Just Human, Chapter 9: SURPRISES IN THE SUNLIGHT
Translation: the waiter, Giovanni, says "la bella bionda signora", and
it means: the beautiful blond lady
Buffy scolded herself inwardly for thinking about Angel again. But with an
inward sigh she knew it was in vain. No matter how hard she tried to get him
out of her head, it was no use. What annoyed her even more was the fact that
she felt irritated that he hadn't called or come to her apartment so far.
Three days ago he had gotten her to promise to have lunch with him some day
and he hadn't called. Not once. You're an idiot, she told herself silently
while strolling through the Sunnydale mall. It was the first time she'd come
here since she'd stopped drinking a week ago. She needed some distraction to
get her mind off her problems, namely Angel and Joyce.
Her eldest daughter was still openly hostile towards her mother, talked to
her only if there was no other way around it, had blocked all of Buffy's
attempts to get her to move back home. The social worker had agreed that Ben
and Marlie should go home with her mother, even encouraged it and explained
to Willow that the stability of caring for kids was important for Buffy at
the moment and that the children simply needed their mother. Willow had
agreed wholeheartedly. It had distressed her a great deal to see her best
friend so unhappy.
Joyce was meant to go home as well, but she plainly refused. Willow and Tara
had tried to talk to her, reason with her, but the girl was stubborn. With a
shake of her head and a little laugh, Buffy had to admit that it was a
streak that came from her. Riley had never really been stubborn. No, the
former commando had been very understanding, loving and gentle with all of
them. Sighing again, Buffy pushed another pang of guilt aside and tried to
concentrate on the shops she was walking by. Maybe she would find something
for Joyce.
"Well, if that isn't the Buffster bright and ready to kick."
Grinning, she looked up. There was no mistaking the voice, she'd known more
than half her life, "Xand," she exclaimed happily. "What a surprise. Hey
Tony," she greeted the little boy sitting astride his father's shoulders,
grinning as well. Anthony Harris was three years old and center of
everyone's attention in the Harris family. He'd come when nobody had
expected him. Anya had already been in the fourth month until she'd realized
she was really pregnant and after being stunned for a short while they had
welcomed him with open arms. He was seven years younger than his next
sibling, Jesse, with the twins being 14 now and his eldest brother, Alex,
who was 16 and sometimes acted as if Tony was his own.
"Buffy," the boy cried happily, reaching out his little arms towards here.
"Now that's a guy after my own heart. Three years old and already a ladies
man," Xander joked and removing the child from his shoulder he handed it to
the blond.
She smiled at him, one of her two oldest and best friends, streaks of gray
in the hair at his temples, but the smile on his face still full of the same
mischief it had always been. "What are you doing here?" she asked, holding
Tony's little body close to hers.
"I took a day off because Tony insisted of choosing the birthday present for
his sisters all by himself."
Buffy's eyes widened and then she slapped herself on the forehead, "Jenny's
and Kerry's birthday, of course. They're going to be fifteen. My God, the
time is racing."
"True words of an adult," Xander remarked and grinned. "But you're right.
It's hard to believe that we were ever been that young." He sighed almost
dramatically and made Buffy grin. Grinning himself, he said, "We're having
the party next week and of course you and the kids are invited. Jesse
wouldn't be able to celebrate without Ben and I'm not sure, but I think Alex
has a crush on your daughter."
"God help me," Buffy groaned, but her grin didn't fade. "A long time ago, it
seems like a lifetime, my mom said I had no idea what parenting was until my
kids started dating, I had no idea how right she was."
"The joys of parenthood," Xander said with all the knowledge of the
five-time father. He reached out to swap his son back in his arms. "He's
heavy," he remarked, ignoring the protest of his youngest, "and you're no
slayer anymore."
"Unfortunately," she replied, stretching her aching arms, "that's true. Most
of the time I can't believe I miss it. But I do. Some nights I think it
would be kind of neat to go out and pummel some demon or..." she trailed
off, her gaze on Tony who was listening with curiosity. "Not the best
subject at the moment," she said.
"Oh, I don't mind. With Anya as a mother, they can't help knowing about a
lot of strange things," he grimaced, "Tony's first word was demon."
Buffy bit her lower lip and stifled a laugh. Anya's kid knowing the word
demon before anything else was extremely amusing. It figured. "Well-" she
started, but was cut off when Xander's expression suddenly changed to one of
utter amazement, and he muttered, "Willow already told me he was human, but
seeing him here in the sunlight. I think I need to sit down."
"Huh?" Buffy stared at him for a moment, and then whirled around to see what
had caused his sudden reaction. Of course she should have know, she told
herself, when her eyes fell on Angel who was walking towards them wearing
faded blue jeans that were snug enough to be like a second skin and a long
sleeved colorful shirt. The clothes were so totally un-Angel, that she
couldn't help gaping at him.
He stopped a few feet away, his eyes flickering to Xander for a moment,
before they rested on her, "Buffy," he smiled, taking another, tentative,
step towards them. "Hello, Xander and hi," he said, grinning at Tony,
"Whoever you are."
"Angel," Buffy replied, a little bit annoyed with the joy that flooded her
at his sight, "That's Tony. He's Xander's youngest."
"Hi Tony," Angel said instantly and was rewarded by the boy with a wide grin
and an enthusiastic, "Hi," in return.
"Hey, Angel," Xander said, looking a little bit faint. Willow had told him
about Angel being in Sunnydale, had even told him that he was human now, but
to see the ex-vampire in the sunlight, wearing what other guys did, and
looking the same as he had before, was a bit much. "You look... good."
"Thanks," Angel took the compliment with an easy smile that made Buffy's
stomach flutter. Gee, she was forty years old but being near Angel made her
feel like a teenager.
He directed his gaze at the blond, "I was looking for you. I tried to call
you but you weren't at your apartment and Willow told me you were going to
the mall."
While Xander simply raised his brows, Buffy found herself smiling back at
him, "Looking for me, huh? Whatever for?"
"You said you would have lunch with me, maybe a cup of coffee?" he replied,
then turned his wrist to look at his watch, "It's almost 12:30, so..." he
trailed off, gazing at her expectantly.
The ex-slayer's eyes widened slightly, "Oh... yeah, well..." she turned to
look at Xander, but he held his hand up. "Don't look at me," he said. "Go,
have your coffee. You've grown much too thin anyway," he grinned when he saw
her roll her eyes. "Besides, Tony and I need to keep looking for a present
for his sisters."
Buffy gave her friend a last glance, then sighed, "Well, it seems I'm free.
So coffee it is. Why don't we - oh shi..." she smiled apologetically at
Xander, for her slip in front of his youngest, but he just grinned. "I mean,
I forgot about the kids. I need to get Ben from school and then Marlie is
with Willow today, I need to get her afterwards. I'm sorry, Angel, I can't."
Angel was about to answer, when Xander put a hand on the blonde's shoulder,
"No worries. I need to pick up Jesse, so I just take Ben too and drive him
to Willow's. You can pick up both kids there later. What do you think?"
Buffy bit her lower lip, "Only if-"
"It's absolutely no problem," Xander said, quickly glancing at Angel. "Go,
have some coffee. Enjoy your day." He practically shoved her towards the
ex-vampire. "Have fun," he added and winked, then slowly walked away talking
to his son, inwardly discussing if he might be possessed. Had he actually
tried to give Buffy the opportunity to be with Angel?
*
They found a free table at a little coffee shop that had opened about two
years ago. Willow and Buffy came to it from time to time to meet and just
talk. The owner was Italian, and the witch swore he made the best coffee on
this planet. When the waiter, whose name was Giovanni, spotted them, he came
rushing over.
"Ahhh, la bella bionda signora," he smiled appreciatively at Buffy, ignoring
Angel's instant scowl.
"Giovanni," Buffy smiled at him, then introduced Angel to him. "This is a
friend of mine. Angel. We need some coffee, Giovanni. Decaf for me."
The waiter rolled his eyes, but obediently wrote her order down. "Decaf," he
shook his head while writing, "What a horrible American custom. Why drinking
coffee at all if not for the caffeine?" he shook his head again, then
shifted his gaze towards Angel, "Ah, I understand. What an appropriate
name." His eyes traveled with the same expression over the ex-vampire as
they had over Buffy just before and Angel couldn't help feeling
uncomfortable. From the glimpse in the waiter's eyes it was unmistakable
that the man was gay. It wasn't that Angel was a prude, but blame it on his
18th century and Irish catholic upbringing that he didn't like the way
Giovanni was looking at him. Inwardly the ex-vampire shook his head over his
own behavior. He had been a vampire for 250 odd years and there was probably
nothing on this planet he hadn't seen or done.
He forced himself out of his thoughts when he saw Giovanni looking at him
expectantly, "Espresso for me," he told him and with an approving nod the
waiter left.
Turning his head, Angel saw Buffy grinning at him, "It's kind of cute to see
you like that," she remarked.
"Like what?" he asked, but of course knew what she was talking about.
"Like you don't know what to do. And to see that for all your long lifetime
experience you're still very 18th century."
He chuckled, "I just thought the same thing. I really don't mind people
being gay or lesbian. I really don't. Hell, I even-" he stopped himself, not
willing to go there, "But there is some part of me, deep down, I don't even
realize it's there most of the time and then," he shook his head again,
"zap, there it is."
"I don't mind," she replied, smiling now, "I like you the way you are. Old
fashioned manners and all. Do you know that you and maybe Giles are the only
men I know who always get up when a woman is in the room? Xander doesn't
even know what that means. Don't get me wrong. I love him dearly. He's one
of the best friends I ever had, but he's hopeless."
"He's Xander," Angel said with a mixture of sarcasm and humor in his voice
that made Buffy laugh.
"That's as true as can be. There isn't really a word in this world to
describe him. Anya calls him unique," she laughed again, "And that from a
woman who was a demon for over 1000 years and who's unique in her own way."
"Slaying certainly provides an uncommon circle of friends," he replied with
a smile.
"Yeah," Buffy agreed, "but I couldn't wish for better ones. I was gifted
with a father I never would've had otherwise, and with two friends who went
with me through thick and thin."
Angel wanted to comment, telling her that she'd also gotten a husband out of
the whole deal, but Giovanni came and brought their coffees. Before the
waiter left he winked at Angel, which made the ex-vampire groan as soon as
he had left their table. When he saw Buffy grin wickedly, Angel glared at
her, "It's not funny."
"Oh, yes it is," she replied, laughing hard, "Usually the women are at the
receiving end of such things. It's a nice change to see a man squirm
instead."
"I don't squirm."
"Do too," she said, still grinning. "You said yourself that you don't like
the way he's looking at you." She giggled, "He thinks you're a dish, and I
can't really blame him." Suddenly realizing what had just slipped over her
lips, she broke off in embarrassment and color began to rise up her neck.
"I-" she started, averting her eyes, but he reached out and put one of his
large hands on hers.
"Don't," he said quietly, "I already told you, you are still beautiful,
maybe even more, because you're a mature woman now, not the girl you once
were. And I'm glad that you like looking at me. I mean, I'm not fixated on
looks. Not at all, but it's part of the whole package and I'm really very
attracted to it. The package, I mean. You." He ended with a smile, waiting
for her to raise her head and look at him.
"Angel, please, don't," she whispered, her voice anguished, she tried to
pull her hand away.
He didn't let her, "Buffy. You know that I'm attracted to you. I was from
the first moment I saw you and that hasn't changed. And you would be a fool
if you didn't know that I want a relationship with you. It's up to you what
kind. And you're attracted to me."
"I'm not-" she whispered a weak protest.
"The hell you're not," he said forcefully, his voice rising. "Why are you
denying it? I can feel your hand trembling in mine. I could see it in your
eyes when I kissed your hand the last time we saw each other. Why are you
fighting it? You're still a young woman, Buffy. There is so much waiting for
you. Or did you love Riley so much that you want to spend the rest of your
life mourning him?"
Buffy stared at him as if he'd slapped her. She made a little noise of distress,
and then clamped her free hand over her mouth to stop a moan. Her
eyes were huge and full of pain. Pulling her hand away from his with all her
might, she got clumsily to her feet, snatched her jacket from the back of
her chair and yanked it on.
Angel stood as well, "Buffy, I'm sorry," he murmured, reaching out, taking
hold of her arm. "I didn't mean-"
"Leave me alone!" she hissed. Tears were burning her eyes and she tried to
pull free, to escape, before she would break down in front of him and cry.
Oh, God, she couldn't do it.
She couldn't bear this.
She couldn't... couldn't... couldn't...
"I don't want to be near you," she whispered, her voice anguished again, "I
don't want... Just let go of me!"
"Oh, hell," Angel ran his free hand through his hair, "I didn't mean to
upset you, baby, I..."
She twisted free and took a step back as her first tear fell. He stood
there, looking so uncertain, so angry with himself for saying what he had,
so distressed, and he didn't try to reach for her again. Taking a ragged
breath, she wiped the tears away, "Don't call me baby," she hissed, ignoring
the way her gut twisted at the sight of him, "I'm not your baby. I'm... Just
stay away," she ordered, then turned and bolted from the coffee shop.
*****
The bottle looked so tempting. The liquid would soothe her nerves, would
warm her from the inside, where she was so cold, so cold and alone. It would
be so easy to give in, she thought, to forget the anguish and pain Angel's
words had caused her.
Buffy had run all the way home and only when she closed the door behind her,
she allowed herself to relax a little bit.
'Did you love Riley so much that you want to spend the rest of your life
mourning him?' Angel had asked. God, he had no idea. He had absolutely no
idea.
"Of course he hasn't, how would he? You told him you loved Riley."
Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Why was this happening to her,
for God's sake? She wasn't a slayer anymore, so why on earth was her
apartment suddenly haunted.
"Because you need me," Joyce Summers said simply, materializing in the
middle of her daughter's living room.
"I don't need you," Buffy ground out through gritted teeth. "Not at all."
"What do you need then?" her mother tilted her head and eyed the younger
blond speculatively. "A glass of Bourbon? Well," she nodded at the untouched
bottle on the shelf, "go ahead. Open it. But it won't change anything.
Granted, you'll probably feel better for a little while, but the problems
won't go away. They will still be waiting for you the moment, you wake up
again. Nothing will change the fact that you never loved your husband."
Buffy's head jerked around, and she stared at her mother, her breath ragged,
"I did love Riley," she replied, her voice strained. "I loved him."
"Yes, of course you did," Joyce said gently, "I should've tried to explain
myself better. You loved him, yes. But you were never in love with him. You
were married to him for almost 20 years. You had three children and he loved
you more than anything in the world, but you-"
"Stop," Buffy shouted, tears streaming down her face, "Stop," she pleaded,
"Please, stop."
"No," her mother said mercilessly, coming closer, "It's time to face the
truth, honey. Running away from it, doesn't change it either. The reason why
you push Angel away is that you feel guilty because you couldn't give Riley
the kind of love you still feel for Angel. Am I right?"
"NO," Buffy shouted again, frantically shaking her head, "No, no, no," she
repeated like a mantra. "I did love Riley. I loved him. I loved... Oh God,"
she moaned finally, breaking down on the floor, her whole body trembling,
she folded her arms tightly around herself and rocked back and forth, sobs
tearing from her throat, "Oh God," she moaned again. "I... I always hoped
that given enough time I would fall in love with him. I tried, God, Mom, I
tried."
Mrs. Summers crouched down beside her daughter, cursing her ghostly
appearance for the first time, because it prevented her from touching the
tortured woman in front of her. "I know, honey, I know," she said softly. "I
don't blame you. I would never do that. You blame yourself. You need to
forgive yourself, Buffy."
Her daughter raised her head, turned her tormented eyes on her mother, "How
can I? I did something horrible. I married a man, a good man, who loved me
dearly, but I never... not for one moment, could love him the way he
deserved it. I betrayed him, Mom."
"And now you're going to deny yourself that kind of love to punish
yourself?" Joyce said, and it wasn't really a question. "Buffy, Riley was a
grown man. Did you ever lie to him and tell him you loved him?"
"I... not with words," her daughter said after a moment, "But that doesn't
change-"
"Anything, I know," her mother said gently and sighed. Then she tried
another approach, "And what did Angel do to deserve this?" she asked.
Buffy frowned, "What do you mean? Angel's got nothing to do with this."
"Hasn't he?" Joyce raised her brows. "I think he has. Denying yourself love
and give love also means you're denying it to him."
"He'll find another woman," Buffy replied stubbornly, "He's too young for me
anyway."
Her mother had to chuckle, "Oh, Buffy. You know that's nonsense. Angel might
still look like 26, but he isn't and you know it. He loves you. He always
did. Do you think he would've been able to leave you, if he hadn't loved you
the way he does? And don't tell me again, he'll find another one. After 20
years he came back to you. He heard about Riley's death and only an hour
later he sat in a car set on Sunnydale. He doesn't love you? He'll find
another one? Try again, Buffy."
"But..." the younger blond combed a hand through her hair, "I feel so
guilty. Every time Angel smiles at me, every time he takes my hand I feel
like I'm allowing myself to feel things I couldn't give Riley, things he
couldn't make me feel."
"You feel guilty," Joyce said simply, "I know. Do you know another person
who felt guilty for a long time, probably still feels that way?"
"Angel," Buffy whispered, wiping her tears away.
"There you go," her mother replied, "Angel. So why don't you tell him how
you feel about the two of you? Talk to him. If anyone knows how to deal with
guilt, it's him. Why don't you let him help you, instead of pushing him
away? Don't you think he'd understand what you're going through? Baby, don't
bury yourself in pain and guilt. Life is too short. And think about your
kids. They deserve a mother who's happy. I think the last six months were
hard enough on them."
Her daughter looked up and the eyes of the two women met, "Thanks, Mom,"
Buffy whispered after a moment, "Thanks for being my mother. For being
there."
"I'm just a ghost," Joyce smiled at her.
"Yeah," Buffy managed to smile as well. "A ghost. But you do a damn good job
as one."
"I'm sure they will be glad to hear it," the older woman replied.
The ex-slayer quirked a brow, "They?"
Her mother made a dismissive gesture with her hand, "Forget about it. For
now, just try to think about yourself, your children and Angel. Will you
promise me to try?"
"Why?" Buffy asked, suddenly alarmed, "Are you going away? Won't we meet
again?"
"Maybe we will," Joyce smiled. "But for the moment I think my work is done.
I love you, honey."
"I love you too, mom," Buffy replied and watched as the image of her mother
faded, leaving her alone in her living room. Yes, Angel knew about guilt.
Maybe he could teach her how to deal with her own. Maybe he could help her
find a way to help live with what she's done. And maybe, just maybe, then
she could allow herself to be happy again.
... to be continued
Translation: the waiter, Giovanni, says "la bella bionda signora", and
it means: the beautiful blond lady
Buffy scolded herself inwardly for thinking about Angel again. But with an
inward sigh she knew it was in vain. No matter how hard she tried to get him
out of her head, it was no use. What annoyed her even more was the fact that
she felt irritated that he hadn't called or come to her apartment so far.
Three days ago he had gotten her to promise to have lunch with him some day
and he hadn't called. Not once. You're an idiot, she told herself silently
while strolling through the Sunnydale mall. It was the first time she'd come
here since she'd stopped drinking a week ago. She needed some distraction to
get her mind off her problems, namely Angel and Joyce.
Her eldest daughter was still openly hostile towards her mother, talked to
her only if there was no other way around it, had blocked all of Buffy's
attempts to get her to move back home. The social worker had agreed that Ben
and Marlie should go home with her mother, even encouraged it and explained
to Willow that the stability of caring for kids was important for Buffy at
the moment and that the children simply needed their mother. Willow had
agreed wholeheartedly. It had distressed her a great deal to see her best
friend so unhappy.
Joyce was meant to go home as well, but she plainly refused. Willow and Tara
had tried to talk to her, reason with her, but the girl was stubborn. With a
shake of her head and a little laugh, Buffy had to admit that it was a
streak that came from her. Riley had never really been stubborn. No, the
former commando had been very understanding, loving and gentle with all of
them. Sighing again, Buffy pushed another pang of guilt aside and tried to
concentrate on the shops she was walking by. Maybe she would find something
for Joyce.
"Well, if that isn't the Buffster bright and ready to kick."
Grinning, she looked up. There was no mistaking the voice, she'd known more
than half her life, "Xand," she exclaimed happily. "What a surprise. Hey
Tony," she greeted the little boy sitting astride his father's shoulders,
grinning as well. Anthony Harris was three years old and center of
everyone's attention in the Harris family. He'd come when nobody had
expected him. Anya had already been in the fourth month until she'd realized
she was really pregnant and after being stunned for a short while they had
welcomed him with open arms. He was seven years younger than his next
sibling, Jesse, with the twins being 14 now and his eldest brother, Alex,
who was 16 and sometimes acted as if Tony was his own.
"Buffy," the boy cried happily, reaching out his little arms towards here.
"Now that's a guy after my own heart. Three years old and already a ladies
man," Xander joked and removing the child from his shoulder he handed it to
the blond.
She smiled at him, one of her two oldest and best friends, streaks of gray
in the hair at his temples, but the smile on his face still full of the same
mischief it had always been. "What are you doing here?" she asked, holding
Tony's little body close to hers.
"I took a day off because Tony insisted of choosing the birthday present for
his sisters all by himself."
Buffy's eyes widened and then she slapped herself on the forehead, "Jenny's
and Kerry's birthday, of course. They're going to be fifteen. My God, the
time is racing."
"True words of an adult," Xander remarked and grinned. "But you're right.
It's hard to believe that we were ever been that young." He sighed almost
dramatically and made Buffy grin. Grinning himself, he said, "We're having
the party next week and of course you and the kids are invited. Jesse
wouldn't be able to celebrate without Ben and I'm not sure, but I think Alex
has a crush on your daughter."
"God help me," Buffy groaned, but her grin didn't fade. "A long time ago, it
seems like a lifetime, my mom said I had no idea what parenting was until my
kids started dating, I had no idea how right she was."
"The joys of parenthood," Xander said with all the knowledge of the
five-time father. He reached out to swap his son back in his arms. "He's
heavy," he remarked, ignoring the protest of his youngest, "and you're no
slayer anymore."
"Unfortunately," she replied, stretching her aching arms, "that's true. Most
of the time I can't believe I miss it. But I do. Some nights I think it
would be kind of neat to go out and pummel some demon or..." she trailed
off, her gaze on Tony who was listening with curiosity. "Not the best
subject at the moment," she said.
"Oh, I don't mind. With Anya as a mother, they can't help knowing about a
lot of strange things," he grimaced, "Tony's first word was demon."
Buffy bit her lower lip and stifled a laugh. Anya's kid knowing the word
demon before anything else was extremely amusing. It figured. "Well-" she
started, but was cut off when Xander's expression suddenly changed to one of
utter amazement, and he muttered, "Willow already told me he was human, but
seeing him here in the sunlight. I think I need to sit down."
"Huh?" Buffy stared at him for a moment, and then whirled around to see what
had caused his sudden reaction. Of course she should have know, she told
herself, when her eyes fell on Angel who was walking towards them wearing
faded blue jeans that were snug enough to be like a second skin and a long
sleeved colorful shirt. The clothes were so totally un-Angel, that she
couldn't help gaping at him.
He stopped a few feet away, his eyes flickering to Xander for a moment,
before they rested on her, "Buffy," he smiled, taking another, tentative,
step towards them. "Hello, Xander and hi," he said, grinning at Tony,
"Whoever you are."
"Angel," Buffy replied, a little bit annoyed with the joy that flooded her
at his sight, "That's Tony. He's Xander's youngest."
"Hi Tony," Angel said instantly and was rewarded by the boy with a wide grin
and an enthusiastic, "Hi," in return.
"Hey, Angel," Xander said, looking a little bit faint. Willow had told him
about Angel being in Sunnydale, had even told him that he was human now, but
to see the ex-vampire in the sunlight, wearing what other guys did, and
looking the same as he had before, was a bit much. "You look... good."
"Thanks," Angel took the compliment with an easy smile that made Buffy's
stomach flutter. Gee, she was forty years old but being near Angel made her
feel like a teenager.
He directed his gaze at the blond, "I was looking for you. I tried to call
you but you weren't at your apartment and Willow told me you were going to
the mall."
While Xander simply raised his brows, Buffy found herself smiling back at
him, "Looking for me, huh? Whatever for?"
"You said you would have lunch with me, maybe a cup of coffee?" he replied,
then turned his wrist to look at his watch, "It's almost 12:30, so..." he
trailed off, gazing at her expectantly.
The ex-slayer's eyes widened slightly, "Oh... yeah, well..." she turned to
look at Xander, but he held his hand up. "Don't look at me," he said. "Go,
have your coffee. You've grown much too thin anyway," he grinned when he saw
her roll her eyes. "Besides, Tony and I need to keep looking for a present
for his sisters."
Buffy gave her friend a last glance, then sighed, "Well, it seems I'm free.
So coffee it is. Why don't we - oh shi..." she smiled apologetically at
Xander, for her slip in front of his youngest, but he just grinned. "I mean,
I forgot about the kids. I need to get Ben from school and then Marlie is
with Willow today, I need to get her afterwards. I'm sorry, Angel, I can't."
Angel was about to answer, when Xander put a hand on the blonde's shoulder,
"No worries. I need to pick up Jesse, so I just take Ben too and drive him
to Willow's. You can pick up both kids there later. What do you think?"
Buffy bit her lower lip, "Only if-"
"It's absolutely no problem," Xander said, quickly glancing at Angel. "Go,
have some coffee. Enjoy your day." He practically shoved her towards the
ex-vampire. "Have fun," he added and winked, then slowly walked away talking
to his son, inwardly discussing if he might be possessed. Had he actually
tried to give Buffy the opportunity to be with Angel?
*
They found a free table at a little coffee shop that had opened about two
years ago. Willow and Buffy came to it from time to time to meet and just
talk. The owner was Italian, and the witch swore he made the best coffee on
this planet. When the waiter, whose name was Giovanni, spotted them, he came
rushing over.
"Ahhh, la bella bionda signora," he smiled appreciatively at Buffy, ignoring
Angel's instant scowl.
"Giovanni," Buffy smiled at him, then introduced Angel to him. "This is a
friend of mine. Angel. We need some coffee, Giovanni. Decaf for me."
The waiter rolled his eyes, but obediently wrote her order down. "Decaf," he
shook his head while writing, "What a horrible American custom. Why drinking
coffee at all if not for the caffeine?" he shook his head again, then
shifted his gaze towards Angel, "Ah, I understand. What an appropriate
name." His eyes traveled with the same expression over the ex-vampire as
they had over Buffy just before and Angel couldn't help feeling
uncomfortable. From the glimpse in the waiter's eyes it was unmistakable
that the man was gay. It wasn't that Angel was a prude, but blame it on his
18th century and Irish catholic upbringing that he didn't like the way
Giovanni was looking at him. Inwardly the ex-vampire shook his head over his
own behavior. He had been a vampire for 250 odd years and there was probably
nothing on this planet he hadn't seen or done.
He forced himself out of his thoughts when he saw Giovanni looking at him
expectantly, "Espresso for me," he told him and with an approving nod the
waiter left.
Turning his head, Angel saw Buffy grinning at him, "It's kind of cute to see
you like that," she remarked.
"Like what?" he asked, but of course knew what she was talking about.
"Like you don't know what to do. And to see that for all your long lifetime
experience you're still very 18th century."
He chuckled, "I just thought the same thing. I really don't mind people
being gay or lesbian. I really don't. Hell, I even-" he stopped himself, not
willing to go there, "But there is some part of me, deep down, I don't even
realize it's there most of the time and then," he shook his head again,
"zap, there it is."
"I don't mind," she replied, smiling now, "I like you the way you are. Old
fashioned manners and all. Do you know that you and maybe Giles are the only
men I know who always get up when a woman is in the room? Xander doesn't
even know what that means. Don't get me wrong. I love him dearly. He's one
of the best friends I ever had, but he's hopeless."
"He's Xander," Angel said with a mixture of sarcasm and humor in his voice
that made Buffy laugh.
"That's as true as can be. There isn't really a word in this world to
describe him. Anya calls him unique," she laughed again, "And that from a
woman who was a demon for over 1000 years and who's unique in her own way."
"Slaying certainly provides an uncommon circle of friends," he replied with
a smile.
"Yeah," Buffy agreed, "but I couldn't wish for better ones. I was gifted
with a father I never would've had otherwise, and with two friends who went
with me through thick and thin."
Angel wanted to comment, telling her that she'd also gotten a husband out of
the whole deal, but Giovanni came and brought their coffees. Before the
waiter left he winked at Angel, which made the ex-vampire groan as soon as
he had left their table. When he saw Buffy grin wickedly, Angel glared at
her, "It's not funny."
"Oh, yes it is," she replied, laughing hard, "Usually the women are at the
receiving end of such things. It's a nice change to see a man squirm
instead."
"I don't squirm."
"Do too," she said, still grinning. "You said yourself that you don't like
the way he's looking at you." She giggled, "He thinks you're a dish, and I
can't really blame him." Suddenly realizing what had just slipped over her
lips, she broke off in embarrassment and color began to rise up her neck.
"I-" she started, averting her eyes, but he reached out and put one of his
large hands on hers.
"Don't," he said quietly, "I already told you, you are still beautiful,
maybe even more, because you're a mature woman now, not the girl you once
were. And I'm glad that you like looking at me. I mean, I'm not fixated on
looks. Not at all, but it's part of the whole package and I'm really very
attracted to it. The package, I mean. You." He ended with a smile, waiting
for her to raise her head and look at him.
"Angel, please, don't," she whispered, her voice anguished, she tried to
pull her hand away.
He didn't let her, "Buffy. You know that I'm attracted to you. I was from
the first moment I saw you and that hasn't changed. And you would be a fool
if you didn't know that I want a relationship with you. It's up to you what
kind. And you're attracted to me."
"I'm not-" she whispered a weak protest.
"The hell you're not," he said forcefully, his voice rising. "Why are you
denying it? I can feel your hand trembling in mine. I could see it in your
eyes when I kissed your hand the last time we saw each other. Why are you
fighting it? You're still a young woman, Buffy. There is so much waiting for
you. Or did you love Riley so much that you want to spend the rest of your
life mourning him?"
Buffy stared at him as if he'd slapped her. She made a little noise of distress,
and then clamped her free hand over her mouth to stop a moan. Her
eyes were huge and full of pain. Pulling her hand away from his with all her
might, she got clumsily to her feet, snatched her jacket from the back of
her chair and yanked it on.
Angel stood as well, "Buffy, I'm sorry," he murmured, reaching out, taking
hold of her arm. "I didn't mean-"
"Leave me alone!" she hissed. Tears were burning her eyes and she tried to
pull free, to escape, before she would break down in front of him and cry.
Oh, God, she couldn't do it.
She couldn't bear this.
She couldn't... couldn't... couldn't...
"I don't want to be near you," she whispered, her voice anguished again, "I
don't want... Just let go of me!"
"Oh, hell," Angel ran his free hand through his hair, "I didn't mean to
upset you, baby, I..."
She twisted free and took a step back as her first tear fell. He stood
there, looking so uncertain, so angry with himself for saying what he had,
so distressed, and he didn't try to reach for her again. Taking a ragged
breath, she wiped the tears away, "Don't call me baby," she hissed, ignoring
the way her gut twisted at the sight of him, "I'm not your baby. I'm... Just
stay away," she ordered, then turned and bolted from the coffee shop.
*****
The bottle looked so tempting. The liquid would soothe her nerves, would
warm her from the inside, where she was so cold, so cold and alone. It would
be so easy to give in, she thought, to forget the anguish and pain Angel's
words had caused her.
Buffy had run all the way home and only when she closed the door behind her,
she allowed herself to relax a little bit.
'Did you love Riley so much that you want to spend the rest of your life
mourning him?' Angel had asked. God, he had no idea. He had absolutely no
idea.
"Of course he hasn't, how would he? You told him you loved Riley."
Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Why was this happening to her,
for God's sake? She wasn't a slayer anymore, so why on earth was her
apartment suddenly haunted.
"Because you need me," Joyce Summers said simply, materializing in the
middle of her daughter's living room.
"I don't need you," Buffy ground out through gritted teeth. "Not at all."
"What do you need then?" her mother tilted her head and eyed the younger
blond speculatively. "A glass of Bourbon? Well," she nodded at the untouched
bottle on the shelf, "go ahead. Open it. But it won't change anything.
Granted, you'll probably feel better for a little while, but the problems
won't go away. They will still be waiting for you the moment, you wake up
again. Nothing will change the fact that you never loved your husband."
Buffy's head jerked around, and she stared at her mother, her breath ragged,
"I did love Riley," she replied, her voice strained. "I loved him."
"Yes, of course you did," Joyce said gently, "I should've tried to explain
myself better. You loved him, yes. But you were never in love with him. You
were married to him for almost 20 years. You had three children and he loved
you more than anything in the world, but you-"
"Stop," Buffy shouted, tears streaming down her face, "Stop," she pleaded,
"Please, stop."
"No," her mother said mercilessly, coming closer, "It's time to face the
truth, honey. Running away from it, doesn't change it either. The reason why
you push Angel away is that you feel guilty because you couldn't give Riley
the kind of love you still feel for Angel. Am I right?"
"NO," Buffy shouted again, frantically shaking her head, "No, no, no," she
repeated like a mantra. "I did love Riley. I loved him. I loved... Oh God,"
she moaned finally, breaking down on the floor, her whole body trembling,
she folded her arms tightly around herself and rocked back and forth, sobs
tearing from her throat, "Oh God," she moaned again. "I... I always hoped
that given enough time I would fall in love with him. I tried, God, Mom, I
tried."
Mrs. Summers crouched down beside her daughter, cursing her ghostly
appearance for the first time, because it prevented her from touching the
tortured woman in front of her. "I know, honey, I know," she said softly. "I
don't blame you. I would never do that. You blame yourself. You need to
forgive yourself, Buffy."
Her daughter raised her head, turned her tormented eyes on her mother, "How
can I? I did something horrible. I married a man, a good man, who loved me
dearly, but I never... not for one moment, could love him the way he
deserved it. I betrayed him, Mom."
"And now you're going to deny yourself that kind of love to punish
yourself?" Joyce said, and it wasn't really a question. "Buffy, Riley was a
grown man. Did you ever lie to him and tell him you loved him?"
"I... not with words," her daughter said after a moment, "But that doesn't
change-"
"Anything, I know," her mother said gently and sighed. Then she tried
another approach, "And what did Angel do to deserve this?" she asked.
Buffy frowned, "What do you mean? Angel's got nothing to do with this."
"Hasn't he?" Joyce raised her brows. "I think he has. Denying yourself love
and give love also means you're denying it to him."
"He'll find another woman," Buffy replied stubbornly, "He's too young for me
anyway."
Her mother had to chuckle, "Oh, Buffy. You know that's nonsense. Angel might
still look like 26, but he isn't and you know it. He loves you. He always
did. Do you think he would've been able to leave you, if he hadn't loved you
the way he does? And don't tell me again, he'll find another one. After 20
years he came back to you. He heard about Riley's death and only an hour
later he sat in a car set on Sunnydale. He doesn't love you? He'll find
another one? Try again, Buffy."
"But..." the younger blond combed a hand through her hair, "I feel so
guilty. Every time Angel smiles at me, every time he takes my hand I feel
like I'm allowing myself to feel things I couldn't give Riley, things he
couldn't make me feel."
"You feel guilty," Joyce said simply, "I know. Do you know another person
who felt guilty for a long time, probably still feels that way?"
"Angel," Buffy whispered, wiping her tears away.
"There you go," her mother replied, "Angel. So why don't you tell him how
you feel about the two of you? Talk to him. If anyone knows how to deal with
guilt, it's him. Why don't you let him help you, instead of pushing him
away? Don't you think he'd understand what you're going through? Baby, don't
bury yourself in pain and guilt. Life is too short. And think about your
kids. They deserve a mother who's happy. I think the last six months were
hard enough on them."
Her daughter looked up and the eyes of the two women met, "Thanks, Mom,"
Buffy whispered after a moment, "Thanks for being my mother. For being
there."
"I'm just a ghost," Joyce smiled at her.
"Yeah," Buffy managed to smile as well. "A ghost. But you do a damn good job
as one."
"I'm sure they will be glad to hear it," the older woman replied.
The ex-slayer quirked a brow, "They?"
Her mother made a dismissive gesture with her hand, "Forget about it. For
now, just try to think about yourself, your children and Angel. Will you
promise me to try?"
"Why?" Buffy asked, suddenly alarmed, "Are you going away? Won't we meet
again?"
"Maybe we will," Joyce smiled. "But for the moment I think my work is done.
I love you, honey."
"I love you too, mom," Buffy replied and watched as the image of her mother
faded, leaving her alone in her living room. Yes, Angel knew about guilt.
Maybe he could teach her how to deal with her own. Maybe he could help her
find a way to help live with what she's done. And maybe, just maybe, then
she could allow herself to be happy again.
... to be continued
