Title: Ai
Fandom: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
About: Ayanami Rei
Finished: 01/11/2001
Disclaimer: The copyrighted items belong to their respective owners. This fic was written so that I could wallow in depression.
Nayru's Rants Yep, I'm depressed and this is the second angst fic I've started today.... The song doesn't really fit Ayanami's personality, but it fit in this fic. Maybe it isn't angst... Just... Read it...
That isn't love
Love isn't that
I love, but I'm not loved
It's not love at all
But isn't love...?
I want to be loved, but I won't ask for it
This body may be crushed
I'll give my life away
Just plainly without hesitation
I'll con them and jift them
Come in from the side
I'll step on others and kick em' up
Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
Even if I slip on a banana peel
That's all for that one man
If I must say it's probably
Loyalty in the name of love
Ai Chuuseishin from Excel Saga
I sit here again, gazing out over Tokyo 3 from my seat by the window. It's always the same. The season never change. Not to me anyway.
I hear the laughter and joking of my fellow classmates, but I never join in. Why should I? They would never want me in their little pathetic lives anyway. I'm not made for having fun and be loveable.
I'm made.
Commander Ikari was the one who did it. And I'm the third one. The first and second one both died. I've never been told why the first me died. All I know is that Dr. Akagi's mother died on the same date.
But years have passed, seasons changed and so have I. I've changed. No one has realized this. Not even the Commander. I don't want him too either. He who cares for me in this world, even if it isn't me he sees.
But, Commander, it is me. I am Yui. Haven't you realized this? Even though I look different, I am her. Along with Unit 01.
I can feel Soryu's eyes upon me. I know what she's thinking. That I'm a doll made for someone's enjoyment. But I do have feelings, Second, even if I don't express them or make to much of them. Even if they aren't big. They're there. Inside of me.
When I turn and look at her, she sticks out her tounge at me and turns back to her friend, the class representative.
My eyes travels from them to Ikari, Suzuhara and Aida. They laugh and joke, but I know Ikari has the same feeling I do. That we are pieces torn apart. And I know why. He doesn't. It's sad, really, that I'm his mother.
I sigh and turn back into looking out of the window. I rest my head on one of my hands. The sakura petals are swirling outside, making the world pink. I almost smile, realizing I want to be one. To be out there, free from the world's torture, just flying around.
I realize that I love these moments. When no one is talking to me and I'm able to shut out everything. These moments are so peaceful.
But somehow, I know they do not love me. None of them do. Not the moments, nor the Commander. But somehow, I love him. In some strange way. It's Yui's feelings, I presume. For she loved him, and through me she still do.
I saw a picture of her once. Fuyutsuki had it. I don't think the Commander knows. Yui and the Commander was standing outside a school building, smiling together. I wondered how they could do that, so carefree. I wish I could do that.
I wish.
I feel.
I love.
Or are these illutions created? I may never know. I don't know it I want to know either. All I know is that I do no know and I'm grateful for that. Not to know what the future brings.
Arigatou, sakura petals. For these moments.
~Owari
