Winner and Still Champion
a fanfic by DeadeyeDave and Mr. Crash
A note from Deadeyedave and Mr. Crash: We don't own all the Nintendo
characters that
appear, such as Link, Mario, etc. They belong to whoever did create
them
(You know who you are), and we swear that we would put the little "R"
symbol after
the names, except that 1. We don't know how and 2. we are lazy. Okay,
_that's_
cleared up.
P. S. We think Navi is female, and if you disagree, please don't hesitate
to shut up, we
don't want to hear it.
We do own Aaron Seemas *cough* Samus Aran *cough* (We have a very limited
repartee). We needed a person who Samus would care about, as mercenaries
generally
don't develop strong feelings to anyone.
We were baffled as to who would start the second Super Smash tournament,
so from the depths of out perverted imaginations (Mostly Mr. Crash's),
we came up
with the Master, a.k.a. Ken Itche :)
A final note: You may find out humor obscure, disgusting, obscene, insane,
ad nauseam.
Feel free to write long, threatining letters to us, but bear in mind
we will not read them.
***
Part Six: Bonding
I walked up the hill towards the crystal towers. I had decided to train
in the
'all-around' chamber, where they tested your skills on every level.
Rumor has it that it is
some kind of obstacle course. I saw Fox and called to him.
"Hey! Fox! Come train with me!"
"Where are you going?"
"I'm training in the all around chamber! It should be good."
"Alright, I'll come."
We stepped into the room and closed the door. I saw it was similar to
the speed
training room. But I didn't have much time to admire the decor. The
door I had come in
through was suddenly barred by a shield of metal. The door across the
room was also
barred. Three hatches opened in the ceiling and three robotic balls
appeared. They
hovered briefly, then flew at us.
I dodged two and hit the third. Fox hit the others. They dropped to
the floor. But that was
just the beginning.
***
THREE HOURS LATER:
There were now about 50 or 60 of the balls in the room. Fox was bleeding
and I had
lacerations on my face. I looked across the room. A good twenty or
thirty of the balls
were coming at Fox. When I saw his peril, something snapped. Without
thinking, I hurled
myself in front of them. Then, in a blind rage, I went all out. I could
barely see, but I
somehow knew where to strike. The balls continued to fly, but I felt
I had limitless
energy. At last, the final robot ball flew towards me. I swung back
and forward as hard as
possible. But it seemed unharmed. Then I saw a thin line across it.
It paused briefly, then
exploded.
I panted heavily, but sighed with relief as I saw the door to the next
room open. I dropped
heavily to my knees.
***
MEANWHILE:
Zelda walked about town. She was bored with shopping. She had decided
that everyone's
color scheme was all wrong. So, she had bought everyone new outfits.
For Link she had
gotten red, blue and black tunics, for Fox a new uniform, and several
cans of spray paint
for Kirby. For Pikachu, she had gotten an array of colorful party hats.
She was about to
knock on the door to Pikachu's house.
"Hi!"
Zelda whirled around to see Kirby behind her. She greeted him warmly
and brought up
the spray paint. At first Kirby was reluctant to try, but he soon caved
in. First, Zelda tried
the green paint.
"Now you're sure this washes off, right?"
"Yes. Hold still." Zelda finished the last patch and gave Kirby a hand mirror.
"Oh gross! Green is not my color!"
After many a pleading look, Kirby agreed to try the blue paint. He was
much more
satisfied.
"Great! This is the best thing since sliced bread!" Kirby said. "And
thetoaster, which
optimizes your use of sliced bread!" he added. "And you can put butter
on it, and jam,
and peanut butter, and also you can have cereal. But no breakfast is
complete without..."
"What _is_ it with you and food?"
"See, here's my philosophy. If the goal of all creatures is to be happy,
and food makes
you happy, the more food you eat, the happier you are, and subsequently,
on the cosmic
scale, you are a higher rank. So I am the dominant creature in this
realm."
Zelda detected several flaws with this ideom but kept her thoughts to herself.
"I can easily include this ideal in everyday life. Watch." Kirby produced,
from nowhere
in particular, a large slice of devil's food cake, and ate it in one
bite.
"Thesh gap widensh!" he exclaimed, his speech slurred by the gobs of food. "Yesh!"
Zelda rolled her eyes.
"Worksh for me."
Kirby wandered off (it was lunchtime) and Zelda knocked on the door.
The man she
recognized as Ash opened the door.
"Hi, come on in." Then he blushed. "Sorry about last night. It's just..."
"It's all right." Zelda walked onward to find Misty and Pikachu sitting
at a low, Japanese
style table, eating. *Oh no, not them too!*
"Hi!" said Misty, mouth full. "What bringsh you here?"
"Pikachu!" remarked Pikachu.
"I had just gone out and I bought everyone new outfits. Here, these
are for Pikachu."
Zelda handed the bag to the happy Pokemon. He put on a green one.
"He likesh it," Misty said. She swallowed the food. "What have you got for me?"
Zelda looked blank. "Huh? You? I mean, I, uh, don't...I just got things
for the
fighters...I'm..."
"Ha ha! Got you!" Misty laughed. Zelda tried to look indignant but was
overcome by
laughter.
"Why don't you stay awhile?" Misty asked politely. "I've got some hot
tea and plenty of
_food_!"
Zelda refrained from rolling her eyeballs into the next state and said,
"Sure."
***
Later:
Zelda and Misty sat chatting. Misty sipped her tea. As she sipped, Zelda
noticed a
sparkle. Upon closer examination, it hit her...
"Oh....My....Oh my gosh!"
"Hmm?" Misty was startled. "What?"
"That's...a...you got married?!?!?"
"Mmm. Yes. I was going to tell you," said Misty nonchalantly, "But we were eating."
This went unnoticed. "That is...wha...how...who...you and...Ash?"
"No, me and Tracy. Yes Ash." Misty blushed slightly and giggled.
Right on cue, Ash stepped in, grinning like an idiot, stood there for
a while, and then,
without saying a word, wandered off. As one, Zelda and Misty rolled
their eyes. But
Zelda's shock remained.
"Why...That's wonderful...I don't know what to say..."
"It's all right. I'm glad you approve."
"I...I'm so happy...I...knew it was meant to be!"
"Yes, yes." Misty looked strangely irked.
"I...I...I...I..."
"HEY! SNAP OUT OF IT!"
"S...sorry..."
"I am too. But it's becoming a theme. It gets _really_ old, _really_ fast."
"Well...Wow...I don't what to say, I'm so happy for you..."
"Yeah, yeah."
"But what's important is: Are you happy?"
"Oh yes. Ash is going to start his own Gym, and he's already mortgaged
a
house in Pallet. Rumor has it he's sent his application for a position
in the Elite Four."
Misty smiled. "I'm so proud!"
"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, but I'm proud too!"
"Well, I'll explain..." Misty paused. "Uh...maybe you don't want to
hear the
explanation."
"Uh, yeah. So..." Zelda struggled to find a subject. "What you were
doing before you
were captured!" hinted Misty in a low voice.
"Oh! I know! What were you doing before you were captured? Yeah! That's
it!"
"Oh well, if you really want to know...We were on our honeymoon!"
"Whoa! Now THAT was unexpected!" *Whoops...Big mistake! Correct the
situation...NOW!*
"Err...Uh...I mean, how romantic!"
"Yeah, we were at Cianwood City, and Ash knows how much I love water
and stuff. We
took a luxury cruse, and a tour of the Whirlpool Islands, and had a
honeymoon suite! It
was GREAT!"
"That's very nice, I'd like to go there some time..." This comment was
completely
repelled and ignored, for Misty had launched into Deep Reminisce Mode
and crossed the
thin red line over the point of no return: there was no coming back.
"And there were water Pokemon everywhere, including some new ones I'd
never seen
before, and as a wedding present, I got a Totodile, and it's so cute
and..." She paused.
"Well, um, anyway, the point I was trying to make 60 or so words ago
is that we had
gotten some food, and we went to the beach to eat our food, and the
food was really
terrific...Hey, that reminds me, are you hungry? I made some delicious
_food_ for dinner!
I'm sure Ash won't mind if you stay for a while...Besides, there's
enough _food_ for at
least eight people!""
"Umm, well, I don't have anything better to do..."
"Wonderful! So anyway, after we had eaten our food, we were chatting
and watching the
waves break and the sun set, and it was so tranquil...until that Master
guy showed up,
made a few bad jokes about us, captured us and held us as prisoners!"
*Hold on. Beach...waves...sun...Magicarp...talking...black balls...*
"Waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute. If it was _your_ honeymoon, then what was
Brock doing
there?"
"The what now?"
"Huh? You didn't hear? Uhh..." (Editor's note: Look at Part Two carefully-Deadeye)
"But...but..."
"Pikachu said..."
"_Pikachu_ said? How did you hear?"
A light bulb went on. "Oooooooooh! Don't you have one of these things?"
Zelda stuck
her finger in her ear and pulled out a tiny electronic device, resembling
a hearing aid.
"What is that?"
"When I was captured, the Master stuck this in my ear, and said it was
a translator that
would allow us to talk with each other! Didn't you get one?"
"Uhh...no..."
Just then, Ash walked in. "Oh, I found this a few days ago in a box
with a bunch of labels
on it saying stuff like, 'Very important' and 'It is imperative that
you open this box
immediately.' Just thought you should know."
Misty slapped her face to see that it was the same device as the one
Zelda had. She put it
in her ear.
"Have you ever tried talking with Donkey Kong?"
"Uh, no..."
"Well, that's good, 'cause if you did, you couldn't understand a word
he's saying without
these babies!" Zelda slipped the translator into her ear again.
"Wait. What did you say about...."
"Oh that? Well, Pikachu said that Brock was spying on you while you
were on the beach.
I don't know how he got there without you finding out..."
"WHAT???????"
"Oh, well, I guess it's not that big of a deal. I just thought that
itwould be a little
awkward to have guests on a honeymoon, ya know, what with all the sex
and all..."
"Brock...did WHAT?!?!?!?!?"
"Um..." Zelda finally realized that Misty was angry. *Oh no...*
"OH MY GOD! I AM GOING TO KILL HIM! RAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" The
legendary dormant wrath of Misty had been released. The sleeper had
awakened. Let the hevens tremble.
It was at that moment Zelda noticed that all the hair on Misty's head,
including eyebrows,
had turned gold, the ground was shaking, and her pupils were turquoise.
(Editor's Note To People With No Sense Of Perception: This is hyperbole.
It is not really happening.)
(Editor's note to the people with the intelligence the God gave a boll
weevil: This is yet
another reference to an obscure pop-culture icon, namely, Dragon Ball
Z. If you don't
understand just ignore it. This will probably happen a lot.)
"DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! I AM GOING TO RIP HIM LIMB FROM LIMB! I
WILL TEAR OUT HIS EYEBALLS AND FEED THEM TO A GARYDOS! I'LL RIP
OFF HIS TONGUE WITH A PAIR OF GARDEN SHEARS AND USE IT TO PAINT
THE ENTIRE CERULEAN CITY GYM!" Misty ran into the kitchen, grabbed
a huge
steak knife, and sprinted off down the street.
Ash burst in. "Oh no, not again! We've got to catch her!" Ash, Pikachu
and Zelda bolted
off.
***
Fox and I gaped at each other. We had finally reached the last room
of the training
course. It was unbelievable. We first had to climb a mountain, slide
down a rope and
avoid falling into the bubbling magma below. Then there was a minefield,
a maze, a
swim, and finally a huge swinging pendulum with razor-sharp edges that
swung back and
forth in front of the last door, which led to the outside.
"Well, we'd better get started. Stick close to me and watch out for traps," I warned.
"Gotcha. Stay on your toes, watch out, traps are everywhereeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"
I leapt across and tackled Fox moments before a huge spear would've
impaled him.
"I think I see what you mean."
We began the track up the mountain, but about halfway up, a huge avalanche
of flaming
rocks hailed from above. On the other side, we slid down the rope without
any problems.
Next we had to cross a minefield. This was simple enough: I threw a
couple of Bombchus
to do a controlled detonation. It worked well. The hard part was the
maze. If you took a
dead end, a polygon would appear and chase you. There were also bottomless
pits, bear
traps, poison darts, etc. At the end, we swam through a pond infested
with all kinds of
horrible stuff, which I won't go into here. At last, bruised, bleeding,
and soaking wet with
pond scum clinging to our clothes, we had reached the pendulum. Fox
got across, but the
door would only open if all the participants were there. So I ran across,
but in my hurry to
get across, I forgot all about timing...the pendulum hurtled at me...only
a split second
separated life and death...
***
After a wild and dangerous (not to mention high-voltage) chase, Misty
was subdued. She
sat hunched over a cup of strong coffee, shaking uncontrollably. Her
raving threats grew
weaker and weaker.
"I...I'm g...gonna strangle him with a b...big garden hose...I...I'll
beat him into submission
with a potted plant...I'll impale him with a fork..."
"I think she'll be all right now."
"I'm gonna jam a tuna fish up his nasal passages..." Misty paused. There
was an audible
snapping sound. "Let's go eat dinner!" she exclaimed brightly.
As Zelda and Ash walked to the kitchen, Ash muttered, under his breath,
"You think this
is nuts? Try living with her!"
"_EXCUSE_ ME???"
"Ur, nothing...Lets eat now..."
***
I was worried. What would Zelda think if I came home soaking wet and
with a slash in
the new tunic she'd bought me? Facing the music, I opened the door
to our house. With a
sigh of relief I realized she wasn't home. I quickly took of my tunic,
washed it, and put
on a different one. Phew. I set myself to finding her.
***
After much searching, I had deduced it to Pikachu's house. The door
was open wide, so I
walked in to find Zelda, Ash, Misty and Pikachu finishing dinner.
"Hi! Where have you been?" asked Zelda.
"Training with Fox. Not easy."
"Oh! Was it beneficial?"
"Uh, yeah. Sort of a male bonding thing."
"Of course. We bond by sharing insights and probing deeply into the
human psyche, and
_you_ bond by risking life and limb for no apparent reason."
"Works for me. Come on, let's go home."
End Part 6
