:: Uh…call me crazy but I don't think you'll have much effect on him with that thing.
bam bam bam bam bam
Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy: Argh! ::looks mildly pissed but keeps on coming::
Relena: Heero…
Heero: Is this guy Rasputin or something? Die already!
bam bam bam bam bam bam…click click
Wufei: Oh *expletive*! Yuy you *expletive* *expletive*! Now we're gonna die!
Duo: Rule #6:
If you have a shotgun or some other big gun and your shooting a monster and it has no effect on it, don't just whip out a tiny pistol and start shooting at it! RUN, you IDIOT!!!!!!
Heero: Right, I give up. Run away! Run away!
Our trio runs deeper into the forest, screaming, as the masked villain gives chase. Insert five minutes of exciting footage of people running through the forest in the dark here.
Heero: ::trips over a branch:: Oof! ::falls down:: What the…
Wufei: Get up you idiot! He's going to catch you!
Relena: ::tugs at Heero's sleeve:: Come on Heero! ::starts to run and then trips as well, dragging Heero to the ground with her::
Heero: __
Relena: Aheh heh…sorry?
Duo: Rule #7
When running away from a serial killer in a large forest, always make sure your shoelaces are tied and you don't trip on a branch.
Wufei: ::trips over his shoelace:: Ah! What the *expletive*! My shoes don't even have laces!
Relena: ::trips and falls:: Oww…
Heero: Get up you two!
Wufei: ::grumbles:: It's not my fault.
Relena: ::stands up and then falls down again:: This is so not fair! ::starts to cry::
Heero: What's the matter with you? I mean, I know you're not exactly graceful but even you're not this clumsy.
Relena: Hey!
Duo: That brings us to Rule #8
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
Relena: That is a stupid rule.
Duo: ::shrugs:: Hey, I don't make up these things.
Wufei: Discuss later, run now!
Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy: Mrrawgh!
Our trio runs into a clearing (after tripping on tree roots and the like a few more times) and pass a startled looking Quatre.
Quatre: Hey guys! What's wrong? Why are you running like that?
Relena: Well you see it's a—
Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy: Blarrgh! ::catches up to Relena and slices her in two::
Quatre: Ew…okay, I guess that answers my question.
Heero: Run you *expletive* moron! ::grabs hold of Quatre and drags him along after him while the CCWG (Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy) is busy with Relena.
Quatre: ::struggling to keep up:: No need to be rude about it.
Duo: Heh heh heh…first casualty of the evening ladies and gentlemen!
Cast and crew: Yay!
Relena: ::comes back stage looking rather messy and covered in fake blood:: You killed me!
Duo: ::shrugs:: Sorry. You were in direct violation of rule #9
Relena: Which is?
If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck.
Relena: ::mad:: Gee, thanks.
Cherry Blossom: Don't worry, you can always come back as a zombie later on.
Relena: Oh joy.
Wufei: Helllo. Chainsaw Wielding Maniac here. Can we focus on the movie please?
Cherry Blossom: Sorry Wufei.
Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy: Blaargh!
Our trio (minus Relena add Quatre) spots a Honda Civic on the horizon. Why a Honda Civic? Why not? Besides, a Winnebago is too hard to manouver onto the set…
Everyone: GET ON WITH IT!!!
…sorry. Anyway, they all pile madly into the car as Heero fumbles with the keys—
Dorothy: How'd he get the keys? They're in the middle of nowhere in an abandoned Honda Civic. How could Heero have the keys?
…uh…okay Heero hotwired the car. There. Better?
Dorothy: Much.
Heero: Okay this wire goes there and then I…
Wufei: Hurry up Yuy!
Quatre: Wufei you are squishing my arm.
The car starts and then stalls. Heero tries again, only to evoke the same result.
Heero: What the…
Wufei: Yuy!
Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy: Waaaarhg!
Dorothy: Um…
Cherry Blossom: What is it now, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Can't the Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy say anything coherent?
Everyone: NO!!!
Dorothy: Sheesh, calm down okay? It was just a simple question.
Heero: Why won't this *expletive* car start?!
Quatre: ::shrugs:: 'Cause it's a Civy?
Cherry Blossom: Quit picking on the Civys! At least they're not Gremlins.
Matteo: Cue the Gremlins?
Cherry Blossom: ::groans and buries her head in her hands::
Wufei: I think you should give up on the car Yuy.
Heero: I don't get it. I hotwired everything correctly. It should work.
Duo: Not necessarily. Rule # 10 says:
When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.
Wufei: Great. Just great.
Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy: Mwaaaargh! ::pounds on the driver side window::
Heero: ::sigh:: Looks like we're back to running.
Quatre: How're we supposed to get away if he's just standing there, waiting for us to come out?
Heero: Bait.
Quatre: Bait?
Wufei: Don't be stupid Yuy. What could we possibly use as…
Quatre/Heero: ^__^
Wufei: Ohhh no. No way.
Quatre: But Wufei, surely you must see it is the only honorable thing for you to do.
Wufei: B-but…
Heero: Quatre, grab his legs. I'll get his head.
Wufei: Hey! Let go of me right now! I'm warning you…Yuy! What are you doing?
Heero: ::rolls down the window and shoves Wufei out of it:: We'll always remember you, Wufei.
Wufei: YUY YOU *expletive*! I'M GONNA *expletive* HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR *expletive* *expletive* LIFE!! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU MESSED WITH WU—
Wufei is horribly murdered by the Crazy Chainsaw Wielding Guy. While the murderer's attention is diverted, Heero and Quatre run away. There is a moment of silence on the set. Then…
Duo: Ladies and Gentlemen that is the SECOND casualty of the evening!
Cast and crew: ::cheer::
Wufei: ::comes backstage, furious and covered in fake blood:: YOU *expletive* LITTLE *expletive*!!!! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!!!
Duo: ::grins:: Rule #11:
Feel no guilt.
Wufei: YOU WILL FEEL MY FIST DOWN YOUR THROAT YUY!!! NO ONE BETRAYS WUFEI AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!! I'M *expletive* DEAD HERE!!!!
Relena: Join the club.
Cherry Blossom: Well…now that the mood is set, let's go back in time to three days ahead of this scene.
Zechs: You can do that?
Duo: ::shrugs:: It's a horror flick. Timelines are always illogical.
Wufei: ::sneers:: Is that another rule?
Duo: Bite me.
Cherry Blossom: Now now, children. Let's just get on with the nice slasher story, kay? And the good news is…all those who died get to come back to life! 'Cause we've gone back in time! Yay!
Dorothy: You're strange.
Cherry Blossom: Thank you.
Three days earlier, our trio (the earlier one, with Relena, Heero, and Wufei) are walking through the halls of a crowed school. They gather around Heero's locker.
Relena: So, what was this thing you wanted us to see?
Heero: This. ::holds up small cube-shaped object::
Wufei: …it's a rubik's cube.
Heero: Not just any rubik's cube! It's the RUBIK'S CUBE FROM HELL!!!
Melpomene: Dun dun DUN!
Cherry Blossom: Mel…
Melpomene: Sorry.
Wufei: …Yuy, you are insane.
Relena: Have to agree with him there.
Heero: No really! My Aunt brought it back from her trip to South America. She said that she got it from the grave of a dead priest. Legend says that he was guarding the possessed box from falling into the wrong hands.
Relena: Heero, she probably just picked it up at the airport. Look, it says made in Taiwan on the bottom.
Heero: ::flips over the cube:: Hn. Well…
Wufei: Just put the thing away and let's go eat. I'm starving.
Relena: I can't believe you want to eat the cafeteria food.
Wufei: ::shrugs:: Food is food.
Relena: Whatever. C'mon Heero.
Heero: ::sighs::
Duo: What Heero's Aunt failed to realize is that she has broken the 12th Rule:
Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
The scene changes to a lab, far, far away, where five mad scientists are conducting their horrible experiments.
Professor G: Hey! I resent that! I'm not insane, I'm just relatively unstable.
Doctor J: ::snorts:: Yeah, right.
Professor G: Stuff it Claw.
Doctor J: Make me, Mushroom Man.
Quatre: Can't you guys stop fighting for one minute?
Doctor J/Professor G: NO!
Quatre: …I was only asking.
Cherry Blossom: Guys…the film if you please?
Doctor J: ::shoots G one last glare before pulling the switch on a large machine:: This is it! The moment we've been waiting for! This will change history and the nature of science forever…or at least make us famous for a few days.
Master O: At last, I shall get the chance to see my lovely DNA recombinator in action. Is the test subject ready?
Howard: ::trapped in a glass cubical with a laser pointed at his head:: Dammit, I'm gonna get you for this S!
Doktor S: He's ready.
Instructor H: Then let's get crackin'. I have a date with Sally Po tonight.
Wufei (from offstage): WHAT?!
Cherry Blossom: Shut up Wu. You're not in this scene, remember?
Sally: I'm not sure I agreed to this.
Cherry Blossom: Don't worry. You won't have to date him. He's gonna die soon anyway.
Duo: Yeah, they've all ignored Rule #12:
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
Doctor J: Everybody ready?
Instructor H: Yep.
Doctor J: Commencing recombination sequence in 5…4…3…2…1…now!
All five scientists flick their respective switches and the laser flickers to life, surrounding Howard in that…special glow.
Howard: You…shall..all…pay! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
There is a flash of light and a small explosion as the energy emitted by the laser becomes too much for the glass chamber to hold. Scientists duck and cover. When debris is finished falling, they peak out of their hiding spots one by one.
Professor G: Did it work?
Instructor H: Dunno. Howard, are you there?
A figure in a tattered Hawaiian shirt stirs in the rubble and turns to face the pilots. Well…he would if he had a face. Now it's just a gaping hole with gooey puss and strips of skin hanging off it.
Relena: Eww…
Cherry Blossom: Silence from the peanut gallery!
Howard: Blaaaaaaaaaargh!
Trowa: How can he speak? He has no mouth.
Cherry Blossom: ::glares:: It's a horror flick dammit! It doesn't have to make sense.
Howard also seems to have grown long, claw-like fingernails and a wicked set of spikes down his back. Howling, he launches himself at the scientists.
Doktor S: Oh *expletive*.
Howard rips the scientists to shreds with his claws, decorating the room with their bloody corpses.
Trowa: Bet you won't see that in an episode of Martha Stewert.
Cherry Blossom: Trowa, please.
Trowa: Sorry.
Duo: And so the scientists were all brutally murder because they forgot the 13th Rule:
ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!
Instructor H: Dammit, now I'll never get my date with Sally.
Sally: Thanks Cherry.
Cherry Blossom: No problem.
Matteo: Cherrrry, I'm tiiiiiiired! Can we stop and get something to eat now?
Cherry Blossom: But…but we're not even half-way done! You can't just leave it there!
Duo: Actually I'm hungry too.
Heero: And me.
Quatre: Me too.
Wufei: I could use a bite.
Trowa: Yeah.
Cherry Blossom: …..
Melpomene: You know pizza—
Cherry Blosssom: ::throws her hands in the air:: All right! Fine! I'm outnumbered. We'll eat and then come back to this later. Okay?
Everybody: YEAH!!
Duo: Dibs on the Nutter Butters!
Cherry Blossom: Hey! Don't touch the candy Goddammit! That's for the kids…
Duo: *chomp* Mmph. *smack* What was that Cherry-chan? *gulp*
Cherry Blossom: -_- Nevermind. I quit.
To Be Continued.
I'm tired and it's almost midnight. So, this will have to do for now. I'll finish this tomorrow or something. Happy Halloween!
