CHARMEDED EPISODE 4: ALL FOR THE NOOKIE


SCENE A: RECAP

PRUE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH HER ANKLE IN A CAST.

PRUE: Hi, I'm Prue, some may say I'm the star of the show-
PHOEBE(OS): Many won't!
PRUE: Phoebe!

SHE TRIES TO GET UP BUT FAILS.

PRUE: God dammit! (to Phoebe, looking to her right) Just you wait till I get this cast off then guess where it's going?

PAUSE. PRUE WATCHES PHOEBE WHO WE STILL CAN'T SEE.

PRUE: Huh! You little... you come over here and do that!

PHOEBE APPEARS ON SCREEN AND PUTS HER HANDS AT HER EARS AND STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT PRUE. SUDDENLY SHE IS HAULED BACK BY HER HAIR, WHICH PRUE HAS GRABBED. SHE IS FORCED TO SIT ON THE FLOOR.

PHOEBE: Ow Prue, please, let me go!
PRUE: You're lucky my kickin foots hurts just now. Now get outta here!

SHE LETS GO OF HER HAIR. PHOEBE CRAWLS AWAY SNIVELING. PRUE LOOKS BACK AT THE CAMERA.

PRUE: Sisters. You can't live with 'em, but you're not allowed to kill 'em. Anyway, where was I...

CAMERA STARTS TO FADE OUT.

PRUE: Hey! Hey it's my turn to do the recap! You can't fade out! I'm talking! I remember where I was now! Hey! Come back! It's me - Prue! I need to...

BLACK. ROLL OPENING CREDITS.

*

SCENE B:

PHOEBE IS TAKING A SHOWER. SHE IS SINGING TO HERSELF.

PHOEBE: Happiness is when you're here with me, my heart fills with joy oh can't you see?

COLE ENTERS AND BEGINS BRUSHING HIS TEETH.

COLE: Leo? Just thought I'd ask you, I'm kinda low on funds at the moment so... what am I thinking? You don't have any money! Ha ha!
PHOEBE: Happiness is when you're here with me-
COLE: Phoebe? I know the next line, sings Or when you're out of town! No, that's the Prue version...

PHOEBE PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN.

PHOEBE: Oh my god Cole!
COLE: What I've seen you naked thousands of... oh dear lord... Phoebe! Nice orbs!

PHOEBE CLOSES THE CURTAINS AGAIN. COLE EXITS. AFTER A WHILE, SHE CAUTIOUSLY POKES HER HEAD OUT AND LOOKS AROUND. THE ROOM IS EMPTY.

PHOEBE: Nice orbs, he says! Wow!

SHE SMILES AND DISAPPEARS BACK INTO THE SHOWER.

PHOEBE: Happiness is when you're here with me...

*

LIVING ROOM. PRUE, PIPER AND LEO ARE SITTING HAVING A NICE, FRIENDLY FAMILY CONVERSATION.

PRUE: Piper, I just think-
PIPER: Screw it, Prue! It's always about what you think, what you want, screw everybody else, my **** is more important-
PRUE: Hey hey hey! Calm down! Focus (pronounced 'fukus')
LEO: That's what I was thinking.
PRUE: That's amazing.
PIPER: That's disgusting!
PRUE: Leo, where were you thinking we could... rock the CAS bomb?
LEO: Well... I have this Volkswagen...
PRUE: What? That's like the most uncomfortable place!
PIPER: Believe me, there's worse.

BOTH STOP AND STARE AT PIPER.

PIPER: What? I'm not saying anything.

BOTH EDGE AWAY FROM PIPER. COLE ENTERS WITH A VIDEO.

COLE: Hey look I rented out one of my old favourites!

HE HOLDS UP 'MALLRATS'.

PIPER: Oh please.
PRUE: That has a bad script, worse actors and-
LEO: It's just bad.
PIPER: I heard that dip**** Kevin Smith publicly apologised for that.
COLE: What you actually took that seriously?

ALL NOD.

COLE: Umm tough room. I'll go watch it with Phoebe.
LEO: How do you know she'll like it?
COLE: You kidding? You seen the stuff she watches?
PIPER: And besides, you can just tell her who to hate on screen, and she'll watch like a hawk so she can bitch about them after.

COLE EXITS.

PRUE: What were we talking about before?
LEO: Hell if I know.

LEO ORBS OUT.

PIPER: What the... where that ****head go?
PRUE: Looks like it's just us.
PIPER: Gyyyah!
PRUE: Is that gyyyah good or gyyyah bad?
PIPER: What do you think?
PRUE: ... bad.
PIPER: As always, you're correct. ***hole.

*

PHOEBE'S ROOM. PHOEBE AND COLE ARE SETTLING DOWN TO WATCH THE FABULOUS MALLRATS. LEO ORBS IN.

LEO: I actually love this movie.
COLE: Leo, check it out!

COLE DOES THE JEDI MIND TRICK.

LEO: Cool! You can really do it!
COLE: I practised since I first saw this movie.

HE LIGHTS CIGARETTES AND HANDS THEM OUT.

PHOEBE: Shhh it's starting.
COLE: Okay. Phoebe, who do you hate?
PHOEBE: Rene.
LEO: Ha ha ha!

*

FRONT DOOR. BUCKLANDS GUY RINGS THE BELL HE IS HOLDING A BOX OF CHOCOLATES. PIPER ANSWERS.

BUCKO: Hi, is Prue in?
PIPER: Ummm let me check.

SHE OPENS THE DOOR SO BUCKLANDS GUY CAN SEE PRUE STANDING FURTHER DOWN THE HALL. HE SMILES AND WAVES. SHE AVERTS HER EYES.

PIPER: Prue? You in?

PRUE SHAKES HER HEAD NO.

PIPER: I'm sorry, she must be out just now.
BUCKO: What? She's standing right there!
PIPER: No she's not...
BUCKO: I saw her!
PIPER: Goodbye! Oh are those for me? I mean, her?
BUCKO: Well actually-

PIPER GRABS THE CHOCOLATES AND SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.

BUCKO: I'm diabetic. Those were kinda keeping me alive. I kinda needed one now... I don't feel so good.

HE WALKS AWAY STRANGELY.

*

PIPER AND LEO ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM. THE NEWS COMES ON. COLE ENTERS AND STANDS SILENTLY BEHIND THEM.

NEWS: And there has been a report of a hit and run in south side San Francisco. A young man suffering diabetes was hit by a Volkswagen just outside a very large pink mansion. He has been identified as Bucklands Guy-
PIPER: Oh my god!
NEWS: And was reported to have been staggering across the road when he was hit by the car.
LEO: Ahem.
PIPER: Leo... you... have a Volkswagen.
LEO: I know.
PIPER: Did you...?
LEO: No, I didn't, I swear.
COLE: It was me. I knocked him down.

SILENCE.

COLE: I just couldn't handle any more of those awful jokes.

PAUSE.

PIPER: Good on ya Cole.
COLE: Thanks.
LEO: Damn if you get that kind of response I wish I'd thought of knockin him down!
COLE: Ah, yah know.

HE IS BEGINNING TO BLUSH.

COLE: It's my killer instinct and all.
PIPER: You're cool Cole.
COLE: Ah stop it you guys!
LEO: Yeah Piper, stop it.
PIPER: Cole, when I first saw you, I thought 'man, he's an okay guy!' But now, now it's like 'Man! He rocks!'
COLE: Okay, Piper, okay.
PIPER: And you are the man!
COLE: Quit it, you're starting to piss me off now.
PIPER: I mean, wow! You are... wow!!
COLE: Piper! Will you shut the hell up before I do it for you? God!

PIPER FINALLY SHUTS UP. COLE STORMS OUT. LEO SITS NEXT TO HER, IN THE HUFF.

LEO: Yeah Piper.

SHE HITS HIM.

PIPER: I don't like Cole anymore. He's a ****bag.
LEO: Well, I guess I'm the only man in your life again!

PHOEBE ENTERS.

PIPER: I know. Gyyyah!
LEO: Is that a gyyyah bad or gyyyah good?
PIPER: You said bad first! You're such a pessimist!
PHOEBE: Wow not stumbling on a married arguement, am I?
PIPER: No, just cute happily married banter is so hard, right sweetie?
PHOEBE: Oh. Right.
LEO: Disappointed, Pheebs?
PHOEBE: No, no, of course not.

PHOEBE EXITS CURSING UNDER HER BREATH.

PIPER: She's so funny.

*

VOICE OVER LADY: Will Leo and Piper ever have cute happy couple chit chat sessions? Will Prue ever find out that Bucklands Guy was killed? Will she even care? And will Piper ever stop swearing? Find out next time:

*

PHOEBE: Cole, I got something to tell you... when I was seventeen or so, I was a teenybopper pop star.
COLE: What? Phoebe, I don't know if I will get over this.
PHOEBE: No! No, it's not like I was popular or anything!

*

BUCKO: Ooh I'm back from the dead wooooooooooh!
PIPER: You're back again? Cole! You didn't kill him properly last time!
COLE: Be right there!

COLE JUMPS IN PACKING A ROARING CHAINSAW.

COLE: Slim Shady eat your heart out.

*

PAIGE: Ha! I'm back and you can't get rid of me!
PRUE: Cole, can I borrow that chainsaw?

*

AS CREDITS ROLL:

VOICE OVER MAN: Wow looks fascinating! We're now halfway through the series, watch next time to find details of how you can ask the cast questions in their press conference in a few weeks time. Rumours have it that there will be some very special guest stars on the next episode, but you'll have to watch to find out who. And next Paige, Phoebe and Piper have demons to battle in Charmed.