Just Human, Chapter 10:MORE BABY STEPS AND LUSTY THOUGHTS

Buffy sighed and looked around her apartment. It was neat and tidy and it
was the dream of each hard working single mother, but this morning she
wasn't happy about it. After Ben left for school and she'd walked Marlie to
kindergarten, she'd come back eager to do something - anything. She would
have gladly vacuumed or dusted or even washed dishes, but there was plain
nothing to do for her.

Which meant there was time to think. And although she knew her mother was
right, it was painful to face the truth and Buffy still shied away from it.
She wasn't sure she was ready to deal with it. With the fact that she hadn't
loved her husband.

No, she corrected herself immediately she had loved him. She had loved him
dearly in fact, but she also loved Xander or Willow. The problem was that
she hadn't been in love with Riley. Not for a minute.

Riley had returned at a crucial point in her life, at a time where she'd
been ready to give up, to let go and he'd carefully and patiently picked up
the pieces and helped her to stand on her own feet again, to accept the fact
that her mother and Dawn had died and that there was still a lot left to
look forward to.

And Buffy had needed him. God, how she needed him with his love, his
attention, and his warmth. She had inhaled everything he'd given to her and
given him nothing in return. Sure, she had married him, and still remembered
the radiant smile on his face when she'd walked towards him in the church,
and they had three children, but it wasn't the same. She had never felt for
Riley what she felt for Angel, she had never loved Riley in that
all-consuming way she loved, had always loved, Angel.

And God help her, she'd known from the start. Even when she felt lost and
lonely, when nothing made sense anymore, she knew that she was turning
to Riley because it was comfortable, because he was familiar and because she
trusted him. She had known that she didn't love him, but had accepted his
proposal nevertheless. True, she had never lied to him, never pretended to
feel something she didn't, but somehow that didn't make her feel better.

Buffy had once told Willow about her confused feelings and in true Willow
fashion the witch had smiled gently and told her the story of Oz and Tara.
Which, Buffy had to admit was a lot like her own. Willow had loved Oz, with
all her heart, with her soul. He had left and in an attempt to avoid
loneliness she had found love and warmth where she'd never expected it, in
the arms of another woman. Her love for Tara, so Willow had told Buffy, was
comfortable, more quiet, and safe. Oz had hurt her badly by leaving, by
getting naked with another woman, and so she'd looked for something safe,
something that wouldn't hurt as badly again.

The difference was that gradually it had changed and Willow's love for Tara
these days was as strong as ever, and the redhead had told her friend that
after a few years she'd fallen in love with the other witch. That had never
happened to Buffy with Riley. Of course she never told Willow that. The
witch wouldn't have understood. She would've looked sternly and told Buffy,
she was grown up now and needed to move on.

So deep inside, Buffy had always known, that her feelings for Riley weren't
even close to what she felt for Angel. But she had kept hoping, for a
miracle, for what had happened to Willow, had hoped that one day she would
wake up and be madly in love with Riley. It had never happened, and it never
would because he was dead now. Which was one of the main problems. There
wasn't a way to make it up to him now. She couldn't go on being the perfect,
understanding wife for him anymore. She had to face the fact that he had
never received the same love he'd so freely given to her.

By accepting Angel back in her life, she would have to admit it. She would
be confronted with those feelings on a daily basis, would feel the
difference in every caress, every kiss, and every look he gave her. The jolt
she'd felt when he'd laid his hand on hers yesterday in the coffee shop had
shaken her to the bone. She would have to admit that Riley had never been
more than a substitute, a second best, because she hadn't been able to have
the real thing.

Was she able to do it, she wondered? Yesterday, shortly after her mother had
vanished, she'd been sure, she would - with Angel's help. But could she
really? Could she deal with the constant guilt? Or would it kill her love
for Angel in the end?

'You'll never know without risking it,' her mother's voice floated through
the air and Buffy whirled around, but saw nobody. She closed her eyes for a
moment. Yes, that was true. She would never know without risking it. And she
would never stop asking herself what would've happened if she hadn't at
least tried.

Opening her eyes again, she took a deep breath and reached for the phone.

*****

One of the disadvantages of being human was that a mortal body needed rest
more regularly than a vampire's. Angel had almost forgotten about that, but
he hadn't slept at all last night, and there wasn't much human in the way he
felt this morning.

After Buffy had run from the coffee shop he had managed to pay their drinks
and after aimlessly wandering around in Sunnydale for hours, without being
able to find a solution for the turmoil in his head, he'd called Willow to
ask her to look after Buffy. He hadn't elaborated why he was worried, and
the redhead, bless her, hadn't asked. Half an hour later she'd called him
back and told him that Buffy had been with her to collect her children, and
that besides red eyes from crying she seemed fine.

Fine.

Angel snorted. Buffy was many things, she was smart, she was breathtakingly
beautiful, she was the woman he wanted more than anything, but most
certainly she wasn't fine. Not after what he'd said to her in the coffee
shop. He had to be the single stupidest guy on the planet. It seemed where
Buffy was concerned he wasn't able to act reasonable.

First he'd kissed her like some madman at the hospital, and although he was
sure she had enjoyed being kissed, he wasn't proud that he'd acted the way
he had. And after she'd forgiven him for that, and everything seemed to go
smoothly for a change he had to throw Riley in her face. Well done,
Angel. And maybe you could go and kick a dog or slap a child and then you'd
be a real sweetheart.

He ran a hand through his hair and then over his face, taking note that he
needed to shave. Sighing he walked over to the bathroom, smiling when his
eyes fell on the electric razor, the way he always did and his thoughts
wandered to Cordelia. The brunette had insisted he was going to use an
electric razor after he turned human. She'd said there had been enough blood
in her life already and she wouldn't stand by and watch Angel cutting
himself on a regular basis.

He chuckled and started the razor, when suddenly his cell phone rang. He put
the razor down and answered it, "Yes, Angel here."

"Hi."

The phone almost dropped from his hand, "Buffy?" he asked in shock, not
daring to believe that she was really talking to him.

"Yeah," she sounded a bit uncertain and hesitant.

"God, Buffy," he said, "I'm so-"

"Don't say it," she interrupted him and he heard her taking a deep breath,
"Angel, I... I think we need to talk. Could you... if you don't have
anything-"

"No," this time he interrupted her. "I don't have anything to do."

There was a smile in her voice when she continued, "Good. Then would you
come over? Say in about an hour. Could you do that?"

"Yes," he answered quickly, afraid she would take her offer back.

"Okay," she sounded relieved and anxious at the same time, "See you then."

"Yes, see you," he replied and switched the phone off with a stunned
expression on his face. Then, quickly he went for the bathroom, all fatigue
suddenly vanished.

*****

Tentatively Willow knocked at the door to Joyce's room and when she heard
her call, she entered, "Hi," she said and smiled at the teenager who was
lying sprawled on her bed. "I just wanted to see how you are."

"I'm fine," Joyce replied, not looking up. "It's a bit boring, but I'm not
really sad that our English and Math teachers are both having the flu."

"I'll bet," the witch said with a twinkle in her eyes. "What are you doing?"
she asked, nodding at the magazine in front of the girl.

"Nothing," Joyce sighed and threw it on the floor. "Willow," she asked
suddenly, staring at the ceiling, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." The redhead closed the door behind her, and sat down at the
edge of the bed, "You can ask me what you want."

"Do you think I'm a bad person?"

Willow frowned, stunned by the question, wondering how a girl of Joyce's age
could ask something like that. "A bad person?" she echoed. "Why would you
think that?"

Joyce shrugged, "I don't know. Did you hear about Marlie and Ben? Are they
okay?"

A bit surprised with the change of the subject, Willow needed a moment to
answer, "Yes. Yes, they're fine. In fact they were both here yesterday. I
was very sorry that you had to stay in school the whole day and couldn't see
them. Your mother came too."

Something flickered over the girl's face, but it was soon gone, "So Mom's
staying sober for a change?" she asked sarcastically.

"Yes," the witch replied, "Buffy seems to... she's Buffy again. I'm so
happy. She had a hard time, Joyce. She had to deal with a lot."

"Yeah, her husband died," Joyce burst out, sitting upright on her bed, "but
he was my dad too. I miss him too, but I didn't go and drink myself half to
death."

"No, you didn't," Willow said gently, "And that's good. It seems you're very
strong. But, Joyce, losing a husband is different than losing a parent. Or
maybe Buffy isn't as strong as you. Honey, she never did it to hurt you. I
think, she just... couldn't deal for a while."

The teenager jumped up, whirled around and glared at Willow, "Yeah. Sure.
Mom couldn't deal. Well, too bad. Nobody ever asked me if I could deal," she
shouted, tears springing in her eyes, "I lost my dad. I loved my dad," her
voice cracked, "I mis- miss him, oh God," she moaned, "Willow I miss him so
much."

With two strides Willow was by her side and folded the trembling girl in her
arms. Stroking her back and head, the witch whispered, "Shhh, it's okay.
Shhh. I know you miss him."

"I w-wanted to t-talk w-with mom, but sh-she," Joyce sobbed, and then broke
off, crying hard on the redhead's shoulder.

"I know, sweetheart, I know," Willow said gently and continued stroking the
girl. "It was as if you lost her as well, wasn't it?"

"Y-yes," Joyce sniffed, slightly pulling back.

"Then why don't you go and try to talk to her now? I know she's at home and
I just know that she's dying to see you. Take a shower, get dressed and go
home."

"You think?" Joyce asked with the voice of a small child.

"Yes, I do," Willow said firmly, smiling at the girl, framing her face with
her hands. "Your mother loves you very much, Joyce. And she needs you. Just
the way you need her."

*****

Buffy switched the phone off and stared at it. Had she done the right thing,
she wondered? Well, she had to talk to Angel. She couldn't leave the
situation the way it was. They might not have seen each other for a long
time, and she had no idea what would come out of this meeting, but Angel
meant too much to her to just ignore him.

Meant too much to her. That was the joke of the century. There had been a
time when he'd meant everything to her and she knew that it could easily
happen again. Of course there were her children and she loved them, but
already she could feel the familiar longing, now that she had accepted her
feelings and was determined to face them. She could feel her heart beating
faster only thinking he would be here soon.

He was attracted to her, he had said and Buffy wasn't young and stupid
enough anymore to mistake his intentions. He wanted to make love to her.
Every gesture, every look he gave her, told her that as clear as day. He was
human now, the curse was gone and there was no reason for him to hold back
anymore. If she agreed to have a relationship with him, it would sooner or
later lead to one thing. Sex.

But unlike on her 17th birthday she felt nervous about it. No, that was
wrong. She had been nervous on her 17th birthday. But it had been different.
It had been that kind of nervous you were when you didn't know what to
expect. She had been a virgin then, inexperienced and Angel had expected her
not to know about the real thing.

But now, 23 years and two lovers later, one of them her husband of 18 years,
a man with whom she had shared bed and body almost each night, she was
surely expected to know things. And yet, she didn't. Of course she knew what
was going on. Of course Riley and she had done more than just one position,
but their marriage, their love-making had never been wild passion, had never
been out of control. It had been gentle and loving most of the times and so
even after 23 years she felt inadequate. Inadequate for a person who had
lived more than 250 years and whose sexual experience went far beyond her
imagination.

Angel had been gentle and understanding that first and only time, he'd been
careful not to hurt her, hadn't thought about himself, not for a moment.
Now, things were different. She was a grown woman and he had a right to
expect things. Had a right to think about satisfying his needs.

But how on earth was she going to satisfy a lover like him? A lover who had
lived over 250 years. Who had slept with hundreds of women, had probably
done everything and knew everything about sex and making love. She and Riley
had never used jeweled handcuffs - or handcuffs at all, for that matter - or
the other kinky stuff that was so modern these days.

Would Angel think she was boring because she didn't know about these things?
Would he lose interest after one or two times? And God, she didn't want him
to lose interest. Her whole life she had wanted nothing more than to be with
this man and now that he was available she wanted to hold him - forever. And
she would hold him even if that meant embarrassing herself by walking into a
bookstore to buy the Karma Sutra.

It would be hard enough to deal with all the looks from young women seeing
her with a man who seemed so much younger than her. And even if she didn't
look like 40 the mere fact that her oldest child would be 18 in six months
told the whole story. People would look at her, and then at Joyce and then
at Angel and wonder what that old woman did with her daughter and her
daughter's boyfriend.

Oh God, don't even go there, she scolded herself. And besides Angel was
coming to talk and she was already planning to seduce him. If she could
seduce him, that is. She had never needed to seduce Riley. If she thought
back the initiative for sex had always come from him. Or mostly.

How did you seduce an ex-vampire?

Suddenly catching on to what she was thinking, Buffy rolled her eyes over
herself. Get a hold on yourself, Summers, she scolded inwardly. Keep your
lusty thoughts to yourself and your hormones in check. Angel would hardly
appreciate it if you throw yourself at him. "Down girl," she ordered aloud
and firmly pushing naughty images away she went to the kitchen to make some
coffee.

... to be continued