FYI: "..." = talking | ... = thinking | **...** = flashback

Disclaimer: Inuyasha - Sengoku o-Togi Zoushi (Inu-Yasha: A Feudal Fairy Tale) was created by Takahashi Rumiko and is distributed in North America by Viz. I have no right to use Takahashi-sama's characters in any manner whatsoever... but I am hoping she does not mind my borrowing them for a bit.


Contentment
Chapter Three
~ memories ~


A small boy around the age of five sat quietly beside his mother focusing all his attention on the large piece of paper before him. Shoulders hunched over and unruly white hair framing his small face, he bit his bottom lip as he concentrated on his task.

The woman sitting next to him smiled faintly as she watched him repeat the same motions with his hand over and over again. Satisfied, he looked up at the woman sitting next to him and smiled. He held a small brush in his right hand, which was slowly dripping ink onto his knee as he waited for her to instruct him once more. She examined his work and then took the boy's hand in hers so they could practice drawing the kanji together as she corrected him on a minor mistake in one of the characters.

He frowned at his error and the woman smiled to him reassuringly, telling him he was doing very well and that she was proud of him. He beamed at her, his smile growing wide, exposing his small, white fangs.

Yet another feature he had inherited from his father.

He redrew the kanji and she nodded, encouraging him. Reaching up, she patted him on the head and stroked his ears lovingly, telling him he had done well. The boy loved to see his mother happy. She was so beautiful when she smiled; he wanted her to always smile.

Taking the brush from him, the woman began to draw a new word for the boy to learn. He watched her make the character strokes swiftly and expertly, her handwriting perfect. The last stroke made, he stared numbly at the character before him and realized that he already recognized the word.

Shi.

He bit his lip and looked back at his mother, his amber eyes feeling the sting of threatening tears. Her smile was gone. Her dull eyes were staring at him, through him and he shuttered in fear and revulsion. He could no longer hear the soft, comforting sound of her heart beating. The scent of death was emanating from her profusely, causing him to panic and scramble backwards.

Then, he slowly felt his body begin to change...

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Inuyasha's eyes snapped open suddenly, his whole body tense and trembling. His heart was beating wildly in his chest and his eyes felt the sting of unshed tears. He swallowed hard and willed himself to hold back, to not remember as a pleasant feeling of warmth and a slight stirring beside him helped to clear his mind.

Kagome's presence was comforting to him, even in her state of sleep. Inuyasha unconsciously pulled her closer, rested his chin on top of her head, and closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind completely of his dream... and the image of his dead mother. Kagome stirred next to him again and muttered something quietly in her sleep. He dipped his face closer to her hair and inhaled her scent; sweetness mixed with the perverted scent of sickness.

Kagome's illness is bringing back bad memories he thought grimly.

Dawn was still a few hours away and the wind outside had died to a low murmur with occasional gusts rocking the small cabin. He debated waking the sleeping girl. She still felt somewhat feverish, although not quite as warm as before. The capsules had succeeded in bringing her temperature down.

Upon inspection, Kagome seemed fine otherwise; the exposure to the freezing cold had not caused any physical damage to her flesh such as frostbite. Her breathing sounded better, too. Less labored. Inuyasha watched her eyes move about under her lids and listened to her murmur once more, idly wondering what she was dreaming.

Stretching out onto his back, Inuyasha closed his eyes and focused his attention on the wind as it pushed against the small cabin, causing it to occasionally creak and whistle softly. The storm was losing strength, much to his relief. He hoped the storm would be completely past them by sunrise so he would be able to get some healing herbs for Kagome and find some breakfast for them both. His stomach growled in agreement, reminding him that he had not eaten anything in the last fourteen hours and he quickly diverted his thoughts away from food.

Inuyasha rubbed his nose and glanced over at the girl beside him, her back turned to him and her hair fanning out over part of his shoulder. Even in the darkness, it shone with blue highlights. He studied the back of her head and pondered her odd behavior for the past few weeks, Is she still upset over what happened near the well?

The image of Kikyou as she had been fifty years ago filled his mind. Full of life and fire, it was the way he always wanted to remember her. The way her wanted her to be.

The spark that had drawn him to Kikyou was gone from her now. Her false body was cold and only smelled of the grave, reminding him of his loss and debt to her. Yet, he could see that familiar spark in Kagome now. It was not the same spark that he remembered seeing in Kikyou; it was different, unique. In Kagome, it glowed brighter and was twice as captivating and pure. He felt drawn to it. He wanted it to surround him, to engulf him, but he knew he did not deserve it.

Guilt slowly ebbed into his heart. Kagome was not Kikyou, and he still owed Kikyou.

He remembered seeing the former protector of the Shikon no Tama near the Bone Eater's Well weeks ago, his heart full of anguish at seeing her in distress and realizing that Naraku was trying to destroy her once again. Rage and fear filled his mind in that instant. He had come much too close to losing Kikyou to Naraku for a second time and a sense of failure and guilt washed over him.

He thought his heart would stop when he saw her stumbling toward him. Seeing her in such pain... it tore at him, all the old feelings he had been trying to push away and deny came roaring up, and he knew. As much as he wanted to forget it and deny it... his heart ached for her. Had always ached for her since Kagome revived him, and a small part of it always would.

Everything crystallized for him in that instant. He would protect Kikyou from Naraku until his dying breath no matter what and he would do everything in his power to see to it that Naraku was made to pay for what he did to them both. That was his debt to her. He owed her that much and more.

**Kikyou! I'm the only one who can protect you, aren't I?! **

It did not matter that she was made of earth and bones that held the stench of death; her soul... her heart... she was Kikyou, and part of him still loved her. He would settle her heart and free her tormented soul, even at the cost of his very life.

Then he saw Kagome watching him and knew instantly that she had seen and heard everything.

Her eyes spoke volumes of hurt and he felt pity for her, but he could not tear himself away from her gaze. He realized suddenly that as much as he wished she had not seen, a small part of him was glad that she did.

No, he felt relieved; relieved that she would know his heart and finally understand his intentions.

He had expected her to question him, to misunderstand, to be angry... instead her expression changed into something he never wanted to see and he felt part of his heart die in his chest. Without realizing it, he had somehow broken her.

He could no longer see that spark in her.

He watched as she turned away without a single word and left him alone with the scent of a dead woman clinging to his clothing.

...and I didn't stop her...

When she went through the well back to her own time he doubted she would ever return.

Inuyasha stifled a yawn and shifted into a more comfortable position, sleep threatening to take him as he continued to reminisce.

He had missed Kagome while she was gone. Missed the comfort of having her near, her scent, her voice, her smile... He was afraid to go to her and tell her of his decision, to confront her and end everything. His hand drifted up and lightly fingered the prayer beads around his neck as he remembered how heavy they had felt while she was away. He did not want her to not be a part of his life, and he felt ashamed of his own selfishness.

He had broken her, after all. She deserved better than that.

...but she still returned to me. Why did you come back to me, Kagome?

**I can't compete with Kikyou. After all, I am alive. I thought a lot about Kikyou, too. Kikyou and I are very different. That I am apparently Kikyou's reincarnation also means that I am not Kikyou. My heart is my heart. But you know there is one thing about Kikyou's feelings that I understand. Like she, I want to see you again Inuyasha.

**I thought, "Aren't both Kikyou and my feelings the same?" That made me feel a little better about everything. Therefore, I thought, "Aren't our feelings of wanting to see you also the same?" That is why I gathered my courage and came to see you Inuyasha. I want to be with you.**

Kagome's words echoed in Inuyasha's mind, warming him while condemning him.

I don't deserve to be happy while Kikyou is tormented and alone.

He yawned reluctantly, feeling sleep tug harder at his consciousness and nestled himself more comfortably under the sleeping bag. When I found her sitting at the well, she looked similar to how she did just before she had run off... but she said she wanted to be with me... He closed his eyes and sighed tiredly. Kagome said she wanted to be with me... Inuyasha's body slowly relaxed in anticipation for sleep, his thoughts blurring together in a haze.

Why? I don't deserve it...


Inuyasha returned to the cabin a few hours after sunrise, his arms heavy with supplies. The storm, which had dumped ungodly amounts of snow on them all day yesterday and most of last night had finally broken just a few hours earlier, giving Inuyasha the opportunity to find some breakfast and other needed supplies, specifically some healing herbs and a pair of flint-stones.

Kagome had not stirred since he left and her scent hung thick in the air of the cabin. Resting a hand on her forehead confirmed his suspicion that her fever was back. Inuyasha quickly began to pull apart one of the wooden chests that had been left behind by the previous occupant of the cabin and threw the wood in a heap into the fireplace. He quickly scanned the small cabin for any thing he could use as kindling when he saw one of Kagome's notebooks, they had used some of her paper before as kindling. Picking up the notebook, he quickly flipped through the pages, tearing out every page that was absent of any writing and then set to work on getting a fire going.

He delighted in the feel of his skin as the fire warmed him and he set to work preparing the healing herbs for Kagome. The leaves and roots ground together smelled as bad as he remembered.

No… worse.

He wrinkled his nose and tried not to think about the awful scent filling his nostrils. The memories the being ill as a child with his mother repeatedly insisting that he drink the tea and not whine about it came floating back to his mind. He was thankful Kagome would be the one drinking it this time and not him.

A quiet smile found its way to Inuyasha's lips as he ground the last bits of plant material together. How he hated the smell and taste of that damn tea! Nevertheless, he had loved the extra attention his mother doted on him when he did not feel well, or when he was afraid of his monthly transformation. His smile quickly faded at the memory of his mother, her image fuzzy in his mind and he sighed. Now was not the time for reminiscing about her.

He placed the small, iron kettle that Kagome regularly brought with her on the fire just long enough to become lukewarm before adding the healing herbs he had just finished grinding together. Satisfied that it had steeped long enough, he filled a small cup with the tea and took it to the sleeping girl.

"Kagome."

She remained motionless in the sleeping bag until Inuyasha forced her to sit up. Her eyes slowly opened and blinked at him, but remained unseeing.

"You've got to drink this."

He held the cup to her lips and slowly poured the liquid into her mouth, some of it dribbling down her chin and dripping onto her exposed chest. He shifted his hold on her, tilting her head back and cradling her so that the back of her head was resting against his shoulder and chest before he proceeded to get her to drink the tea again. She immediately started to choke and gag, coughing violently against him.

Inuyasha nearly dropped the cup of tea in surprise before she finally cleared her lungs and began to breathe normally. Chewing on his lip, Inuyasha pondered how he was going to get her to drink the tea without choking or letting it spill all over herself. He briefly wondered how his mother had forced him to drink it when he was a boy.

He repositioned himself behind her, her flesh slick from sweat. Commanding in a loud voice, he ordered her to drink the tea or else. It was an empty threat, but he didn't know what else to do and he was starting to feel frustrated.

Her body remained limp and motionless in his arms, giving no indication that she had heard him. Her eyes continued to stare dully into space, unblinking. Inuyasha sighed and slowly poured a small amount of tea into her mouth, whispering a plea for her to just drink it.

Much to Inuyasha's relief, she swallowed.

"That's it... good, Kagome. Just a little more," he whispered encouragingly, feeling a little foolish at talking to her as if she was a child.

When the last bit of tea was consumed, he wiped her face and chest clean and carefully wrapped her back up in the sleeping bag. He would have to make her drink the tea every hour or so until her fever broke, but at least now he knew he could get her to drink it without choking.

His stomach rumbled loudly, reminding him that breakfast was still waiting for him. With his primary worry taken care of, he happily turned his attention to taking care of his own needs and filling his stomach with fresh rabbit meat.