CHARMEDED EPISODE 2: I'LL KICK YO WICCAN ASS


Note: OS means Off Screen.

SCENE A - TEASER:

PHOEBE: Hi I'm Phoebe I was told to start a teaser for the show so:

STARTS DOING A STRIPTEASE.

DIRECTOR(OS): Oh my god! Cut! Cut!
PHOEBE: What?
DIRECTOR(OS): Where's your script, that was not what it said.
PHOEBE: My... script?
DIRECTOR(OS): Yes. Where, is, your, script?
PHOEBE: ... my dog-
DIRECTOR(OS): You don't have a dog.
PHOEBE: Umm, Prue... ate it?

THERE IS A LONG PAUSE.

DIRECTOR(OS): Okay. Someone get a new script, and someone get me Prue.

ANOTHER LONG PAUSE, ALL THE TIME PHOEBE LOOKING INTO A POINT BEHIND THE CAMERA WE CAN ASSUME IS THE DIRECTOR.

PRUE(OS): Hi, what's up?
DIRECTOR(OS): Prue, did you eat Phoebe's script?
PRUE(OS): ...no.
PHOEBE: Yes she did! You did Prue! Don't look at me like that!
DIRECTOR(OS): Prue, did you eat the script?
PRUE(OS): ...
PHOEBE: She ate it. She did.
DIRECTOR(OS): Prue, you are a bad, bad girl.
PRUE(OS): But-
DIRECTOR(OS): Bad!

SILENCE.

PHOEBE WALKS UP TO THE CAMERA AND SPINS IT AROUND TO FACE PRUE AND THE DIRECTOR. PRUE'S FACE IS RED AND HER HEAD IS HUNG. THE DIRECTOR IS WAGGING HIS FINGER AT HER.

PHOEBE(OS): Ha ha she got in trouble.
DIRECTOR: I trust you'll make sure this doesn't happen again.
PRUE: Yes, sir.

THE DIRECTOR GETS UP AND LEAVES. PRUE GLARES BEHIND THE CAMERA, ASSUMINGLY AT PHOEBE.

PHOEBE(OS): Come on, Prue. No hard feelings...
PRUE: You got me in trouble.
PHOEBE(OS): You ate my script!
PRUE: What kind of sister are you? You little-
PHOEBE(OS): Prue - no! Help!

PRUE ADVANCES ON PHOEBE, WALKS PAST THE CAMERA.WE HEAR A SLAP, THEN A SCUFFLE. THE CAMERA SHUDDERS AS IF SOMEONE HAS BEEN THROWN AGAINST IT.

OPENING CREDITS.

SCENE B:

PIPER AND PRUE (PAIGE WHO POSSESSED PRUE'S BODY) ARE SITTING WATCHING TV. PHOEBE ENTERS.

PHOEBE: Hey guys.
PIPER: Pheebs.
PRUE: Shut up.
PIPER: Me or her?
PRUE: You god dammit! Halliwell-
PIPER: Why do you keep calling me that? You could be referring to any one of us!

PRUE CONJURES UP A FIREBALL.

PIPER: But we all know it's me... ha ha! I'm quiet now. Look at me shutting up!
PHOEBE: Prue - I mean, Paige. When did you get that power?
PRUE: Had it all my life.
PIPER: No you haven't-
PRUE: Shut!

THERE IS A CRASH FROM THE BASEMENT.

PIPER: That's Paige again.
PRUE: Way to state the obvious, Halliwell. And since you're referring to me as Paige now, call the one downstairs Prue will ya?
PIPER: I might just... go check it out...
PRUE: Yeah. Go on. Get out of here.

PIPER EXITS.

PRUE: I like you better anyway, Phoebe.

*

PIPER SLOWLY OPENS THE BASEMENT DOOR. SHE HEARS HEAVY BREATHING FROM BELOW. WE SEE PRUE ASTRAL PROJECT BEHIND HER. PIPER GASPS.

PRUE: Heads up, Halliwell.

PRUE PUSHES PIPER DOWN THE STAIRS AND LOCKS THE DOOR. PIPER ROLLS OVER AND LANDS AT PAIGE'S FEET.

PIPER: Ahh! Paige!
PAIGE: Oh please, like I'd ever wear clothes like hers.

PIPER LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN. AS DOES PAIGE, HERSELF. SHE YELPS.

PAIGE: Oh my god look at me I can't see my cleavage!
PIPER: Prue?
PAIGE: How did you guess?
PIPER: Umm... what are you doing in Paige's body
PAIGE: Ah she switched.
PIPER: Okay. So now I'm locked down here with Paige AND Prue. I don't know which is worst.
PAIGE: I know exactly what you mean. Wait a minute, no I don't!
PIPER: So if you have her body, does that not mean you have her powers?
PAIGE: Which are?
PIPER: Geez there's so many I can't remember them all... the only one I do recollect is...
PAIGE: Well?
PIPER: Well, Flower Arranging.

PAUSE.

PAIGE: Really she can do that? Wow!
PIPER: What?
PAIGE: Okay I'm gonna astral project up there and give her what for!
PIPER: Okay!

PAIGE'S BODY GOES LIMP AS SHE ASTRAL PROJECTS.

PIPER: Yup I definitely see the attraction of kicking her butt while she's gone like that...

TIME LAPSE. PIPER DELIVERS ANOTHER BLOW TO PAIGE, WHO IS ON THE FLOOR, STILL ASTRALLED OUT. PIPER WIPES HER BROW, A SMARMY SMIRK ON HER LIPS.

PIPER: Oh yes.

PAIGE ASTRALS BACK IN.

PAIGE: Oh my god ow! Halliwell - did you do this to me?
PIPER: Paige?
PAIGE: What?
PIPER: Okay then... I hear the door being unlocked. See ya!

PIPER RUNS UP THE STAIRS, EXITS.

PAIGE: Hey Halliwell! Get your butt back down here! Come on! Halliwell? Halliwell!

SLIENCE.

PAIGE: Piper?

*

BLACK.

PRUE(OS): So I said "Yo - Paigeboy! Gimme back my body or I'll give you what for" and she handed it back over, whimpering like a kid!

LAUGHTER.

FADE IN: THE THREE ORIGIONAL HALLIWELLS ARE SEATED AT A TABLE, WITH LEO AND COLE. BUCKLANDS GUY IS ALSO THERE, FOR A MAN FOR PRUE. (JACK WASN'T HIS NAME? I PREFER BUCKLANDS GUY, SO WE'LL CALL HIM BUCKO FOR SHORT)

PRUE: And that's the story!
PIPER: More wine, anyone?
LEO: Yeah, thanks.
PIPER: Wow that's your eighth glass-
PHOEBE: Bottle, actually.
LEO: Since when did you keep tabs?
PHOEBE: Since I got into trouble with the ominous Them for being an alcoholic, I'll have you know.
COLE: Phoebe, you didn't tell me this.
BUCKO: I was an alcoholic once. Yeah. I remember what it was like.

PAUSE.

PRUE: Well Bucklands Guy? What was it like?
BUCKO: Ah, yah know. I drank a lot.

PAUSE. EVERYONE LAUGHS.

PIPER: (aside, to Cole) Why am I laughing this isn't funny!
COLE: (aside, to Piper) Same question!
PRUE: What are you two whispering about?
LEO: Can I have more wine?
PIPER/COLE: Nothing.
PRUE: If you're wondering why you're finding Bucklands Guy's awful jokes funny, it's cos I cast a spell on you guys. Happy?
LEO: What about the consequ-
PIPER: Honey? Put a sock in it. You don't normally mind when I use magic when we're doing you-know-what.
LEO: What? Since when did you use magic for that?
PIPER: You know... how else do you think I developed my freezing power so quickly and began to be able to freeze only certain parts of things?
PHOEBE: Okay ew. Enough. (aside, to Prue) I want that power.
PIPER: How else can you go for twenty minutes straight?
COLE: Twenty minutes? Wow! That's like... the marathon for-
PRUE: Okay guys, okay. We're eating here.
BUCKO: Can I ask something? Prue, I haven't seen you for something like two years. How am I suddenly back at your house and completely comfortable with the fact that you're an extract from the Salem Chronicles?
PIPER: You what?
BUCKO: A witch. It was a joke.
PIPER: Oh.

ALL LAUGH.

PIPER: (aside, to Cole) This is getting too much.
COLE: (aside, to Piper) Please let me kill him, please.
PRUE: Anyway, yah, well. I cast a little spell there too. Not only did I have to make everyone like you, but foremost I had to make you like me.
BUCKO: Oh. That should disturb me, but it doesn't.
PRUE: Isn't magic great?
LEO: I'll drink to that!
PHOEBE: Yeah happy Christmas everyone!

SILENCE. ALL LOOK AT PHOEBE.

PHOEBE: Oh crap. It's July isn't it?

PAUSE.

PIPER: No, it is Christmas, but we agreed that Bucklands Guy would be the first to say that.
PRUE: Right on, sister.
PIPER: (aside, to Cole) When did we agree that?
COLE: (aside, to Piper) I don't know, but I have a good idea of someone who might've 'cast a little spell'.
PRUE: What are you lookin at?
PHOEBE: Okay. I'm goin to bed. Cole, sweetie, you comin?
COLE: Nah I think I'll stay down with Piper for a while.
PHOEBE: What??? Uh, I mean, okay, sure.
LEO: Piper, you coming to bed?
PIPER: Were you even listening to Cole?

PHOEBE AND LEO EXIT.

PRUE: Bucklands Guy? Guess what else I cast a spell for...?
BUCKO: I'm sorry, you may be the strongest witch this side of the galaxy, but you can not charm me into bed with you. Nothing is that powerful.
PRUE: I know, so:

PRUE SMASHES BUCKLANDS GUY OVER THE HEAD WITH A VASE.

PRUE: Night guys.
PIPER: Night.
COLE: Good luck.

PRUE EXITS DRAGGING BUCKLANDS GUY.

COLE: So.
PIPER: So.
COLE: Guess it's just you and me.
PIPER: Guess so.


END SCENE.

VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen? Will Piper and Cole hit it off? Will Phoebe and Leo ever forgive their significant others? Will Bucklands Guy ever see the light? And will Prue realise that she has just eaten olive skin extracts, which she is allergic to. Next time on Charmeded:

PIPER: Phoebe, look, I'm sorry he meant nothing to me!

PHOEBE SLAPS PIPER ONE.

*

PIPER: Leo, look, I'm sorry he meant nothing to me!

LEO SLAPS PIPER ONE.

*

PIPER: Prue, look, I'm sorry... wait why am I apologising to you?

PRUE SLAPS PIPER ONE.

*

AS CREDITS ROLL:

VOICE OVER LADY: That looks to be an action packed episode three of Charmeded, the show that's almost Charmed but not quite. Now with even more Shannen Doherty! I'm not sure if that's a good thing. See you next time!