CHARMEDED EPISODE 3: WHO'S THAT SQUIRREL?
SCENE A: RECAP.
PIPER: Yo I'm Piper. Hi. Umm... so. Okay. Right, umm, right, well, last time on Charmeded, me and Cole got quite close and, well I guess that was bad, since I'm all married and stuff. But he's in the clear, it's not like Phoebe can touch him, I mean, look at her! Sorry, you know who Phoebe is, right? The darkish blonde with the awful singing voice? Wait, I'll go get a photo.
PIPER EXITS. LONG PAUSE. WE CAN HERE HER TALKING TO SOMEONE OFF CAMERA (OS)
PIPER(OS): Hey sweetie!
PRUE(OS): What do you want?
PIPER(OS): Did I say I wanted... ah hell okay. You got a photo of Phoebe?
PRUE(OS): Well, actually... I, well, I ate it.
PIPER(OS): Prue!
PRUE(OS): I know, I know. Gimme a break alright?
PIPER(OS): Oh look here's one!
PRUE(OS): Why was it on the floor?
PIPER(OS): Dunno, but check her out! Has someone done voodoo on this?
PRUE(OS): innocently I don't know.
PIPER(OS): Prue?
PRUE(OS): Wasn't me - promise.
PIPER REAPPEARS AND HOLDS UP A TORN, MUTILATED PHOTO OF PHOEBE.
PIPER: Hi again. This is Phoebe. I found this photo on the floor just a minute ago. Actually, Prue's just over there if you wanna see her?
THE CAMERA SHAKES FROM SIDE TO SIDE.
PIPER: Fair enough. I completely understand. I wouldn't wanna either.
PRUE(OS): Piper!
PIPER: Uh... gotta go!
PIPER RUNS AWAY. SECONDS LATER, PRUE RUNS PAST THE CAMERA AFTER HER.
PIPER(OS): No, Prue, it wasn't me I swear!
WE HEAR A CRASH. THE CAMERA ZOOMS DOWN ON THE PHOTO OF PHOEBE ON THE FLOOR.
PIPER(OS): Owwww.
OPENING CREDITS.
SCENE B:
PHOEBE IS ALONE IN THE KITCHEN, AND PRESSES ON THE TOASTER. SHE SINGS TO HERSELF AS SHE WORKS.
PHOEBE: Everybody wants to get a hold of me, suck my blood away. They're all out to ruin my cred-a-bil-i-ty, the value is me boy!
THE TOASTER SPRINGS UP AND PHOEBE RETRIEVES HER POP TARTS FROM IT. LEO ENTERS AND STANDS BEHIND HER. NOT NOTICING, SHE PUTS THEM ON THE TABLE. WHILE HER BACK IS TURNED, LEO GRABS THE POP TARTS AND ORBS OUT SNIGGERING. PHOEBE TURNS AROUND HUMMING THEN STOPS:
PHOEBE: And you went where? Hello? Pop tarts?
PRUE ENTERS.
PHOEBE: Here little sugary treats with yummy jam and icing!
PRUE: Phoebe, talking to them won't get them cooked. I thought I taught you how to use the toaster.
PHOEBE: I guess I forgot. I thought I made them, but...
PRUE: It's alright, baby, it's alright. singing Tired of all the violence, we've lost lives enough...
PRUE BLINKS.
PRUE: Okay, where did that come from?
PIPER ENTERS.
PHOEBE: You know what I'm tired of? All the nudity - so much sex and without love.
PIPER: You are not!
PRUE: Piper, what are you tired of?
PIPER: Oh, not this song again!
PAUSE. PRUE AND PHOEBE WATCH PIPER EXPECTANTELY.
PIPER: non-commitedly All the smokers blowing smoke in my face.
PIPER EXITS.
PRUE: Song? What's she talking about?
PHOEBE: I'm tired of the same old boring models decorating every fashion page.
PRUE: That's just cos they rejected your portfolio thirty-seven times!
PHOEBE: And what does that say for you? You took my photo.
PIPER ENTERS, GETTING A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE.
PRUE: Hey - don't blame my camera skills! Sometimes it's impossible to make a subject beautiful, no matter how camera-nerdy your lens and equipment is.
PHOEBE: I'm sure I'd be insulted... if I understood what you'd just said.
PRUE: It's because of my superior intellect that I can mindfully aggravate you.
PHOEBE: You what?
PIPER: (sighs) Phoebe! First she called you ugly then she called you dumb.
PIPER EXITS. PAUSE.
PHOEBE: Sheesh it's like you guys are talking in a different language! What was she all about?
PRUE: Piper? Who knows?
LEO ENTERS, EATING A POP TART.
LEO: Hey girls.
PHOEBE: Hey where'd you get that from?
LEO STUFFS THE REST INTO HIS MOUTH.
LEO: mumbled Get what from?
PHOEBE: The pop tart?
LEO: What's a pop tart?
PHOEBE: Don't play dumb with me. I'm onto you.
LEO: Have you guys seen Piper? She didn't come to bed last night.
PHOEBE: That's funny, neither did Cole...
PRUE: Neither did Bucklands Guy...
THEY LOOK AT PRUE.
PRUE: What, I can dream, can't I?
PHOEBE: Leo... do you think they... last night?
LEO: No. Piper wouldn't... or would she?
PHOEBE: And Cole wouldn't... hell, who am I kidding he's an evil demon guy of course he would.
PRUE: And it's only you, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Oh my god exactly! Leo, we gotta confront them.
LEO AND PHOEBE EXIT. PRUE STARES AFTER THEM WISTFULLY. SHE THEN STOPS LOOKING WISTFUL.
PRUE: Well, there's no point in looking wistfully if you don't know how or what wistful is.
SHE RETURNS TO LOOKING WISTFUL.
PRUE: What? So when I look like this:
SHE PUTS ON A WISTFUL EXPRESSION.
PRUE: That's wistful? Hell that's easy I do that all the time!
PRUE WISTFULLY SITS DOWN AND GAZES WISTFULLY AT THE WALL.
PRUE: The word 'wistful' now means nothing to me. Really. What is wist?
SHE LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA.
PRUE: Hello? Answer me? You still there?
THE CAMERA TURNS AND BEGINS TO RUN AWAY
PRUE(OS): Yo hey come back! Where're you going? I'm not letting you get aw-ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! My leg! Who put that tripwire there?
WE HEAR THE UNMISTAKABLE SOUND OF COLE HIDING IN A CUPBOARD SNICKERING.
*
LEO AND PHOEBE ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM, PHOEBE IS ON HER LAPTOP.
LEO: Well, what's it say?
PHOEBE: According to this Vault of Demonology page, this demon is... bad.
LEO: Yes, Phoebe, I know. But what're its powers, strengths and weaknesses? I asked you to go online to research for a reason.
PHOEBE: I'm coming to that!
SHE CLICKS FOR A FEW SECONDS.
PHOEBE: Yes!!! I mean, okay. It's evil, and it likes... to kill people.
LEO: Well done. Now say something I haven't just told you.
PHOEBE: It's afraid of...
LEO: Yes?
PAUSE. PHOEBE SQUINTS AT THE SCREEN, SEARCHING.
LEO: Want me to get your glasses?
PHOEBE: No I'll get fired faster than you can say 'Prue sucks' if I wear those things.
LEO: Okay. Can you read out what it says about what it's afraid of?
PIPER ENTERS AND LOOKS OVER PHOEBE'S SHOULDER.
PIPER: Jack on Queen.
PHOEBE CLICKS ON THE COMPUTER.
PIPER: Five on Six.
PHOEBE: Where?
PIPER: There.
PIPER POINTS IT OUT ON THE SCREEN.
PHOEBE: Cool, thanks.
LEO: Hey you're playing Solitaire!
PHOEBE: Piper, we wanna talk to you.
PIPER: Okay.
LEO: About Cole.
PIPER: Okay I gotta go!
PHOEBE: Not so fast, Missy!
PHOEBE GESTURES LIKE SHE IS THROWING A FRISBEE.
PIPER: What...?
PHOEBE: Oh yeah it's Prue that has telekinesis.
PIPER: deadpan Uh yeah.
PIPER STARTS TO LEAVE.
PHOEBE: But Piper you have to talk to us!
PIPER: I really gotta hit the bathroom.
LEO: Please! Don't say hit!
THEY LOOK AT LEO.
PHOEBE: Piper - don't go or else!
PIPER: Or else what?
PHOEBE: Else I'll... premonition you to death!
PIPER: Is that possible?
PHOEBE SAYS NOTHING BUT WATCHES PIPER WITH A MENACING LOOK IN HER EYES. IS SHE BLUFFING? PIPER SLOWLY AND AWKWARDLY SITS BACK DOWN.
PIPER: Okay guys... please don't be mad.
LEO: Piper, just tell us what happened. Please.
PIPER: Okay. We - as in, Cole and me - we did it.
PHOEBE: What? When? Where?
PIPER: Last night, after you'd gone to bed. On the kitchen table.
LEO: Ew I stole pop tarts off that!
PHOEBE: Leo! So I do know how to work the toaster... Piper! How could you?
PIPER: It meant nothing - I swear! He won anyway.
LEO: Now you're sharing our games with him?
PIPER: It's a family thing!
PHOEBE: Ew gross!
PIPER: What? We played scrabble!
LONG HARD SILENCE.
PHOEBE/LEO: WHAT? That's even worse!
PIPER: How? Look, I'm really sorry, but I had all the vowels! And 's' and 't'! I couldn't afford to leave it like that!
PHOEBE: Next you'll be saying you listened to 'Alyssa' together.
LEO: Ah, remember when we listened to 'Alyssa'? That was funny.
PHOEBE: Hey that is a top-quality lyrically genius..y CD.
PIPER: Lyrically retarded you mean.
PHOEBE: Just cos you like Meatloaf Leo!
LEO: ... what's wrong with that?
PIPER: Ew Leo! You're sleeping on the couch!
LEO: I'm hungry. What's to eat?
*
VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen? Will Piper and Cole elope to the chess club? Will Leo get something to eat? What happened to Paige and will anyone ever notice that Prue is lying in the next room unconscious? Tune in next time for:
PREVIEW:
PHOEBE: I wanna learn an instrument. I'm thinking Kazoo.
*
PIPER: Oh my god there's something on my leg! Kill it! Kill it!
COLE: It's your cat.
PIPER: Really? Well would you look at that?
*
PHOEBE: I'm quitting the goddamn Kazoo! It's way too challenging! I hate it I hate it!
STOMPS ON KAZOO, WHICH SCOOTS OUT FROM UNDER HER FOOT AND HITS PRUE IN THE EYE.
PRUE: OWie! I can't see!!
*
VOICE OVER LADY: And that's all next time on Charmeded: the show that's almost Charmed but not quite!
ROLL CREDITS.
*
ARTICLES ABOUT CHARMEDED FROM MAGAZINES:
Here are some of the clippings I have kept from various magazines on Charmeded. Read them over and see what you think! Not all are positive, and some are just pointless, but I didn't make them, or the magazines up. Ahem.
SKANKY WOMEN WEEKLY
Charmeded is the word on everybody's lips and the show on everybody's television sets. Starring three beaut... youn... three women with two male co-stars and a cat, this sci-fi series is all about witchcraft and demons. Much like the WB's Charmed, but as Charmeded's slogan suggests, it's almost Charmed but not quite. What a show! And if you don't find your mouth watering over the hunky male stars, there's a whole selection of sexy scale and horn-clad demons to take your pick from.
DYSENTERY DOHERTY
Shannen's done it again with her hit series Charmeded. After allegedly being sacked from her previous TV show, Charmed, Doherty vowed to get her own back on show producer, Aaron Spelling. This show involves the same actors, characters and plot as the 'less-good' Charmed, and delivers it all with a refreshing twist of wit and decent acting. Three thumbs up!
THE WB MAGAZINE
So, this is what other competing stations have been reduced to: ripping off WB shows and attempting to win in the ratings stakes. Well, suffice to say Mr Spelling is not best pleased, and is currently on holiday in Iowa.
But when he comes back he will deal very harshly with the deemed popular 'Charmeded' and this reporter thinks that is a threat to be wary of. Yes, that's right, the show is called 'Charmeded' and the familiar catchy slogan is 'the show that's almost Charmed, but not quite'. I have yet to see the distasteful show, as it is, of course, on an inferior channel and network. The WB has released this statement: "We are not in the slightest concerned about Charmeded, because in most cases, the origional always comes out tops. Which, of course, is our very own home bred Charmed. Aaron Spelling will be having words with his cast which incidentally, also star on Charmeded, and will hopefully convince them that 'the WB is the place to be'!" Well, here's hoping.
REAL TV
At the moment, everyone seems to have gone AWOL over new series Charmeded, a supernatural show with a, once unthinkable, popular view on witchcraft. REAL TV has set up an interview with one of the stars, Brain Krause, which will be featured alongside our Charmeded poster-boy special in a few weeks time.
CHARMED QUARTERLY
New sci-fi series, Charmeded is set to beat Charmed in cases of ratings, but the makers of Charmed are positive that their actors will not be making the move to shoot one show only, and will continue to star in both series' (excepting, of course, Shannen Doherty who was fired, contrary to whatever that little ***** says) Which must be quite a strain on all of the actors, with their filming time for the next few years being completely booked up, forcing them to work round the clock to manage both series'. On being asked what it was like with such a hectic schedule, Holly Marie Combs replied with "Get out of my way ****head, I'm late!". Aww, bless her little cotton socks!
ALYSSA MILANO MAGAZINE FOR GIRLS
We are sorry to say this is the last of the AMMFG magazines, because we have sold, out of a total of five months (10 magazines) a grand total of: 42 magazines. And we print hundreds of each one. Alyssa Milano said on this topic "My magazine is closing down? Oh man! Well, to tell you the truth, even I stay well away from it. Watch Charmeded. And Charmed!" before rushing off. Yes, Charmeded, the show that's almost Charmed but not quite. We here at AMMFG are avid viewers of it, and for some reason not just because our adorable Milano stars. The combination of good acting, good actors, good looking, good plots, good special effects, with everything, on average, good, the show is both addictive and enjoyable. We'd write more, but valuable typing space is runnin-
CHARMEDED MAGAZINE
Editor's Column
Hi there everyone! Well, its the beginning of a new kind of television viewing. A new kind of viewing, which my show Charmeded will hopefully be recognised as the turning point. I enjoy working on the show very much, although I am told to stay clear from directing it! It's nice to work with Combs again, although I can't say much for Milano. Anyway! I was asked if I would frontline and start the magazine, and I'm thinking of offering everybody their own columns, so you can get the news straight from us, the stars, and not some stupid E! Magazine. Well, I have to go rehearse! Enjoy the magazine and I'll see you in Charmeded!
Love, Shannen
EDITOR
C! MAGAZINE
What an insult to the experienced television viewers in this world (ie, everyone who has a tv) Those jokers at the television studios have once again unleashed a wave of brutal plotlines, uneven camera work, scatty lines and even scattier actors (Alyssa Milano? I ask you!) The only thing which saves it from being a complete failure is the delightfully tolerable Holly Marie Combs, with her often fantastical wit and pretty face, she keeps the show on it's feet with hilarious one-liners even when there's nothing to joke about. If, however doubtful it is, you re not a fan of Combs, C! advises you to stay well clear of this monstrosity. Plotlines are dull to flat out sleep-inducing, making the phrase 'seen one, seen all' come to mind. Often. Really, a failure of a show and whoever thought of it should be castrated. 0 out of 10. Well, maybe 0.5 for the effort of Combs.
VIEW ASKEW COMICS
Kevin Smith asked us several times to review a new show, Charmeded as a thank you to his twice hired actress, Shannen Doherty. Ah yes, who remembers Mallrats? With the wonderfully wicked Doherty as Rene, the star drum player and 'course' girlfriend of our very own Jason Lee! And her upcoming appearance in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, how could we not write? On watching the show, we found it as addictive as the Powerpuff Girls (and you Powerpuff fans know what we're talking about) with many opportunities to have an appreciative giggle. Also we found references to Mallrats, and obvious Chasing Amy lines, which is always a plus in any type of media, and which were of course very well received and made us smile more than once. Overall, this is a very nice effort from the makers, and we recommend it to any fans of Doherty, Holly Marie Combs, and the beautifully formed Alyssa Milano. And anyone else. Snoogins.
REAL TV
As mentioned a few weeks ago, it turns out Brain Krause is not available for our interview. We apologise for any inconveinience and hurt feelings. Still, we still have our Charmeded Poster Boy special coming up soon.
NB: Any likeness to real magazines is either, well meant to be or sheer coincidence. These are NOT real articles, Charmeded is NOT a real show. Like you needed told.
If you have 'found' an 'article' you'd like to 'submit' from a 'magazine' into the next reviews page, please email them to me at kaytee83@hotmail.com and I will compile them into another page, no matter how harsh or... nice they are. Name the magazine you are 'reporting' for, and, if you like, the 'reporter's name'.
Could I use 'inverted commas' any more?
kt
SCENE A: RECAP.
PIPER: Yo I'm Piper. Hi. Umm... so. Okay. Right, umm, right, well, last time on Charmeded, me and Cole got quite close and, well I guess that was bad, since I'm all married and stuff. But he's in the clear, it's not like Phoebe can touch him, I mean, look at her! Sorry, you know who Phoebe is, right? The darkish blonde with the awful singing voice? Wait, I'll go get a photo.
PIPER EXITS. LONG PAUSE. WE CAN HERE HER TALKING TO SOMEONE OFF CAMERA (OS)
PIPER(OS): Hey sweetie!
PRUE(OS): What do you want?
PIPER(OS): Did I say I wanted... ah hell okay. You got a photo of Phoebe?
PRUE(OS): Well, actually... I, well, I ate it.
PIPER(OS): Prue!
PRUE(OS): I know, I know. Gimme a break alright?
PIPER(OS): Oh look here's one!
PRUE(OS): Why was it on the floor?
PIPER(OS): Dunno, but check her out! Has someone done voodoo on this?
PRUE(OS): innocently I don't know.
PIPER(OS): Prue?
PRUE(OS): Wasn't me - promise.
PIPER REAPPEARS AND HOLDS UP A TORN, MUTILATED PHOTO OF PHOEBE.
PIPER: Hi again. This is Phoebe. I found this photo on the floor just a minute ago. Actually, Prue's just over there if you wanna see her?
THE CAMERA SHAKES FROM SIDE TO SIDE.
PIPER: Fair enough. I completely understand. I wouldn't wanna either.
PRUE(OS): Piper!
PIPER: Uh... gotta go!
PIPER RUNS AWAY. SECONDS LATER, PRUE RUNS PAST THE CAMERA AFTER HER.
PIPER(OS): No, Prue, it wasn't me I swear!
WE HEAR A CRASH. THE CAMERA ZOOMS DOWN ON THE PHOTO OF PHOEBE ON THE FLOOR.
PIPER(OS): Owwww.
OPENING CREDITS.
SCENE B:
PHOEBE IS ALONE IN THE KITCHEN, AND PRESSES ON THE TOASTER. SHE SINGS TO HERSELF AS SHE WORKS.
PHOEBE: Everybody wants to get a hold of me, suck my blood away. They're all out to ruin my cred-a-bil-i-ty, the value is me boy!
THE TOASTER SPRINGS UP AND PHOEBE RETRIEVES HER POP TARTS FROM IT. LEO ENTERS AND STANDS BEHIND HER. NOT NOTICING, SHE PUTS THEM ON THE TABLE. WHILE HER BACK IS TURNED, LEO GRABS THE POP TARTS AND ORBS OUT SNIGGERING. PHOEBE TURNS AROUND HUMMING THEN STOPS:
PHOEBE: And you went where? Hello? Pop tarts?
PRUE ENTERS.
PHOEBE: Here little sugary treats with yummy jam and icing!
PRUE: Phoebe, talking to them won't get them cooked. I thought I taught you how to use the toaster.
PHOEBE: I guess I forgot. I thought I made them, but...
PRUE: It's alright, baby, it's alright. singing Tired of all the violence, we've lost lives enough...
PRUE BLINKS.
PRUE: Okay, where did that come from?
PIPER ENTERS.
PHOEBE: You know what I'm tired of? All the nudity - so much sex and without love.
PIPER: You are not!
PRUE: Piper, what are you tired of?
PIPER: Oh, not this song again!
PAUSE. PRUE AND PHOEBE WATCH PIPER EXPECTANTELY.
PIPER: non-commitedly All the smokers blowing smoke in my face.
PIPER EXITS.
PRUE: Song? What's she talking about?
PHOEBE: I'm tired of the same old boring models decorating every fashion page.
PRUE: That's just cos they rejected your portfolio thirty-seven times!
PHOEBE: And what does that say for you? You took my photo.
PIPER ENTERS, GETTING A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE.
PRUE: Hey - don't blame my camera skills! Sometimes it's impossible to make a subject beautiful, no matter how camera-nerdy your lens and equipment is.
PHOEBE: I'm sure I'd be insulted... if I understood what you'd just said.
PRUE: It's because of my superior intellect that I can mindfully aggravate you.
PHOEBE: You what?
PIPER: (sighs) Phoebe! First she called you ugly then she called you dumb.
PIPER EXITS. PAUSE.
PHOEBE: Sheesh it's like you guys are talking in a different language! What was she all about?
PRUE: Piper? Who knows?
LEO ENTERS, EATING A POP TART.
LEO: Hey girls.
PHOEBE: Hey where'd you get that from?
LEO STUFFS THE REST INTO HIS MOUTH.
LEO: mumbled Get what from?
PHOEBE: The pop tart?
LEO: What's a pop tart?
PHOEBE: Don't play dumb with me. I'm onto you.
LEO: Have you guys seen Piper? She didn't come to bed last night.
PHOEBE: That's funny, neither did Cole...
PRUE: Neither did Bucklands Guy...
THEY LOOK AT PRUE.
PRUE: What, I can dream, can't I?
PHOEBE: Leo... do you think they... last night?
LEO: No. Piper wouldn't... or would she?
PHOEBE: And Cole wouldn't... hell, who am I kidding he's an evil demon guy of course he would.
PRUE: And it's only you, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Oh my god exactly! Leo, we gotta confront them.
LEO AND PHOEBE EXIT. PRUE STARES AFTER THEM WISTFULLY. SHE THEN STOPS LOOKING WISTFUL.
PRUE: Well, there's no point in looking wistfully if you don't know how or what wistful is.
SHE RETURNS TO LOOKING WISTFUL.
PRUE: What? So when I look like this:
SHE PUTS ON A WISTFUL EXPRESSION.
PRUE: That's wistful? Hell that's easy I do that all the time!
PRUE WISTFULLY SITS DOWN AND GAZES WISTFULLY AT THE WALL.
PRUE: The word 'wistful' now means nothing to me. Really. What is wist?
SHE LOOKS DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA.
PRUE: Hello? Answer me? You still there?
THE CAMERA TURNS AND BEGINS TO RUN AWAY
PRUE(OS): Yo hey come back! Where're you going? I'm not letting you get aw-ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! My leg! Who put that tripwire there?
WE HEAR THE UNMISTAKABLE SOUND OF COLE HIDING IN A CUPBOARD SNICKERING.
*
LEO AND PHOEBE ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM, PHOEBE IS ON HER LAPTOP.
LEO: Well, what's it say?
PHOEBE: According to this Vault of Demonology page, this demon is... bad.
LEO: Yes, Phoebe, I know. But what're its powers, strengths and weaknesses? I asked you to go online to research for a reason.
PHOEBE: I'm coming to that!
SHE CLICKS FOR A FEW SECONDS.
PHOEBE: Yes!!! I mean, okay. It's evil, and it likes... to kill people.
LEO: Well done. Now say something I haven't just told you.
PHOEBE: It's afraid of...
LEO: Yes?
PAUSE. PHOEBE SQUINTS AT THE SCREEN, SEARCHING.
LEO: Want me to get your glasses?
PHOEBE: No I'll get fired faster than you can say 'Prue sucks' if I wear those things.
LEO: Okay. Can you read out what it says about what it's afraid of?
PIPER ENTERS AND LOOKS OVER PHOEBE'S SHOULDER.
PIPER: Jack on Queen.
PHOEBE CLICKS ON THE COMPUTER.
PIPER: Five on Six.
PHOEBE: Where?
PIPER: There.
PIPER POINTS IT OUT ON THE SCREEN.
PHOEBE: Cool, thanks.
LEO: Hey you're playing Solitaire!
PHOEBE: Piper, we wanna talk to you.
PIPER: Okay.
LEO: About Cole.
PIPER: Okay I gotta go!
PHOEBE: Not so fast, Missy!
PHOEBE GESTURES LIKE SHE IS THROWING A FRISBEE.
PIPER: What...?
PHOEBE: Oh yeah it's Prue that has telekinesis.
PIPER: deadpan Uh yeah.
PIPER STARTS TO LEAVE.
PHOEBE: But Piper you have to talk to us!
PIPER: I really gotta hit the bathroom.
LEO: Please! Don't say hit!
THEY LOOK AT LEO.
PHOEBE: Piper - don't go or else!
PIPER: Or else what?
PHOEBE: Else I'll... premonition you to death!
PIPER: Is that possible?
PHOEBE SAYS NOTHING BUT WATCHES PIPER WITH A MENACING LOOK IN HER EYES. IS SHE BLUFFING? PIPER SLOWLY AND AWKWARDLY SITS BACK DOWN.
PIPER: Okay guys... please don't be mad.
LEO: Piper, just tell us what happened. Please.
PIPER: Okay. We - as in, Cole and me - we did it.
PHOEBE: What? When? Where?
PIPER: Last night, after you'd gone to bed. On the kitchen table.
LEO: Ew I stole pop tarts off that!
PHOEBE: Leo! So I do know how to work the toaster... Piper! How could you?
PIPER: It meant nothing - I swear! He won anyway.
LEO: Now you're sharing our games with him?
PIPER: It's a family thing!
PHOEBE: Ew gross!
PIPER: What? We played scrabble!
LONG HARD SILENCE.
PHOEBE/LEO: WHAT? That's even worse!
PIPER: How? Look, I'm really sorry, but I had all the vowels! And 's' and 't'! I couldn't afford to leave it like that!
PHOEBE: Next you'll be saying you listened to 'Alyssa' together.
LEO: Ah, remember when we listened to 'Alyssa'? That was funny.
PHOEBE: Hey that is a top-quality lyrically genius..y CD.
PIPER: Lyrically retarded you mean.
PHOEBE: Just cos you like Meatloaf Leo!
LEO: ... what's wrong with that?
PIPER: Ew Leo! You're sleeping on the couch!
LEO: I'm hungry. What's to eat?
*
VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen? Will Piper and Cole elope to the chess club? Will Leo get something to eat? What happened to Paige and will anyone ever notice that Prue is lying in the next room unconscious? Tune in next time for:
PREVIEW:
PHOEBE: I wanna learn an instrument. I'm thinking Kazoo.
*
PIPER: Oh my god there's something on my leg! Kill it! Kill it!
COLE: It's your cat.
PIPER: Really? Well would you look at that?
*
PHOEBE: I'm quitting the goddamn Kazoo! It's way too challenging! I hate it I hate it!
STOMPS ON KAZOO, WHICH SCOOTS OUT FROM UNDER HER FOOT AND HITS PRUE IN THE EYE.
PRUE: OWie! I can't see!!
*
VOICE OVER LADY: And that's all next time on Charmeded: the show that's almost Charmed but not quite!
ROLL CREDITS.
*
ARTICLES ABOUT CHARMEDED FROM MAGAZINES:
Here are some of the clippings I have kept from various magazines on Charmeded. Read them over and see what you think! Not all are positive, and some are just pointless, but I didn't make them, or the magazines up. Ahem.
SKANKY WOMEN WEEKLY
Charmeded is the word on everybody's lips and the show on everybody's television sets. Starring three beaut... youn... three women with two male co-stars and a cat, this sci-fi series is all about witchcraft and demons. Much like the WB's Charmed, but as Charmeded's slogan suggests, it's almost Charmed but not quite. What a show! And if you don't find your mouth watering over the hunky male stars, there's a whole selection of sexy scale and horn-clad demons to take your pick from.
DYSENTERY DOHERTY
Shannen's done it again with her hit series Charmeded. After allegedly being sacked from her previous TV show, Charmed, Doherty vowed to get her own back on show producer, Aaron Spelling. This show involves the same actors, characters and plot as the 'less-good' Charmed, and delivers it all with a refreshing twist of wit and decent acting. Three thumbs up!
THE WB MAGAZINE
So, this is what other competing stations have been reduced to: ripping off WB shows and attempting to win in the ratings stakes. Well, suffice to say Mr Spelling is not best pleased, and is currently on holiday in Iowa.
But when he comes back he will deal very harshly with the deemed popular 'Charmeded' and this reporter thinks that is a threat to be wary of. Yes, that's right, the show is called 'Charmeded' and the familiar catchy slogan is 'the show that's almost Charmed, but not quite'. I have yet to see the distasteful show, as it is, of course, on an inferior channel and network. The WB has released this statement: "We are not in the slightest concerned about Charmeded, because in most cases, the origional always comes out tops. Which, of course, is our very own home bred Charmed. Aaron Spelling will be having words with his cast which incidentally, also star on Charmeded, and will hopefully convince them that 'the WB is the place to be'!" Well, here's hoping.
REAL TV
At the moment, everyone seems to have gone AWOL over new series Charmeded, a supernatural show with a, once unthinkable, popular view on witchcraft. REAL TV has set up an interview with one of the stars, Brain Krause, which will be featured alongside our Charmeded poster-boy special in a few weeks time.
CHARMED QUARTERLY
New sci-fi series, Charmeded is set to beat Charmed in cases of ratings, but the makers of Charmed are positive that their actors will not be making the move to shoot one show only, and will continue to star in both series' (excepting, of course, Shannen Doherty who was fired, contrary to whatever that little ***** says) Which must be quite a strain on all of the actors, with their filming time for the next few years being completely booked up, forcing them to work round the clock to manage both series'. On being asked what it was like with such a hectic schedule, Holly Marie Combs replied with "Get out of my way ****head, I'm late!". Aww, bless her little cotton socks!
ALYSSA MILANO MAGAZINE FOR GIRLS
We are sorry to say this is the last of the AMMFG magazines, because we have sold, out of a total of five months (10 magazines) a grand total of: 42 magazines. And we print hundreds of each one. Alyssa Milano said on this topic "My magazine is closing down? Oh man! Well, to tell you the truth, even I stay well away from it. Watch Charmeded. And Charmed!" before rushing off. Yes, Charmeded, the show that's almost Charmed but not quite. We here at AMMFG are avid viewers of it, and for some reason not just because our adorable Milano stars. The combination of good acting, good actors, good looking, good plots, good special effects, with everything, on average, good, the show is both addictive and enjoyable. We'd write more, but valuable typing space is runnin-
CHARMEDED MAGAZINE
Editor's Column
Hi there everyone! Well, its the beginning of a new kind of television viewing. A new kind of viewing, which my show Charmeded will hopefully be recognised as the turning point. I enjoy working on the show very much, although I am told to stay clear from directing it! It's nice to work with Combs again, although I can't say much for Milano. Anyway! I was asked if I would frontline and start the magazine, and I'm thinking of offering everybody their own columns, so you can get the news straight from us, the stars, and not some stupid E! Magazine. Well, I have to go rehearse! Enjoy the magazine and I'll see you in Charmeded!
Love, Shannen
EDITOR
C! MAGAZINE
What an insult to the experienced television viewers in this world (ie, everyone who has a tv) Those jokers at the television studios have once again unleashed a wave of brutal plotlines, uneven camera work, scatty lines and even scattier actors (Alyssa Milano? I ask you!) The only thing which saves it from being a complete failure is the delightfully tolerable Holly Marie Combs, with her often fantastical wit and pretty face, she keeps the show on it's feet with hilarious one-liners even when there's nothing to joke about. If, however doubtful it is, you re not a fan of Combs, C! advises you to stay well clear of this monstrosity. Plotlines are dull to flat out sleep-inducing, making the phrase 'seen one, seen all' come to mind. Often. Really, a failure of a show and whoever thought of it should be castrated. 0 out of 10. Well, maybe 0.5 for the effort of Combs.
VIEW ASKEW COMICS
Kevin Smith asked us several times to review a new show, Charmeded as a thank you to his twice hired actress, Shannen Doherty. Ah yes, who remembers Mallrats? With the wonderfully wicked Doherty as Rene, the star drum player and 'course' girlfriend of our very own Jason Lee! And her upcoming appearance in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, how could we not write? On watching the show, we found it as addictive as the Powerpuff Girls (and you Powerpuff fans know what we're talking about) with many opportunities to have an appreciative giggle. Also we found references to Mallrats, and obvious Chasing Amy lines, which is always a plus in any type of media, and which were of course very well received and made us smile more than once. Overall, this is a very nice effort from the makers, and we recommend it to any fans of Doherty, Holly Marie Combs, and the beautifully formed Alyssa Milano. And anyone else. Snoogins.
REAL TV
As mentioned a few weeks ago, it turns out Brain Krause is not available for our interview. We apologise for any inconveinience and hurt feelings. Still, we still have our Charmeded Poster Boy special coming up soon.
NB: Any likeness to real magazines is either, well meant to be or sheer coincidence. These are NOT real articles, Charmeded is NOT a real show. Like you needed told.
If you have 'found' an 'article' you'd like to 'submit' from a 'magazine' into the next reviews page, please email them to me at kaytee83@hotmail.com and I will compile them into another page, no matter how harsh or... nice they are. Name the magazine you are 'reporting' for, and, if you like, the 'reporter's name'.
Could I use 'inverted commas' any more?
kt
