Just Human, Chapter 11: UNEXPECTED DISCOVERIES

"Hi."

She stood there like an angel, smiling at him, inviting him in with her eyes
and Angel almost forgot how to breathe. Had he thought she was beautiful? He
was wrong she was overwhelmingly exquisite. Her blond hair fell loose and
was shining like gold. Her hazel eyes sparkled and unlike the other times,
she'd even carefully applied makeup. She wore black slacks and a white, long
sleeved blouse.

"Hi," he managed finally glad his voice was working at all.

"Come in," she said and then led him to the living room, a way he knew by
now. "I just made fresh coffee. Do you want some?"

"Is it decaf?" he asked and was rewarded with another of her smiles.

"Why don't you like it?" she wanted to know.

He shrugged, "I'm not quite sure, but it could have something to do with the
fact that Cordy likes decaf. I really like her, you know, but her coffee is
something to be remembered." He shuddered slightly and Buffy laughed. "How
Wesley's able to stand it is beyond me."

"I'm sure they make quite a couple," she replied, and handed him a cup she'd
just filled. "It's decaf," she said, "but unlike Cordy, I *can* make good
coffee."

"Thanks," he smiled at her and sipped. "Mmmm, good. You're right. Maybe
you'll be able to cure me of my decaf aversity after all." Sipping again,
he sobered, "I know it sounds old, but I have to start with an apology. I
shouldn't have asked you what I did in the coffee shop. I had no right-"

"No you didn't," she interrupted him, but her voice wasn't angry. On the
contrary it was soft. "But I don't mind. Not anymore." She gestured at the
seats and the sofa standing on one side and Angel walked over to sit down.
"It's more complicated, I'm afraid. You asked me if I loved Riley so much
that I wanted to mourn him the rest of my life? The answer to this question
is yes and no."

"I don't quite understand..."

"I know," she replied, settling deeper in the sofa, as if it could shelter
her. "I married Riley when I was on the edge. He came and saved me from,
well, I guess you could say myself." She smiled slightly, "Without him I
might actually be dead. I owe him so much. More than I can say." She saw
Angel watching her intently and went on, "Riley left me. Mom died and
then Dawn... Lets just say, I wasn't coping very well."

She laughed shortly, it wasn't a happy sound, "Coping. Hell, I didn't cope
at all. I didn't want to see my friends anymore, tried to get away from
them, tried to estrange them, so that I wouldn't lose another friend, I even
avoided Giles..." she sighed deeply, "It wasn't pretty. I was barely
recognizable. I lost weight and slaying was the only thing I still did,
living on the edge of being suicidal, maybe inwardly hoping that one vampire
might be too strong and end the life I hated. You wouldn't have wanted to
see me."

But he had, Angel thought sadly. He could clearly remember his visit to
Sunnydale, staying in the shadows, far away from her, so that she wouldn't
sense him. He could remember the lost, empty look in her eyes, could
remember that she hadn't been more than a fighting machine, burying her
emotions deep, trying to be just a slayer - not a human being.

And it had been that visit that had him writing a letter on a Christmas Eve
so many years ago. A letter he'd written with tears in his eyes and finally
sent to Riley, the only person he could see helping her, because Buffy loved
the commando, had told him so herself. So he hoped Riley would be able to
help, in a way Angel couldn't, mustn't.

"Anyways," Buffy continued, interrupting his short walk down memory lane,
"He pulled me back from the edge and then he asked me to marry him. I was
so alone and I owed him so much that I said yes. And it wasn't bad or
anything. Our marriage was filled with friendship, understanding and," she
smiled now, "with three wonderful children. But," she took a deep breath, "I
never loved him, or rather never was in love with him." She looked at Angel
uncertain of his reaction, uncertain how he would take what she'd just
revealed.

He looked a little dazed. And she couldn't really blame him. Long ago, she'd
told him she loved Riley, deliberately letting him believe she meant she was
in love with the commando. She'd been hurt then and wanted to hurt him back.

"You," he said finally and his voice sounded hoarse, "You," he started
again, but his voice cracked and he had to clear his throat, "weren't in
love with him?" There was so much disbelief in his voice that Buffy almost
laughed.

But she didn't. Instead she said simply," No."

"You didn't love him?" he asked again. "Ever?"

"I loved him like a friend. He was a good man. A wonderful father, but no, I
was never in love with him and that was..." her voice trailed off and she
stared when Angel slid from his seat and kneeled in front of her, his
trembling hands reaching for her face, cupping it, holding it.

"You didn't love him," he whispered, his voice awed, his eyes moist and so
full of emotions, it took her breath away.

She couldn't speak and instead shook her head in the negative, her own eyes
growing moist as well, "Angel," she finally managed to whisper his name.

And then he kissed her. And instantly her body reacted, remembering all the
secret and not so secret kisses they had shared what seemed a lifetime ago,
then again seemed as if it had just been yesterday. But at the same time,
this was much more powerful, than anything she remembered, it was sizzling,
a bursting of stars the moment his lips met hers.

His mouth on hers was the same she remembered, his lips soft and yet hard
and demanding, and she felt a powerful jolt of lust shooting through her
when his tongue swept past her parted lips and invaded her mouth, tasting,
teasing, tempting.

This was more, so much more, and it had just begun. Hysterical laughter
bubbled up inside of her, then subsided again. Hadn't she fantasized about
making love to Angel just a few hours ago? Then thrown the thought aside, as
being ridiculous. And now, they were right in the middle.

Buffy had thought she knew her body, had thought she knew it better than
most people, was familiar with its reactions, because she had worked it to
peak physical condition, she'd pushed it to its limits and sometimes over
them, she'd put it under stress, also mental, and thought she knew.

But now, when Angel kissed her, kissed her again after twenty-two years it
seemed like she knew nothing. She had been a girl when he'd kissed her all
those years ago, had still been a girl when they'd made love. But now she
was a grown woman, a woman who had had sex almost all her life, but in an
instant everything seemed to vanish into oblivion.

With a growling sound he rose on his knees, wrapped his arms around her and
pulled her down with him on the floor. Her breath left in a rush at the
feeling of his solid chest pressed against her breasts that were only
covered by the thin material of her blouse and a strapless bra. She lifted
her hands, helplessly, in need to touch him, more than anything she'd ever
needed.

She needed to touch skin, she decided and with a flick of her wrists she
tore his shirt apart, making the buttons fly allover the room. He let go of
her mouth for a moment, and she could see the surprise, but also the joy in
his eyes. She struggled to remove his arms from his sleeves and then the
shirt slipped on the floor, leaving his chest bare, and Buffy almost lost it
that very moment, seeing it sculptured and perfect, exactly the same way she
remembered.

His lips met hers again, while her hands found his nipples and brushed over
them. He moaned into her mouth and it was the most erotic moment she could
remember. Desire slammed through her with a force, she had never felt
before. Her own nipples hardened in reaction as she tried to imagine him
doing the same to her.

Angel deepened the kiss, tasting more of her, their tongues dueling, she
felt him shudder, and did the same when his hands pulled her closer, brought
her hips in contact with his. He was hard as a rock, she noticed and it sent
another jolt trough her entire system. She shifted her body, pressing
against him and Angel groaned deep in his throat.

Angel broke the kiss, and for a moment they just stared at each other, both
pairs of eyes dark with passion, their lips swollen from kissing.

"Angel," she whispered.

"Tell me," his voice was hoarse, "if you want me to stop you need to tell me
now. Because later I'm not sure if I can."

For a microsecond there was guilt again, the feeling of betraying a man she
hadn't been able to love, but then she focused on Angel again and was lost.
"I don't want you to stop."

Her answer was another groan, and he slowly stood, pulling her with him,
holding her. "Your bedroom?" he asked.

"To the left," she managed, almost wild with want. "Hurry," she urged and he
lifted her in his arms, claiming her mouth again and maneuvering them into
her bedroom.

*

Later, after their breathing had come back to normal, after their hearts
weren't pounding in their chests anymore, they lay on the bed on their
sides, facing each other, Angel's hand laying loosely, but possessively on
her hip, while she had thrown her leg over his.

He arched a brow when she chuckled slightly. "What?" he asked.

"This wasn't actually the kind of talk I was thinking about when I called
you today," she said, reaching out with one hand and stroking his cheek. It
was different now. Not smooth as it had been, but rough, and it reminded her
that he wasn't a vampire anymore. He was growing a beard like all other
male human beings.

Angel grinned at her words, "Really?" he teased.

"Angel," she scolded and slapped his chest. "Be serious. I called you
because I needed to talk to you. And I do. Need to talk to you, I mean. I
need to. There are things," she frowned, "things we need... you need to
know. Things that were... the cause for my drinking, I think."

He sat up in bed, his eyes resting on her with concern and love, "Go on," he
encouraged.

"It's about Riley." She saw him flinch slightly, and put a hand on his arm.
"I know it's not the kind of subject you want to discuss after making love
to me, but... I need to-"

"It's okay," he said gently, lifting his arm and turning it, so that he
could take her hand in his. "Tell me."

"I feel like I betrayed him. Not now, not because I slept with you. He's
dead, and I'm free to make love with someone else. But because I couldn't love
him. You know. Because he was with me, he couldn't be with anyone else. I
couldn't feel for him the way I... I feel for you," she admitted and smiled when
she saw the love in his eyes. "He was with me and not free to find a woman who
could give him what I never could."

"Do you really think he would see it that way?" Angel asked, running his
fingertips up and down her side, marveling at the feeling of her soft and
creamy skin.

"He should. I loved Riley I really loved him. Not in the beginning, but it
came on gradually. Yet I never was *in* love with him. What I felt for him
was... God, it's horrible to say, but it was merely comfortable. Trusting.
It was never what we have. There was never this mind-blowing passion."

Angel couldn't help but grin. He was so deliriously happy at the moment, he
wanted to shout it out loud. And hearing her actually say what he had felt
just before made him feel like the king of the world, "Mind-blowing, huh?"

Buffy scowled at him playfully, "Don't start flying now," she joked," but
yeah, it was mind-blowing. It is mind-blowing. When I'm near you, when I
touch you it's... more than I felt when Riley was buried deep inside of me."

He winced and grimaced slightly, "That was an image I so don't need," he
muttered.

She caressed his cheek, "I'm sorry," she said softly, "But we don't need to
pretend that I didn't sleep with him. I have three beautiful children to
prove it. We were married for eighteen years. But what I want you to
understand is that it wasn't the same. It couldn't be. And a part of me, a
big part, feels guilty for it. For not having been able to give him what I
can give you, for not being able to feel for him what I feel when you touch
me."

Angel thought about a letter he'd written so long ago. A letter where he'd
tried to tell Riley that Buffy needed him, that he had to come back and that
he shouldn't hesitate if he loved her. If anyone had forced Riley to be with
Buffy it was him, but certainly not the woman who was lying gloriously naked
beside him. "That's not your fault, Buffy. You didn't force him to be with
you. He decided he wanted to be your husband. And by God, I envy him for
each second he spent with you. I'm jealous like hell, that he gave you the
children I couldn't, that he was able to sleep by your side, to hold you, to
tell you that you were the most wonderful being on this planet."

"Oh, Angel," she whispered, when he ended his declaration. He hadn't said he
loved her so far, she hadn't said it either, she suddenly realized. Maybe
they weren't ready to say the words; maybe he sensed she wasn't ready to
hear them. But it was clear as day that Angel loved her. And if she wasn't
completely wrong, he had never stopped loving her. Just the way her mother
had told her.

"Buffy," he whispered her name and their lips met again, passion instantly
spiraling out of control, her mind shutting down everything except the man
who was kissing and stroking her. Nothing was important that moment, only
Angel. And with a moan she let herself fall.

*

Buffy snuggled deeper into Angel's embrace, not caring for the fact that it
was in the middle of the day. She never wanted to move away from him, never
again wanted to miss the feeling of his arms surrounding her. It was heaven.
The kind of heaven she'd always dreamed of, the heaven she'd tried to forget
in order to move on with her life.

Sighing happily she kissed his bare chest and smiled when she heard a rumble
deep inside and his arms tightened reflexively. She would stay here, she
decided. She would just refuse to move. She would just forget the world
outside and continue making love to Angel.

"OH MY GOD!"

Of course the outside world had the nasty habit to intrude without asking.

Buffy and Angel bolted upright in bed, the ex-slayer clutching the sheet
against her breasts, staring with horror in her eyes at her daughter who was
standing in the doorway of the bedroom, staring at her mother and the man
beside her with an equal expression on her face.

"MOM," Joyce shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"What does it look like?" Buffy replied weakly, feeling faint. It was a
mother's nightmare. Her almost grown up daughter finding her in bed with her
lover. Certainly there were more terrible things happening around them,
Buffy thought, but at the moment, she couldn't remember a single one of
them.

"God," her daughter. "That's... that's," she stammered, tears welling up in
her eyes. "You're disgusting," she shouted. "I don't want to see you ever
again." With this Joyce turned and flew from the apartment.

... to be continued

Note: There is a NC-17 version available of this part. If you want it, just mail me: Connemara.Scarlets@t-online.de