CHARMEDED EPISODE SEVEN: ALL THAT AND A CHEESE ON A STICK
PRELUDE: HOLLY'S FACTS
HOLLY: Hi again, if you think that the costumes are nice on this show, you might be interested to know that they actually belong to the actors themselves! Wardrobe can't afford new clothes every week, so we wear our own stuff.
SCENE A: TEASER
ATTIC. PHOEBE IS ALONE LOOKING THROUGH THE BOOK OF SHADOWS. SHE IS SINGING TO HERSELF.
PHOEBE: (to the tune of sitting down here by lene marlin) I'm sitting down here looking for a spell to heighten my libido well beyond what's natural. Though I don't think I need it, Cole's getting bored, and I really need to prove to Prue I can keep a man...
THE PAGES SUDDENLY TURN THEMSELVES TO A PAGE ENTITLED 'HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF GAIN WEIGHT'
PHOEBE: Hey, Grams! Sorry, but no thanks.
SHE FLIPS THE PAGES AND CONTINUES LOOKING. THE PAGES TURN BACK TO THE WEIGHT CHARM AGAIN.
PHOEBE: Hey! I told you no!
SHE FORCEFULLY PULLS THE PAGES OVER. THEY TURN ONCE AGAIN TO THE WEIGHT GAIN PAGE.
PHOEBE: For goodness sakes Grams!
SHE SLAMS THE BOOK SHUT IN ANGER. IT LEVITATES OFF THE PODIUM BEFORE THUNKING HER ON THE HEAD SEVERAL TIMES. SHE FALLS OVER, AND IT SMACKS HER AGAIN BEFORE RESTING BACK ON THE PODIUM, OPEN AT THE SAME PAGE. PHOEBE SLOWLY STANDS UP.
PHOEBE: Okay, okay, I'll do the spell.
ROLL OPENING CREDITS.
*
SCENE B
LIVING ROOM. PRUE, PIPER AND COLE ARE SEATED AND LEO IS PACING.
LEO: I can't find her anywhere!
PIPER: Doesn't that mean that she's safe? Is it not like your Whitelighter radar only finds people if they're in trouble?
LEO: No! Where have you been the last million years?
PRUE: Yeah Piper. Idiot.
PIPER: Hey shut the **** up you ****ing ****er! I don't like your bull**** anymore than I like to hear you **** yourself in the next room!
PRUE: Hey woah! I thought we sorted out your swearing problem.
PIPER: It's not a ****ing problem! It's a habit.
COLE: And, like killing, not all habits are bad, right?
PHOEBE(OS): What about overeating?
WE LOOK UP TO THE STAIRS TO SEE PHOEBE, AS ROUND AS A BEACH BALL STRUGGLING TO GET DOWN THE STAIRS.
PIPER: Holy ****!
COLE: Oh my god you fat cow!
LEO: What did you eat???
PRUE: Wow, wow!
PHOEBE: Well, you know what I'm like with peer pressure...
PIPER: What, you saw the sun and thought you'd give it a run for its money?
PHOEBE: Something like that, yeah. The cool thing is I can do this!
SHE LIES ON HER SIDE AND ROLLS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. SHE THEN TRIES TO GET UP, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH LIKE A BEETLE ON ITS BACK.
PHOEBE: Uh... little help?
PRUE PICKS UP A SPADE AND USES IT TO LEVER PHOEBE BACK ONTO HER FEET.
LEO: Where'd that spade come from?
COLE: Phoebe, I can't... just thinking about it... gyyyeah!
PHOEBE: Gyyyeah good, gyyyeah bad?
PIPER: What do you think, bouncy?
COLE: I mean, I know you're cuddly... but this is, disgusting!
PHOEBE: Yeah I weigh bout 400 pounds.
PRUE: Wow that's 400 pounds of weight you put on there!
PHOEBE: I have such a craving for chocolate smothered in cream cheese with jello and lard.
PIPER: I'll be a fan of Meatloaf if I'm gonna let you eat all that!
LEO: Hey...
PRUE: So how we gonna fix it?
COLE: Let me try!
HE PRICKS PHOEBE WITH A PIN. NOTHING HAPPENS, EXCEPT:
PHOEBE: Ow you made me bleed!
PIPER: Oh, stuff happens. Cole, were you expecting her to shoot across the room like a balloon?
COLE: Well, not expecting.
PRUE: I'm far ahead of you - hoping, right?
COLE: Yup.
LEO: Okay, I think I know how to get her back down to size. Carb only diet. Everyone's doing it, and noone's died yet. Perfect!
PHOEBE: Yeah.
PHOEBE SLOWLY SHRINKS BACK TO SIZE.
PHOEBE: Well would you look at that!
PRUE: How...?
LEO: Who cares?
PIPER: You're so right!
LEO AND PIPER EXIT, ON THE WAY OUT PIPER MUTTERS TO LEO:
PIPER: Attention seeker.
THEY EXIT.
PHOEBE: Wonder who they were talking about.
PRUE SIGHS. COLE SLAPS HIS FORHEAD. PRUE AND COLE EXIT. ON THE WAY OUT, COLE MUTTERS TO PRUE:
COLE: Retard.
THEY EXIT.
PHOEBE: Wow whoever this is they are sooo disliked!
*
BLACK. SFX DOORBELL.
WE OPEN ON PIPER AND PHOEBE OPENING THE DOOR. THERE IS A SALESMAN.
SALESMAN: Hi I'm Jakie McJake I'd like you to try a free sample of a sweet.
PIPER: Ooh I don't know-
PHOEBE: Okay! Gimme gimme gimme!
SALESMAN: Alrighty. These are Campino Strawberry And Cream flavour. Try!
THEY TRY THE SAMPLE.
PHOEBE: Mmm tastes like strawberries and cream!
PIPER: (to salesman) Excuse me.
SHE CLONKS PHOEBE OVER THE HEAD.
PHOEBE: What?
PIPER: Okay. Now what?
SALESMAN: Now we wait for the poison to kick in.
PIPER: WHAT???
SALESMAN: Now we get a little form for you to fill in!
PIPER: Uh, I don't think so.
SALESMAN: Don't close the door on me!
THEY CLOSE THE DOOR.
SALESMAN(OS): You'll regret it! Those were poisoned!
PIPER AND PHOEBE COLLAPSE.
SALESMAN(OS): I bet you're regretting it right now!
WE ZOOM ON THEM LYING ON THE FLOOR.
SALESMAN(OS): I bet you're lying on the floor unconscious right now! Which means you probably can't hear me... I'll leave now.
*
LIVING ROOM. LEO, COLE AND PRUE ARE HANGING OUT.
LEO: Where the hell are Piper and Phoebe?
PRUE: I dunno, they seem to be a long time with whoever was at the door.
COLE: Prue, go see who it was.
PRUE: No, I'm too lazy!
COLE TURNS INTO BELTHAZOR.
PRUE: Okay okay!
PRUE ASTRAL PROJECTS. COLE RESUMES HUMAN FORM.
COLE: Sucker.
LEO: Yup.
COLE: Shut it.
PRUE ASTRAL PROJECTS BACK IN.
PRUE: Yeah, they're lying unconscious in the hall. But it's okay, as long as noone else comes to the door, they're not making much of a mess.
LEO: Cool.
PRUE: I've decided to commentate and narrate everything that happens to annoy you.
LEO PULLS A FACE.
PRUE: Leo pulls a face.
COLE REVERTS TO BELTHAZOR.
PRUE: Cole reverts to Belthazor.
AND THEN BACK TO COLE AGAIN.
PRUE: And then back to Cole again.
PRUE LAUGHS.
PRUE: Prue laughs. Ha ha ha!
PRUE SMILES.
PRUE: Prue smiles.
PRUE IS A GIMP.
PRUE: Prue is a - hey!
LEO: You deserved that.
COLE: Did anyone notice, that 'Cole' is 'Leo' messed around with a 'C'?
PRUE: Did anyone notice, that 'Prue' is 'pure' messed around?
COLE/LEO: No.
ROLL CREDITS
*
VOICE OVER LADY: Will anyone ever get off that couch? Does anybody care that Piper and Phoebe are unconscious in the next room? And will Prue ever take that sticker that says 'I'm a retard 1998' off her forehead? Find out next time on Charmeded. Sadly there are no previews of next time, as it the the eighth and final season finale climax. A word Prue hasn't heard a lot, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha-
VOICE OVER MAN: And after the finale, the cast will be fielding questions from the fans.
PRELUDE: HOLLY'S FACTS
HOLLY: Hi again, if you think that the costumes are nice on this show, you might be interested to know that they actually belong to the actors themselves! Wardrobe can't afford new clothes every week, so we wear our own stuff.
SCENE A: TEASER
ATTIC. PHOEBE IS ALONE LOOKING THROUGH THE BOOK OF SHADOWS. SHE IS SINGING TO HERSELF.
PHOEBE: (to the tune of sitting down here by lene marlin) I'm sitting down here looking for a spell to heighten my libido well beyond what's natural. Though I don't think I need it, Cole's getting bored, and I really need to prove to Prue I can keep a man...
THE PAGES SUDDENLY TURN THEMSELVES TO A PAGE ENTITLED 'HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF GAIN WEIGHT'
PHOEBE: Hey, Grams! Sorry, but no thanks.
SHE FLIPS THE PAGES AND CONTINUES LOOKING. THE PAGES TURN BACK TO THE WEIGHT CHARM AGAIN.
PHOEBE: Hey! I told you no!
SHE FORCEFULLY PULLS THE PAGES OVER. THEY TURN ONCE AGAIN TO THE WEIGHT GAIN PAGE.
PHOEBE: For goodness sakes Grams!
SHE SLAMS THE BOOK SHUT IN ANGER. IT LEVITATES OFF THE PODIUM BEFORE THUNKING HER ON THE HEAD SEVERAL TIMES. SHE FALLS OVER, AND IT SMACKS HER AGAIN BEFORE RESTING BACK ON THE PODIUM, OPEN AT THE SAME PAGE. PHOEBE SLOWLY STANDS UP.
PHOEBE: Okay, okay, I'll do the spell.
ROLL OPENING CREDITS.
*
SCENE B
LIVING ROOM. PRUE, PIPER AND COLE ARE SEATED AND LEO IS PACING.
LEO: I can't find her anywhere!
PIPER: Doesn't that mean that she's safe? Is it not like your Whitelighter radar only finds people if they're in trouble?
LEO: No! Where have you been the last million years?
PRUE: Yeah Piper. Idiot.
PIPER: Hey shut the **** up you ****ing ****er! I don't like your bull**** anymore than I like to hear you **** yourself in the next room!
PRUE: Hey woah! I thought we sorted out your swearing problem.
PIPER: It's not a ****ing problem! It's a habit.
COLE: And, like killing, not all habits are bad, right?
PHOEBE(OS): What about overeating?
WE LOOK UP TO THE STAIRS TO SEE PHOEBE, AS ROUND AS A BEACH BALL STRUGGLING TO GET DOWN THE STAIRS.
PIPER: Holy ****!
COLE: Oh my god you fat cow!
LEO: What did you eat???
PRUE: Wow, wow!
PHOEBE: Well, you know what I'm like with peer pressure...
PIPER: What, you saw the sun and thought you'd give it a run for its money?
PHOEBE: Something like that, yeah. The cool thing is I can do this!
SHE LIES ON HER SIDE AND ROLLS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. SHE THEN TRIES TO GET UP, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH LIKE A BEETLE ON ITS BACK.
PHOEBE: Uh... little help?
PRUE PICKS UP A SPADE AND USES IT TO LEVER PHOEBE BACK ONTO HER FEET.
LEO: Where'd that spade come from?
COLE: Phoebe, I can't... just thinking about it... gyyyeah!
PHOEBE: Gyyyeah good, gyyyeah bad?
PIPER: What do you think, bouncy?
COLE: I mean, I know you're cuddly... but this is, disgusting!
PHOEBE: Yeah I weigh bout 400 pounds.
PRUE: Wow that's 400 pounds of weight you put on there!
PHOEBE: I have such a craving for chocolate smothered in cream cheese with jello and lard.
PIPER: I'll be a fan of Meatloaf if I'm gonna let you eat all that!
LEO: Hey...
PRUE: So how we gonna fix it?
COLE: Let me try!
HE PRICKS PHOEBE WITH A PIN. NOTHING HAPPENS, EXCEPT:
PHOEBE: Ow you made me bleed!
PIPER: Oh, stuff happens. Cole, were you expecting her to shoot across the room like a balloon?
COLE: Well, not expecting.
PRUE: I'm far ahead of you - hoping, right?
COLE: Yup.
LEO: Okay, I think I know how to get her back down to size. Carb only diet. Everyone's doing it, and noone's died yet. Perfect!
PHOEBE: Yeah.
PHOEBE SLOWLY SHRINKS BACK TO SIZE.
PHOEBE: Well would you look at that!
PRUE: How...?
LEO: Who cares?
PIPER: You're so right!
LEO AND PIPER EXIT, ON THE WAY OUT PIPER MUTTERS TO LEO:
PIPER: Attention seeker.
THEY EXIT.
PHOEBE: Wonder who they were talking about.
PRUE SIGHS. COLE SLAPS HIS FORHEAD. PRUE AND COLE EXIT. ON THE WAY OUT, COLE MUTTERS TO PRUE:
COLE: Retard.
THEY EXIT.
PHOEBE: Wow whoever this is they are sooo disliked!
*
BLACK. SFX DOORBELL.
WE OPEN ON PIPER AND PHOEBE OPENING THE DOOR. THERE IS A SALESMAN.
SALESMAN: Hi I'm Jakie McJake I'd like you to try a free sample of a sweet.
PIPER: Ooh I don't know-
PHOEBE: Okay! Gimme gimme gimme!
SALESMAN: Alrighty. These are Campino Strawberry And Cream flavour. Try!
THEY TRY THE SAMPLE.
PHOEBE: Mmm tastes like strawberries and cream!
PIPER: (to salesman) Excuse me.
SHE CLONKS PHOEBE OVER THE HEAD.
PHOEBE: What?
PIPER: Okay. Now what?
SALESMAN: Now we wait for the poison to kick in.
PIPER: WHAT???
SALESMAN: Now we get a little form for you to fill in!
PIPER: Uh, I don't think so.
SALESMAN: Don't close the door on me!
THEY CLOSE THE DOOR.
SALESMAN(OS): You'll regret it! Those were poisoned!
PIPER AND PHOEBE COLLAPSE.
SALESMAN(OS): I bet you're regretting it right now!
WE ZOOM ON THEM LYING ON THE FLOOR.
SALESMAN(OS): I bet you're lying on the floor unconscious right now! Which means you probably can't hear me... I'll leave now.
*
LIVING ROOM. LEO, COLE AND PRUE ARE HANGING OUT.
LEO: Where the hell are Piper and Phoebe?
PRUE: I dunno, they seem to be a long time with whoever was at the door.
COLE: Prue, go see who it was.
PRUE: No, I'm too lazy!
COLE TURNS INTO BELTHAZOR.
PRUE: Okay okay!
PRUE ASTRAL PROJECTS. COLE RESUMES HUMAN FORM.
COLE: Sucker.
LEO: Yup.
COLE: Shut it.
PRUE ASTRAL PROJECTS BACK IN.
PRUE: Yeah, they're lying unconscious in the hall. But it's okay, as long as noone else comes to the door, they're not making much of a mess.
LEO: Cool.
PRUE: I've decided to commentate and narrate everything that happens to annoy you.
LEO PULLS A FACE.
PRUE: Leo pulls a face.
COLE REVERTS TO BELTHAZOR.
PRUE: Cole reverts to Belthazor.
AND THEN BACK TO COLE AGAIN.
PRUE: And then back to Cole again.
PRUE LAUGHS.
PRUE: Prue laughs. Ha ha ha!
PRUE SMILES.
PRUE: Prue smiles.
PRUE IS A GIMP.
PRUE: Prue is a - hey!
LEO: You deserved that.
COLE: Did anyone notice, that 'Cole' is 'Leo' messed around with a 'C'?
PRUE: Did anyone notice, that 'Prue' is 'pure' messed around?
COLE/LEO: No.
ROLL CREDITS
*
VOICE OVER LADY: Will anyone ever get off that couch? Does anybody care that Piper and Phoebe are unconscious in the next room? And will Prue ever take that sticker that says 'I'm a retard 1998' off her forehead? Find out next time on Charmeded. Sadly there are no previews of next time, as it the the eighth and final season finale climax. A word Prue hasn't heard a lot, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha-
VOICE OVER MAN: And after the finale, the cast will be fielding questions from the fans.
