CHARMEDED EPISODE SIX: TWO PARTER: PART TWO


SCENE A: RECAP


LEO IS SITTING IN PIPER'S BEDROOM. WHEN HE NOTICES THE CAMERA, HE INDICATES US TO BE QUIET.

LEO: whispered Hi, I'm Leo the Whitelighter. Downstairs, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and three of her friends have taken Piper and the other two, I forget their names, hostage. We don't know why yet, but Buffy and Co burst into the manor, knocking out Prue and I think the other two are tied up downstairs. I orbed out just in time so I could think about what to do, though some people think I was being a chicken. I'm not. So far I've come up with... nothing. Cole seems to have disappeared and I could really use his help.

COLE SHIMMERS IN.

LEO: Cool!
COLE: What's the problem?
LEO: Aw man I have to explain it all again? (sighs) Alright. Downstairs, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and three of her friends have taken Piper and the other two...

FADE OUT.
FADE IN.

LEO: ... come up with... nothing.
COLE: Right. Well, we should really rescue them.
LEO: We should eh?
COLE: ... wanna watch Mallrats first?
LEO: Okay.

PAUSE.

COLE: Damn I forgot I took it back to the video store!
LEO: Oh well, looks like we're gonna have to save them after all.

OPENING CREDITS.

SCENE B:

LIVING ROOM. PRUE COMES TO. SHE IS TIED TO A CHAIR. PHOEBE AND PIPER ARE ALSO TIED TO CHAIRS.

PRUE: Ha ha you idiots. I have telekinesis - you forgot to cover my eyes.

SHE SQUINTS AT THEM BUT NOTHING HAPPENS.

WILLOW: Extra thick contact lenses - you now have evil green eyes.
XANDER: Yeah you look like that black haired one from the Powerpuff Girls.
PHOEBE: See?
PIPER: Ha ha ha that's funny!
GILES: Oh! She's attacking!
WILLOW: Buffy!

BUFFY ENTERS AND SMACKS PIPER OVER THE HEAD.

PHOEBE: Ohh Buffy. I wouldn't do that she'll blow you up.
BUFFY: What? She can blow stuff up?
PIPER: Yeah, and if you don't untie me... KABLAMMO! You're dust!

PAUSE.

PHOEBE: If you don't want her to blow you up, it's okay. She can't cos her hands are tied behind her back.

PAUSE.

PIPER: Phoebe! Your stupidity astounds me!
PHOEBE: What? We're losing, if I switch teams I get to win! Besides, you say 'kablammo' and you're calling me stupid?
PRUE: Phoebe I'm gonna kick your ass later!
BUFFY: I sense a dysfunctional family. (to Phoebe) Now are you gonna cause any problems?
PHOEBE: Hey I can't touch you.
GILES: Really? What are your powers?
PHOEBE: Well, premonitions. I had an active power, levitation, for about three weeks, but then it sorta disappeared.
PIPER: Yeah what happened to that?
PHOEBE: I think I lost it cos I didn't make as big a deal as you did when you got your new power.
PIPER: Hey I did not make a big deal!
PHOEBE: Did you not see yourself? "Oh my god I can never touch anything again! Stay away from me you guys, I don't wanna hurt anyone. Help me - get the Elders to take it back! Leo, save me! I'm so depressed, my life is ruined!" We all knew you were loving every minute of it.
PRUE: That's, well, that's actually true.

PIPER IS STUNNED INTO SILENCE.

PRUE: Leo!
BUFFY: Who's Leo?
PHOEBE: Piper's husband - the guy who orbed out through there.
WILLOW: Piper. Huh that's a funny name.
PIPER: How can you make fun of my name? Look at you! Look at all of you! I have never heard such a stupid attention-seeking childish bunch of names in my entire life!
XANDER: Hey! Our names are cool, distinguished.
PRUE: Outcast names you mean.
XANDER: Shut it, Buttercup.
PHOEBE: Ha ha ha!
GILES: She's attacking too!

BUFFY SMACKS PHOEBE OVER THE HEAD.

PHOEBE: What? I was laughing!
BUFFY: Oh right, sure.
PIPER: What the-
XANDER: Hey this is a family show!
PIPER: Not from where I'm sitting.
BUFFY: You swear, you're dead.

LEO AND COLE ORB/SHIMMER IN.

PIPER: Leo!
PHOEBE: Cole!
PRUE: No current attachment!
COLE: Yeah, we came to rescue you.
GILES: Oh dear.
XANDER: I'm outta here!
WILLOW: Yeah you're on your own Buffy!

GILES, WILLOW AND XANDER EXIT WHIMPERING.

COLE: What?
LEO: Why did they run away?
PIPER: Oh I don't know... maybe because you're naked!!!

LEO AND COLE JUMP, THEN COVER THEIR RESPECTIVE 'BITS'.

COLE: Oh my god!
LEO: How?
PRUE: What were you guys up to?
PIPER: Ahh Buffy she's attacking!

BUFFY SMACKS PRUE OVER THE HEAD.

PIPER: Heh heh sucker!
BUFFY: Right, you're gonna tell me what I wanna know.
PHOEBE: I'm scared.
BUFFY: Be a man!
PHOEBE: Okay (masculine voice) I'm scared.
PIPER: Buffy, what do you want to know?
BUFFY: Will you guys leave you're making me sick!

LEO AND COLE EXIT.

BUFFY: Where is your book...
PHOEBE: Oh no!
BUFFY: Of...
PIPER: No...
BUFFY: Recipes for chicken? I'm trying to prove that to make the perfect barbecued chicken you need, *need* to put on alfresco.
PIPER: Well, it's a matter of taste, but I think alfresco takes the flavour...

BUFFY IS STARING AT HER.

PIPER: Kitchen cupboard, third shelf.
BUFFY: Thanks.

BUFFY EXITS. A FEW MINUTES LATER THEY HERE THE DOOR SLAM AS SHE LETS HERSELF OUT.

PIPER: They stole my book!
PHOEBE: And still we're tied to chairs. Will this nightmare ever end?
PRUE: I'm gonna sing a song.
PIPER/PHOEBE: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

*

LIVING ROOM. LEO AND PHOEBE ARE WATCHING 'BEHIND THE MUSIC: CHRISTINA AGUILERA'.

WE WATCH THE TELEVISION.

CHRISTINA: Hi I'm Christina Aguilera and loads of people always ask me if Britney and I actually get on. The truth is, we're lesbian lovers, but I don't like her very much. Hooooooolooolaaaaaaa that's me singing! Most people like it. So here we are on the set for my new video, 'I'm better than you' and it's kinda cold, but I'm enjoying it. Recently I took part in a song for the film 'Moulin Rouge' and I was great. Britney was going to be a part but was dropped for Pink at the last minute. So I had one more bottle of champagne that night!

WE'RE BACK IN THE MANOR.

PHOEBE: Do you think I look like her?
LEO: Umm...
PHOEBE: Everyone says I do.
LEO: Everyone? Who?
PHOEBE: Umm... I forget, but you think I look like her, right?

PIPER ENTERS.

LEO: Would it make you happy if I said yes?
PHOEBE: Yeah.
PIPER: You two aren't planning to have sex behind my back are you?
LEO: Nope. After last time, I wouldn't wanna risk it. Besides, Piper's better.
PHOEBE: What???
LEO: But Phoebe looks like Christina Aguilera!
PHOEBE: That's right.

PHOEBE EXITS.

LEO: ...who is an ugly hoe.
PIPER: You really meant that? That I was better?
LEO: That was why I picked you!
PIPER: Oh I feel so privileged.

LEO ROLLS HIS EYES

ROLL CREDITS

*

VOICE OVER LADY: What will happen next time? Will Piper ever realise what Leo and Phoebe are up to behind her back? What ARE Leo and Phoebe up to behind Piper's back? Will Buffy ever return Piper's book? Will they ever recover from Buffy smacking them over the head so many times? Will anyone cry because Prue was hardly in this episode? Probably not! Next time on Charmeded:

PHOEBE IS WEARING A TIGHT TOP AND MINI MINI MINI SKIRT.

PHOEBE: Check me out! What a girl wants, what a girl needs, whatever makes me happy sets you free-

PHOEBE IS SHOT DEAD. COLE BLOWS THE SMOKE OFF HIS GUN.

*

PRUE: People should praise me.
LEO: Hail Queen Prue!
PIPER: Prue, you working on your mind control again?

*

LEO: I'm turning myself into the Dark Side. I'm trying for a new job with evil.
PIPER: Oh yeah what job?
LEO: Satan.
PIPER: Wow that's a lot of work!
LEO: Nah Satan is so overrated these days! Now he tends to have minions to do everything for him.
PHOEBE: Oh! Oh! I could be a minion!

*


VOICE OVER MAN: And next on... this channel, we have Piper and Paige who have to face the demon who kidnapped their sister. Stay tuned for demon slaying drama in Charmed.