Disclaimer: Refer to Chapter 1
Doubt
Chapter Eight
It was dark, the room was small and damp, and not even the keenest of eyes could penetrate the blackness of the room. Squall didn't know if it was day or night, he didn't even know how many days he had spent down here, alone. Squall was bound and gagged, over the days he had eaten little, a bottle of foul water had been forced down him and stale bread also. The young man sat slumped like a sack against the wall, not even bothering to think of an escape, for he knew there were none. Squall pass the time, thinking about his life, how it had developed over the two years, faces, names and images came to mind, the one which hurt most sat raw in his mind like an open wound. Rinoa.
Rinoa will I ever see you again...will I die before seeing your face...die alone here and without you by my side? Will I not be able to touch you again, to feel that fire you make me feel? I'll miss you. I don't want to die, not now and never like this! I want to see you...I want you to be there and I want to be in your arms, where I know I'll be happy. I want to see my reflection...I want to grow old and be with you Rinoa...not die young and not to be with you. Squall tried to force these feeling and these images away, but there was one of Rinoa that wouldn't go. One that stayed and wouldn't budge. It was her face, when she had refused.... refused his proposal of marriage.
I'll never get to marry her...to have her as my wife. I'll never be able to call her my wife never to share my bed with her again. I'll never be able to feel what a father feels when his wife, his girl, gives birth to their newborn child. Never again will I feel any of that warmth. Squall felt his stomach give a tight lurch as he thought about this. He had never thought about having any children, in fact, in truth, he had never seen himself as a father; he didn't want to be a father. Children he had always considered to be an extra responsibility.
Then why now do you miss becoming a father? Laguna hadn't wanted me I am his son and...I never had a father because Laguna didn't want this responsibility. I was abandoned. Like I was by Ellone and maybe even Rinoa she refused me. Squalls brow formed a deep frown; tears sparkled in his eyes, tears. Squall hadn't cried since he was a young child.
Stop it. Stop thinking now. Rinoa hadn't abandoned you; Ellone couldn't have helped abandoning me. Laguna...maybe he just didn't know. Maybe he couldn't find me, but surely, surely he would have known, found out? I don't care, that's in the past. I don't care about Laguna, I never have done and I never will do. Rinoa does though .she loves him as a father. Why? He's a nice man I suppose. Am I not a nice man? Am I a horrible person? No. Stop thinking that! Rinoa loves me! I know she does! I know it! I know it! If she loved me...why say that she didn't know doesn't she know whether she loves me? Maybe she loves Laguna more then I. No! No!
Squall banged his head against the wall; his already large bump on the back of his head almost knocked him out cold. Squall flinched as the pain of his bump seared down his spine, making his whole head a ball of agony yet again. Squall remembered the struggle, when he had gone to save Reene and Javri, he had been hit over his head badly with the hilt of a sword...a gunblade. Who else did Squall know who had a gunblade ? His head hurt to much to think about it. The SeeD hero let his headache subside before he fell into a light and painful sleep, in which he dreamt of Rinoa, Laguna, Irvine, Selphie, Quistis and Zell, of Garden, of all the places he would probably never see ever again. Why couldn't I have died before...Ultimecia .you should have killed me. At least then I would have died with my friends. Friends.
Squall woke again, in the darkness, not knowing if it was the night he woke in or the morning. Food and drink came in on such an irregular basis he couldn't even tell by that. Squall tried to work the gag in his mouth loose; it tasted nasty, making Squall feel forever sick. His hands were tied tightly behind his back, attached to a cold metal pipe, his wrists hurt and he dared not struggle free, for he knew he would slit his hurting wrists and bleed to death.
Hyne help me please! I can't breath...help me! Squall began to cough, instead of getting the dirty bit of cloth loose and out of his mouth, he had only succeed into making his situation worse and swallowing the gag.
Shit! I don't want to die, not now and like this, in darkness and choking on this nasty piece of cloth. Squall coughed louder and banged at the steel pipe he was tied. Anyone please come help me! Squall felt his heart pump, it was beating fast, his natural instinct to survive took over everything and he struggled to free himself from the offending article which was in his mouth.
Wrists bled, his whole body hurt as he jerked and trashed his body from side to side, letting out barley muffled cries. As if Hyne had actually heard his cries for help, the door opened. Squall was on the very verge of collapse, his face cold and blue from the lack of oxygen intake. Squall tried to force his eyes up, to see who was coming to rescue him, but the image was blurred, in a quick swipe the gag was pulled out of his mouth and away from his face. Squall let the air fill his nostrils, never had the stale air of his compounds smelled so fresh and delighting.
"Thank you," Squall wheezed, he didn't care that it was his enemy that he was thanking, to have his life spared meant so much to him, it meant hope, that he would once again see Rinoa's pretty face, a small wish, a small hope, but it was there.
"Pitiful..."came the un-expected reply, from a person who owned a voice which Squall recognized so well. Squall tried to force his head up, but he was so weak, from the lack of oxygen and soon the lack of blood, which leaked slowly from his wrists. "So this is how I find you, Squall. Weak, weak and bowing before me! Well Squall that is how it should be. I used to be weak, but I am not anymore! You will see. You will see," he laughed, a laugh so familiar.
"Seifer...?" Squall whispered, he looked up to see the dark outline of the person who was most defiantly Seifer. "Yes, Squall, it is I. Two years we have been apart and you haven't changed a bit. I have though I have changed! Can you see? Can you? The battle you may have won Squall but never the war," Seifer said, standing tall above Squall. He bent down so he was eye level with his rival, then he did something which shocked Squall. Seifer took Squalls wrists and gently, even carefully, bandaged his wrists. Squall let him do this and silently.
Seifer left Squall, closing the door behind him, leaving him alone and in complete darkness again. Seifer...why? You helped me but why? You made it obvious that we were still rival .do you hate me? I don't hate you...I...I like you. You helped me feel better bandaged my wrists, loosened the twine a bit and left that gag off. For a split second I thought we were friends, I felt that we were friends. Then, we were rivals again as you left .you and I. Rivals to each other still. Always and forever. Squall didn't know, everything was confusing and he was too tired to think about it.
Drifting, drifting into sleep. Memories...pictures love. Rinoa...?? Quistis...?? Laguna????? What does all of this mean? Laguna...my father. My father! I forgot I can' I just can't see him as my father. Rinoa my wife …Quistis as good as my sister …Laguna dad? Father, no! No! I will never care about him as a fathre .as a friend even! Why?? Why should I?? Stupid dreams...go away...help .Ellone!! What does this entire mean...is this Ellone's 'connection'...no, I don't feel it, this is just a dream! Get out! Get out of my head! Stop it...Laguna...I know. I know who you are... I don't care… I don't care! Do you hear me… Go away!
"Go Away...Laguna!!!!!! I don't want you...No....Leave me alone!" Squall yelled out aloud in his sleep. His eyes snapped open, he was breathing hard and his heart was pumping. "Laguna? Are you...." Squall started to say out loud. Stupid. "Laguna...if you can hear me... help me, so I can see Rinoa again, so I know she loves me… as I know that… that I love her.." Squall whispered to the darkness. There was no reply, Squall gave a snort of a laugh, "of course there's no reply. I'm mad. Talking to myself here… .mad… mad... mad!" Squall said loudly. Again, Squall sunk into a deep depression, missing his friends and Rinoa. For the first time though, Squall thought about Laguna, he wanted to talk to him, and he needed to. All this anger he had felt for him, which had really just only come out, had subsided. Now Squall knew he had to talk to him, about their relationship, which was distant.
Ellone hit a white balloon to Rinoa, they had been batting the things around for ages, like children. Selphie giggled like a girl and spun around in a circle. "I wish everyday was like this..!" she said happily. None of them had been this joyful in days, all still worried over Squall.
Today though the sun had shown his face, his rosy cheeks beaming down upon them. He gave them hope, the cheery little sun.
"Yeah..." Rinoa replied, sitting down and laying on the grass outside of Garden. Ellone looked at her friend with sympathy; the sun had ridden Rinoa of all her sadness.
"Rinoa, Squall will be fine," Ellone said, smiling. Selphie nodded and grinned, batting the balloon to Rinoa.
"Yeah, Ellone's right Rinoa! Squall isn't going to go anywhere! The guys and Quistis will make sure of that!" Selphie said with confidence, though secretly and deep down, her heart was filled with worry and fright.(What if Squall isn't gonna be Okay? What about Irvine! Selphie his these feeling though, she had to be strong, if she wasn't, Rinoa might get even sadder.
Rinoa plucked a daisy from the grass and leant down on her elbow, resting her head in her hand. "I know what he's thinking. He's wondering if I still love him, I practically turned him down, he'll doubt my love for him and he's all alone taken and I have no way of telling him that I do love him. I will always have this fear, deep down. What if he doesn't come back? What if he dies thinking I don't love him, or as much as he thought I do. I love Squall...I always will do, I love him more everyday. I can't tell him this now though, can I? I have to wait… wait until he returns. Do you know how much this hurts? I wish... I wish I could be there and help him. I'm a sorceress aren't I? Why can't I help him! I wish I was a powerful sorceress, like Edea is… or had been, then I...." Rinoa stopped, she was letting too much emotion out, she was losing her calm, and she was supposed to be holding it. Being strong for Squall, but she couldn't. How could she be strong? How could she when the man she loved could possibly die?
Ellone embraced her friend in a hug, Selphie soon followed and they all hugged each other. Rinoa held back the tears, not allowing herself to cry, to appear weak. She had to be strong, for Squall and for herself. People depended on her being strong, there had already been a wave of panic spread through Garden, for Squall was loved very much by the people within it, especially the young aspiring SeeDs.
"I'm going to put my wedding dress on again..."Rinoa announced suddenly, she loved the thing. The old lady had completed it and all the bridesmaid dresses earlier then expected. Ellone let out a burst of giggles.
"You've already put that thing on ten times already, how many more times do you want to want to wear it?" Ellone asked.
"Ellone...the last time I'll probably wear it, will be when Squall and I get married. It is such a pity to have such a beautiful dress if you are to wear it only once," Rinoa replied, sounding confident this time that Squall was going to come back. Squall...don't die on me.. not now.. not ever.. you won't die. I know it! Rinoa silently reassured herself, like she did so often. The three young women walked back to Rinoa dorm, where the brides dress was stored, along with the bride's maids.
Rinoa put the dress back on and looked at her wedding ring, which she kept safe under her mattress. They were indeed very beautiful, not big like Squalls own original one, the one that hung from Rinoa's neck on a chain. These were the most expensive and the most beautiful things made. The man who had painstakingly crafted them had even said so. Rinoa put the ring on, wondering if it was bad luck. No, it couldn't be.
"It's going to be strange Rinoa, you will be Mrs. Leonhart, and you will have to introduce Squall to people as your husband. Doesn't it sound so...scary?" Selphie asked, she and Ellone had put on their beautiful dresses. Rinoa stared at herself, picturing Squall beside her, looking happy. The young woman closed her eyes, she missed Squall. His strange ways, his shy movement around her, the way he told her he loved her, even the way he smiled. She missed everything, his company, his touch, everything. She laughed silently, from someone she had first thought as the worst person to have the company of, to be the person she actually loved, to the person whose company she always craved.
"It won't be scary, because this is what I want, what he wants. So, I'm not afraid. I want this more then life itself," Rinoa replied, keeping her eyes closed, still picturing him, imagining that he was there in front of her, softly and shyly saying that she was beautiful, telling her that he loved her. Rinoa knew he was afraid that she didn't love him, he always left after saying these things, almost always. So he couldn't look her in the eye, so that she couldn't tell him that she loved him more then anything else in the whole wide world.
Selphie thought this was amazing, that Rinoa wasn't even the slightest bit afraid, for Selphie knew that she would, if Irvine asked her to marry him. She would be Mrs. Kinneas. Weird. Marriage was too early for them though, not yet, they would wait a few years, to see if their love would stay. Selphie knew it would, she felt like jumping up and down at this point. She wanted to jump and somersault around, to be out in those fields again, running and jumping. She was worried about Irvine, but she knew he would be alright, as she knew that Squall would be alright. Squall had to live. He had to. He just.....had to.
"Rinoa! Your wedding will be a day to remember! For you, for Squall and for all of us! It's going to be the bests!!!" Selphie chirped, "The Balamb Garden band is the greatest!! We're going to rock!" she grinned, punching the air with her fist, then remembering she was in a long flowing dress and falling over.
The day ended peacefully and with laughs. Rinoa for the first time forgot all her worries, concentrating on having a good time with her friends. Not worrying about Squall too much, or Irvine, Zell Laguna and Quistis. They laughed and cried tears of joy and excitement, doing girlie things, brushing their hair, painting their nails and trying on each others make-up. The had pillow fights like children, beating each other over the head until the pillows burst, sending feathers flying up in the air. The laughed so many tears fell out of pure happiness, running long lines of mascara down their cheeks, forgetting everything. Adult responsibilities, anything, it was all out of the window. Once again they were five years old, oblivious to the world, not really caring about anything much.
By dusk, they were still outside, leaving their weapons in a heap, not really needing them. They were all laid down, side by side, looking up into the starry sky, looking at the moon. The moon smiled down upon them, he was handsome. He sung a lullaby, caressing them with the cool air. His white face representing peace, peace now it is night. While the sun is there, fight under his red anger, but under me, rest, sleep. Would Squall be resting, would the Galbadians be fighting, ignoring that sign of peace up there, staring down? Rinoa didn't know.
Squall slumped, he looked at a strange light, it was a white line, a pure white line, and he moved his head and looked up, twisting his body to do so. The moon, so sweet, so peaceful. Squall could see it now. Once he couldn't, as the curtains which blocked the sun light had also taken the moon away, but now the certain was gone, removed by Seifer. Maybe a taunt, to give him a sight to the outside world, where he couldn't be, but now, he could see the moon. The whole moon, in its full and delightful glory. Squall loved it now, for he could see his mother now, looking down. Raine. She was his mother...he knew it; he had felt it the time he had seen her, when Ellone had taken him back to the past. Mom, thank you... thank you for protecting me so. Now though. I need you even more
