Check Back Later
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
by MrThou
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 was created by Rumiko Takahashi, but is owned by someone else. Doesn't that suck?
Chapter 4
The subject of curses comes up in a wide variety of literature. For example, 'SAM's Teach Yourself Magic' series(1) touches briefly on it in the latter segments, as does 'Magic for Dummies'. Using these books, however, won't even get you past making the spot under one's left big toenail itch.
The definitive work on the subject, 'Dr. Bob's Guide to Curses, Hexes, and Spells', contains detailed instructions on the preparation and cures for over 200 curses, but only if you can read Sanskrit, and have more than five years experience in spell-casting. Obviously, not much help for this tale.
Most people, however, are not interested in casting curses, but rather avoiding them, and identifying the ones they might have picked up along the way. For those people, there is 'The International Field Guide to Magic'.
'The International Field Guide to Magic' contains a geographical reference to all forms of enchantments that a body might encounter in hitchhiking around this wonderful sphere we call earth. Each region is further broken down into magical categories, clearly distinguishing between curses, hexes, enchantments, etc. There is also an alphabetical index of symptoms, so that you can easily flip to the section on North American curses and determine whether that unwholesome desire to eat fruitcake is a curse, or simply a sign of oncoming dementia.
The Guide describes in detail 42 different kinds of magical conditions one can acquire while traveling through the remote regions of China. Further, it lists more than 200 other conditions one may acquire, grouped by symptoms, and rated on a scale of 1 (no danger whatsoever) to 10 (May whatever god you believe in have mercy on your soul), all based on painstaking and thorough research(2).
Jusenkyou curses achieve a 2, which is roughly interpreted as "mostly harmless".
Clearly, the author goofed.
Ranma sat back in his chair, and stared at nothing in particular.
"If Pop were here, I know exactly how he'd start." He reached for a nearby glass of cold water(3), and dumped it over his head. "He'd a done something like that, o' course."
Akane boggled slightly. Sure, she'd seen Uncle Saotome change a few times, but he always went out of his way to stay out of sight. He seemed afraid of his curse, or maybe ashamed. To see someone so casually transform from one gender to the other, right in front of her, was a bit disturbing.
"An' then I'd probably do the same thing ta him, and we'd fight for a bit. An' then about fifteen minutes later, after some hot water, we'd finally get ta the point.
"Fortunately, he ain't here, so it ain't gonna take fifteen minutes." Ranma shifted her gaze to Akane, and smirked. "'Course, I could just ramble like this for awhile, but I'm not gonna do that."
"A little late for that," Akane muttered. "Get on with it."
"Hey, I don't have ta tell you if I don't want, you know."
"Alright, fine. I'm sorry," Akane said without really meaning it. "Go ahead."
Ranma stared directly into Akane's eyes. She found the experience to be rather unnerving, as if the red-head were sifting through her mind, searching for her deepest memories and darkest secrets. Akane was beginning to regret her impatience. After a long moment, Ranma spoke.
"Well, as long as you're sorry."
For the next fifteen minutes, Ranma explained the trip to Jusenkyou, and all about how the curses worked.
"But if you knew it was a cursed training ground, why did you go?" Akane asked. It seemed like a pretty stupid thing to do, to her.
"Oh, that? Well, see, we had this book." Ranma pulled a largish book, about 8 by 10 by an inch, out of nowhere(4), and presented it to her with a wrist flourish.
"The International Field Guide to Magic," Akane read the title. "What is this?"
"This is the single most useful book a traveling martial artist could have," Ranma said. "It documents all sorts of curses an' magical phenome... phemeno... what's the word?"
"Phenomenon?"
"Yeah, those. So, o' course we weren't worried. Turn ta page 296."
Akane flipped the pages and read. "'An alphabetical listing of rare magic conditions found in Remote China...'" Ranma pointed to a spot near the bottom. "'Jusenkyou - water curse, danger level: 2.' Level Two?"
"Yeah, the number after one," Ranma said, as if explaining to a kindergartner. "On a scale of one ta ten, one is mildly annoying, an' ten is get your affairs in order, 'cause you have less than one day left ta live. Or maybe worse."
"You call your curse a two?" Akane asked incredulously. "What if you had turned into a fish, or something like that? Would it still be a two?"
Ranma paled for a moment. "Ya know, I never thought of that. That would be bad. But then, like I said, the Guide said two, an' Pops an' I had already picked up a few curses, up ta level 4, so he wasn't worried. An' it wasn't his fault the Guide was wrong. 'Course, at the time, I wouldn't've listened to his excuses."
"You have more curses?" Akane nearly shouted. "I'm beginning to seriously dislike Uncle Saotome."
"Join the club," Ranma chuckled. "An' of course, I didn't find out about the Guide 'til Pops ditched me an' left his pack behind."
Akane looked down at the book in her hands, and turned to the back cover. She looked very carefully at the fine print, below the big, friendly letters proclaiming the guide to be the single most useful book for traveling martial artists(5).
"The International Magic Group makes no guarantee about the accuracy of the information presented in this volume," Akane read. "Use at your own risk."
"Yeah, I saw that too, but it's just there for legal reasons," Ranma remarked. "The scientific community doesn't really like the magic community, for some reason, so they added that ta prevent from bein' sued."
For the third time that day, Akane could only respond with "..."
"Anyway, we asked about a cure, but the guide said there was none. Turns out he was lyin', or maybe just mistaken, but by the time I found out, I stopped caring.
"I... see," said Akane in a tone that made it perfectly clear she didn't.
"Said the blind man," Ranma quipped.
"Are you laughing at me?" demanded Akane.
"Hmm... Don't think so. That'd sound a bit different. More like... this: Ha ha!(6)"
"Ha! I was right! You are a jerk!" Akane accused.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but..." Akane rolled off the couch and threw a punch at the redhead. Ranma fell backward out of her chair, and rolled to her feet. "... Hey, relax! I'm just teasin' ya!"
"You jerk! First you spy on me in the locker room, now you insult me!" She threw another punch, which Ranma caught.
"Jeez, you need ta loosen up a bit." Ranma spun her around and pinned Akane's arms behind her back. "Didn't my old man teach you anything? Never fight angry!"
Akane struggled for a moment, then stopped when it became obvious she couldn't break free. "Let go of me."
"Only if you promise not ta attack me."
"Fine." Ranma released her hold, and stepped back. "Now what?"
"Now... you finish your half of the bargain," Ranma said. "My story, in exchange for a trip ta your dojo, so I can talk ta your father. So, lead the way."
Akane hmphed, and stormed out the door. Ranma scooped up Akane's backpack and umbrella and stood at the door.
Five seconds later, Akane stormed back, snatched the umbrella, and went back out. This time Ranma followed.
It was still raining when they arrived at the dojo. Akane had cooled off a bit, finding that it took too much effort to stay angry over minor slights. Especially when the target of her wrath looked so wet and miserable. She had relented, and shared the umbrella.
As they passed through the gate, they heard the sound of shouting emanating from the dojo. Not the sound of students practicing the art, but rather the sound of several people chasing another, and being tossed around like leaves in the wind. Very heavy leaves.
Akane ignored it, apparently well acquainted with the noise. Ranma thought it sounded familiar, though...
"Sweeto!"
"Oh no, not _him_!" Ranma moaned. "I'm not ready to deal with him, yet."
Akane stopped and looked at her, startled. "You know the Master?"
"Master, my ass," she spat. "That little freak isn't worthy of the title."
A figure came flying from the dojo, and latched on to Ranma's chest. Ranma grabbed the creature's scalp, and smiled wickedly. Her battle aura started to flare. "Hello, Happi. Remember me?"
Happosai looked up, and smiled uneasily. "Hello, Ranma, girl! How's Cologne doing?"
Ranma pried the aged pervert off her chest, and threw him at the nearby koi pond. "Oh, she's quite well, thanks," Ranma said. Happosai flipped, and landed lightly on a rock. He pulled out his pipe.
Ranma pulled out a staff from nowhere. She knew she was good. Training under Elder Cologne and a handful of others, there was very little she couldn't handle, very few people she knew who she couldn't defeat. One of those few stood on the rock a few feet away, casually smoking a pipe. She needed all the advantages she could get; hopefully the staff would be enough of one.
However, Happosai was, as they say, only human -- which is to say that he was a carbon based life form thought to be descended from apes(7). Ranma, though she didn't know it, was not(8).
"Why can't you just let an old man have his fun?" whined the Master of Anything Goes. He blew out a complex array of smoke rings in the process.
"Fun. I don't object ta you having fun, Gramps, but I do object ta bein' groped."
"But I don't mean any harm!" He looked at everyone with giant Bambi-eyes. Ranma snorted her disbelief. "No, really. I don't want to hurt anyone. All I want to do is liberate my silky darlings." Puff. Another series of smoke rings.
"Don't give me that, old man! You don't care a lick about what happens to no one but yourself."
"Now Ranma, how could you say that? I'd never hurt my favorite student on purpose."
"Yeah, right," Akane muttered under her breath.
Happosai heard her, and held up his pipe in pledge. "No, honestly. May lightning strike me if I'm lying."
It has been mentioned before that Ranma is a rain goddess. That is not entirely correct. Rather, Ranma is a goddess of bad weather. The clouds will gleefully pour down rain, as well as sleet, snow, hail, thunder, lightning, and all manner of other stormy functions.
Ranma felt a boiling rage overtake her when she heard those words, and wanted nothing more than for God to prove that the old freak was, in fact, lying.
Ranma, at this time, had no clue of her own divinity. It came as a great shock, therefore, when Happosai was immediately struck by lightning.
Happosai's last comment before falling unconscious was, "Owie."
"... An' anyway, that's how I obtained my curse. I'm sure my father told you somethin' similar."
The five of them were gathered around a short table, the three Tendo sisters on one side, Ranma (currently male) opposite them, and Soun sitting at the head. "Yes, Saotome did mention some of this," the Tendo patriarch said, "although he neglected to mention _your_ curse. He merely said that you were dead."
"Pops abandoned me!" Ranma spat angrily. "The old fart up and left me as soon as I started chokin'."
"What do you mean, choking?" asked Nabiki, the middle Tendo sister.
"I mean, we was tryin' to escape from a village of Amazons, and he ran away while I was chokin' on a goat bone."
Ranma was used to it by now, so he ignored the guide's random chatterings and complained, "I'm starving." Genma, being a panda at the time, couldn't tell Ranma to take it like a man, and so he was taking full advantage of the situation.
"Mr. Customers, this is village of Amazons," said the Jusenkyou guide. He said it in the same tone he said everything, like "That is a frog," or "this pig seem to have wings... Not know we have spring of drowned flying pig," or even "very tragic story of young girl who fall in spring, 1500 year ago."
That caught Ranma's interest. Villages meant people. People meant that there had to be food to feed those people.
"Amazon village? Howzat?" Ranma asked. Genma, predictably, said nothing.
"This village women very strong!" The guide pointed over to a largish cluster of people gathered around a log suspended a few feet off the ground. "They show their skill, now."
"Is very lucky we see annual tournament," the guide droned. "These warriors some of best in world."
His customers weren't listening. Their attention was currently occupied by the large table about ten feet away, heaped with piles of food. They dropped their packs and ran over to the table. The guide followed, not really paying attention.
On the log, a young purple-haired woman with overly colorful maces was battling a rather ape-like woman with a spiked stick. Ranma and his father were too busy fighting over the food to notice.
It has often been observed that most males have a one track mind. That is not entirely correct; most men do have more than one track, it is simply that only one track works at full power at any given time.
Currently, Ranma was female, so the above didn't apply. She wasn't aware of that, however, and as such, was currently devoting all of her brain-power to a single thought.
"Foooood," Ranma mumbled reverently. She reached for a watermelon. A large panda paw deflected her hands away. "Dammit, Pops, that was mine!"
The panda ignored her. She reached for some roast goat(9) instead.
"Is very big honor to win tournament," the guide said. Just then, the purple-haired girl pushed a mace through her opponent's defenses, and sent her flying into the air. There was a lot of cheering, and the girl jumped down.
"She's got some serious power," said Ranma through a mouthful of food. She spit out a few bones.
"So, anyway, we were eatin' the first prize for the tournament. An' of course, the champion, Shampoo, was pissed off about that." Ranma looked at his audience. "So, I had ta fight her for the prize.
With a simple kick, the champion was sent flying from the log. Then Physics(10) reasserted itself, and she dramatically fell to the ground.
Ranma jumped down, and allowed the judge to nervously declare her the winner. Then she raced back to the table, and picked up another piece of roast goat.
"So you steal the champion's food, beat her up, and then go back to eating?" asked Nabiki incredulously.
"Umm... yeah, that's pretty much it. We were fighting over the food, after all."
The Tendo sisters groaned.
"What?" Ranma demanded. "Do you want me ta finish this story, or not?"
Hmm... that goat tasted a bit funny. Oh well. Watermelon. Lots of watermelon. And are those pot stickers? Damn, no soy sauce. More goat...
Ranma's internal musings were interrupted by a kiss on the cheek. She coughed, looked at Shampoo, and coughed again. Then she started choking.
"Oh, no, sir, this very bad!" The guide tugged on Ranma's arm. "You just receive kiss of death!"
Ranma would have asked what that meant, but she was too busy turning blue.
"We must run!" And the guide suited actions to words.
A large, furry paw grabbed Ranma's arm, and started dragging her away from the village. And that was the last Ranma remembered before she passed out from lack of oxygen.
"An' when I woke up, I found out that Pops had dropped me while they were chasin' us. So I ended up bein' a prisoner for a while." Ranma paused for a moment, then growled, "That fat panda has a lot ta answer for..."
"Hmm... well, your problem doesn't seem so bad after all..." remarked Soun, as he patted Ranma on the back.
"Huh? What are you talking about?"
"Well then, these are my daughters: Kasumi, age 20, Nabiki, 18, and Akane, 17. Choose any one you like; she'll be your fiancee."
A low pressure system spontaneously generated itself inside the house, and wind blew through the room. Four sets of eyes glared at Soun Tendo. Four voices chorused, "What!?"
"Saotome and I made a promise many years ago to join our families to secure the School of Anything Goes..." Soun continued, unperturbed. "Honor demands that you go through with it."
"Oh, he definitely wants Akane," Kasumi said after a moment.
"I couldn't agree more," Nabiki chimed in.
"What! Don't I get any say in this?" shouted Akane.
The response was a unanimous and emphatic "No."
Akane jumped to her feet. "I refuse to be engaged to that pervert!"
Ranma smirked. The smirk expanded into a grin. Akane turned to say something rude, and stopped short. The pigtailed boy's grin gave the unnerving impression that he was about to go for the neck, and his left eyebrow was busily conducting the 1812 Overture.
"... Never mind," she said instead, and sat down.
"Well, then, it's settled," Kasumi announced. "Akane, I'm so proud of you. You finally have a boyfriend."
"He's not my boyfriend!"
"Girlfriend, then," Nabiki interjected. "My Akane, I didn't know you were like that."
Akane glared at her sisters, then jumped up and stomped up the stairs. A few seconds later, a door slammed, altering the low pressure system, and causing another wind to blow through the house.
"Nabiki, you shouldn't say things like that," Kasumi said.
Nabiki shrugged, "Well, it's not my fault she's so easy to tease."
"No offense, Mr. Tendo," Ranma said sarcastically, "but just what are you smoking?"
Mr. Tendo blinked, and answered, "Well, I had a Cuban cigar after we mailed the Master overnight to Tibet..."
Somewhere in an airplane cargo hold, a package sneezed.
(1) Only available in 24 hour and 21 day editions. Even they are smart enough to realize that you can't possibly learn magic in 10 minutes.
(2) *cough*bullshit*cough*cough*
(3) Law of the Ranmaverses. Cold water can appear spontaneously at any time. It's the hot water that can't be found.
(4) Law of the Aniverses. Females can pull objects from a pocket dimension called "hammer space" -- so called because the most common object to be pulled is a large, male-bashing mallet. There is no know restriction, although in some universes the weight of a single object may not be greater than the weight of the girl. Sometimes this law is not restricted to females.
(5) And door-to-door salesman, and international criminal, and field research scientist...
(6) Think "The Simpsons".
(7) Actually, all humans are descended from a flying pig that temporarily fell through a time warp to a time about a million years ago. Thus is the adage upheld: All men are pigs.
(8) Chronological footnote: Ranma first obtained the girl curse, then Happosai showed up. Later, Ranma obtained the Rain-goddess curse, but didn't know it, because it didn't seem any different from the girl curse.
(9) This is not his story... (reread the prologue if you don't get it)
(10) The anime laws of physics state that gravity is reduced to 1/4th for martial artists, except when falling or being thrown, in which case it is increased 4 times. This is an exception to the rule. All championship losses must be done at 1/4th gravity, to make things suitably dramatic.
Author's Notes:
By popular demand: an imitation Guide! Oh well, it'll allow me to make strange and humorous references in each chapter. It won't become central to the plot, however.
No more suggestions for Ryouga's curse, please. I've chosen one that seems to fit the best. What is it? Keep reading, and you'll find out. I'll probably be dropping occasional hints in the story, however.
So what does this mean? Every time Ryouga changes to his cursed form, improbable things start to happen. Very improbable things.
Next chapter, we meet a person who has more control over the clouds than Ranma does. And Akane starts her training. All this and (maybe) more on the next episode of 'Check Back Later'!
Comments welcome, flames ignored. Any suggestions to help improve the story or the writing style would be greatly appreciated.
