Just Human, Chapter 6: THE TRUTH HURTS

Buffy's thoughts involuntarily wandered back to the last time she's been in
a hospital. Six months ago she had listened to a doctor who'd explained her
that Riley was in a coma and wouldn't wake up again. It had been another of
those experiences that had taught Buffy that hospitals were bad, evil
actually. And the thought of her little daughter alone inside of such an
evil institution made her insides churn.

Guilt settled in her guts again when she entered Marlie's room at Willow's
side, but it vanished instantly when her daughter became aware of her
presence and a beam appeared on her pretty, little face, "Mommy," Marlie
cried and reached out for her.

"Marlie, darling." She was at her daughter's side and had her small body in
her arms the next second. "Oh, Marlie, my baby. I'm so sorry I wasn't there
for you," she said and held her daughter close. They held onto each other
for several seconds, then Buffy carefully pulled back to look at Marlie,
"How are you? Are you okay, sweetie? Does your tummy still hurt?"

Wiping her tears away Buffy watched her daughter shaking her head, "No, it's
all good now," Marlie announced. "The doctor, her name is Callie, and I can
call her Callie, you know. She's neat."

"That's wonderful, baby," Buffy said, stroking a hand over her daughter's
soft curls, "So what did Callie say."

"You ought to call her Doctor," she scrunched her little nose for a moment,
"or maybe if you're nice she let you call her Callie too."

"Maybe I'm going to ask her," her mother said, smiling. Willow was right,
there was no reason to worry. Marlie was certainly well and if she had been
frightened in the hospital, it didn't show anymore. "I'm glad you feel all
better now."

Marlie nodded earnestly, "Callie said she cut the bad thing out. There was a
part inside of me that got... insected," she tilted her head and looked at
Willow, whose presence she just now acknowledged.

The redhead didn't mind at all. She was glad that Buffy seemed to crawl out
of the hole she'd been digging herself into over the past months, "Infected,
love, it's infected."

"Infected," Marlie beamed proudly at her mother. "So Callie cut the thing
out. Now I'm all better again."

"That's wonderful," Buffy smiled at her lovingly, "I'm going to talk to your
doctor Callie later." Suddenly she saw a book lying on the bed stand beside
her daughter, "Oh, did Aunt Willow buy you this book?" she asked, assuming
her friend had brought it with her to cheer Marlie up. Silently she thanked
Willow for being so thoughtful. She would make it up to her, Buffy promised
herself firmly. There would be no more hiding. At least not from the
responsibility of caring for her children.

"The book is neat, isn't it?" Marlie beamed again, opening the first page
and showing her mother colored pages with pictures that told a story even to
children who couldn't yet read.

"Yes, it is," her mother, agreed. She wanted to ask her daughter something
as the little girl's attention suddenly shifted towards the door and her
beam even widened.

"Mr. Angel," she cried happily. "My mommy says the book you gave me is neat."

Buffy stiffened instantly. Angel. If she had been more attentive to her
surroundings, not so distracted by her daughter, she would've known he was
there. There was the old tingling feeling in her stomach that came whenever
he was near.

"Hi, Muffin," he greeted Marlie and smiled, then more quietly he added, "Hi
Buffy. Willow."

"Hi, Angel," Willow said cheerfully, "It's wonderful to see you." She
crossed the room and enveloped the former vampire in a fierce hug. Looking
up into his face she watched his eyes for a moment, then obviously content
with what she'd seen, she smiled, "I think I just have to get used to you
being warm and all."

He laughed at that, and Buffy felt her insides knot. "I needed some time to
get used to it myself," he replied smiling back at the witch. "I'm glad
Marlie likes the book I brought her this morning."

Finally Buffy managed to turn away from her daughter and towards him, "Thank
you," she said stiffly. "It was very thoughtful of you to bring Marlie a
present. But you shouldn't have."

He made a dismissive gesture with his hand, "It was nothing," he said,
deliberately missing the warning in her voice, "I'm glad I could give her
something she liked." He came to stand beside Buffy and the bed, then
reached out and lightly stroked Marlie's cheek with the back of his fingers.
"How are you feeling, Muffin?"

"Fine," the girl replied, beaming again. God, how did he do it, Buffy
wondered, how did he manage to get even little girls to drool over him. Damn
the man. "I showed the book to Callie. That's my doctor. And she liked it
too."

"That's great," he replied smiling. "I hope you'll be soon allowed to go
home."

"Callie says tomorrow," Marlie retorted, looking back at her mother. "Can I
come home with you then?" she asked.

"Of course, darling," Buffy assured her daughter, moved by the fact that she
preferred to stay with her, even after the things she had done or rather not
done.

"YAY!" the little grinned at her mother, then hugged her and planted a
smacking kiss on Buffy's mouth that brought tears into the woman's eyes.
Clearing her throat, the blond turned her head to Willow, "Will, would you
stay with Marlie for a moment? I'd like to talk to Angel in private."

"Sure," the witch agreed easily, winking at the former vampire behind
Buffy's back. He flashed her a smile in response. He had always liked Willow
and although the redhead hadn't always agreed with the way he'd behaved
regarding Buffy, she'd always been a supportive friend, had even accepted
him back in their circle when nobody else would.

Buffy stood up slowly, carefully avoiding any contact with Angel who was
definitely standing too close for her taste. Not bothering to look at him,
she said, "Could we talk in the waiting room?"

"Of course," he replied and followed her outside the room and the short
distance to the waiting area. The moment they'd stepped inside, however, she
whirled around, her eyes flashing with anger, she spat right into his face,
"How you dare?" she hissed. "How dare you come and visit my daughter?"

Clearly taken aback by her hostile reaction, but not intending to back down,
he held his ground and simply looked at her. And by God, she was still
beautiful. Of course she'd been beautiful yesterday too, but he'd been too
distracted by the sadness in her eyes, the shadows around them, the
exhaustion that had surrounded her, but today with her eyes blazing fire,
she simply took his breath away.

She wasn't a girl anymore. She was a grown up woman now. A mother. She'd
become the exact woman he'd seen in the girl 25 years ago, the girl that had
come down the steps at Hemery. Ever since he'd heard about Riley's death he
had asked himself what she would look like. He hadn't allowed himself those
thoughts before. Not consciously anyway. During sleep, when the walls were
down, when he wasn't able to block her out, he had imagined her. But no
imagination came even close to the woman in front of him. She was
incredible.

But she was also very angry the moment, "Buffy, I didn't think you would
mind. Willow told me that your daughter was ill and I wanted to bring her a
present."

She raised her brows mockingly, "Oh yeah? Don't play dumb, Angel. You rarely
did things without a reason. After all you were the master of mental
torture. I'm sure you remember one or two things from then."

It was a low blow and she knew it, even regretted it for a moment when his
face lost all color. But he managed instantly to regain control and Buffy
pushed all regrets aside. "No comments?" she asked.

"I think that doesn't earn a comment," he replied calmly. "I wanted to give
Marlie a present. Period. I don't need to apologize for that."

Her eyes narrowed for a moment, then she took a deep breath, "I told you
yesterday, Angel. I don't want you here. And I certainly don't want you
around my children. They're Riley's children, not yours." She knew she was
hurting him with her words, but she didn't care. "They were conceived in
love. And you're not going to try to destroy their connection with their
father by wiggling your way into their lives. You had your chance 22 years
ago and you didn't take it. You left me. It was your decision. You have to
live with it. Don't involve my children in your twisted plans."

He looked at her long and inquiringly, then shook his head, a sad smile
appearing on his lips, "Do you actually believe any of that crap you've been
telling me, Buffy?" he asked.

"Crap?" she gaped at him, "You think that's crap? My husband died six months
ago. I am his widow, the mother of his three children. Don't you think it's
a little bit inappropriate for you to think... whatever you're thinking?"

"No," he said calmly. "It's not inappropriate, and you know it. You've been
lying to yourself for so long, you can't even see the truth anymore."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," she hissed at him, "I'm not
lying to myself. Why should I? I had a wonderful life with Riley and my
children. Who are you claiming to know what I'm thinking? How dare
you?"

He shook his head slightly, sadly, "The problem is, Buffy, I know you better
than you know yourself. Do you want me to show you?" he asked.

"Show me?" she raised her chin haughtily, "How do you want-" The words died
when he suddenly bent his head to slant his mouth over hers.

The touch of his lips sent an instant jolt of sensation ripping through
Buffy's body. Her lips parted almost automatically and Angel's tongue
flicked against hers, and she felt a fierce quiver of a once too familiar
yearning.

She knew there were a thousand good reasons why she shouldn't kiss Angel,
why kissing Angel was a very big mistake. Right now, though, Buffy couldn't
remember any of them. Although a little voice was whispering warnings into
her ear, her arms encircled his neck almost by themselves, her body
softened, melting against his.

In return Angel deepened the kiss, his tongue thrusting deeper, exploring
familiar territory, claiming her as his again. Involuntarily she moaned into
his mouth, drowning in the sensations his intimate touch awakened in her
body, sensations she hadn't allowed herself to remember for a very long
time.

Buffy felt the familiar warmth spreading through her body and settling in
hidden places between her thighs. She had forgotten the way she instantly
responded to Angel's kisses, the way every fiber of her body responded. Her
skin felt hot, her head light, her muscles like jelly. When Angel's hand
slid down her back, beneath her blouse, caressing her soft skin, she felt it
in everywhere. If they weren't in a waiting room in a hospital but in her
apartment only God knew what would happen next.

The realization that she was actually contemplating having sex with him,
right here and now, was like pouring ice water on her overheated senses.
With a strangled sound she pulled her arms from his neck and pushed him
away. Oh God, what was she doing? Had she completely lost her mind? "How
dare you?" she hissed again, and without thinking slapped him across his
face.

He stood there, only staring at her, then again in that infuriating, calm
voice, he said, "Stop lying to yourself, Buffy. You're only hurting
yourself."

"I'm not lying to myself," she insisted stubbornly, "I don't need
you. I'm happy with my children. Riley's children," she reminded him and
herself in the same moment. Oh God, Riley was dead for six months and her
body had betrayed her by wanting Angel like that. "I didn't need you for the
last 20 years, Angel. And I certainly don't need you now to destroy the
memory of a good man I loved."

Angel smiled at her, "You need me alright. And as soon as you're ready to
admit it to yourself, I'll be here."

"Can't you understand plain English?" she shouted, desperation entering her
voice. "I. Don't. Need. You. I don't even want you. And don't ever come near
my children again."

He turned then, but stopped at the door and looked back, gazing into her
eyes for a very long moment, "I'm not going away, Buffy," he said
before he left the hospital.

Buffy felt herself shiver, even after he'd left. Making her way back to her
daughter's room, she could still feel his knowing eyes resting on her. No,
she vowed, he wouldn't make her believe that he was still important for her.
She wouldn't betray Riley's memory by lusting after Angel. Riley was the man
who had loved her, married her, had given her three wonderful children and
years of happiness.

But he was also the man whom she had given absolutely nothing in return.

*****

Slamming the door of his motel-room behind him Angel was silently discussing
what tattered remnants of a brain he still possessed. Maybe he was just
tired, having spent a sleepless night after leaving Buffy in her apartment
the way he had. Yes, that had to be the explanation for doing something
totally and completely stupid as grabbing Buffy and kissing her like that.

At the moment he should probably count himself lucky that she had just
slapped him and not tried to get security to remove him from the hospital.

Running a hand through his hair, he exhaled sharply and opened the small
fridge in his room to get a bottle of non-alcoholic beer. It didn't taste
like the real stuff, but at the moment he couldn't afford to let his mind be
clouded even the tiniest bit.

God, he had to be the single most stupid guy on this planet. Kissing Buffy
out of a sudden urge to prove something. Prove, what exactly, he mocked with
himself. That she still responded to him sexually? He already knew that. He
wasn't a vampire anymore, but you if you've lived more than 250 years, you did
pick up a thing or two. After his lifetime-experience Angel felt sure that he
could see if a woman was aroused around him or not.

Besides. When it came to Buffy, he seemed to have special senses that never
failed him. Buffy wanted him. The same way he wanted her. Yet, he should've
known better than just to grab and kiss her like some caveman.

Slamming his hand through his hair again, he downed the bottle in large
gulps. If he didn't want to do irreparable damage to his long-term plans,
he'd better start thinking with his head instead of his dick. In 250 years
he should've been able to acquire a little bit of self-control. Buffy was
confused and hurting right now, he had to go slow or he would accomplish
nothing.

The news about Riley's death had left him completely stunned. For about five
minutes. After that his mind and - so he had to admit to himself - his body
had gone into overdrive.

When he turned human seven months ago, it had been unexpected. He woke up
one morning with the very unfamiliar urge to use the bathroom and only after
he'd flushed the toilet he took a moment to think about that unusual
occurrence. That had been the exact moment when he realized that something
was different. It had taken him another two seconds to notice what it was.
Something steady was beating in his chest.

Having experienced the transformation before, on the day that wasn't, he
wasn't as stunned as he'd been then. Still, the fact that this time he
hadn't been battling a Morah made him believe pretty quickly that this might
be the fulfillment of the prophecy Wesley had translated all those years
ago. Although, he had to admit, he'd expected it to happen a bit more
spectacularly, at least with a bit of lighting and thunder and not just like
this.

But then, he wasn't going to look a gifted horse into the mouth. He had done
it before, and had regretted it ever since, but not this time. Somehow,
strange as it may sound, he felt that he had really earned it. Not only had
he conquered Darla, Wolfram & Hart and other evil challenges. He had also
given up the only woman he'd ever loved. In Angel's book, that was enough to
earn redemption.

Realizing what he was thinking he remembered that he'd laughed out loud,
feeling free for the first time since Darla had made him a vampire in that
dark and dirty alley in Galway, maybe even since before that. He had never
really felt free in his days as a human, never being able to accomplish what
his father expected from him.

After he'd gotten his soul back, guilt and remorse had almost drowned him
and he'd been on the edge of giving up until a blond girl had entered his
life and given him a sense and a purpose. Still, even with Buffy in his
life, he had never thought it possible to leave his past behind someday.

But somewhere on his way it had happened and when he felt his heart beat
that special morning in his bathroom he didn't jump into the air and right
through the roof the way he had once expected it. No, he just accepted it,
feeling he had rightfully earned it.

Yet, that didn't mean that he knew what to do with his newfound humanity.

Cordelia, of course, true to fashion had tried to get him hooked up with
some woman or rather girl, because he still looked the same age he'd been
when he'd turned into a vampire, which was 26. And although some of the
women Cordelia had chosen for him were pretty, some of them even beautiful,
he hadn't been interested in them.

Sure there had been one or two purely sexual encounters. After all he'd
thought Buffy to be out of his reach, forever happily married to Riley Finn,
and he was just a man, but they had left him empty and aching for the real
thing.

So when Cordelia had called him from L.A. to tell him about Riley's death
he'd literally jumped into the first available plane and rushed to her. And
he'd been thinking about this. Cordelia hadn't just told him that Riley was
dead but also that Buffy seemed to take it hard, that she was drinking
heavily and that Willow had called it very bad.

Very bad coming from Willow, the person who always tried to find the good in
everything, had made the hairs in his neck stand up straight. He had called
her himself and what she had told him had made him drive down to Sunnydale
without thinking twice. Buffy was falling apart and she needed him. The last
time, shortly after Dawn had died, she had been in a bad shape as well and
Angel, knowing that he couldn't give her what she needed, had swallowed his
jealousy and called Riley to the rescue. But this time, things were
different. He was human now, and there was no curse, nothing that could keep
him from her side.

Experience of working with people in similar situations to Buffy, had made
him expect her hostility. He'd known that she wouldn't greet him with open
arms, that she wouldn't want him here. After all, she'd loved her husband.
As much as it hurt him, he had to accept the fact and a part of him was glad
that she'd found a satisfying relationship and someone who could pull her
out of the darkness that seemed so dominant in her life. That had been,
after all, the reason why he'd left her. Of course, there was another part
of him, that was raging with jealousy, but over the years Angel had learned
to live with it. Buffy was a beautiful fantasy, but he had accepted that
this particular dream would never come true.

But now, all of a sudden, it was possible, and Angel would be damned if he'd
let this opportunity slip from his hands.

The ringing of his cell phone pulled him from his thoughts and he smiled
when he saw the caller ID on his display, "Hi Cordy," he said softly, having
expected her call much sooner.

"Angel," her voice was equally soft. "How are you?"

There was concern in her voice and he had to smile, "I'm fine. Well, besides
the fact that my cheek still stings from the slap I received from Buffy."

There was a moment of silence on the other side, then a gasp and a shocked,
"WHAT? She slapped you? That bitch! How-"

"Cordy," he interrupted her. "She had a reason to slap me. I kissed her.
Right there in the hospital. And I had absolutely no right to do it."

"You... kissed her?" her voice was surprised. "Boy, you do work fast, don't
you?"

He had to chuckle at that, "It wasn't like that. We had an argument and I...
well, I suppose I just got carried away for a moment," he sighed, "Anyway.
How are Michael and Kathy?"

"Don't try to distract me, Angel," Cordelia said sharply, but there was also
fondness in her voice, "They're fine, by the way. They terrorized their
father this morning because they wanted to go to the zoo and he was reading
some really intriguing book about vampires. Of course they won. They left
for the zoo about an hour ago."

"And so you thought you'd use the spare time to call and find out if I'm
still sober and not already drowning my frustration in a bottle of Whisky?"
he asked only half-joking.

He could hear her sigh on the other end of the line, "Angel I know you love
her, but I'm still not convinced that this was your wisest move. I mean,
she's been married, she's the mother of three kids, Riley's kids if I may
remind you."

He winced and was glad she couldn't see or hear it, "As if I could ever
forget that," he replied, his voice neutral. "I know all that. Cordelia it's
been a long time since I broke up with her. It's been 22 years to be exact.
I couldn't expect her to wait for me. Of course she had a life."

"Yes, mostly because you preferred not to tell her about your Shanshu."

"Cordelia-"

"Yes, yes," she interrupted him impatiently, "I know. We already talked
about this and I'm convinced you were right. None of us could know if and
when this human thing was meant to happen. But I'm just afraid you're
clinging to a false hope." Her voice turned pleading, "I don't want you to
get hurt, Angel. I know, you always seem so strong, but I know you. You
aren't. You're the most sensitive guy I've ever known. You're hurt easily
and you bleed inside where nobody can see it, because you can hide it so
well. And Buffy's always been extremely good at finding all the sore spots."

"That's not fair, Cordelia, and you know it," he argued, "I've hurt her
plenty of times before. Unintentionally, I know, but still I did it. If she
hurt me, she did it because she was hurt herself."

"Oh sure, leave it to you to defend her," Cordelia sighed again, "Okay, do
what you have to. I know I can't stop you anyway. But please be careful. I'm
not sure if I could stand a broken heart."

He smiled fondly, but then remembered she couldn't see it, "Thank you,
Cordelia," he said, "You're a good friend."

"The best," she replied and they both laughed. "Take care of yourself and
call us. We want to know what's going on. And if she's being the usual
bitch, just come over. Our door is always open for you."

Angel blinked sudden tears away and clicked off his phone with a last
good-bye. He turned and looked out of the window onto the bright streets of
Sunnydale. Not in his wildest dreams he had expected to ever see them in
sunlight and not to shy away from it. This had been a miracle, and not a
minor one. If an once evil vampire could turn human after more than 250 years,
then other miracles were certainly possible as well. He just had to keep
believing it.


... to be continued