In Too Deep: Death of Dreams
It's early. I should still be sleeping. He is, sprawled over my bed, taking up far more space than is physically possible, and completely tangled in the sheets. For some reason, instead of being an endearing sight, my heart gives a painful lurch and I feel almost ill. Curse you, James, for leaving your son to me, for giving him your looks.
I scowl at the figure in the bed, wishing he would wake, or just vanish. Part of me objects, but is ruthlessly squashed by the black humor that has settled on me. I want to see him hurt, as I was hurt, so many years ago. Cruel, I suppose, wanting to take my revenge on him.
***
"Are you hurt?"
Your blue eyes looking down at me in worry, as I pant for breath, shaken and terrified after what just happened.
"It was just a prank…Sorry to have scared you. If I'd have known what Sirius was up to…Here, lets get you to the infirmary."
Just a prank? I snarl at him and push him away, my heart breaking at those words. I pulled myself to my feet and stalk away, face set in a scowl.
***
I feel that same scowl twisting my features now as I watch your son sprawled across my bed. He wakes, those green eyes blinking open and looking up at me, and then a sweet smile spreads across his face. Can I do it? Can I hurt him?
I frown at him, and that smile falters, fading, turning into a look of confusion. He sits up, his hair tousled, and his face flushed still from sleep.
"Severus?" His voice is hesitant, questioning me.
"Go, Harry." I turn away from him, refusing to look at him.
I hear the sounds of cloth sliding over skin, and then he lays a light hand on my arm. "When will I see you again?"
I turn to find him looking up at me with hopeful eyes. I feel my scowl deepening. "You won't."
Green eyes go wide, staring up at me. "But-"
"I was just trying to rid myself of my past." I find a sneer somewhere. "You do look so very much like your father, you know. Or did you honestly think I cared?"
That did it. Those eyes fill with tears that he valiantly keeps from shedding. "So you were just…it was just because I looked like my father? This all…meant nothing to you?" He keeps his voice casual, trying not to react.
"That's right, Potter." I move away from him, straightening my room up, anything to keep from looking at him and taking it all back. This is harder than I thought. "And now it's over. You should be getting back before your little friends realize you're gone."
Silence from the other side of the room, then the sound of my door opening and shutting, taking him out of my life, probably forever.
***
I find myself staring at him, feeling the tears flood into my eyes as he says those words, those hateful words. All a lie, it was all a lie? It's all I can do to keep from bursting into tears and running from the room. Forcing the words out and trying hard to mask the pain in my voice, I ask, "So you were just…it was just because I looked like my father? This all…meant nothing to you?"
He pulls away from me, sneer fixed into place as he says what I am pleading with him not to say. "That's right Potter. And now it's over. You should be getting back before your little friends realize you're gone."
That's it. I can't take anymore. Somehow I keep myself from running, at least until I'm out of his rooms. Then I run, run as if I can leave it all behind me, the tears that I tried so hard to keep back spilling over and running freely down my face, blurring my vision. I stumble up a flight of stairs and sob out the password to the Fat Lady, throwing myself through the portrait hole and up into the safety of my bed, feeling as though I'll never stop hurting.
I clutch my pillow tightly and cry into it, muffling my sobs. "All a lie…it was all a lie..."
TBC
Wai! *dusts off her angst fairy wand* Well, that turned out better than I thought it would. Comments? Death threats?
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