So you wish to try to solve our mystery? I asked.
If I may be allowed to try.
I don't know why we shouldn't- the announcement did say anyone would try. But tell me, I proceeded, I don't know why I asked this- I had been raised to have better manners, it is obvious from the look of you that you are no noble. If you were to succeed, would you wish to marry one of us?
He flinched, a little, at that- not much, but I, who was watching, could see. Am I so frightful to you, then?
And, try as hard as I could, I could not answer yes to that. He was not frightful- only very cold and wet. And for the first time in almost five years, I could feel the shadow of my blankness recede a little. It was strange- I almost gasped, at the unexpected lightness I felt suddenly. I didn't know what to do with myself. I had lived so long with this weight of the secrecy pressed upon me. He looked directly at me (no courtier would ever dare do this, even had I been free), and another pound or so of weight flew away. I was light, and free- a sensation I had not felt for so long. Then suddenly he glanced down and the weight plummeted back. It was a shock, to be sure. Hurriedly, I spoke.
I mean no disrepect, sir. I am sorry.
No, no, it's all right. It's just that I had not thought so far ahead... you see, I was on the end of my rope before coming here. This was something I could do, and so I came to try. And I could tell he spoke the truth. He was the first not to come with marriage foremost in his mind. He almost seemed scared of the thought.
My father came in then, thankfully. I had run out of things to say. I went to our room, where all my sisters were. Poor girls- this was being hard on them too, especially Nathie. I hadn't heard her laugh in months, not even that hard, bronze thing that passed for a laugh now. She was 17 now- missing the best years of her life because of this curse! The respite the soldier's eyes had given me remained... and for the first time in months I felt for my sisters, for their lost childhood and girlhood. It was too cruel.
The banquet we always held the first night was again not a success. I don't know why we continued having them- every single one had been a failure, all of the girls sitting silent, staring down the soup and meats, the young man trying to make conversation, and my father glancing around the table, pleading with his eyes. And so, once again, the banquet was less than successful. At least the soldier had the sense not to try and make unnecessary conversation. I realized, about halfway through the meal, that I still didn't know his name.
He glanced over at me during dessert, which none of us was touching, and suddenly, again, the weight of my secret lifted off of me. And I found I could speak. Quietly, I asked,
I'm sorry I was rude today- and I just realized I never inquired your name. What is it?
He looked slightly startled. You weren't rude.... my name is Jonathan.
Thank you, Jonathan. I smiled, then he turned to speak to my father, and the weight returned. I felt like I was suffocating under tons of fog... but how could you suffocate from fog? I was wandering in circles again....
I looked around the table. Nothing. None of my sisters seemed to feel the loss of the weight of the secret when Jonathan's eyes glanced over them. Yet when he looked over at me I felt as though I could walk on air.
What's wrong with me? I asked myself furiously. How can a person you just met make you seem to fly??? I was scared to answer that. I was simply grateful for the space and lightness he had given me.
After the banquet, we returned to our room and changed. Soon Jonathan came in, his grey eyes taking in everything, with a soldier's ease. I was sure that if I were to ask him the fastest way to get out, he could have told me, after looking at the room for thirty seconds.
Good evening, ladies, he said with a slight bow. He was wearing this fine red cape my father had lent him. I hope I'm not intruding..... but I didn't really have much choice. Blank, stares were all he received. I wished suddenly that I could smile, but I was afraid I'd forgotten how.
I again found the wine at my elbow, and came to offer it to him. As with all the other young men, I wished I could throw the goblet to the floor, but I couldn't.
Would you like some spiced wine before going to bed?
Why, thank you. I turned away as he accepted it, wishing so hard that he hadn't taken it. Soon, just like everyone else, he started yawning and stumbled off to bed, another casualty of the wine, just like everyone else. I felt numb, and upset. Somehow, the way he'd looked at me forthrightly and not like I was some prize had given me some hope that maybe he would be immune to the spell. My sensible self knew it was crazy, but I couldn't help but hope.
The dresses appeared, like normal, and we went down into the underworld, like normal. Another normal evening. Only 6 months more of it. I was really depressed this evening.
However, about halfway through the gold and silver trees, a tremendous crack rang out through the woods. I turned, shocked, for no sound besides our quiet footsteps and the rustle of silk ever disturbed these woods (how could I live in a silent wood?). But I saw nothing; nothing at all.
Don't worry, sisters. Let's go on, I called back, and turning, started again.
About ten minutes later, Nathie shrieked out suddenly, Something stepped on my dress! I hurried to see, and sure enough, the hem was ripped. I was looking around anxiously, to see if there was any sign of life in this previously-though lifeless place, but saw nothing. Nothing at all- but that didn't mean there was nothing there.... I suddenly found the weight of the world being lifted from me, and then suddenly it was back. As if someone had glanced at me quickly..... I turned back quickly. If Jonathan had found a way to stay awake, it was not my duty to stop him either. And, I did not quite admit to myself, I did not want him discovered either. And for more reasons than one.
Don't worry about it Nathie. You must have caught your skirt on something in the path. A complete lie, as she well knew: that path was as smooth as if people had been walking on it for centuries. She looked at me as if she were about to protest, but then the blank look returned.
Let's continue, sisters, or we are going to be late. I turned back and again started walking.
We arrived at the lake about 5 minutes later. I got into my boat, and we set off.
I hope you will enjoy the dancing tonight, Daniel said softly to me. I turned around to avoid answering, and saw Nathie's boat far behind the rest of us, though the rower looked as if he were expending twice the energy of the rest of us. So that's where Jonathan is I though to myself.
I turned back to Daniel. I expect I will. We were silent the rest of the trip. How soon are we going to run out of things to say to each other? I thought again. He can't praise my beauty indefinitely, and besides, I don't want to hear it. We can't even hold a five minute conversation. What am I going to do when we live down here? Ignore him and talk to my sisters, I suppose. It didn't seem very satisfying.
Once we arrived at the pavilion, Daniel swept me into the dance. We twirled and swirled and moved beautifully, perfectly in time to the music, and perfectly suited for each other. But half of my awareness was on the side of the pavilion, searching out for the presence of Jonathan, if I could find it. All night passed, though, and I never noticed him. He could have never come, for all I knew.
Finally, the night was over. We returned (once again, Nathie's boat lagged far behind) with no event and found Jonathan sleeping soundly in our room, snoring slightly. I decided not to worry about it and went to bed.
