By Admiral Albia
Remember how, at the end of Live Free or Die, the Weasley twins gave the Marauders some Canary Creams? Well. You didn't think the Marauders'd just let that go, did you?
Disclaimer; I do not own the Marauders, the Weasley twins, or any friends, family and enemies thereof. I do, however, own Bria, Tkaa, Binary, Milton, Aelops and Otto... oh, and the recipe for invisible chalk ;-)
Chapter Two; Let Battle Commence!
It was September 1, and the prankster war was set
to begin at the start-of-term feast. Having been shoved away by Fred and
George, who claimed to be `too busy to have visitors`, Harry, Ron and Hermione
were hanging around Marauder HQ, where things were definitely getting strange.
"Confundus! What's your name?"
"Peter Pettigrew..."
"Aaargh! Finite incantum! What's your name?"
"Sirius Black, duh."
"Phew... Remus, is this your fur lying around?"
"Do I look furry?"
"It's werewolf hair... you're shedding!"
"I am not!"
"Is there a tune to this song, or is it just a song?"
"Sirius, are you sure you'll be able to stay in
character when you do this?"
"Hey, I'm an actor. Don't diss my talent..."
"Fine... but if you start laughing..."
"Um. Are we going to go and scare Snape to death,
or aren't we?"
"Oh, shit, I almost forgot! Do you three want to
come?"
"Yeah!"
"Because you're good at voices! Go on!" Sirius sighed, and raised his voice.
"Severus Snape?" to Harry's surprise, the voice was completely unrecognizable as Sirius'; it was deeper, spooky-sounding and it was strangely easy to associate with the Bloody Baron. Snape jumped.
"Baron? What are... where are you?"
"Over here," Sirius said, adding in whisper "you mindless moronic sludgeball." Hermione suppressed a giggle.
"Over where? Are you invisible?"
"No, duh," Remus muttered.
"Yes, I am invisible. I have a visitor for you..." They dropped the Cloak.
"Well, good morning, Snape," James said in an extremely falsely bright voice.
Snape's face was a picture; Disbelief battling Nausea in the foreground, closely backed by Disgust firing a broadside at Horror.
"You..." he managed, before his throat apparently seized up. Sirius nodded sympathetically.
"It took me like that, too. Only I fainted."
"You're a... a vision, a ghost, you're... you're dead!"
"You know, it's really annoying when people say that, because I'm not. Neither's Lily; she's around somewhere..."
"He has a pulse," Remus volunteered, "and he's breathing..."
"You had something to do with this, didn't you?" Snape snarled, glaring at Harry.
It wasn't exactly raining outside; it was worse. Very fine drops of water were cascading down, fine enough to act like fog rather than rain but heavy enough to get everyone wet, and Harry, Ron and Hermione had the pleasure of seeing Malfoy, absolutely soaking wet and with his hair dripping everywhere, slip on a particularly wet piece of grass and fall face down into the mud.
Almost everyone stared at the hat in amazement; the Slytherins just continued to glare at it as they had ever since it called their founder `an evil git`.Hi, I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat
I know that you don't care
So I'll just sing this stupid song
While you all sit and stare
See, Slytherin was an evil git
Hufflepuff was a sped
Ravenclaw was into smart people shit
But who cares, `cos now they're all dead.
Gryffindor, who digged wielding big ruby swords
Made me be the person to choose
Aww, dammit, I forgot the words
I've got to stop drinking that booze...
The stares all diverted to Snape, who went bright red and started shaking his head defiantly, muttering something under his breath.So, here I've sat for years and years
Writing song after song
So try me on, have no fears
PS - Professor Snape wears a thong!
"What's he saying?" James asked Remus.
"Uhm... unfair, unfair... no, Poppy, I don't... how did the hat know?... Sybill, I don't..." At which point Lily had such a fit of the giggles she had to duck under the table, joining Parvati and Lavender who were also in near hysterics. Professor McGonagall sighed.
"The judges would like to know who... ah." She stopped as a small piece of paper suddenly appeared in front of Dumbledore's nose, squealing in a high, nasal voice; `Sign here please! Sign here please! Sign here please!` "The Marauders, I presume?" They nodded, grinning, as Dumbledore signed the parchment, which vanished with a small pop. "Now... when I call you name you will sit on the stool and place the hat on your head... Applebee, Abigail!" A small girl stumbled forwards and placed the hat on her head. More interesting than the Sorting, though, was the staff table; Snape's mutterings were growing more and more angry, and he was beginning to go purple...
"RAVENCLAW!"
"Boron, Henry!"
"SLYTHERIN!"
"Deggins, Michael!"
"GRYFFINDOR!"
The Sorting continued, with Snape's ever-louder mutters in the background. Finally, he snapped.
"Mows, Mick!"
"I WEAR PLAID BOXERS!" Snape screamed, jumping up suddenly; the whole school - Slytherins included - burst out laughing and he ran, sobbing, out of the hall, while the rip on the Sorting hat's brim opened wide, and it yelled...
"YEAH, WHATEVER, MR. SPANDEX!" Professor McGonagall walked calmly up to the staff table and began to bang her head on it, while the hat continued to make it's judgement of Mick Mows.
"THIS KID IS DEAF!" It screamed suddenly, "HE'S JUST GONE DEAF BECAUSE OF ME YELLING IN HIS EAR ALL THE TIME!"
"What house, hat?" Dumbledore asked sternly.
"Oh... HUFFLEPUFF!"
"Was that a Confundus Charm?" he asked the Marauders. They nodded.
"And a very good one too, I don't doubt. However... tuck in, everyone!" The food appeared.
It began on the Slytherin table; suddenly, around a third of them turned into large canaries; another third began to suffer the effects of a Ton-Tongue Toffee; and the last third (who hadn't eaten either the biscuits or the toffees) panicked. Fred and George high-fived.
"Fred and George, would you be so kind as to help us with the tongues?" Madam Pomfrey called from the Slytherin table. They got up... and the Marauders moved into action, Remus and Sirius pulling out their wands and pointing them into the box which Remus had put the stuff he'd made in the sink into, then at the chairs which Fred and George had just vacated.. It was hard to see exactly what was going on, but it looked like they were writing something - backwards - on the twins' chairs. It was only at the end that anyone found out what.
DUMBER`
A/n; hope you liked! I'm desperate to get part three out, so don't be surprised if I upload it today =P
Many, many, MANY thanks to Aurora Lynn Rose for letting me use her `Messed Up Sorting Hat Songs`, and also, to all my readers... REVIEW! PLEASE! *sob* I WEAR PINK UNDIES! Ahem.
