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Disclaimer: Ave! Ave Joss! Ave! I'm just borrowing the characters to make sure the Writer's Guild Strike doesn't harm them.

Lonely Letters
Chapter Five
By IceWing (icewing@one.net)


Begin Chapter 6

You know, I've written the damn greeting for this letter like six times now and I've just given up on it. Nothing feels right for it. I know what you mean about feeling that connection we seem to have developed. And no, I don't think it's a stalker thing. I don't know what it is, but you know what, it feels right somehow. It feels good.

By the way, your comment about Pandora's box. Hope. You said you felt like you were rediscovering something and mentioned Pandora's box. According to the popular interpretation of the legend, when Pandora opened the box, the first time she released a whole bunch of really bad stuff Despair, hate, and a whole lotta other stuff, so she slammed the lid shut, trapping one spirit type thing in there And the little voice kept asking her to let it out, because it was hope. And eventually she did. Which is why despite all the bad stuff out there, we always have hope.

I think maybe that's what both of us are feeling these days. Hope. I know that for the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel good about what the future may bring. I mean, I still have a lot to make up for, but I actually want to make things better. I want to do good. Bet that's something you never thought you'd hear from me, eh?

You know, you're right though. Sunnydale has a lot of bitter memories for me. But I think maybe I would like to head back there when I get sprung from this place. I mean, I did a lot of shitty things back in the Dale, and I can't very well make it up to the people I hurt if I'm on the other side of the planet or something now, can I?

Plus, I think I'll take you up on that stargazing trip. Never been scuba diving. The water off Boston isn't exactly something you want to expose yourself to. Ever. So maybe that's two things we can do once I get back to the real world. From what I've seen on TV, it seems almost surreal.

You know, if more people would sit down and just communicate like this, not talk, I mean you can talk all day long and not make any inkling of a connection with somebody, but actually communicate, I bet the world would be a better place. God knows a bunch of the cons in here could have used that personal touch way younger in their lives. You know, its that touch that keeps us going. And yes, I am including myself in that now, because I realize that I lost that connection and that's about the time I started going down the wrong road. Although I missed Armageddon. Maybe we could rent it or something.

Glad to hear that Giles bought that shop. Sounds like something right up his alley. Better day job than working at the high school. That job just had to suck big time. Although, I'm starting to think that it, school I mean, wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

You know, I really wish things had turned out different when I came to SunnyD. I was at a bad place when I showed up, and I didn't do hardly anything right when I got there. Live and learn I guess. But I do regret it. ~laugh~ I mean, I know now that there is at least one Scooby that is worth getting to know, worth being friends with.

You know, it weird, it feels good to have somebody out there who wants to talk to me. Wants to know whats going on in my head and get to know me as a person. Most folks, well the guys see me as a potential screw, and the girls almost always see me as somebody to keep their boyfriends away from. ~ Sighing ~ You know, when I did the whole body switch thing with B., the whole thing of Riley telling me he loved me and being so damn gentle. It was just so damn unsettling. I've never had anybody be that sensitive to me before, especially when we were screwing.

I take that back.. There was one other guy who tried to be like that. But I freaked out and kicked his ass out in his boxers. I think that was one of the most heartless things I have ever done. I treated him like everybody else treated me, when he was reaching out to me. How's that for pathetic? One person tries to make me feel special and I go and fuck it up. Par for the course I guess. Sometimes I wonder what things would be like if I were different. I watched all these teens having these good relationships, well at least as good as teen relationships get, and I wish I could have somebody hold me like they care about me for me instead of just as a quick roll in the hay. Its my own damn fault though, just like almost everything else. I act like a cheap slut, I don't know why anybody would treat me any different. ~ shaking my head ~ When I was in court before I ended up here, everybody else was in their best outfits, trying to look good before the judge. And here I was in a pair of tight leather pants and midriff top. I don't even want to think about what they thought I was in there for

~ sigh ~ I sit here, looking at the painted cinderblock wall at the foot of my bed, and long so much to be on the other side, able to bask in the sunlight and the warmth. Its never warm in here. The power bill for the air conditioners must be ridiculously high. I can see the shadows creeping up the wall, as the sun begins to drop. I realize how lucky I am that someday, I will be able to be back out there again. Can you imagine never seeing the sun again? I didn't used to appreciate it, but I do now. I wonder if the moon holds the same appeal to the chess partners you have. Somehow, I doubt it

Its almost chow time, so I'm gonna cut this short and get it in the mail.

Thinking about you a lot.

Your Friend,
Faith