~~~~
I only see myself reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
And everything I hoped to be or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me -
So who the hell am I?
[Shame - Stabbing Westward]
~~~~

It was familiar, every sensation, the fingers that probed across his chest were gentle and teasing all at once. Wolfwood cracked open one eye and groaned as he recognized his bedmate, flopping back into the pillows and muttering as he groped about on the nightstand for the clock he knew had to be there. "Hey, lemme up."

"No way," the voice was a bit husky in his ears, and the other didn't move. "It's my turn on top."

The priest grunted and placed a hand on each of his attacker's shoulders, shoving the other man down and flipping him on his back, straddling the horn player with quick ease. "Nuh-uh," Wolfwood whispered, suddenly very awake. "You gave it up last night and that forfeits it, so it's my turn again."

Midvalley smirked and wriggled beneath him, making the priest catch his breath as a deeper level of contact was established. "Bullshit. Give it up, you get to play uke tonight-" With a groan, they flipped twice more and landed on the hard wooden floor, still groping and wrestling back and forth for control of the moment. After a string of muffled curses and a quick move on the part of the lighter man, Wolfwood found himself flat on his back, a grinning saxophone player's lips inches away from his own. "One... two... three..."

The priest groaned and went limp, rolling his eyes as Midvalley continued to count in his ear. "Four...five...bingo! Mine for the evening!" Instantly there were hands on his chest flipping open the buttons of his white undershirt, smiling lips pressed against his neck...

So once again, they could lose themselves like this...but.... "Hornfreak...."

"Yeah?"

Wolfwood propped himself up on his elbows and stared at the man on top of him from beneath dark bangs. It would be better not to ask, wiser not to push this fragile balance into toppling, but some part of him simply had to press the issue. He wanted to know... how much he meant.... how much of the passion between them was simply for the sake of passion, and how much of it was deeper than that. "You ever gonna miss this?" he asked softly, raising a brow questioningly.

The chocolate eyes of the musician blinked in surprise, and he sat back for a moment, regarding Wolfwood almost suspiciously and pausing in his exploration of the terrain beneath the soft white shirt. "Why do you ask?"

Smirking, the priest nuzzled against the other's neck, breathing the words over heated skin as he worked at his partner's belt. "Because I think I'm getting attached to you."

"That's a bad idea, Wolfwood."

"Yeah." So what? Had either of them ever truly abided by the rules before? Why not give in and break them together-

Wait.

*Wolfwood?!* Midvalley never called him Wolfwood-

"But the feeling's mutual. We're making things complicated...."

"Screw the complications."

The tall, Midvalley-but-not-Midvalley tucked the younger man's head up to his and meshed their mouths together none-too-gently, licking around the corners of the other's lips and demanding entrance into the sweetness. Smoke, cheap alcohol, mints from after dinner, himself. For a moment Wolfwood choked on his own surprise- the hair his fingers were tangled in was *blonde*...

He squirmed upwards, slammed the other man onto his back with an audible crunch, and pinned his arms down. Aquamarine eyes looked back up at him innocently, a little smile perched on the bruised lips as Vash the Stampede grinned cheekily.

"V...VASH?!" For some peculiar reason, the fact that his former lover had just transformed into something else entirely didn't seem quite so alarming. Wolfwood shrugged and fumbled with the buttons on a red coat that hadn't been there moments before, his fingers thick and clumsy in his desperation.

"Wolfwood...hurry, please, Wolfwood-

~

-Wolfwood! Hey, Wolfwood, wake up!"

The hazey warmth of the dream wasn't as quick to disappear as the priest would have hoped. In fact, when he opened his eyes and found Vash's questioning eyes staring into his face, concern written across his expression, the beating of his heart doubled up and the priest had to close his eyes and roll over, lest his situation become a bit more obvious.

"Wooooolfwoooood?" Hands on his shoulder, startlingly warm, and Wolfwood sat up instantly, brushing the touch away as quickly as possible. "Oh! Are you okay? You sounded like you were having a nightmare..."

**Yeah, some nightmare. It's definately a problem when you start dreaming about your bed-buddy and your target....** He cringed and set his head in his hands, letting his breath hiss free.

Vash was still there beside the bed, lingering in confusion.

"Ah, I'm fine. Yeah, a nightmare. Real scary," Wolfwood muttered as he massaged his temples and concentrated on anything possible that wouldn't further encourage his lingering feelings of lust... **What the hell was that? I didn't love Midvalley, and I don't want Vash...**

Okay. So maybe that was a *little* untrue. Just a little.

"Are you sure you're alright, Wolfwood? And if you are, can I have those donuts you left sitting on the table...?"

Hmmm.... Vash must really be concerned if he had woken Wolfwood *before* embarking on a seek-and-destroy mission of all glazed pastries in the room. That fact made the priest look up and nod weakly, distracting himself by watching Vash's expression of utter delight as he whipped open the box and counted out the donuts, beaming as the total came to an acceptable number. "BANZAI!" The blonde cried, plunging into his breakfast with great enthusiasm. "You're the best, Wolfwood!"

"Yeah. Sure." the priest cleared his throat and looked away. "I'm going back to bed."

"Haaaai, haaaai!"

~~~~
I'm wandering 'round confused, wondering why I try
The more that you deny my pain the more it intensifies
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you
If you ignore that I'm alive I have nothing to cling to
I stare into this mirror so tired of this life
If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive
Once I swore I would die for you but I never meant like this
No, I never meant like this
~~~~

Wolfwood made a point of sitting out on the porch of the hotel that evening, smoking a cigarette while waiting for the children to show up. Vash accompanied him, speaking with cheerfullness about the *pretty* sunset and the possibility of donuts in the morning. And why did Wolfwood look so serious? Why were they staying in New Jersey another day? Didn't he know smoking was really bad for him?

Finally the priest turned to Vash, blew a long stream of smoke into the other man's face, and grinned slightly as Vash coughed and choked on the dirty air. "Do you ever stop talking?"

"Well, you weren't saying anything, so I figured I'd do the work for the two of us," Vash muttered, throwing his head back and staring at the sky.

"I'd rather you said a few things and meant it then talked non-stop about nothing at all," Wolfwood told the blonde with a sharp look. Vash chuckled weakly and looked down at his hands. "What makes you think I was talking about nothing? The sunset is something... And I have a right to know why you've been brooding all day, don't you think?"

The sunset *was* something. It painted the panes of Vash's face, coloring his hair and glittered off the sunglasses he wore perched on the bridge of his nose. Behind the tinted lenses his eyes were arched and almost feminine in their delicate lashes... the beauty mark accentuated that, making him look not only amazingly young...but rather.....pretty. "We're waiting for someone. Two someones, actually."

"Who?" Vash asked cheerfully, resting his chin in one gloved palm and looking hopefully at Wolfwood. His *eyes* were asking the questions, not his lips... The priest could tell just by looking at him that Vash knew where he had gone the night before and wanted affirmation of their visitors.

Wolfwood flinched and looked away, sucking in another long drag. That was another way Vash differed from Midvalley....Vash was pretty, delicate, seasoned but in the same way a famous picture grows in value with time. Midvalley was...rough. He tried to be refined in his clothing and speech, but when it came down to it Midvalley and Wolfwood had been cut of the same mold, though neither had admitted it. The hornfreak had been anything but feminine, and if Wolfwood ever snuck out, the musician would have demanded to know with who, why, and was there any action for him - not in that particular order. There were no delicate unasked questions to worry about with Midvalley...

"Yeah, I ran into them last night and offered to take them out to dinner."

"Charitable of you!"

Okay. This *had* to stop. Ever since that damned dream, he had been comparing his former partner and the object of his mission in his head, noting how they varied in every little way - it was disturbing, and even worse because it was all in his subconscious.

"VAAAAAAAAAASH!"

Wolfwood and Vash turned as a small ball of ratty clothing hit the blonde square in the chest and sent him flying backwards- he slammed against Wolfwood and rolled down the steps, wailing as the overaffectoinate child locked her arms around his neck in a massive hug. "Vash-u! You really did come back!"

"Ki...ra?" Wolfwood nearly dropped his cigarette in surprise as another body joined the first, and the children he had met the night before wrestled Vash to the ground. After another minute of limb-tangling and childish giggles, Vash pinned the two squirming bodies and studied them for a moment, a smile lighting across his face. "Kira! Kern!"

"You remembered!" the boy seemed flabergasted and he flung his arms around Vash's neck. "How did you get away from the bounty hunters?"

Vash beamed and sat back, oblivious of the 'what-the-hell-is-going-on-here' stare Wolfwood had slapped onto his back. "Oh, they chased me to the next city, but I lost them there in a dust storm. You two have gotten biiiig!"

"Ah......."

"Oh. Yeah! Wolfwood, this is Kern, and this is Kira," Vash gestured to each of the blonde twins in turn. "Guys, meet Nicholas D. Wolfwood, a friend of mine..."

"Seeee!" Kern hissed into his sister's ear, while the girl's eyes widened slightly. "Told you he might really be a preist!"

"Oh?!" Vash's voice was the very definition of innocence - that alone made Wolfwood narrow his eyes. Had the night before been planned, somehow? "You've met?!"

"Yeah," the priest said gruffly, stamping out his cigarette and shoving his hands in his pockets. "We were waiting for these two, actually. Was gonna buy them dinner."

"Great idea! You two up for it?"

"YEAH! Yeah, c'mon, let's go someplace fancy!"

It turned out that 'someplace fancy' was a lit-up bar with neon lights and decent buffalo wings. Wolfwood was silent until their food was delivered, watching Vash interact with the two children from beneath narrowed brows. Something about the situation stung as strange with him, and it made him look past the trusting lilt of Vash's voice...

Had tongari somehow picked that hotel, that arriving time simply so Wolfwood would meet those children? That innocent look he had flashed before simply *reeked* of cover-up, even more than his usual smiles did. What for? **Maybe a test of some kind...maybe he wanted to know if I really love children as much as I said I do. But...Vash is a trusting person. Is he capable of somthing like that?

It made Wolfwood nervous to think that his target was more suspicious than he had initially thought. Vash wasn't supposed to test people's hearts, he was supposed to blindly believe whatever he was told and be pulled into the trap without a second thought...

The thing that scared the priest was that if it had been anything but children he would probably have failed the 'test'.

When the food arrived, he paused in his eating to admire the way Vash kept the children animated and alive, but not out of control. While adding little bits into the conversation here and there, he was able to watch the blonde unsuspiciously, filing away what he noticed for future reference. Vash treated the kids.... just like he treated anyone else. Maybe that was what was so attractive about him... he didn't differentiate between people of different ages or backgrounds. He was just Vash, and they were just people to be seen and met and loved and lost, they weren't blacks or whites or children of sickly elders.

It was refreshing. Wolfwood wondered if, when the shit hit the fan, he would still be Nicholas D. Wolfwood to Vash the Stampede, or if Vash would turn and call him Chapel to his face. As the four of them stepped out of the restaraunt and flagged down a man selling sweets on the side of the road, Wolfwood popped the question he had been leading up to all night. "Kira, Kern, I want to ask you something."

"Hm?" Kern - he had to be the older, though Wolfwood didn't know for sure - looked up over the peak of his ice cream cone. "What is it?"

"Have you ever heard of December?"

"What, the city?" Kira had somehow managed to get smears of chocolate on her forehead - and with a smirk, Wolfwood noted that Vash had somehow managed to do the exact same thing. Along with that thought came a mental image that made Wolfwood blush and clear his throat before continuing.

"Yes. I'm asking becauss that's where I'm from... I own an orphanage around there, a place that takes in kids like you who don't have a home..."

Both children froze at that, and Wolfwood half-turned, shocked at the sheer fear and hatred that had suddenly blossomed across their faces. "You!" Kern stepped back, pulling his sibling with him. "You *are* from the Ring!"

"What ring?" Vash piped in, though none of the three looked towards him.

"They lure kids like us away an' they never return them, they're horrible men! You tricked Vash, didn't you? I knew you were a liar!"

"Yer eyes are too close together," the girl growled, though neither loosened their grips on their respective ice cream cones.

"Hey, hey, just because Wolfwood looks a little funny doesn't mean you should make fun of him," Vash lifted his hands gently, and his soft voice made both sides relax a bit. "I don't know what Ring you're talking about, but Wolfwood is my friend and I'd trust him with anything. You should too, okay?"

"Ouch." Wolfwood muttered so softly that the others didn't look up.

"......you sure he's safe?" Kern's eyes were narrow and suspicious, but he stood a little straighter and allowed his sister to peek around his shoulder. "I don't want to go to no home, Kira and me can take care of ourselves."

"It's not a home," Wolfwood protested through gritted teeth. "It's a place where they'll give you food and a soft bed-"

"And make us do bad things for money, and brand us just like they brand the others. Just like the Ring. You're a sneaky man, but we aren't so easily fooled." Kern's gaze trailed down to the food in his hand, then back up to Wolfwood's slightly hurt look. "Thanks for the sweets," he added, before the two turned and dashed down the street.

"G'bye Mister Vash!" Kira called as they disappeared into the darkness.

"It's okay, Wolfwood," the blonde consoled, placing a hand gently on the priest's shoulder. "Your intentions were good. Kids like that just don't like to be told what to do, that's all. There's a fine line between being a friend and being just another adult..."

Wolfwood shook him off, stepping deliberately away from Vash and lighting up a cigarette, his fingers trembling as he inhaled a long breath of smoke. "Don't beat me at my own game, tongari. I know why they did that. I remember doing that. And look....look where I wound up..."

When the priest began moving again, Vash let his hands drop to his sides and followed the man with a concerned gaze, biting his lip nervously. If Wolfwood had seen a look like that directed at his heart, he would have melted instantly, but he didn't turn around - instead Vash just silently followed him back to the room they shared, and each fell asleep without a simple goodnight.

~~~~

The next day was long, and though Wolfwood spent most of his time in the bedroom with a bottle of sake and three packs of cigarettes. Vash had stayed with him most of the morning, but by the afternoon the blonde confessed that he found that sort of behavior sickening, and left without a second thought.

Wolfwood sat in the window, nursing the tail end of his cigarette, his eyes dark as he watched Vash outside. The outlaw had come across another group of children - they were involved in a game of cops and robbers, each boy wielded a sticky-dart gun and Vash had a bag of goodness-knows what hefted over one shoulder.

It seemed ridiculous that the 'legendary gunman' would be the crazy sort that bought toys for strangers... it seemed foolish to think he wore anything but the most honest of expressions. "I trust him too much," Wolfwood scowled darkly. "I never trust anyone. So... why him?"

What *was* it about Vash-?

"Chapel."

Nothing could have startled Wolfwood more - as he turned around and recognized the figure behind him, he didn't relax at all. ".....Hornfreak....."

"How goes the mission?"

Wolfwood swallowed and stood, flicking his dead cigarette away and grinning darkly at Midvalley. The saxophone player looked much as he remembered, only a great deal older - there were lines in his face that had not been there before, and he seemed thinner, though his suit effectively hid all other changes.... "What'd they do to you?" the priest asked, concern stabbing him in the back. "You look different."

"Legato..."

Oh. Legato often took his...stress out on members of the Gung-ho Guns, and Midvalley always seemed to be the one recieving the brunt of their leader's sexual frustrations. Wolfwood had endured a few times, but nothing like the constant wear and tear that was inflicted on the horn player. The priest had always shrugged it off - **Better him that me, after all...** - but seeing the long-term effects on his friend was distressing.

"I'm....staying on track," Wolfwood muttered, lifting a fresh cigarette to his lips. Ah, the joys of nicotine... "He makes everything difficult by barging off in whatever direction his fancy takes him... Just like a little kid. Should we be meeting here? It might be bugged."

"I doubt Vash is that bright," Midvalley shrugged off the concern. "Where's your next destination?"

Wolfwood told him, and the horn player nodded with a small smirk of satisfaction before snatching the cigarette out of Wolfwood's mouth, taking a long drag, then handing it back. That made the priest blink - since when had Midvalley smoked? "Okay. That's fine. Oh, I have to go, it looks like he's uncovered our little...affair."

"What? Hey, Hornfreak, what was *that* supposed to mean-?"

Spinning on the heel of his shoe, Wolfwood looked out the window and his eyes widened slightly. Vash was clutching the girl from last night - Kira - in his arms, and the girl was hysterical.

There was also a growing pool of blood beneath her.

~~~~
I don't know if I am real without you
What is left of me without you
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you?
~~~~

Stabbing Westward - Shame