Winner and Still Champion
a fanfic by DeadeyeDave and Mr. Crash
A note from Deadeyedave and Mr. Crash: We don't own all the Nintendo
characters that
appear, such as Link, Mario, etc. They belong to whoever did create
them
(You know who you are), and we swear that we would put the little "R"
symbol after
the names, except that 1. We don't know how and 2. we are lazy. Okay,
_that's_
cleared up.
P. S. We think Navi is female, and if you disagree, please don't hesitate
to shut up, we
don't want to hear it.
We do own Aaron Seemas *cough* Samus Aran *cough* (We have a very limited
repartee). We needed a person who Samus would care about, as mercenaries
generally
don't develop strong feelings to anyone.
We were baffled as to who would start the second Super Smash tournament,
so from the depths of out perverted imaginations (Mostly Mr. Crash's),
we came up
with the Master, a.k.a. Ken Itche :)
A final note: You hay find our humor obscure, disgusting, obscene, insane,
ad nauseam.
You can feel free to write long, threatening letters to us, but bear
in mind we will not
read them.
***
Part Four: So close and yet...
***
I woke up next morning groggy. I stumbled into the kitchen and brewed
a pot of black
Hylian coffee. As I poured some in a cup, Zelda walked in wearing a
floor
length nightgown with the royal insignia.
"Well, look who's up! It's Mr. Sunshine!" she said with mock perkiness.
"You wanna see sunshine? Just wait a minute." I slugged the coffee and
picked up the
newspaper that had inexplicably materialized in front of me.
*SSB Tribune?*
*EXTRA EXTRA! MASTER IS GREAT!* I read.
Zelda saw my confused expression and walked over. I read the sub heading:
*Future Ruler Of Universe Makes Public Statement.* Zelda read over my shoulder.
*An unknown plane- Evil overmind Master made a public appearance yesterday,
proclaiming: "I'm really great. Sure, there are a lot of people who
are great, but I'm just
off the scale. I mean, when people see me, they whisper, 'Man! that
guy is really great!'
My greatness is so great that...*
"Go fig," Zelda muttered.
After a few minutes the caffeine kicked in.
"I....I....I'd b-b-better g-go now." I stuttered.
"Ooooooookay." Zelda looked speculative.
"M-m-maybe I'll get d-d-dressed."
"You do that." *giggle*
I vibrated my way up the stairs.
"Oh man I'm hyper, reallyreallyreally hyper..."
My violently shaking hand turned on the lamp in my bedroom.
"HyperhyperhyperhyperHYPERHYPER!"
***
I walked outside (dressed). The first thing that I noticed was that
a spotlight illuminated
the stadium to the north. I realized the tournament started today.
I also realized it started
in twenty minutes.
*Crap!*
I rushed inside. "Zellllllllllldaaaaaaaa! Hey! ZELDA!" No answer. *She
must be there
already.* I bolted for the stadium.
One problem presented itself: the stadium was a good 80 or 90 feet over my head.
"Hey!" I cried. "Let me in!"
A metallic, robotic voice said, "Identification:"
"Link" I said.
"........"
"Well?"
"Access granted."
A metal staircase descended from above.
"A staircase is being lowered for your convenience. Thank you for coming
and we hope..."
The voice slowed down and got lower.
"T o o o o... s e e e e e e e.......... y o o o o o o o o o o o o o
o o o o o o o
o o o o u..."
The voice was replaced with the sneering laugh of the Master. The staircase
ground to a
halt halfway down.
"Heh heh heh. Loser."
Thinking quickly, I fired my Longshot. It clicked and I was pulled up.
I
bolted inside.
What I saw took my breath away. A huge crowd of the purple polygon minions
of the
Master filled the seats. In the middle was a section reserved for all
my friends, who
were already there. In the center of the circular stadium was a huge
floating grassy
platform. Hovering above it was three similar platforms, only smaller
and arranged in a
triangle shape. It was decorated with candy canes, puffy pink stuff,
and a tree with a face
carved on it. Strange. I picked my way through the crowd and found
a seat labeled
"Reserved: Link." It was right next to Zelda.
I sat down and said hi to Zelda. I was about to say more when...
"Welcome!" a voice boomed. The crowds cheered.
"I'm the Master." The crowds cheered.
"And now, without further ado, I'd like to present our celebrity, here
today to sing the
Earth custom of the 'National Anthem,' _me!_" The crowds went wild.
There was a puff of smoke and there he was, floating over the ring.
The crowd fell into
an eerie silence. He opened his mouth.
"Gaaaaah!" I was blown over, onto my back, by the sound.
"OH _SAY_ CAN YOU _SEEEEEEEEEEE_,"
I clutched my ears.
"BY THE _DAWN'S_ EARLY _LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT_,"
I gritted my teeth to focus through the pain. Zelda was hunched over
and was biting her
tongue to keep from screaming. Not that it would have been heard over
"WHAT SO _PROUDLY_ WE _HAAAAAAAILED,_ AT THE _TWILIGHT'S_..."
***
"AND THE _ROCKET'S_ RED _GLAAAAAAAAAAARE,"
Samus and Aaron were surrounded by a soundproof force-field.
*Lucky.* I thought, referring to Aaron. Then came another defining blast:
"THE BOMBS _BURRRRRRRSTING_ IN _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR_,"
***
After a finale (You had to be there-No! wait! You don't _want_ to be
there!) the fight was
about to start.
From the left came a star with a pink blur on top. It bounced off the
field and
disappeared. Kirby waved and I cheered. From the right came a large
egg that hit the field
and began rocking. It split open to reveal the familiar green form
of Yoshi. On the giant
video screens appeared a symbol of a star and an egg. I knew these
well. These
represented an estimation of how much damage each fighter had. Both
read, obviously,
0%. They were unchanged from six years ago. Kirby and Yoshi shook hands
(claws) and
exchanged a few kind words of goodwill and sportsmanship.
"I'm gonna kick the green dino shit outta you!"
"Yoshi!" The hell you are, shrimp!>
The Master belted out the classic:
"LEEEEEEEEET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!"
A bell rang and the two cutest pugilists went at it like deranged chimps.
***
Yoshi got the first hit on him, a vicious tail swipe, but Kirby countered
with a series of
rapid punches. Yoshi recovered and leapt into the air, but Kirby countered
with
a brutal smash attack that sent Yoshi flying.
*Man,* I thought, *That is one bad-ass marshmallow!"
***
MEANWHILE IN HYRULE:
The king of Hyrule put his head in his hands. Who could have stolen
Princess Zelda from
out under his nose? (Figuratively.) he had dispatched a royal search
party to turn Hyrule
upside down, (figuratively again,) but they had no luck. How could
this happen?
IN KOKORI:
Saria sat sulking. How could he _do_ this to me? You'd think that people
got _more_
responsible when they got older, not _less_! Link's been gone for _three
days_! He said
he was coming to visit me in my special place in the Lost Woods (Remember?-Deadeye)!
That was 81 hours ago! He is getting a long and boring lecture for
this!
***
MUSHROOM KINGDOM:
Complete disarray were the only words to describe the scene. Koopas
and Goombas ran
rampant, fires burned, and swat teams were running around. Princess
Peach had been
missing for days, and where were Mario and Luigi? (Editor's Note: At
that exact second
they were eating peanuts and cheering for a well placed Smash Attack-Deadeye)
Theywere nowhere to be found.
The city lay in ruins.
***
A computer at the home of Samus Aran whirred. It had just completed
an eighty-mile
scanner sweep, and found no trace of its master.
***
Kirby glared. He was breathing heavily and bore the singe marks of explosive
eggs. One
eye was shut. I looked up at the huge screen, which registered 150%.
I wasn't worried,
however, because after each fight, the participants were healed. Yoshi
had a scar running
from his shoulder down the front of his body to his leg. It was crescent
shaped, which
meant that it was from a well-placed Final Cutter (Editor's Note: SSB
terminology.
Kirby's Up+B maneuver, known by many names but widely and officially
known as Final
Cutter-Mr. Crash) His tongue hung from the side of his mouth, tied,
in many places, into
knots.Yoshi lunged at Kirby in desperation. Kirby arrested the head-butt
by grabbing
Yoshi's head. But the force lifted him off of his feet and Yoshi charged
on. Yoshi
stopped, still in Kirby's headlock, inches from the edge.
Kirby lifted Yoshi up. He leaped up, so high I lost sight of them,
and then, still holding
Yoshi, he came screaming down...
_Off the edge._
The two plummeted down, but at the last minute, Kirby released Yoshi
from his grip. He
turned around and puffed madly towards the edge. He gripped the edge
with one hand in
time to watch Yoshi fall.
Seconds before Yoshi hit, he was stopped by a pillowy cloud. The Master
floated next to
him.
"Good," he said. "Very entertaining. But I'm afraid, Yoshi, that you've lost."
"Yoooshiiii..." Darn...>
Back on the platform, the Master had Kirby and Yoshi shake again.
"No hard feelings, right?"
YoYoYoshi Yo Yoshi! No! Besides, were all in this together, right?
We all want
to defeat this lunatic!>
"I heard that!"
The Master tried to lift Kirby's arm but he yelped in pain so he stopped trying.
*How could Kirby break his arm? Does he even have any _bones_? Oh well,
who cares!
He won! All right!*
The Master shot the same orange lightning and healed both fighters.
I piled out of the
stadium with everyone else. I saw Kirby outside.
"All right! Go Kirby!" I ran to my friend.
"Pikapi!" Brilliant!>
"Way to go!" said Zelda.
Kirby jumped into my arms.
"Yes. Very well played. Link will fight Bowser at three tomorrow."
I froze. I nearly dropped Kirby. I had no idea I’d be fighting so _soon_!
*Wait. Isn't Bowser...*
"Yes." The Master had decided to read my thoughts again. I deliberately
thought the
same thing that caused him to stop. He shuddered and repeated the
thought blocking motion.
*Bowser is a big turtle with spikes an...and eyebrows! There's no ****in'
_way_ I can beat him! No, wait. That's not the Link spirit! That's
not the Link style!
That's not the...*
"Link? Link? Come on! Everyone's left! Honestly, you're in a world of your own!"
Zelda giggled and dragged me home.
***
I had been in my bedroom all afternoon, thinking about my match with
Bowser. My
musing was interrupted by a knock. Zelda walked in and sat down beside
me.
"You're worried about something, aren't you?"
"Yeah."
"It's about the match, isn't it."
"Yes. I just don't think that..."
"Don't say that! I'm behind you all the way!"
*Huh?*
"I've known you for so long, I can't let you quit now! I care too much
about you! And I
know that you lo...care about me, too! So don't give up!"
"Zelda..." My mind short circuited. *Nyarrrgggghhhhh...Zelda..Talking...*
"Don't give up!" she repeated. "I'll be behind you no matter what! I'll
heal your wounds,
I'll help however I can, and I'll always be there for you!"
"Tha...thank you, Zelda."
"No, thank you, Link." She looked into my eyes. Her face was very close.
*Gurrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkk...gaaaaak...guuuuuuuuuuk...* My entire attention
was focused into
not flopping around on the floor having grand mal seizures.
"Zelda, I..." She waited to hear the inevitable.
*KNOCK KNOCK* "Hey, Link! C'mon, lets go to the party!"
"C...c...coming!"
I opened the door. Kirby dragged me off. I heard a fleeting call of
"Have fun!"
*Link...*
*Zelda...*
On the way to the party, I was totally in dream land ( Editor's Note:
So was Kirby...get
it?-Deadeye) I came to my senses when I walked into a tree.
***
I remember the party pretty well. At least, the _first_ part, anyway.
There was food,
drinking, music, drinking, and drinking. I remember that Kirby tried
to suck in three
mugs of beer on coasters, and did: and also sucked in my head and the
coaster. He spat
out my head and two coasters. One of the last things I remember was
Kirby and I singing
a song. It was an epic poem, beginning with:
OWhy do I divide and square,
When cosmic force does the inequalities,
In the Markov chain of fate,
Embrace pi's undying flair...
Everything after that is an incomprehensible blur.
***
I woke up the next morning not hung over, but more overly _confused_.
First I noticed
that I was surrounded by green spiky things. I concluded that this
was probably not
normal. Next I was on the ground and covered in dirt. Also:
*Hmm. Headache, nausea...*
I ran a silent movie in my mind. It was entitled: Link's Night Out.
Link goes to party.-SCENE MISSING-Link sings about tensor algebra.-SCENE
MISSING-Link accepts a Pulitzer Prize on floating donut in front of
cheering crowd of
frogs-SCENE MISSING-Link dances with goat.-SCENE MISSING-SCENE
MISSING-The End.
*Hm. No help there.*
At length I realized something:
*I slept in the bushes! That explains EVERYTHING!*
I put it all together:
*Hmm, slept outside, amnesia, headache, fell slightly sick...Aha! I
got completely
hammered at the party last night! Link cracks the case!* I paused.
*Wait a minute. That's
_bad_.*
I struggled to my way out of the bushes. Eventually, Kirby walked up
to me. He gave me
a glass of water and three aspirin.
"I figured you'd be needing this. I know _I_ did." He walked off. I
swallowed the pills.
Much better.
Fox wandered by. "Hey, are you all right?"
"Yeah. I just need a shower and a strong cup of coffee."
Fox started chuckling. "You made a complete ass of yourself."
"So I gathered." I kicked a few pebbles as I surveyed my dirty and mangled tunic.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I can't remember a thing. What did I do?" I quickly bit my tongue.
I wished I hadn't said
that.
"If you really want to know...Well, for starters, you kept looking down
Samus's shirt..."
"Oh god..."
Fox noticed my shocked and ashamed expression.
"And, um...maybe you don't _want_ to hear the rest..." He thought a
bit, and a huge grin
spread across his face. He struggled to suppress laughter, but failed
miserably.
"BWA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA!!!! HA HA..."
I glared at him indignantly.
"He-he...Whoo...¦I gotta go... heh heh..." He walked off, clutching
his sides and
laughing quietly.
The ol' thought process kicked into action. A thought hit me the way
a cow is
hit by an oncoming train: *Oh no!!! What if I've hurt Zelda, or worse?!*
(Editor's note: If you've read Pokemon: Reunions and Resolutions (R
&R),
then you know what we're talking about-DeadeyeDave Heh, heh, heh...-Mr.
Crash)
I rushed inside. But fortunately, no long term harm had been done...probably.
True, she was a little worried over the minor detail that I have been
gone all night, but I
easily allayed her fear.
"Um...ya see, uh, I...had, to umm, battle evil, and...I mean, I fell
into a ditch,
and I...uh...got all dirty and broke my leg, and, uhh...had to wait
till morning to get
healed, uh, yeah, that's it, yeah!"
Oh well. She probably had a _pretty_ good idea of what I'd done all
along,
but she wasn'y _too_ mad. Just a lecture on responsibility, yadda yadda,
don't
get plastered and act like a total weirdo, blah balh blah...you could
almost _see_ the
concentric circles in my eyes. She walked off.
*What a moron. But it's part of his charm...his irrational, headstrong charm*
***
I thought long and hard about what Zelda had said yesterday. I can't
give up. I can beat
Bowser if I try hard enough. I had been thinking for so long, I didn't
even realize that it
was time to start for the match to start. Zelda came in, and sat down
on my bed.
"Don't worry.", she said. "Just put your mind to it."
I gave her a determined look, but then smiled. She smiled back, and
clasped
my hands to her own.
"Ill always be there for you. Don't give up. You never have before."
She embraced me and put her head on my shoulder. Wow. We sat like this in silence.
"I have to go.", I said, breaking the silence.
"I'll be there for you! And remember: Never lose hope until all hope
is lost!"
I looked blank. "But if I never lose hope until all hope is lost, then
it is
impossible..."
"I know! Gotcha!" We laughed together for a while, and then I left.
I walked toward the
stadium, completely lost in thought.
***
"Do I _really_ have to do this?", I lamented.
"Quiet! I will ask the questions!", the Master snapped.
"Fine." I was referring to how I would have to make my entrance to the
fight. I would
drift down to the platform, surrounded by blue light, and blue fog.
It was going to be _so_
humiliating.
"And remember," the Master sneered, "never lose hope until all hope
is lost!"
*How...why...HEY!!!*
"You've been spying on us!!!!", I screamed.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
I could only stare at him with hatred. I couldn't challenge him, because
he was too
strong! Now all that was left was to wait for the fight to start.
End Part Four
