Descent - 12/16

Descent - 12/16

Cordelia paced Kate's kitchen with a face like thunder. As soon as the door closed behind them, she turned on Angel.

"I'm not one to keep my mouth shut ..."

Angel raised his eyebrows. "This I know already."

"... when there's clearly something that needs saying. What were you doing with the detective?"

"That's my business."

"Uh-uh. If it involves nookie it's all our business. Or did you go and forget?"

"That's where you're wrong, Cordelia." Angel folded his arms across his chest. "I still do have a right to some privacy. Now drop it."

"I won't. Does she know?"

"We aren't going to discuss this."

"Oh yes we will. She doesn't, does she? You're unbelievable, you know? I've been chasing round this city trying to help you tidy up the remnants of one life of apparently non-stop debauchery. One would think you'd learnt some kind of lesson."

"You're not being fair. It was a different time."

"You didn't even ask their names, Angel."

"Some of them. He didn't. I'm... not him any more."

"Right. So groping Kate on the living room carpet is evidence of your new-found level-headedness and sense of responsibility, is it?" Cordy dropped her voice to a forceful whisper. "Angel ... the curse ... for God's sake!"

"Don't."

"Don't what? Don't remind you that if you do it with her you'll be slaughtering us tomorrow? Well, excuse me, I kind of think it's important. Listen to me ..."

"No, you listen to me for a change." Angel finally lost his temper, and stabbed his finger at Cordy with every sentence. "I know about the curse. How could I ever forget it when it dictates my relationship every other human being alive? You're worried? I have to live with it every day."

"Then why..."

He took a deep breath and tried to speak calmly. "Perhaps because I'm coming to understand it. Maybe not completely, not yet. But it's getting clearer, in my mind. The boundaries are defining themselves."

"Well, whoopee! What are you going to do, be like a canary in a cage? Shag people until you 'find the boundary' and fall off your perch? Then I guess it'll be down to us to deal with the consequences. Again."

"It isn't to do with sex."

She looked at him, disbelievingly.

"It's not. Sex is immaterial. It's to do with perfect contentment."

"Seems to me that sex has a lot to do with it then, especially for someone like you. Sex without consequences, like in the good old days when you had a different woman in every tavern, huh?"

He ignored her gibe. "You have to trust me."

"Why? Because you're attracted to someone you can't have again? Because you're lonely and needy? Welcome to the world, buddy."

"I know it will be all right."

"Excuse me, but that's pure speculation. You don't know. How can you?"

"Because... because I've been through it. I've lived with it, whether knowingly or unknowingly, for a century or more. I've had my soul ripped out of me for daring to believe I could love Buffy and spend a lifetime with her."

Cordelia grimaced.

"I've had it drugged away and felt it creep back into me, like an unfaithful partner after a night on the town. I've spent..." He paused for the briefest moment and then continued recklessly, "I've spent hours mindlessly fucking because I wanted to lose it and never feel anything ever again."

Cordelia frowned. "When?"

Angel carried on as if he didn't hear her. "I couldn't. I couldn't lose it like that because it isn't to do with sex, it's to do with perfect happiness. A feeling so complete it drives everything else away."

Cordy heard Gunn and Wesley in the corridor, and put her hand on the door to leave. "If I believe you, and I'm not saying I do, I suppose my question is now ..." She paused.

"What?"

"If there's no possibility, however slim, of you feeling that with Kate, why are you getting involved with her?"

Angel thought a moment, and then replied, "I need to be involved. I might not be capable of giving everything, but I need something, Cordy. If you want me to live in the world ... if the Powers want me to be part of people's lives ... I have to really be there. Not just so far and no further. If I cut myself off, things go to hell. Why do you think I came back to you guys when the thing with Darla was over?"

Cordy sighed and rested her head against the door. "I dunno. You're a secret bridge fanatic and you're still hoping we'll make up a foursome one day?"

Angel smiled. "Because the alternative to living like a human being is darkness and despair. I spent almost a century living in it before Buffy came along. She opened the door for me. I don't want to go back there."

"You have to tell Kate. You must warn her."

"I will. I would have anyway. We weren't expecting you. I'm not going to be rushing into anything, I promise."

Cordy gave him a long stare. "Aren't you scared? Of what might happen?"

"Because of Kate?"

Cordelia nodded.

"Actually, I'm more scared of meeting my family. It's been so long since I felt that sort of bond with anyone."

"And what? You think that might set it off?"

"It's a possibility. What if ... they accept me? What if they like me?"

Cordy opened the door, "Take my advice. If you're worried about perfect contentment, just restrict your visits to family gatherings at Thanksgiving and Christmas. There'll be no danger."

The letter Wesley held was a single sheet of pale blue writing paper, laid out formally, with the sender's address on the top, right-hand corner, the date, and a salutation. "Dear Mr Angel...". The script was neat and unadorned, with long uprights and a tendency for characters to peter out rather than finish crisply, as if the writer was in some hurry and couldn't quite spare the time to complete them. Wesley held it out to Angel, who took it and stared blindly at the writing. Suddenly, he rocked back on his heels and put out a hand to steady himself, finding Gunn's shoulder.

"Could someone..." Angel's voice faltered, and then continued hoarsely, "Gunn? Could you read it for me?"

Angel's eyes were shining and unfocused. He held the letter out in front of him until Gunn took it, and then headed for the living room and stared out at the window, seeing nothing.

Gunn exchanged glances with the others. Following Angel, they ranged themselves on the chairs and sofa while Gunn read out loud.

"Dear Mr Angel...

The letter explained how a local company specialising in reuniting long-lost family members had been trying to get in touch with the sender. They had tried several previous addresses.

"... I am currently undergoing some medical treatment, and as I have no family and am required to be in hospital all the time, I don't keep an apartment any more. Most of my post is routed to a mailbox and letters are sometimes forwarded and take a while to catch up with me ..."

The sender was not aware he had any family. He'd grown up an only child and both his parents were also only children. They were now dead. The letter from Familiarity has been vague about the exact connection.

"... However, I can well believe there may be branches of my family, out there in the world, that I know nothing about. My grandparents were refugees who came to America after the Second World War, and seemed to wish to leave their experiences in Eastern Europe behind them. They never talked much about our family's origins to me, and they died when I was a schoolboy ..."

The letter finished with an invitation to write back and the hope that at some time in the future the sender and addressee could meet and get to know one another.

"Yours sincerely, Paul Kinsey." Gunn folded the letter carefully along its original creases and slid it back into the envelope.

When it was done, Angel turned to face the room and said quietly, "We have to find out where he is. We have to get to him before they do."

Before anyone could answer, Cordelia tipped forward in her seat, and fell, thrashing to the floor.