The Daily Raj sent one of its roving reporters, a young lady called KT to check out the cast of Charmeded's press conference. Here is our accurate account of what happened.

KT: Hi alright I'm in the room, the cast haven't entered yet, but there is quite a turnout of reporters here. Oh here they come.

Applause.

SHANNEN DOHERTY: Thank you, thank you very much.
ALYSSA MILANO: Really, applause isn't necessary.

Shannen punches Alyssa.

SHANNEN: Shut up idiot! How often do you think this ever happens to me?

The cast take their seats. Cameras flash. They are: Holly Marie Combs, Brian Krause, Alyssa Milano, Shannen Doherty, Julian McMahon and Lochllyn Munroe.

***NOTE***Since Lochllyn is particularly hard to spell, we'll just call him by his character's name - Bucklands Guy, or Bucko for short. Also: when another enemy journalist asks a question, they will be referred to by their last name******

JULIAN MCMAHON: Alright already. Let's get this over with.
ALYSSA: Hi folks! We are the cast of Charmeded! And we're gonna answer all your questions about the show! Hee hee! Oh no I dropped my fluffy pink hat!
HOLLY MARIE COMBS: Imbecile.
ALYSSA: What?
HOLLY: What?
ALYSSA: Whatever.
BRIAN KRAUSE: If we can have the first question?

I put my hand up.

BRAIN: Yes - you there.
CHAVY: Yes, Miss Doherty - how has doing two shows put a strain on your love life?
SHANNEN: I'm only doing one show.
CHAVY: Oh yeah!

All laugh at Shannen. Including me. Ha ha outcast.

ARIA: Shannen, how has being the odd one out of the cast affected your relationships with them?
SHANNEN: It's the same as ever. They piss me off, I smash them.
ARIA: Smash?
SHANNEN: Look, I'll demonstrate:

Shannen punches Alyssa hard.

SHANNEN: That, is what smashing someone is. Okay, next question!

It occurs to me that two minutes in, Shannen already has taken over the whole meeting. I put my hand up and praise be! Shannen looks right at me!

SHANNEN: You there.
KT: Hi, Shannen, do you-
SHANNEN: Not you! Was I looking at you?
KT: I don't know... your squint...
SHANNEN: I don't have a squint! Well, what's your question?

Shannen is looking at the other side of the room.

SHANNEN: Hello? Reporter who said I have a squint! I'm looking at you now!
KT: Um... okay. Do you like Alyssa Milano?

I expect her to deny the rumours about on-set bitch fights between her and her co-star, since Milano is right next to her.

SHANNEN: No I don't 'not like her'. I hate the b*tch!
ALYSSA: Shannen - you said... for the press...
SHANNEN: Shut up dipsh*t!
BUCKO: Alright fiesty chicks! Calm down a little. This is a swearing-free zone!
SHANNEN: Anything for you, Bucklands Guy...
HEWITT: Okay, this is a question for Bucklands Guy-
JAKIE: I have a question for Bucklands Guy as well!
BUCKO: Sweet f*cking christ! Does no one know my real name?

Silence sweeps the room.

BRIAN: Okay! I just wanna say, cos the papers are here and all, that I am publically dumping Alyssa Milano's candy ass.

Alyssa looks shocked.

BRIAN: Mainly cos she's a retard, I hate her clothes, I hate her voice, she makes me feel sick, and she never shares her stash!
ALYSSA: Brian! But I love you...
BRIAN: Yeah, well you suck! I gotta go anyway. Bye.

Brain ups and leaves. Alyssa starts crying.

SHANNEN: Oh stop being such a stupid baby, Milano. Well, you are still in nappies aren't you?
ALYSSA: Shut up! Just cos I'm younger than you!
SHANNEN: Look, Milano, just because you got your teeth whitened before me, does not mean you are any younger or trendier.
ALYSSA: Just because I'm part Italian!
SHANNEN: I'm part Irish!
HOLLY: God will you both shut the f*ck up? Alyssa, you yourself are not Italian. Your name is. And Shannen, your name isn't even Irish at all! If you were really Irish your name would be spelled S H A N N O N D O C H E R T Y! Both of you stop trying to be so special!
SHANNEN: Oh look who's talking, Miss 'I have three names - worship me!'
ALYSSA: Yeah you stripy piece of... wallpaper!
JULIAN: They have a point...
HOLLY: What? I am not like wallpaper!
SHANNEN: Yeah, I guess those millions of times I've walked past you and never even seen you because you blend in with the wall so well is just coincidental?
HOLLY: ... yes.

I decide to intervene.

KT: Hi, ladies? Hi. I want to ask you about your fanzines that you have out?
SHANNEN: Ah yeah! I have two - Charmeded Magazine, of which I am editor, and my own personal fanzine, 'Dysentery Doherty'. It's all about me, and... stuff. Yeah, it's really good! You should all buy it! Now! It's way better than the rest of these average magazines the others have, especially that idiot Milano's.
ALYSSA: Mines is called 'Alyssa Milano Magazine For Girls' or AMMFG. It's got stuff to colour in and join the dots and spot the difference and really, really hard 'find the fluffy pink hat' puzzles. I really like it. It's so challanging.

There is silence as we wait for Holly to talk about her magazine, but she's too busy staring at the wall.

KT: Ahem. Miss Combs?
HOLLY: Sorry. Mine's is called 'Holly's Practical Woodwork and Wallpapering'
KT: Aren't you gonna tell us anything about it?
HOLLY: Umm... it's a magazine.
KT: Great. Holly would you deny the allegations that you are, in a word, a bore?
HOLLY: No, not really.
SHANNEN: Yawn.
BUCKO: Where'd Brain go?
JULIAN: Who cares? This sucks! Come on, come on hurry up I wanna go tend the wallabies!
ALYSSA: I have two horses.
SHANNEN: Ha! I have three! No... I have eighty-seven million!
ALYSSA: Why do you always have to be number one Shannen?
SHANNEN: Because I am number one!

Shannen jumps on Alyssa and begins pummeling her. Nobody does anything to prevent this. In fact, people actually begin to cheer and place bets. I gamble on Doherty. I make £7.

SHANNEN: Idiot.
HOLLY: Yeah Shannen you smashed her pretty good!
ALYSSA: Ohhh.
SHANNEN: Yeah. That goes for all of you! You piss me off, you get smashed!

I decide not to point out the fact that she said that before.

SHANNEN: End of conference.

I smirk at the other reporters, and jeer them because I was the one who the three females of Charmeded - well, two females and one gender debatable Doherty - chose to have a private interview with after the conference.

*****

We walk to a small interview room, I'm miles ahead because of the extreme shortness of the girls. I've already got a coffee and a nice pastry by the time they arrive in the room. Milano immediately bounds over looking stupid and grabs my pastry.

SHANNEN: Alyssa! Manners! If you gotta steal you gotta steal politely.

Shannen punches Alyssa. Shannen gently takes the coffee out of my hand. Thank god I spat in it. Ha ha. The girls sit down facing me. It's not the sight I was looking forward to seeing. Why did I agree to this?

HOLLY: Hi. So what the f*ck are you wanting to talk to us about?
KT: Can you please not swear?
HOLLY: Who's f*cking swearing? Besides, I'll f*cking swear when-f*cking-ever the f*ck I want to. Am I making my self perfectly f*cking clear?
KT: Crystal.
ALYSSA: She has a swearing problem. She can't stop. It's like her drinking.
HOLLY: Hey that's not a problem! It's a habit. And not all-
SHANNEN: Habits are bad, we know, we know.
HOLLY: Hey stop f*cking butting in b*tchass.
SHANNEN: Shut up woodblock. You've done your tough act now go back to staring at the walls.
ALYSSA: Once Shannen told me she liked me.
SHANNEN: I was very, very drunk. Plus, it was the first five seconds of my first meeting with you. I hadn't realised what a complete and total gimp you were.
ALYSSA: Oh that is such a lie!
HOLLY: Me and Shannen are best friends.
SHANNEN: Dream on doorframe.
KT: Alright will all of yous shut the f*ck up? For f*cks sake you keep talking a load of bullsh*t!
SHANNEN: Hey I don't take no orders from anyone!

I proceed in smashing Shannen. God she's such a boot!

KT: Now. I have to ask you some questions. They are very personal private questions, and will probably make you hella uncomfortable. Ready?
ALYSSA: I'm scared.
KT: What colour is your bedroom?
ALYSSA: PINK!
HOLLY: I had nice pine walls put on top of the plastering. My whole room is like a ship, in the way that it's made of wood.
SHANNEN: My bedroom is black.
KT: Have any of you ever tried to commit suicide?
HOLLY: Once I tried to kill myself by jumping into the wall... but all that happened was that my hernia popped back in. That was a good day.
SHANNEN: I've tried to kill other people, but never myself.
ALYSSA: I've slit my wrists countless times, hung myself loads, stabbed myself, held my head underwater... the list is endless!
KT: Who are you in love with?
SHANNEN: Holly.
HOLLY: Alyssa.
ALYSSA: You. I mean, Holly.

I realise that no one loves Shannen. She doesn't seem to notice though.

KT: Are any of you in gangs?
ALYSSA: Does the Pink Brigade count?
HOLLY: What?
SHANNEN: I'm in the YLT and the HollyginsTM. It's a play on words. Hooligins, Hollygins. Geddit? It's like a gang who are all evil and hooligins, but they all like Holly.
HOLLY: I'm getting the 'no' feeling...
KT: The YLT? Really? Which division?
SHANNEN: The Bams.
KT: Ha! I'm in The Mentals! I'm higher up than you!

Shannen gives me the biggest evils. I poke her in the eye. She doesn't seem to notice. In fact, I think it makes her vision better! I glance at my watch. I still have five minutes of questions to ask. Sh*t I can't think of anything to say!

KT: So...
SHANNEN: Are you attached to anyone at the moment?
KT: Um-
SHANNEN: Really? Me neither! Hey maybe we should hook-
KT: AH I HAVE A QUESTION NOW!

Thank god.

KT: What will happen in the next season of Charmeded? No - wait - will there be another season of Charmeded?
HOLLY: There will be another series, it's official now that Shannen doesn't abandon us til the end of series two.
SHANNEN: F*ck you. I did now *abandon* Charmed. It just sucked monkeys ass! Charmeded, I will stick with. Cos it's quality.
ALYSSA: I stuck with my wooly pink hats. I knew they'd come back into fashion!

KT, Shannen and Holly exchange looks. Yuck Shannen looked at me!

KT: So tell me about the cliffhanger!
SHANNEN: I die. So does Holly.
KT: I know, idiot. I want to know what happens after!
ALYSSA: Well Leo comes and-

Shannen has clamped her hand over the idiotic Milano's mouth. I never thought I'd feel grateful towards Doherty, but there's a first time for everything! I just couldn't take anymore of Alyssa'a homo squeaky voice alright?!?

SHANNEN: No comment.
KT: Och you suck monkeys!
SHANNEN: And what's wrong with that?

An unsettling silence sweeps the room. Well, I think that's been five minutes!

KT: Gotta go! Bye!
ALYSSA: No! Don't leave us with her! She hits us!
SHANNEN: Shut up you idiot!

I leave the room as I hear the thud of a table hitting flesh. Well, to be fair, I think Milano deserved it.

So it's the end of an era. Charmeded series one has officially come to an end, and now all we can do it wait and hope there is never another series. Ever. This has been KT for the Daily Raj signing out.