Charmeded Episode 8: It Ain't Over Till It's Over


PRELUDE: HOLLY'S FACTS

HOLLY: Hey there. It's scary enough that we get our scripts five minutes before shooting, but did you know that we only ever shoot each scene once? We have to get it right or it messes up the whole scene - and there's no chance to reshoot. Also, each scene and show go on air completely unedited. Time to watch that language!

Scene A: Recap

CAMERA ON BLANK WALL. PHOEBE BOUNDS IN.

PHOEBE: Hi! Well, it's been a year-



PHOEBE: Since we first saw Paige switch bodies with Prue, and what a year it's been! I've been updating my collection of wooly pink hats and little girl giggles! A hee hee! See? So what else happened over the past year? Let's see... Prue ate my script, Prue almost got laid.

PHOEBE HAS TO STOP TO BREATHE FROM LAUGHING.

PHOEBE: Leo stole my pop tarts, Prue got all wistful on us, there were a lot of Mallrats viewings - that Rene's a b*tch by the way-

SHANNEN WALKS ON SCREEN.

SHANNEN: Hey Lyssie.
PHOEBE: Hey PRUE!
SHANNEN: Oh - sorry!

SHANNEN CONCENTRATES AND LO AND BEHOLD - LOOK WHAT HAPPENS!

PRUE: Hey Phoebe. Whatcha doin?
PHOEBE: I'm telling the guys at home what's been goin on over the last year.
PRUE: Um... I think they know - they were watching it. Sad b*stards.

HOLLY AND JULIAN ENTER.

HOLLY: Sup guys?
JULIAN: G'day. Shannen, we need to talk to you about those marks we found on Brian's body.
PHOEBE: Oh yeah, you guys at home, I forgot to tell you, few days back Leo was found beaten to the ground. He came back from the hostipal yesterday.
JULIAN: Hospital. It's pronounced, hospital.
PHOEBE: Yeah - hostipal.
JULIAN: Retard.
PHOEBE: But we think Prue beat him up.
PRUE: I uhhh don't know what you're talking about?
HOLLY: Come on - you're acting!
SHANNEN: Fine! Now I'm out of character. I don't know what you're talking about.
HOLLY: And now you're lying!
SHANNEN: Holly - I have always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said okay. At that hotel prom night, when you asked me to sleep underneath the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told most of my relatives you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. If you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your sh*t now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious f*cking disappointment.
HOLLY: Okay shut the f*ck up with that speech will you? You've been saying it more than too much every day for the past week! And our grandmother and relatives are the same. We're sisters dipsh*t!
ALYSSA: Y'guys ruined the scene.

HOLLY PUNCHES ALYSSA.

HOLLY: Wooly pink moron.
ALYSSA: Alright now I'm gonna get nasty!

SHANNEN PUNCHES ALYSSA.

ALYSSA: No more... Mr Nice... Pheebs...

JULIAN, SHANNEN AND HOLLY JUMP ON ALYSSA AND BEGIN PUMMELING HER.

ALYSSA: Owie...

ROLL THEME AND CREDITS.

Scene B:

KITCHEN. LEO AND PIPER ARE STANDING ABOUT LOOKING BENT. PRUE ENTERS. PHOEBE ENTERS. PHOEBE LEAVES. A FEW MINUTES LATER, PHOEBE ENTERS. PHOEBE LEAVES. PHOEBE ENTERS. PHOEBE LEAVES. PHOEBE ENTERS. PRUE PUNCHES PHOEBE. PHOEBE FALLS DOWN.

PRUE: Stupid boot starting to piss me off...
PIPER: You'd think she'd have brain damage by now thanks to you, Prue.
PRUE: Well, they say it's never too late.
LEO: Guess we'll just have to wait.
PIPER: It's just brought me closer...
PRUE: Stop trying to steal the moment, sister.
PIPER: I was just going along with the song-
PRUE: I hate you sometimes.

PHOEBE GETS UP.

PHOEBE: Fine I'll do the vanquish myself!
LEO: What vanquish?

COLE ENTERS.

PHOEBE: Oh I whipped up a little something to vanquish Belthazor.
COLE: Hey in the what now?
PHOEBE: Hey sweetie. I'm going to vanquish Belthazor.
COLE: That name sounds familiar...
PRUE: And I should care, but I don't!
PIPER: Who the f*ck hates you? I mean asked you?

A DEMON DOOD SHIMMERS IN.

PIPER: What the f*ck is this? A breakfast bar?
DEMON: Ooh you serve breakfast?
PHOEBE: Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?
DEMON: You don't already know? Your whitelighter must be sleeping on the job!
PIPER: Under, actually.
LEO: Piper!!! That's embarrassing!
PHOEBE: Can we get on with this, KT is getting tired of writing so much junk!

KT NODS.
THE DEMON DOOD DISAPPEARS.

KT: I hate to agree with the bimbo, but Charmeded is taking it's toll... and the Demon Dood was pissing me off. Let's make Piper swear some more!
PIPER: Hey KT who the f*ck are you get the f*ck out of my house! I mean, manor. Ah what the heck get the f*ck out of my f*ck-off pink mansion!
KT: That's more like it.
PIPER: Nyyahhh I can't stop mother f*cking doing it now you f*cking gimp boy Phoebe get me some f*cking soda water! And a sh*tty kebab from that sh*tty kebab shop!

PHOEBE LEAVES TO GET PIPER A SODA WATER AND A KEBAB.

PIPER: She is so my b*tch.

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BY NOW EVERYONE 'WATCHING' CHARMEDED HAS REALISED IT REALLY IS A BIG PILE OF SH*TE. OH WELL. TIME TO BRING IT TO A CLOSE I GUESS.

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SUDDENLY SOME RANDOM WOMAN COMES IN AND SHOOTS PIPER.

SOME RANDOM WOMAN: I killed the bad witch!
PHOEBE: Actually, that's the bad witch there.

PHOEBE POINTS AT PRUE.

PRUE: Hey in the what now? No, uh, no I'm not the-

BOOKA! PRUE IS ALSO SHOT DEAD.

PHOEBE: Nooooooooooooo! Piper!!!!!!

SHE FALLS OVER PRUE WHILE RUSHING TO PIPER'S SIDE.

PHOEBE: Ah! Stoopid b*tch!

SHE JUMPS ON PRUE'S FACE.

SOME RANDOM WOMAN: I killed the bad witch!

PHOEBE PHYSICALLY MANHANDLES AND KILLS SOME RANDOM WOMAN. SOME USE SHE WAS. PHOEBE SITS DOWN BY PIPER, CRYING.

PHOEBE: Piper... please... stay with me Piper... Piper? PIPER!!!




SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.

THE END!!!!!!!!!

VOICE OVER MAN: What the f*ck?!?!? You can't leave us hanging like that!!! I need to know what happens to Piper!
VOICE OVER LADY: Yes indeedy that was quite a cliffhanger! And what's more - there are no previews because that was the end of series one! Calamity. CALAMITY!!!



And stay tuned for a press conference starring the cast as they talk about the seasons' dramatic finale.




KT: Phew...