Super Smash Brothers:
Winner and Still Champion
a fanfic by DeadeyeDave and Mr. Crash
A note from Deadeyedave and Mr. Crash: We don't own all the Nintendo characters that
appear, such as Link, Mario, etc. They belong to whoever did create them
(You know who you are), and we swear that we would put the little "R" symbol after
the names, except that 1. We don't know how and 2. we are lazy. Okay, _that's_
cleared up.
P. S. We think Navi is female, and if you disagree, please don't hesitate to shut up, we
don't want to hear it.
We do own Aaron Seemas *cough* Samus Aran *cough* (We have a very limited
repartee). We needed a person who Samus would care about, as mercenaries generally
don't develop strong feelings to anyone.
We were baffled as to who would start the second Super Smash tournament,
so from the depths of out perverted imaginations (Mostly Mr. Crash's), we came up
with the Master, a.k.a. Ken Itche :)
A final note: You may find out humor obscure, disgusting, obscene, insane, ad nauseam.
Feel free to write long, threatining letters to us, but bear in mind we will not read them.
***
Part Seven: Surprise
***
I awoke next morning refreshed and ready for battle. The effects of the training course
were beginning to show, and I waited eagerly for my match with Jigglypuff. After
breakfast, Zelda announced that Misty and her had planned a party for after the match. I
was invited and of course I accepted. At last it was time to go to the battle.
***
When the match began, I felt confident, and that feeling never left me. I dodged the
attacks with ease, and managed many good attacks. Jugglypuff was helpless. Her damage
was near 200% and I was ready to move in for the kill. I withdrew my sword.
But at the last second before my deadly finisher struck, I was hit by a glancing blow to
the face. The damage registered: 5%. But I spoke not a word. I stared at Jigglypuff. A
drop of blood trickled from the corner of my mouth. I silently pointed my sword to the
stands, my burning glare never wavering for a second. A hushed murmur rippled through
the crowd. All eyes were fixated on me. I wound up for a huge home run swing, and...
WHAM! Jigglypuff was sent tumbling over the horizon. My sword tip
followed the flight path.
"It's a high fly to deep right field, it could be, it might be, going, _going_..."
I raised the sword over my head and, gripping the sword with my fingers, twirled it
around. I slammed it back into place on my back in mid-spin.
"IT'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!"
The crowds burst into a spontaneous uproar.
I folded my arms. "And the crowd goes wild!" I said with satisfaction.
I tossed my sword into the stands and ran an imaginary base path.
***
The Master was in shock. No one, ever, in the long and glorious history of Super Smash,
had he ever seen _anyone_ come so close to a perfect victory. Never. The elfin warrior
was not to be underestimated. He would have to work hard to defeat this one.
But not too hard. Heh heh heh.
***
The victory party was utterly unbelievable. I had never, ever, in my entire life, seen such
a huge, wild and noisy group of people. There was everything you could possibly
imagine. Including one unwanted guest.
I was dancing with Zelda when a white blur flashed out of the corner of my eye. I froze.
"Huh? Link? What's wrong? Did you not like the food?"
"Z...Zelda...l...look behind you..."
A hushed murmur went through the crowd. People looked around in confusion. A pricing
scream broke the silence.
"Look!" shrieked Misty. "On the chandelier!"
All eyes were riveted on the ceiling, where I beheld the most monstrous apparition ever to
arise from the bowels of hell, a fiend of unimaginable magnitude, a hideous tormentor of
the damned, the lord of the unholy abysmal void of death, the most chilling and
blood-curdling creature ever to roam the face of the earth! It uttered a single word: One
that would plunge the room into pandemonium.
"Jigglypuff!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
***
"Huh...what..." I awoke to discover that I was still embracing Zelda in the dance.
*Good, we're still dancing. I wonder why it's so quiet and Zelda isn't moving. Oh well.
Wait, there's something cold and hard all over! What the heck's going on?*
I turned and looked around the room. There was a flat, hard thing that was parallel to my
body, but other then that, all the other things in the party room were the same...except...
*Hey! Everything's turned 90 degrees! What? Hmm, this situation calls for some
sleuthing. Let's see, this big, hard thing must have a name. It's...wait! Something's
registering! Something broad, ooooo, ooor, fooor, floor, floor! That's it! Floor! The floor
is what we stand on! O.K., I've got my bearings. But wait! Why am I _on_ the floor? Let
me try to stand up...*
I did. When I saw everyone asleep, I remembered.
"Oh no! It must have been angry about the fight! I've got to wake everyone up!"
After everyone had been awakened, the party went downhill. Everyone had to wash off
their faces and go home. I did too.
***
The next fight would be a new match. I wouldn't be fighting, which was a relief. The
fight was to be between Captain Falcon and Samus, so I knew I was in for some
fireworks. But with a full day off ahead of me, I looked forward to a relaxing vacation.
I had decided to devote the day to getting to know people better. I had no clue who any
members of the Star Fox team were, so I figured I'd start there.
I knocked at Fox's house, and entered into a dazzling array of lights, flashy
I-don't-know-what and all kinds of electronic gizmos. I get headaches just _discribing_ it.
I saw that there were five distinct rooms in the house. One was festooned in
oriental-looking, temple-like shrouds which gave the "wise man on misty mountaintop
with prophetic teachings" look. Next was a flashy, Vegas-looking place, (Editors note:
Out of meaningless coincidence, Vegas was the name of a swanky, flashy Gerudo
gambling strip in Gerudo Valley-Deadeye) with all kinds of lights and stuff. To the far
right was an odd looking door which reminded me of the doors in Kirby's house, except
that it was painted algae green and had a signs saying "Beware of Frog," "Who Let the
Frogs Out," and "It's a Frog-Eat-Frog World." To the front was a normal looking door. I
immediately deduced that this was Fox's room.
*Well, he was always the sane one...*
I tried the door nearest me, which was the misty mountaintop one.
The interior was fashioned much the same, with green fake moss, chirping crickets, and a
self-recycling babbling brook, which had an ingenious system that pumped water in a
continuous cycle, so the brook could babble as long as it wanted to. In the center sat a
large boulder and a smaller rock beside it. On the larger stone sat Peppy Hare (Editor's
note: DUUUUUUUUUUH!-Mr. Crash and Deadeyedave). He sat cross legged with his
eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. But in this posture, he somehow noticed me
enter.
"Welcome, young Link. Come and bask in the wealth of knowledge and take the path of
enlightenment."
*Whoa, creepy. Well...*
I unsteadily sat down on the small rock as I gazed up at him. He opened his eyes and
removed his fingers.
"What brings you to my domain? Do you seek guidance?"
"Um, no, Peppy, I just wanted to chat."
"Ahh yes, you grow fearful, young one. Evil abounds."
"Um, yeah..."
"Verily and forsooth, my child. Evil ones are afoot. There are tales of the black riders in
the north,"
"Hey, Peppy?"
"...Monsters abroad,"
"Hello?"
"...Danger abounds,"
"Shut up!"
"There is a dog in the manger,"
"HEY!"
"...A fly in the ointment..."
"HEY!!!!"
"A bee in my bonnet..."
Peppy's body went through several minor spasms.
"Oh, sorry. That happens when I meditate. I go all Confucius-like."
"Hey, um, I gotta go..."
"No! Wait! Let me show you my amazing powers! Pick a number between one and ten."
"Umm, okay...got it...Guess!"
"Well," he said, concentrating. "It's definitely divisible by one, and...probably an odd or
even number."
"That's a little broad, isn't it?" I rermarked sarcasticly.
"No, no. In business they call it gross prophet margin."
"Uhh, great. I'd better be going..."
Well, maybe I don't want to get to know everyone. Next I tried the door with the Vegas
stuff. Inside was more flashy stuff, and a large red bed with satin and rich looking velvet.
On it sat Falco Lombardi. He was reading a magazine. The cover read:
"Lust Hawk! Big color condors inside! Bird of the month: Krystal. Turn ons: Decaying
fleash. Turn offs: Poachers, oases."
After a while, Falco noticed me and sheepishly grinned.
"Uhh, some light, reading..."
"Yeah, sure."
"So, umm, what's up?"
"Oh, nothing. How 'bout you?"
***
Misty and Zelda had gotten together again for another brunch. With Link out, Zelda had
been invited. At Misty's, they enjoyed some tea and a light snack. Misty chatted away,
but Zelda looked strangely preoccupied.
"So," Misty said in a conversational tone, "how've you been?"
"Oh, fine." Zelda continued to stare absent-mindedly.
"What's wrong? You haven't touched your food."
"Oh, well..." She really wanted to tell someone, but her friendship with Misty
seemed...well, she didn't really trust her. But, then again, she was nice enough and she
obviously intended to be friends, and she had to tell someone...
"Aww, c'mon! You can tell me! What's wrong?"
Zelda had to say it. She felt like she'd explode if she didn't. Aw, the hell with it. Here
goes:
"Misty, I've only known you for a little while, but I know that you can keep a secret,
right?"
"Uhh, yeah..." *Sigh. Why is it always _me_ that has to dispense love advice? Well, she
needs me...*
"Do you have any advice about men?" A huge sigh escaped her lips. Finally!
Both women smiled. "I knew it! Of course!"
"Well..." Zelda was unsure. "What do you think about me and.............Link?"
***
Falco and I had been talking for a while, usual stuff. But I really had a different purpose
in mind...
"Falco...Wait a minute. I haven't known you for very long, but you seem like the right
person, and you look right, and...well..."
*Not again. I'm _always_ the one who has to dispense love advice...*
"Do you have any advice on women?"
"Ha! Everyone asks me that. I don't know why! Well, sure I can help you."
***
LATER:
"And here's something else, ya gotta fake sensitivity. They love that. Pretend to care.
And try to disguise you yawns as cries of grief and sympathy for their boring problems."
"Got it." I jotted down some notes on my notepad. It was out of paper, so I took out a
new one and added the old on the growing pile.
"Now, you need to...WHAT THE HELL?!?!" There was a loud metal scraping sound,
accompanied by a loud scream. Falco whipped out his blaster as I unsheathed my sword.
I heard a muffled voice:
"Ow, dammit! Stupid landing gear!" Falco and I looked at each other.
"All right, so you don't wanna work right, eh? Take this!" There was a muffled sound of
metal clanging.
"And this!" Metal clanging. "And this!" Metal clanging. "And this!" Metal... you get the
point.
"Fine. Piece of shit."
Falco and I exchanged glances again, when... Wham! The window to the bedroom
shattered to pieces and a figure leapt in.
"Ha!" it said. "Wasn't expecting THIS, huh?"
"Uh, actually..."
"Silence!" I took in a flight helmet, body armor, a leather jumpsuit, metal boots, and
gloves. The helmet was removed by a gloved hand. Underneath was...
What looked like a cat's head, but colored shockingly pink. The cat ran a hand through
her pink hair.
"Hi there, Flyboy, didja miss me?"
Falco grimaced. "Uhh, hi, Katt, haven't seen you in..." *Hmm. What was it, five days?*
"I knew it. 'You pine for me when I'm not near...'" said Katt, singing a Cornairian pop
song.
"What the heck's going on??" I yelled. "And what is it with you guys! You're all
animals!"
"Animals?? What are you talking about?" Falco said. "_You're_ the one who's an
animal! In fact, the Star Fox team is the only group of people here who _aren't_
animals!"
"Figures. But...how did you get here?"
"Ohh, that! I just integrated the transdimentional stabilizers with the demoliculizer that I
found under my couch."
"Wow! That's pure genius!" exclaimed Falco. He quickly shut his mouth. *Well, there's
a first time for everything...*
I was completely lost.
"Wait, if you have that, all we need to do is reverse the polarity of the warp drive and we
can all get home!"
"Uhh, actully, The Catspaw is kind of, well, a..." Katt gestured towards the window.
"...a flaming wreck." finished Falco.
"Well then, I guess I'm here to stay! Ms. Monroe, at yer service!" Falco slapped his face.
He began to eye possible exits.
"Well, um, I just remembered that, uh, well..." Falco was in trouble. I remembered
something, and pulled out my pocketwatch. I tapped it and hissed "The fight!"
"We've go to go to the fight! It starts soon!" Under his breath, Falco muttered, "Brilliant
save. I owe you."
"Well, great! I'd love to come!"
"Grrrr...um, sure..."
***
C. Falcon: 300%. Samus Aran: 300%. Gridlock. I calculated that a Falcon Punch or a
fully charged shot would be enough to kill either. And, coincidentally, here they came...
"Falcon..." He drew way, way back...But Samus beat him too it...
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There was a blinding flash of light, a huge noise like a slow explosion, and a long scream
of despair. But before the smoke and light cleared, there was no electrocuted figure flying
off into the air. An enraged Samus fired a series of rapid shots. Longer, longer...how
much more could he take? At long last, a weary Samus cease fire and waited. Slowly the
smoke parted to reveal the figure of Captain Falcon, with the same smug and confident
look on his face that I had come to know and love. But...Hey! Surrounding his body was
a red barrier.
*What the...*
Without a moment's pause, we rolled to his feet, hopped over Samus's head, and put her
in a headlock. He smirked.
"Falcon..." He released the headlock.
"PUNCH!"
***
Katt's armor fell to the floor with a resounding clang, revealing her skintight leather flight
suit. She sauntered over to the bed where Falco lay. With her hand gripping the zipper to
the suit, she sat down as well.
"Hey Flyboy, waddia think of these?" *Zzzzzzzzip.*
Falco's head reeled with passion and cheap beer. "Strap in, time for Falco's wild ride..."
***
A few minutes later, two heads emerged from the bed sheets. There was a knock on the
door, and in stepped...
"FALCO?!?"
Katt glanced at the Falco beside her, then at the one at the door. She blinked rapidly.
"What?" The Falco in bed had become wider and softer. She blinked again. Now it was
definite. The Falco was turning into a pillow.
"Stop turning into a pillow!" she cried.
"What are you talking about?" said the Falco in the doorway. Kat blinked once more. The
Falco _was_ a pillow. She looked around her. She was fully clothed, and was
passionately stroking the valor pillow beside her. She looked at the Falco in the door. He
snickered.
"I don't know what you were dreaming about, and maybe I don't want to, but I woke you
up to tell you that me and the boys are going to the bar and grill in town to celebrate
Captain Falcon's victory. See you later.
Kat flushed red under her pink fur. *Reality. What a gyp.*
***
Ash and I poked our heads into the door of the room where Misty and Zelda were
chatting. We announced that they would be out for a while.
***
Aaron walked out the door and called to Samus that he'd be going out for awhile and
didn't know when he'd be back.
***
"So then I says, 'No, that's my foot!'"
"BWAHAHAHA!" The of us collapsed onto the bar in laughter.
"Wait, I want to know something," I said. "How did you shield yourself from that blast!
You would have been dead meat!"
"Oh, well, I was going to tell you, but, well, no time like the present! Do you remember
last time, six years ago?"
"Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaah! I remember! I used the shield all the time! It was especially useful
during the fight with the Master Hand. But I can't remember how to use it..."
Captain Falcon pointed at his temples. "It's all in the mind. You've got to concentrate
very hard the first time, but when you get it something snaps and after that you can sort of
control it. This usually happens when you are under extreme pressure of in danger, where
there is no way to avoid it. But it gets easier every other time." He squinted and a red
haze surrounded him, which solidified into a barrier. "I'm getting the hang of it! You
try."
I concentrated as hard as he could, but to no avail. "I think I have to do that danger stuff."
"Hmm...I think I know just the thing!" Captain Falcon looked blank for a few moments,
then without warning he whipped out his gun and fired at me.
"Aargh!" I braced myself, preparing to feel blinding pain from a hole in his chest. I
opened his eyes and...
"What the..." Link blinked in surprise. "How did I..."
Captain Falcon gestured upward. There was a hole in the ceiling.
"Try to form a shield now."
I grimaced and a green mist formed around him. "Wow! I'm doing it!" As soon as I had
finished saying this, the haze vanished. "Hey!"
"You broke your concentration. Try again."
This time the mist hardened to form a solid green shield.
"After this time, it should be easier."
"Cool!" I exclaimed. "But...You could have killed me!!"
"And that's just the point. When you were cornered in the face of certain death, there was
no possible way to escape, the instincts that were enhanced to you six years ago are
awakened and the shield appears. It's an unconscious action that can't be stopped or
started."
"But why didn't it happen before? Like in a fight?"
"Right, Jigglypuff could have killed you and you would have subconsciously reacted?"
"Well, how about Bowser! He would have killed me!"
"But, you see, your conscious stream of thought had already made up a plan, so the shield
was needless."
"Ahhh..."
"Youse slobs wanna order yet?" the bartender inquired, startling us.
"Uhh, yeah," I said. "Four draft and, umm... you guys want anything else?"
"Naa."
"Nope."
"I don't think so."
"Okay then." The purple polygon Mario wearing a stained apron wandered off. I glanced
around the room. A few copies of Yoshi and Samus eating steaks at the tables, a few
Luigi's off in the corner, a Captain Falcon outside smoking a cigarette, and a drunken
Donkey Kong smashing furniture until he was subdued by bouncers.
*Well, I guess you could call it the usual... for here at least...* I turned back to find Aaron
and Falco inhaling their drinks.
***
Zelda approached the black object in front of her. She had never gotten the hang of these
'telephone' things, no matter _how_ convenient Misty said it was. With 'the boys' out for
the night, Zelda had offered to host a get-together for all the ladies. (You know, the party
thing where all the women get together and talk about floral arrangements and sell
Tupperware, and, I don't know, clean the toilets or something-DeadeyeDave)
*ring.*
*Hi, who's this?*
"Oh, yes, this is Zelda, and I was thinking that we could have a little get together. Is, uhh,
Fox out?"
*No, but Falco is. I can come though. Where?*
"My house. You know where, right?"
*Yep. See you soon.*
*Click.*
"Bravo!" applauded Misty. "That's the first time all day that you've used the phone
without dropping it or disconnecting it or something!"
"Yay. Who's next?"
"Umm, whoever lives at Captain Falcon's house."
"Okay..."
*ring ring. ring ring. ring ring....*
"C'mon, pick up you loser!"
*Click...*
"Huh?"
*Hi. You've reached Captain Falcon. Captain Falcon isn't here to take your call, but if
you leave a message for Captain Falcon after the beep, Captain Falcon will get back to
you when Captain Falcon gets home. Captain Falcon over and out. BEEP!*
"Umm, yeah, this is..." began Zelda.
"No! Wait! There's no women at his house! His 'prisoner' is his _car_!"
Zelda and Misty looked at each other.
*Typical.*
***
Captain Falcon chugged his fourth mug and replaced it unsteadily back on the counter.
Link stared at his third and then over at Falco and his second. Ash was also on his forth
and Aaron was finishing his second and reaching for a third. Link turned back and
drained his.
After a few minutes everyone was even in the bingeing competition because Captain
Falcon and Ash got into an argument about the meaning of life.
"I say its the F-Zero championships, ya idiot!"
"No, it's beating the Elite Four, ya jerk!"
After a mutual agreement between the two that racing and Pokemon were both legitimate
reasons for the meaning of existence, everyone decided another round of drinks were in
order.
***
"Dinner is served!" Samus placed a delicious-looking roast down in the middle if the
table.
"Awesome! Who knew you could bake a roast so well." complimented Zelda.
"Oh well, I have my ways..." Samus nervously eyed the flame-thrower in the kitchen.
"Wow! That looks great!" said Katt eagerly. "Of course, I'm always used to eating
freeze-dried food and dehydrated water..."
"Dehydrated _water_???"
"Ohh, um...the specs are rather confusing... but it can be reduced to this: Instant water,
just add hot coffee."
"Uh, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...."
"So, uh...let's eat!"
"I hope the boys are having as much fun as we are!"
***
A thought crossed Aaron's mind as he was downing his sixth. "Hey. Does Falco have a
shield?"
"Ohh, yeah." Falco reminisced. "Katt and I got in another argument and she threw a clock
at me. I shielded and she slapped me again."
"Oh man! I thought you were the ladies man!"
"Hey, shut up! She's a nuance."
"HAHAHA! Pathetic! What a loser!"
"Shut up!" Falco labored mightily to rise to his feet. "Shut up!" he reiterated.
"Oh yeah??" Aaron endeavored to stand.
"Yeah!"
"Moron!"
"Idiot!"
"Jerk!"
"Dork!"
"Flit!"
"Wart!"
"Alright, that's it!" Aaron hefted the glass stein and hurled it at Falco. A cackling field of
electricity formed around Falco's body. The mug hit it and was deflected strait back at
Aaron's forehead. It shattered into tiny pieces.
Aaron paused. He was apparently trying to think. Several fat drops of blood oozed down
over his nose. A small shard was embedded in his head, which then fell out with a tiny
jing. A good five seconds after impact, he slowly, mechanically ducked down. Another
second later, his lips formed a syllable.
"Ouch," he said slowly and deliberately. He slowly stood up. He stared ahead for a few
excruciating more minutes, and then fell stiffly backwards. There was a dull thud. The
others roared with laughter.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" they roared, laughing. Ash wiped away a tear.
"That's what we call SLPRT."
"What?"
"Slowpoke Reaction Time!"
***
Dinner was long over, considering it was twelve midnight and none of "the boys" had
returned.
"What the hell happened to them?"
"I think I know..."
"Wait," said Zelda. "Maybe we've been the ones who've stayed too late! They're
probably already at our houses!"
"All right, let's go!" Everyone ran off in opposite directions.
***
Link slammed his eighth on the countertop with a heavy clang. "So's what's new?"
"Huh?" Ash concentrated as hard as possible. "What was that?"
"D'ya wanna rap some?"
"Whatsh that?"
"You know...talk wif your mouth..."
"Well...." Ash considered the many other possibilities, such as...well, who knows. Why
not?
"So what's the new topic?" he slurred.
"Ahh, well..." Link scratched the back of his head. "I got this real..." He paused, his
twelve or so functioning brain cells scurrying around in his hippocampus, trying to come
up with a word, and failing.
"...thingy for a girl..."
"Ahh, women. A woman is like this beer," Ash said, pointing in the drink's general
direction. "They look good, they smell good, and you'd wrestle a Machamp just to get
your hands on one!" Ash sniggered. "And that Zelda, man, she's a not half bad...Heh heh
heh..."
"What?!?"
There was a good fifteen minute pause, with Link trying to come up with a comeback
line, and Ash trying, for no reason, to determine just exactly _what_ ice cream flavor he
liked best.
*Hey, wait, doesn't he have that Misty chick...*
*Ya know, when it comes down to it, I really like vanillia.*
"Well...What if I tell Misty you said that!"
Ash recoiled and tried to think of a response. "Oh shit!" Then a strange emotion
overcame him. Anger.
"Why you little..." Ash took a huge windup, missed his mark by a good three feet and fell
to the floor.
*Snoreeeeeeeee.*
Link considered, on account of that he was the last one conscious, that it might be
prudent to head home for the night.
"Uhh, what do I owe you..."
"Ahh, well, um...that'll be...550 rupees."
Link emptied his wallet onto the counter.
"Keep the change." Link staggered out.
***
"No one was there!" Samus lamented.
"Falco still isn't home!"
"Nether is Ash!"
All four women looked at each other. As one, a thought crossed their minds.
*They're gonna live to regret this.*
Misty's hair started glowing gold again.
***
After another hour, there was a squeaking sound and disjointed footsteps. the door slowly
swung open.
Link stood outside. In front of him was a large wheelbarrow containing Captain Falcon
and Ash. Aaron was slung over one shoulder and Falco was tucked under the other.
"Here, you might want these back..." Amid shocked, speechless stares Link delivered the
semiconscious parcels to the feet of the respective women.
"Capt. Crunch and I sleep now..."
End Part 7
Winner and Still Champion
a fanfic by DeadeyeDave and Mr. Crash
A note from Deadeyedave and Mr. Crash: We don't own all the Nintendo characters that
appear, such as Link, Mario, etc. They belong to whoever did create them
(You know who you are), and we swear that we would put the little "R" symbol after
the names, except that 1. We don't know how and 2. we are lazy. Okay, _that's_
cleared up.
P. S. We think Navi is female, and if you disagree, please don't hesitate to shut up, we
don't want to hear it.
We do own Aaron Seemas *cough* Samus Aran *cough* (We have a very limited
repartee). We needed a person who Samus would care about, as mercenaries generally
don't develop strong feelings to anyone.
We were baffled as to who would start the second Super Smash tournament,
so from the depths of out perverted imaginations (Mostly Mr. Crash's), we came up
with the Master, a.k.a. Ken Itche :)
A final note: You may find out humor obscure, disgusting, obscene, insane, ad nauseam.
Feel free to write long, threatining letters to us, but bear in mind we will not read them.
***
Part Seven: Surprise
***
I awoke next morning refreshed and ready for battle. The effects of the training course
were beginning to show, and I waited eagerly for my match with Jigglypuff. After
breakfast, Zelda announced that Misty and her had planned a party for after the match. I
was invited and of course I accepted. At last it was time to go to the battle.
***
When the match began, I felt confident, and that feeling never left me. I dodged the
attacks with ease, and managed many good attacks. Jugglypuff was helpless. Her damage
was near 200% and I was ready to move in for the kill. I withdrew my sword.
But at the last second before my deadly finisher struck, I was hit by a glancing blow to
the face. The damage registered: 5%. But I spoke not a word. I stared at Jigglypuff. A
drop of blood trickled from the corner of my mouth. I silently pointed my sword to the
stands, my burning glare never wavering for a second. A hushed murmur rippled through
the crowd. All eyes were fixated on me. I wound up for a huge home run swing, and...
WHAM! Jigglypuff was sent tumbling over the horizon. My sword tip
followed the flight path.
"It's a high fly to deep right field, it could be, it might be, going, _going_..."
I raised the sword over my head and, gripping the sword with my fingers, twirled it
around. I slammed it back into place on my back in mid-spin.
"IT'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!"
The crowds burst into a spontaneous uproar.
I folded my arms. "And the crowd goes wild!" I said with satisfaction.
I tossed my sword into the stands and ran an imaginary base path.
***
The Master was in shock. No one, ever, in the long and glorious history of Super Smash,
had he ever seen _anyone_ come so close to a perfect victory. Never. The elfin warrior
was not to be underestimated. He would have to work hard to defeat this one.
But not too hard. Heh heh heh.
***
The victory party was utterly unbelievable. I had never, ever, in my entire life, seen such
a huge, wild and noisy group of people. There was everything you could possibly
imagine. Including one unwanted guest.
I was dancing with Zelda when a white blur flashed out of the corner of my eye. I froze.
"Huh? Link? What's wrong? Did you not like the food?"
"Z...Zelda...l...look behind you..."
A hushed murmur went through the crowd. People looked around in confusion. A pricing
scream broke the silence.
"Look!" shrieked Misty. "On the chandelier!"
All eyes were riveted on the ceiling, where I beheld the most monstrous apparition ever to
arise from the bowels of hell, a fiend of unimaginable magnitude, a hideous tormentor of
the damned, the lord of the unholy abysmal void of death, the most chilling and
blood-curdling creature ever to roam the face of the earth! It uttered a single word: One
that would plunge the room into pandemonium.
"Jigglypuff!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
***
"Huh...what..." I awoke to discover that I was still embracing Zelda in the dance.
*Good, we're still dancing. I wonder why it's so quiet and Zelda isn't moving. Oh well.
Wait, there's something cold and hard all over! What the heck's going on?*
I turned and looked around the room. There was a flat, hard thing that was parallel to my
body, but other then that, all the other things in the party room were the same...except...
*Hey! Everything's turned 90 degrees! What? Hmm, this situation calls for some
sleuthing. Let's see, this big, hard thing must have a name. It's...wait! Something's
registering! Something broad, ooooo, ooor, fooor, floor, floor! That's it! Floor! The floor
is what we stand on! O.K., I've got my bearings. But wait! Why am I _on_ the floor? Let
me try to stand up...*
I did. When I saw everyone asleep, I remembered.
"Oh no! It must have been angry about the fight! I've got to wake everyone up!"
After everyone had been awakened, the party went downhill. Everyone had to wash off
their faces and go home. I did too.
***
The next fight would be a new match. I wouldn't be fighting, which was a relief. The
fight was to be between Captain Falcon and Samus, so I knew I was in for some
fireworks. But with a full day off ahead of me, I looked forward to a relaxing vacation.
I had decided to devote the day to getting to know people better. I had no clue who any
members of the Star Fox team were, so I figured I'd start there.
I knocked at Fox's house, and entered into a dazzling array of lights, flashy
I-don't-know-what and all kinds of electronic gizmos. I get headaches just _discribing_ it.
I saw that there were five distinct rooms in the house. One was festooned in
oriental-looking, temple-like shrouds which gave the "wise man on misty mountaintop
with prophetic teachings" look. Next was a flashy, Vegas-looking place, (Editors note:
Out of meaningless coincidence, Vegas was the name of a swanky, flashy Gerudo
gambling strip in Gerudo Valley-Deadeye) with all kinds of lights and stuff. To the far
right was an odd looking door which reminded me of the doors in Kirby's house, except
that it was painted algae green and had a signs saying "Beware of Frog," "Who Let the
Frogs Out," and "It's a Frog-Eat-Frog World." To the front was a normal looking door. I
immediately deduced that this was Fox's room.
*Well, he was always the sane one...*
I tried the door nearest me, which was the misty mountaintop one.
The interior was fashioned much the same, with green fake moss, chirping crickets, and a
self-recycling babbling brook, which had an ingenious system that pumped water in a
continuous cycle, so the brook could babble as long as it wanted to. In the center sat a
large boulder and a smaller rock beside it. On the larger stone sat Peppy Hare (Editor's
note: DUUUUUUUUUUH!-Mr. Crash and Deadeyedave). He sat cross legged with his
eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. But in this posture, he somehow noticed me
enter.
"Welcome, young Link. Come and bask in the wealth of knowledge and take the path of
enlightenment."
*Whoa, creepy. Well...*
I unsteadily sat down on the small rock as I gazed up at him. He opened his eyes and
removed his fingers.
"What brings you to my domain? Do you seek guidance?"
"Um, no, Peppy, I just wanted to chat."
"Ahh yes, you grow fearful, young one. Evil abounds."
"Um, yeah..."
"Verily and forsooth, my child. Evil ones are afoot. There are tales of the black riders in
the north,"
"Hey, Peppy?"
"...Monsters abroad,"
"Hello?"
"...Danger abounds,"
"Shut up!"
"There is a dog in the manger,"
"HEY!"
"...A fly in the ointment..."
"HEY!!!!"
"A bee in my bonnet..."
Peppy's body went through several minor spasms.
"Oh, sorry. That happens when I meditate. I go all Confucius-like."
"Hey, um, I gotta go..."
"No! Wait! Let me show you my amazing powers! Pick a number between one and ten."
"Umm, okay...got it...Guess!"
"Well," he said, concentrating. "It's definitely divisible by one, and...probably an odd or
even number."
"That's a little broad, isn't it?" I rermarked sarcasticly.
"No, no. In business they call it gross prophet margin."
"Uhh, great. I'd better be going..."
Well, maybe I don't want to get to know everyone. Next I tried the door with the Vegas
stuff. Inside was more flashy stuff, and a large red bed with satin and rich looking velvet.
On it sat Falco Lombardi. He was reading a magazine. The cover read:
"Lust Hawk! Big color condors inside! Bird of the month: Krystal. Turn ons: Decaying
fleash. Turn offs: Poachers, oases."
After a while, Falco noticed me and sheepishly grinned.
"Uhh, some light, reading..."
"Yeah, sure."
"So, umm, what's up?"
"Oh, nothing. How 'bout you?"
***
Misty and Zelda had gotten together again for another brunch. With Link out, Zelda had
been invited. At Misty's, they enjoyed some tea and a light snack. Misty chatted away,
but Zelda looked strangely preoccupied.
"So," Misty said in a conversational tone, "how've you been?"
"Oh, fine." Zelda continued to stare absent-mindedly.
"What's wrong? You haven't touched your food."
"Oh, well..." She really wanted to tell someone, but her friendship with Misty
seemed...well, she didn't really trust her. But, then again, she was nice enough and she
obviously intended to be friends, and she had to tell someone...
"Aww, c'mon! You can tell me! What's wrong?"
Zelda had to say it. She felt like she'd explode if she didn't. Aw, the hell with it. Here
goes:
"Misty, I've only known you for a little while, but I know that you can keep a secret,
right?"
"Uhh, yeah..." *Sigh. Why is it always _me_ that has to dispense love advice? Well, she
needs me...*
"Do you have any advice about men?" A huge sigh escaped her lips. Finally!
Both women smiled. "I knew it! Of course!"
"Well..." Zelda was unsure. "What do you think about me and.............Link?"
***
Falco and I had been talking for a while, usual stuff. But I really had a different purpose
in mind...
"Falco...Wait a minute. I haven't known you for very long, but you seem like the right
person, and you look right, and...well..."
*Not again. I'm _always_ the one who has to dispense love advice...*
"Do you have any advice on women?"
"Ha! Everyone asks me that. I don't know why! Well, sure I can help you."
***
LATER:
"And here's something else, ya gotta fake sensitivity. They love that. Pretend to care.
And try to disguise you yawns as cries of grief and sympathy for their boring problems."
"Got it." I jotted down some notes on my notepad. It was out of paper, so I took out a
new one and added the old on the growing pile.
"Now, you need to...WHAT THE HELL?!?!" There was a loud metal scraping sound,
accompanied by a loud scream. Falco whipped out his blaster as I unsheathed my sword.
I heard a muffled voice:
"Ow, dammit! Stupid landing gear!" Falco and I looked at each other.
"All right, so you don't wanna work right, eh? Take this!" There was a muffled sound of
metal clanging.
"And this!" Metal clanging. "And this!" Metal clanging. "And this!" Metal... you get the
point.
"Fine. Piece of shit."
Falco and I exchanged glances again, when... Wham! The window to the bedroom
shattered to pieces and a figure leapt in.
"Ha!" it said. "Wasn't expecting THIS, huh?"
"Uh, actually..."
"Silence!" I took in a flight helmet, body armor, a leather jumpsuit, metal boots, and
gloves. The helmet was removed by a gloved hand. Underneath was...
What looked like a cat's head, but colored shockingly pink. The cat ran a hand through
her pink hair.
"Hi there, Flyboy, didja miss me?"
Falco grimaced. "Uhh, hi, Katt, haven't seen you in..." *Hmm. What was it, five days?*
"I knew it. 'You pine for me when I'm not near...'" said Katt, singing a Cornairian pop
song.
"What the heck's going on??" I yelled. "And what is it with you guys! You're all
animals!"
"Animals?? What are you talking about?" Falco said. "_You're_ the one who's an
animal! In fact, the Star Fox team is the only group of people here who _aren't_
animals!"
"Figures. But...how did you get here?"
"Ohh, that! I just integrated the transdimentional stabilizers with the demoliculizer that I
found under my couch."
"Wow! That's pure genius!" exclaimed Falco. He quickly shut his mouth. *Well, there's
a first time for everything...*
I was completely lost.
"Wait, if you have that, all we need to do is reverse the polarity of the warp drive and we
can all get home!"
"Uhh, actully, The Catspaw is kind of, well, a..." Katt gestured towards the window.
"...a flaming wreck." finished Falco.
"Well then, I guess I'm here to stay! Ms. Monroe, at yer service!" Falco slapped his face.
He began to eye possible exits.
"Well, um, I just remembered that, uh, well..." Falco was in trouble. I remembered
something, and pulled out my pocketwatch. I tapped it and hissed "The fight!"
"We've go to go to the fight! It starts soon!" Under his breath, Falco muttered, "Brilliant
save. I owe you."
"Well, great! I'd love to come!"
"Grrrr...um, sure..."
***
C. Falcon: 300%. Samus Aran: 300%. Gridlock. I calculated that a Falcon Punch or a
fully charged shot would be enough to kill either. And, coincidentally, here they came...
"Falcon..." He drew way, way back...But Samus beat him too it...
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There was a blinding flash of light, a huge noise like a slow explosion, and a long scream
of despair. But before the smoke and light cleared, there was no electrocuted figure flying
off into the air. An enraged Samus fired a series of rapid shots. Longer, longer...how
much more could he take? At long last, a weary Samus cease fire and waited. Slowly the
smoke parted to reveal the figure of Captain Falcon, with the same smug and confident
look on his face that I had come to know and love. But...Hey! Surrounding his body was
a red barrier.
*What the...*
Without a moment's pause, we rolled to his feet, hopped over Samus's head, and put her
in a headlock. He smirked.
"Falcon..." He released the headlock.
"PUNCH!"
***
Katt's armor fell to the floor with a resounding clang, revealing her skintight leather flight
suit. She sauntered over to the bed where Falco lay. With her hand gripping the zipper to
the suit, she sat down as well.
"Hey Flyboy, waddia think of these?" *Zzzzzzzzip.*
Falco's head reeled with passion and cheap beer. "Strap in, time for Falco's wild ride..."
***
A few minutes later, two heads emerged from the bed sheets. There was a knock on the
door, and in stepped...
"FALCO?!?"
Katt glanced at the Falco beside her, then at the one at the door. She blinked rapidly.
"What?" The Falco in bed had become wider and softer. She blinked again. Now it was
definite. The Falco was turning into a pillow.
"Stop turning into a pillow!" she cried.
"What are you talking about?" said the Falco in the doorway. Kat blinked once more. The
Falco _was_ a pillow. She looked around her. She was fully clothed, and was
passionately stroking the valor pillow beside her. She looked at the Falco in the door. He
snickered.
"I don't know what you were dreaming about, and maybe I don't want to, but I woke you
up to tell you that me and the boys are going to the bar and grill in town to celebrate
Captain Falcon's victory. See you later.
Kat flushed red under her pink fur. *Reality. What a gyp.*
***
Ash and I poked our heads into the door of the room where Misty and Zelda were
chatting. We announced that they would be out for a while.
***
Aaron walked out the door and called to Samus that he'd be going out for awhile and
didn't know when he'd be back.
***
"So then I says, 'No, that's my foot!'"
"BWAHAHAHA!" The of us collapsed onto the bar in laughter.
"Wait, I want to know something," I said. "How did you shield yourself from that blast!
You would have been dead meat!"
"Oh, well, I was going to tell you, but, well, no time like the present! Do you remember
last time, six years ago?"
"Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaah! I remember! I used the shield all the time! It was especially useful
during the fight with the Master Hand. But I can't remember how to use it..."
Captain Falcon pointed at his temples. "It's all in the mind. You've got to concentrate
very hard the first time, but when you get it something snaps and after that you can sort of
control it. This usually happens when you are under extreme pressure of in danger, where
there is no way to avoid it. But it gets easier every other time." He squinted and a red
haze surrounded him, which solidified into a barrier. "I'm getting the hang of it! You
try."
I concentrated as hard as he could, but to no avail. "I think I have to do that danger stuff."
"Hmm...I think I know just the thing!" Captain Falcon looked blank for a few moments,
then without warning he whipped out his gun and fired at me.
"Aargh!" I braced myself, preparing to feel blinding pain from a hole in his chest. I
opened his eyes and...
"What the..." Link blinked in surprise. "How did I..."
Captain Falcon gestured upward. There was a hole in the ceiling.
"Try to form a shield now."
I grimaced and a green mist formed around him. "Wow! I'm doing it!" As soon as I had
finished saying this, the haze vanished. "Hey!"
"You broke your concentration. Try again."
This time the mist hardened to form a solid green shield.
"After this time, it should be easier."
"Cool!" I exclaimed. "But...You could have killed me!!"
"And that's just the point. When you were cornered in the face of certain death, there was
no possible way to escape, the instincts that were enhanced to you six years ago are
awakened and the shield appears. It's an unconscious action that can't be stopped or
started."
"But why didn't it happen before? Like in a fight?"
"Right, Jigglypuff could have killed you and you would have subconsciously reacted?"
"Well, how about Bowser! He would have killed me!"
"But, you see, your conscious stream of thought had already made up a plan, so the shield
was needless."
"Ahhh..."
"Youse slobs wanna order yet?" the bartender inquired, startling us.
"Uhh, yeah," I said. "Four draft and, umm... you guys want anything else?"
"Naa."
"Nope."
"I don't think so."
"Okay then." The purple polygon Mario wearing a stained apron wandered off. I glanced
around the room. A few copies of Yoshi and Samus eating steaks at the tables, a few
Luigi's off in the corner, a Captain Falcon outside smoking a cigarette, and a drunken
Donkey Kong smashing furniture until he was subdued by bouncers.
*Well, I guess you could call it the usual... for here at least...* I turned back to find Aaron
and Falco inhaling their drinks.
***
Zelda approached the black object in front of her. She had never gotten the hang of these
'telephone' things, no matter _how_ convenient Misty said it was. With 'the boys' out for
the night, Zelda had offered to host a get-together for all the ladies. (You know, the party
thing where all the women get together and talk about floral arrangements and sell
Tupperware, and, I don't know, clean the toilets or something-DeadeyeDave)
*ring.*
*Hi, who's this?*
"Oh, yes, this is Zelda, and I was thinking that we could have a little get together. Is, uhh,
Fox out?"
*No, but Falco is. I can come though. Where?*
"My house. You know where, right?"
*Yep. See you soon.*
*Click.*
"Bravo!" applauded Misty. "That's the first time all day that you've used the phone
without dropping it or disconnecting it or something!"
"Yay. Who's next?"
"Umm, whoever lives at Captain Falcon's house."
"Okay..."
*ring ring. ring ring. ring ring....*
"C'mon, pick up you loser!"
*Click...*
"Huh?"
*Hi. You've reached Captain Falcon. Captain Falcon isn't here to take your call, but if
you leave a message for Captain Falcon after the beep, Captain Falcon will get back to
you when Captain Falcon gets home. Captain Falcon over and out. BEEP!*
"Umm, yeah, this is..." began Zelda.
"No! Wait! There's no women at his house! His 'prisoner' is his _car_!"
Zelda and Misty looked at each other.
*Typical.*
***
Captain Falcon chugged his fourth mug and replaced it unsteadily back on the counter.
Link stared at his third and then over at Falco and his second. Ash was also on his forth
and Aaron was finishing his second and reaching for a third. Link turned back and
drained his.
After a few minutes everyone was even in the bingeing competition because Captain
Falcon and Ash got into an argument about the meaning of life.
"I say its the F-Zero championships, ya idiot!"
"No, it's beating the Elite Four, ya jerk!"
After a mutual agreement between the two that racing and Pokemon were both legitimate
reasons for the meaning of existence, everyone decided another round of drinks were in
order.
***
"Dinner is served!" Samus placed a delicious-looking roast down in the middle if the
table.
"Awesome! Who knew you could bake a roast so well." complimented Zelda.
"Oh well, I have my ways..." Samus nervously eyed the flame-thrower in the kitchen.
"Wow! That looks great!" said Katt eagerly. "Of course, I'm always used to eating
freeze-dried food and dehydrated water..."
"Dehydrated _water_???"
"Ohh, um...the specs are rather confusing... but it can be reduced to this: Instant water,
just add hot coffee."
"Uh, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...."
"So, uh...let's eat!"
"I hope the boys are having as much fun as we are!"
***
A thought crossed Aaron's mind as he was downing his sixth. "Hey. Does Falco have a
shield?"
"Ohh, yeah." Falco reminisced. "Katt and I got in another argument and she threw a clock
at me. I shielded and she slapped me again."
"Oh man! I thought you were the ladies man!"
"Hey, shut up! She's a nuance."
"HAHAHA! Pathetic! What a loser!"
"Shut up!" Falco labored mightily to rise to his feet. "Shut up!" he reiterated.
"Oh yeah??" Aaron endeavored to stand.
"Yeah!"
"Moron!"
"Idiot!"
"Jerk!"
"Dork!"
"Flit!"
"Wart!"
"Alright, that's it!" Aaron hefted the glass stein and hurled it at Falco. A cackling field of
electricity formed around Falco's body. The mug hit it and was deflected strait back at
Aaron's forehead. It shattered into tiny pieces.
Aaron paused. He was apparently trying to think. Several fat drops of blood oozed down
over his nose. A small shard was embedded in his head, which then fell out with a tiny
jing. A good five seconds after impact, he slowly, mechanically ducked down. Another
second later, his lips formed a syllable.
"Ouch," he said slowly and deliberately. He slowly stood up. He stared ahead for a few
excruciating more minutes, and then fell stiffly backwards. There was a dull thud. The
others roared with laughter.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" they roared, laughing. Ash wiped away a tear.
"That's what we call SLPRT."
"What?"
"Slowpoke Reaction Time!"
***
Dinner was long over, considering it was twelve midnight and none of "the boys" had
returned.
"What the hell happened to them?"
"I think I know..."
"Wait," said Zelda. "Maybe we've been the ones who've stayed too late! They're
probably already at our houses!"
"All right, let's go!" Everyone ran off in opposite directions.
***
Link slammed his eighth on the countertop with a heavy clang. "So's what's new?"
"Huh?" Ash concentrated as hard as possible. "What was that?"
"D'ya wanna rap some?"
"Whatsh that?"
"You know...talk wif your mouth..."
"Well...." Ash considered the many other possibilities, such as...well, who knows. Why
not?
"So what's the new topic?" he slurred.
"Ahh, well..." Link scratched the back of his head. "I got this real..." He paused, his
twelve or so functioning brain cells scurrying around in his hippocampus, trying to come
up with a word, and failing.
"...thingy for a girl..."
"Ahh, women. A woman is like this beer," Ash said, pointing in the drink's general
direction. "They look good, they smell good, and you'd wrestle a Machamp just to get
your hands on one!" Ash sniggered. "And that Zelda, man, she's a not half bad...Heh heh
heh..."
"What?!?"
There was a good fifteen minute pause, with Link trying to come up with a comeback
line, and Ash trying, for no reason, to determine just exactly _what_ ice cream flavor he
liked best.
*Hey, wait, doesn't he have that Misty chick...*
*Ya know, when it comes down to it, I really like vanillia.*
"Well...What if I tell Misty you said that!"
Ash recoiled and tried to think of a response. "Oh shit!" Then a strange emotion
overcame him. Anger.
"Why you little..." Ash took a huge windup, missed his mark by a good three feet and fell
to the floor.
*Snoreeeeeeeee.*
Link considered, on account of that he was the last one conscious, that it might be
prudent to head home for the night.
"Uhh, what do I owe you..."
"Ahh, well, um...that'll be...550 rupees."
Link emptied his wallet onto the counter.
"Keep the change." Link staggered out.
***
"No one was there!" Samus lamented.
"Falco still isn't home!"
"Nether is Ash!"
All four women looked at each other. As one, a thought crossed their minds.
*They're gonna live to regret this.*
Misty's hair started glowing gold again.
***
After another hour, there was a squeaking sound and disjointed footsteps. the door slowly
swung open.
Link stood outside. In front of him was a large wheelbarrow containing Captain Falcon
and Ash. Aaron was slung over one shoulder and Falco was tucked under the other.
"Here, you might want these back..." Amid shocked, speechless stares Link delivered the
semiconscious parcels to the feet of the respective women.
"Capt. Crunch and I sleep now..."
End Part 7
