In Too Deep: Aftermath

In Too Deep: Aftermath

I don't know how long I've lain here. Soon it'll be time for breakfast, and I'll have to get up and face the world. My heart lurches again as I return again and again to those words "it's over." How could I do this? How could I go on without him?

"Severus," I whisper into my pillow, now thoroughly soaked with tears.

An hour or so later, the anger kicked in, followed by the depression. I hate him. God, I hate him. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him. No, kill him. I bury my face in the pillow as I start to cry again. I can't deal with this. I'll see him at breakfast, I know I will, and everything he said, everything that's happened will come back. Something inside me snaps at that point, and everything goes numb. It's a nice feeling, I realize, and I sit up, still hugging my pillow. Maybe I can do this after all. Live without him, that is.

I look up, startled, as Ron tugs my curtains aside.

"Har-God, what happened to you!? You look like hell!" His startled exclamation makes the numb feeling go away and I try not to start crying again.

"Nothing. I…I had a nightmare." The lie comes easily. No use telling my best friend that the teacher he still, no we still hate the most just broke my heart.

He gives me a look that says he doesn't believe me, but for once, he doesn't pry. "Well…you're going to be late to breakfast if you don't hurry up."

Gratefully, I climb out of bed, going about the daily routine numbly, only half aware of what I'm doing. It's not until Ron stops me and takes my shoes away that I realize I nearly put them on the wrong feet.

"What's wrong, Harry? I've never seen you like this before." He looks worried. Not that I can blame him. Apparently, my brain has forgotten how to do so many simple things.

I smile at him, and he flinches. Must not have been a very good smile then. But I can't answer that question. I really can't. And of course he hasn't seen me like this before. I'd never been betrayed like this. Hurt like this. Never been in love, not really. So, "it's nothing," I say.

He sighs, and steers me towards the door. "C'mon, then. But tell me sometime, would you, Harry?"

I nod absently, letting him steer me towards the Great Hall as my mind wanders. Did he really mean that it was over? Did he really mean for it to end like this? Or is he hurting too? Then I recall the look on his face, that sneer, and I shake my head a little. No, he's not hurting. It didn't mean a thing to him. I was just his little toy. Just something to be used and thrown away. The thought makes a bitter rush of anger flow through me, and I pull away from Ron, moving on my own now. That's right. I'm nothing to him. Nothing.

***

I look up from my plate as he enters the hall, and the sight of him makes me flinch inwardly. He looks awful, eyes dark and puffy from crying, his face pale. Evidently I misjudged how much it meant to him. Odd that he should care for me so much. I sip at my juice, trying to eat around the lump of guilt that's settled in my stomach. It was the right thing, I tell myself over and over again. It never should have happened in the first place. Better break it off now than get us both kicked out of Hogwarts.

I glance down at the table where he's sitting and notice that he's not eating, just playing with the food that his friends keep plying him with. He's currently shredding a roll absently, as if totally unaware of what he's doing. It was the right thing, I tell myself yet again. Really, it was. He'll get over it, he's young. He'll find someone else. Someone better.

I feel a surge of jealousy at the thought of anyone else having him, kissing him, claiming him as their own. He's mine. But he's not. I let him go. It was really for the best. Besides, it's what I wanted. I wanted this, to see him hurt. Wanted to know that it would drive James crazy to see him like this.

Abruptly I stand and stalk out of the hall, unable to stand it any longer. I feel his gaze on me as I go, and hunch my shoulders, seeking the safety of my dungeons.

***

He's leaving. He can't even stand to be in the same room as me. I realize that I've been shredding a piece of bread between my hands when I run out of bits to rip. Clenching my hands in my lap, I look down at my plate, ignoring the worried looks I'm getting from all around me. I feel the tears building again and I stand abruptly, almost running from the hall. I can't do this. I can't…live.

I find myself in the dungeons and freeze, not wanting to run into him. Memories are all around me, memories of his skin against mine, his lips tracing lines of fire down my body and I shiver, confused and hurt. Wanting him. Wrapping my arms around myself, I curl up in a corner, not caring anymore if someone comes back, just huddled in a little ball of misery, trying, but unable to erase the memories of him from my mind.

TBC

Yes. Well, five parts now. Oi, I like writing this better than trying to memorize kanji. I suppose that's a bad thing. ^^;; Oh well! Hope you like it.

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