Title: The Cordelia Diaries: Frustration

Author: Cassandra Mulder

E-mail: cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com

Rating: PG

Classifications: Diary entry, Cordy POV, Cordy/Angel

Spoilers: Nothing specific, if at all. I just throw random facts around.

Written: August 30 - September 4, 2001

Distribution: You can have it if you want it, but you gotta ask me first!

Disclaimer: "Angel" the series belongs to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy Productions (grr...argh), and 20th Century Fox. Do enough people own this show? Are they willing to give me Angel? Er... Anyway, I'm just having a bit of fun, and they aren't mine.

Author's Notes: Cordelia's back! hehe I really enjoyed writing the first one, because so many people told me it sounded like Cordy. Things are about to get more serious though, then we're heading straight to Angstville eventually. So, I hope you enjoy this part, and I hope there's more to come. The Muses are here to stay... for now at least. ;)

Big thanks to Suzi for the beta on this! :)
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I know I was acting freaky around the office today. I just know I was. I was jumpy and I was jittery, and just plain out of my head. Angel must've asked me two dozen times what was wrong, but I just said, "Nothing. Girl stuff."

PMS has never made me act this way. Ever.

So, basically, Miss Tactless, Miss Blunt, is not going to just blurt something out for once. Not this, not ever.

I've thought this over, I really have. And I figure that even if he felt the same way, it would just make both of us miserable knowing. I mean, what would we do? What *could* we do? He gets happy, he flips his lid, and who wants an unhappy relationship? We've been through all of this with Buffy. I never want to see Angelus again. I don't want to end up dead because I was stupid enough to fall in love with a vampire.

Really, how many times did I snipe at Buffy about doing the same thing? Was I jealous even then? I don't think so. The point is I am now doing something that I totally chewed her out for. Who's the nut now?

Obviously I have more questions than answers. This sucks!

I've already messed me up, but I can't do this to Angel. God, he has enough to feel guilty about already without me telling him I love him. He's had enough heartbreak without having to tell me he doesn't feel the same way, or worse yet, he does and there's nothing we can do. Either way he's going to have something to brood about. I don't want to be responsible for adding to that list.

How could I have let this happen? We're family, that's all it's supposed to be. I don't have any family or friends outside of Angel Investigations anymore, so I have no one to talk to about this. Oh, Dennis has heard all about it, but he can't give me any advice. I'm babbling to a ghost late at night, for crying out loud!

sigh

How am I going to keep looking into those puppy dog brown eyes and act normally? What happens the day I finally completely betray myself?

Again, I'm really good at asking questions, but I suck at answering them.

He doesn't deserve this. He's working his way to redemption, and right now, that's all he needs to focus on. Not me and the way I feel about him. I could probably tell Wesley and he wouldn't completely freak, but I know he'd open his big British mouth, then where am I going to be? Running to the other end of the country, more than likely. If not out of the country. Angel couldn't follow me, he needs to stay here and help people. But knowing him, he would, no matter what, and he doesn't need that kink in his life. Besides, I'm his Seer, and how is he going to help people without one of those?

Frankly, the faster he Shanshus, the faster I could work this out. But we could still be talking years here. Or longer. Like, way longer.

Crap.

Might as well admit it, there is no easy out on this one.

End