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Disclaimer: In case we're not clear on this, Joss owns the Buffy-verse (we really need a better word for it than that), I'm just tresspassing on an unwatching corner of it.

Lonely Letters
Chapter Five
By IceWing (icewing@one.net)


Begin Chapter 5

The yard. A few hundred square feet of broken green surrounded by the harsh prison walls. Faith sat on the grass, her back safety protected by the cinderblock wall of one of the buildings. One thing, well, one more thing, she hated was that she couldn't really push herself to her limits physically in here. Somebody would ask to many questions if she was seen bench pressing five hundred pounds, or seeing how far up the wall she could bounce from with a running start. A soft smile crossed her lips at that last thought. She knew that with a headstart and doing that Bruce Lee thing in the corner, she could be over that wall and on the streets in about 5 seconds. But that wasn't why she was here.

This was punishment. Punishment for all the things she had done wrong. For all the pain she had caused, all the evil that had been done by her hands. As punishments went, it was a hell of a lot less than what she deserved, and she knew it. But it was the first, well, second or third maybe, on her own road to redemption.

Angel managed to do it, so could she.

Her eyes drifted out over the other cons in the yard. Even here in the sunlight, as she basked in its warmth, she was being reminded of what she had lost. Freedom. The guards on the walls, weapons slung at their sides, a constant reminder that society didn't want her back, at least not yet. Not till she had paid for what she did.

And she was trying to. Rehabilitation. That one word had almost become her mantra. She spent her time studying, reading, trying to learn now from the mistakes of others so she wouldn't screw up anymore. Sometimes, she wondered what it would have been like to have never started down this path. To be able to walk down the streets without knowing that you had taken an innocent life. What it would be like to have people who accepted you for who you were, without them wondering when the monster would break free again.

The whistle sounded and the convicts headed back into the cellblocks. Faith rolled to her feet like jungle cat and padded her way inside.

As she entered her cell, she saw an envelope sitting on her bed, addressed in that now familiar handwriting. The once fallen slayer smiled, as she knew that there was at least one person out there who had accepted her.

Faith, My Friend,

You know you're right. I used to look at the stars a lot too. There's something peaceful and serene about laying on your back underneath the uncluttered heavens. There was this place about an hour's bike ride from my place where I would often go when I needed to unwind when I was younger. Looking back now, I realize how damn lucky I was that something didn't grab me and use me like a capri-sun. But anyway, I had this place I would go, and just watch as the stars marched across the heavens. Maybe I'm to much of a dreamer, but I used to look up at all those shining points of light and just think about how many other worlds there were out there, how many different choices there were displayed before me.

Man, those days seem so far gone. Tell you what, someday we'll go out there together, if you want that is, and we can look up at the stars and just let all the crap the world throws at us wash away for a couple of hours. Heck, if you want, I can even show you where that famous Star Trek rock formation is You know, the one that was in Bill and Ted 2.

Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me a little bit about what your life was like on the east coast. That means a lot to me, and I swear, nobody else will know any of this. I think maybe that's part of the reason I have been kicking myself for not giving you more of a chance. My homelife, although not nearly as hellish as yours, wasn't a bowel of cherries. That's one of the reasons I like the stars so much. Watching the night sky let me forget, for a couple of minutes at least, the ugliness that was going on inside the house.

By the way, I'm sorry about dumping on you in the last letter I wrote. I was just feeling kinda distraught and the words just came out. You don't need that kind of crap, I know you must have enough shit going on in there without my adding any more. I'll try and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Just had a thought. The whole stars thing was running through my head again and I had a tangeant thought. Have you ever been scuba diving? Was something I had a chance to do a couple of times when I was younger. I just realized how much I did when I was younger that I don't do anymore. Hiking, scuba diving, beach combing. All of it pretty much came to a screeching halt in high school.

More casualties to the darkness. Anyway, maybe we can do some of that stuff when you get out.

You know, I keep doing that, assuming you'll be around here when you get out of the big house. I guess I'm just thinking to much, or maybe I'm not thinking at all, but I can't really imagine you being anywhere else. I know it sounds stupid, but I actually look forward to getting your letters. Somehow it feels like you're the only one I know who can really understand what its like.

I know SunnyDale has a lot of bad memories for you Faith, but it can have new memories too, good memories. I can tell you that you already have a friend here who will miss you a lot if you aren't around. ~sad sigh~ I miss you now. These letters are a beacon of light that I look forward to. Its kinda funny you know. I started writing you for a couple of reasons, to offer an olive branch to you and to try to make up for my mistakes towards you, and now after not even a half dozen letters, there's this weird connection I feel with you.

God, I hope this isn't freaking you out. Please don't take this as some kind of stalker kind of thing, cuz its not.

I guess its just that when we're writing, you see me as a person, and I see you as a person. And we are making a connection on a level that our little group doesn't seem to function on very often. Nothing is ever that simple around here. There's always something else going on, but on these fragile sheets of paper, we're just people. People who are in need of a friend, people who are tired of being pushed away or isolated. People who need that contact with somebody else.

You know, I watch these people out my window, walking along the street, hanging out with their friends and loved ones, and I realize just how important that is. It's a weird kind of balancing act we try to do. Go out at night, trying to keep people from being attacked by street gangs on PCP, come home and get a little bit of shut eye, go do what we all do during the days, try to spend a little bit of time with those we care about, assuming we have anybody. And then the whole thing repeats.

I think that without that friendship aspect of it, none of the rest would matter. Its like they said in Armeggedon, (did you see that movie?), that you have to live life in order to remember just what it is that you're trying to save when you're in orbit trying to drill a hole in a big rock to keep it from killing every man woman and child on the planet. Well, you get the idea anyway.

Its getting to be dusk, and I watch as the streets are just about abandoned now. The first star is sparkling in the heavens. I wonder if you can see it from where you're at. Did you ever make wishes on the stars? I used to, but I guess the evil in this town kind of manages to grind down that wishful part. Then again, in this town, you better be careful about what you wish for. Damn careful.

You know, its probably been about ten years since I thought about wishing on a star. ~chuckle~ Maybe you're not the only one who is rediscovering something they thought they had lost. Pandora's box. I have no idea why that popped into my head, but it did. Must mean something. Well, I'll have to remember to research it next time I'm at Scooby HQ, which is at the Magic Box these days.

Trying to remember if you know what the Magic Box is Don't think you do. If you do, sorry bout the explanation. Giles bought the old magic supply shop in town, which was probably a good idea just on the amount of stuff we always found ourselves in need of. But anyway, he bought it and is running it. Doing pretty well too. Only had a couple of attacks by the "criminal element" of town, if you know what I mean.

Lets see. We're still playing chess against Glory, so far we seem to be holding our own, but not really making any great progress. Dawn and Buffy are surviving. Still no word from their dad. The guy is now officially on my what a creep list. I think Spike is falling for Buffy, but I am pretty sure the feeling one sided. Spike, now there's a character. Sometimes I want to stake him out for a killer suntan, then dance on the dust, other times he's actually decent. Not really sure what would happen if he got his overbite back. I'm wondering if he might not stop being a big bad for good. ~ Shrugs ~ Honestly, I hope we never find out. Who else Xander, well he got another promotion at the construction site, and a payraise. But I sense trouble on the horizon with Anya. Call it a hunch, but things seem tense from her side of things. Willow and Tara are doing good. Both of them are working hard on being better witches ~ laugh ~ that just sounds funny as I re-read it.

Well, that's about all I can think of for now, so I'm going to seal this up and send it on its merry way.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thinking of you,

Me.