Just Human, Chapter 14: ADVICE OF AN OLD FRIEND

The ringing of his doorbell disturbed Rupert Giles' evening routine of a
good book and an old brandy, and he struggled to get on his feet. He felt
old these days although he wasn't really that old. He had aged well, his
face only showing minor wrinkles; his graying hair still sparkled with
blond, his eyes still intense and not missing a thing.

Maybe it was the fact that not a lot happened these days in Sunnydale. He
had to chuckle at his own thoughts when he walked down the steps and towards
the door. He was still living in his old apartment, too comfortable to move,
Willow had called it.

Was he actually wishing for more action? If he was honest with himself, he
had to admit he did. He'd been trained to become a watcher from when he'd
been very young, his whole education, his whole life had led to his
destination. All the generations before him had been watchers and so there
wasn't anything else he could do. Sure, he could've refused, but the
supernatural had always excited and intrigued him and so he hadn't even
tried to break out.

After a lifetime of excitement, after helping to avert more apocalypses he
could count, it was hard to settle into a normal life. Especially if you had
nobody to share it with. It was hard getting old completely on your own. Of
course there were the children, now adults, including Buffy, he'd once cared
for, but they had their own lives now, their own families and more to do
than just care for an aging lonely man.

God, he was really getting old. Now he pitied himself. Get a hold of
yourself Rupert Giles he scolded himself.

He'd been retired as a watcher when Buffy had retired ten years ago. Too old
to give him a new assignment the Council had told him. He snorted. Too old.

Yeah, sure.

And pigs could fly.

He knew exactly why they hadn't assigned him to a new slayer. They didn't
trust him. After the incident on Buffy's 18th birthday where he'd gone
against his vows and the rules of the Council, he didn't have many friends
left there. They had grudgingly accepted him back because they knew it was
the only way to have at least minor control over Buffy. She had made it
perfectly clear that she wouldn't accept another watcher to guide her.

They didn't trust her either. But Buffy was too good, too experienced, and
too strong to lose her and so they had agreed. Then with Buffy's retirement
his shares with the council had instantly lost their value and only one day
after Buffy he'd been informed that they had no use for him anymore.

"Coming," he shouted, when the doorbell rang again. "Have a little patience
with an old man."

He'd gone back to England at first, visited friends he hadn't seen for a
long time, but after spending 25 years in the USA England just wasn't his
real home anymore. So he'd returned after only six months, glad that he
hadn't given up his apartment and could at least settle back into a routine.
Yes, Willow was definitely right, he was too comfortable with his apartment
to give it up. And why should he, it was perfect for a bachelor. Sighing he
reached for the door and pulled it open.

"You're not old," Buffy said, smiling at him.

"Tell it my aching joints and back," he replied, smiling back, his eyes
noticing instantly her puffy eyes. She had tried to cover it up with
make-up, but it hadn't really helped. "Buffy," he greeted her. "It's so good to
see you. Come in."

She followed him into his living room, and he pointed at a seat, "Sit down.
Can I get you something?"

She looked around and not seeing the usual Brandy on the table, she frowned,
"Am I disturbing you?"

"No," he replied, "I took the Brandy and the book upstairs for a change.
Hence the long wait at the door. But I'm happy to see you."

Buffy nodded and took a seat, "I'd like to have soda or whatever you have,"
she told him, then added, "I've quit alcohol, you know."

He didn't turn, but Buffy could hear the smile in his voice when said, "So
I've heard."

She raised a brow, "You have?"

"Yes," he confirmed coming back with a coke for her and another Brandy for
himself, "Xander was here yesterday," he rolled his eyes. "Obviously Anya
has been telling the twins about a certain demon and now they didn't want to
believe it really existed. He needed a book to prove it."

Buffy laughed, "I can imagine that. That's so like Anya. Well, I suppose
even after more than 20 years it's difficult to completely forget what
you've done for more than 11 centuries." Her laughter vanished when she
realized what she'd said. Forgetting things. Moving on. Yeah, it sounded so
easy. And was so hard.

"I guess you're right," Giles agreed. "How are you, Buffy?" he asked then,
sipping from his drink.

She shrugged, and frowned, "Fine. Peachy. Joyce still isn't talking to me.
I've made a mess of my life and hurt a person I love more than anything. But
at least I haven't had a drink for more than a weak. Does that count as a
success? I hope it does. Oh, and did I tell you that I lately met the ghost
of my dead mother?"

Giles' eyes widened with sudden interest, "Really? You saw your mother? How
did she look? Do you know why she came to you?"

Buffy groaned, "Giles! Could we please *not* talk about my mother. Gee, 'how
does she look'? She's a ghost for God's sake. She looks like..." she
gestured with her hands, "... like a ghost. The way she looked just before
she died."

"But it is really fascinating. Appearances of late relatives. There are
entire books that deal with that special-"

"No," Buffy said sharply, glaring at him. "I'm really not interested in
hearing it. I'm not denying that ghosts exist. I was the slayer remember.
I've met more ghosts I can count. My mother's ghost appearing in my
apartment is just one more wacky thing in my wacky life." Feeling a sudden
tightness in her throat, she swallowed hard and blinked threatening tears
away. "My life really sucks beyond belief. I thought when I left all the
slayer-stuff behind me, I could start living like a normal person, but it
doesn't work. It gets more complicated every day."

Giles watched her, saw her struggle to keep her composure, and then said
simply, "It's Angel, isn't it?" Her startled gaze flew to his and he smiled
gently, "I know that he's human. I also know that he came to Sunnydale to
see you."

Her eyes narrowed, "And how do you know that? And more importantly how long
did you know it?"

"That he is human? About five months," he replied, sipping from his Brandy
again.

"Five months?" she echoed in disbelief. "And... and why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it wasn't my place to tell. Wesley told me when he called because
he needed my advice for dealing with a demon. He mentioned that they needed
more information because Angel wasn't a vampire anymore. Frankly I was
stunned, I had never heard of something like this before. But obviously they
found a prophecy many years ago about the vampire with a soul. It said that
if he would be able to overcome several challenges he would be rewarded with
his humanity."

"So you knew it all along and didn't tell me?," Buffy said, still feeling
slightly dazed at the new information. Giles had known. And she hadn't.

"Buffy, you just lost your husband. You were in no shape to deal with that
kind of information," Giles said gently. "And besides. As I already told
you, it wasn't my place. The only person who could tell you was Angel."

"This makes me so sick!" Buffy shouted suddenly, jumped up from the seat and
began to pace, her arms waving wildly through the air. "Why do people always
decide what's good for me? I'm forty years old. How come nobody seems to
notice that I'm a grown adult? I have three kids. One of them almost grown
herself, for God's sake." She stopped and glared at him.

"Buffy I already-"

"Yeah, yeah," she said impatiently and started to pace again. "It was
Angel's place to tell. I've heard you." And then it hit her and she stopped
dead in tracks, "Prophecy?" she said, stepping closer to Giles, her eyes
never leaving his. "What do mean there was a prophecy about him turning
human? What prophesy? And when did he find it?"

Giles leaned back in his seat and eyed the angry woman in front of him. She
looked hardly like 40. More like 30, maybe not even that. They had tried to
find out what had slowed her aging progress, especially after the doctors
had confirmed that physically she wasn't even close to 40. Although she'd
fought and been hurt more times he could count, her joints were flawless,
her muscles strong and her inner organs in perfect shape.

"The prophecy," he said after a moment of consideration, "was part of the
Scroll of Aberijan. I already told you what it said. Wesley translated it.
He wasn't sure about the meaning of the word 'Shanshu' at first, but after
awhile he realized it meant 'life'. They found it by accident at the end of
Angel's first year in L.A."

Buffy stared at him, as if she couldn't comprehend his words, then her eyes
watering, she whispered, "His first year?"

"Yes," Giles confirmed. "That's what Wesley told me."

"You know too?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes, Wesley contacted me to translate the word 'Shanshu', or rather to
confirm what he'd already translated. He wanted to be certain."

"And you two decided again that little Buffy was not fit to know, right?"
Her voice sounded bitter and up to a certain agree, Giles thought she had a
right to be. He had often wondered if he should've told her, but whenever
he had contemplated the idea of telling her, he hadn't been able to go
through with it.

"Buffy," he said gently and reached out to take her hand, but she evaded him
and stepped back. He sighed, she was angry. But this was Buffy, and anything
but anger and hurt would've been a surprise. "Again. It wasn't my place
to tell you. But even if it had been. Nobody, I repeat, nobody had any idea
if the prophecy was correct or even if it was, *when* it was going to
happen. What would you have gained by knowing about it? Would you have
stopped living your own mortal life, waiting for something that might not happen
at all? No," he said firmly, "I couldn't let that happen. I
loved you too much to let you throw your life away for a dream that nobody
knew would come true. And so did Angel."

Buffy turned away from him and staggered to the counter that separated his
living room from the kitchenette. Angel. Angel hadn't told her either. He
hadn't felt she should know.

Oh God.

Her hands gripped the wooden surface and she held it so hard that her
knuckles turned white. Absentmindedly she noticed that she was still wearing
Riley's wedding ring. She hadn't taken it off for more than 18 years. Riley.
Would she have married him had she known? Had Angel given her the
opportunity to know? She had married Riley because she had felt hopeless and
lonely, but with the knowledge that Angel might turn human one day, there
would have been hope. Vague, granted, but still hope. There would've been
something to look forward to.

Maybe she wouldn't have married Riley and spared him the life with a woman
who hadn't been able to really love him. She would've spent the last 20
years on her own, but would that really have been so bad, she wondered?

She started when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She'd been so wrapped up
in her thoughts that she hadn't heard Giles coming up behind her. "Would you
really like to change the last 20 years?" he asked softly. "Would you like
to rewind the years and spend the time alone instead? Believe me, Buffy,
being independent, alone, is highly overrated. Loneliness isn't a nice
thing.

'Loneliness is the scariest thing.'

Angel's words from so long ago came to her mind, and she took a deep breath.
Would she have been able to be on her own for so long? Well maybe not
completely on her own. She could've had one or two lovers. Nothing special,
just a man to spend a few nice hours with, to fill... the loneliness.

"And think about your children, Buffy. You wouldn't have them if it weren't
for the last 20 years. Would you like to turn that back too? Would you like
to live your life without Joyce, without Ben, without Marlie? Would you
really want that? Ask yourself, Buffy. And when you know, tell me again."

Giles let go of her and she could hear him walk back to his chair and sit
down. Joyce, Ben and Marlie. God, she'd almost forgotten about them. Her
children. Her wonderful, beloved kids. Of course she couldn't imagine her
life without them. Not for one moment she wanted to picture that scenario.
It hurt enough to see Joyce turning away from her. Hating her. Well, maybe
not hating, hating her, but her daughter was definitely angry. According to
Willow she would come around, but it hurt nevertheless.

And suddenly she realized what was Giles telling her without words. It was a
gift of love. Only a man who loved her would be able to sacrifice his own
happiness, his own dreams for her sake. She suddenly thought of Angel,
knowing all he did, knowing that he might be human one day, but still
letting her go, move on with her own life, marrying another, having the
other man's kids.

A picture flashed through her mind. Angel was kneeling in front of her,
looking at her and whispering, "you didn't love him".

Tears sprang to her eyes, the sudden emotion threatening to overwhelm her. She
pressed a hand in front of her mouth not to cry out in sudden agony. Yes, he
hadn't told and yes, she hadn't asked him for this sacrifice. Still, he had done
it. Unselfishly, because he loved her.

All those years she had had a husband, a family, children, while Angel had
nothing. While he was experiencing the loneliness he feared so much. Only
now she understood what he'd done. She still didn't like the fact that he'd kept
important things from her, but now she could understand.

Slowly she turned back to Giles and wiped the tears from her cheeks, "I... I
understand," she said, trying a shaky smile. "At least I think I do. And I'm
not angry anymore."

His eyes were warm, when he smiled back at her, "That's good. You're a smart
woman, Buffy. You were a smart girl back then. Besides. All this is long
over and done. Believe an old man, and don't tell me again, I'm not old,
because I feel old, really, really old."

They laughed both, and although Buffy's laughter was slightly wobbly, it was
genuine. "When you're my age," Giles continued, "You know that life is short
and that the only real regrets you have are for those things you haven't
done. I often regret that I never got the chance to tell Jenny I loved her.
I'm almost certain she knew anyway," he chuckled, his eyes far away,
remembering. "She always teased me because I was so shy. But knowing it or
not, it would have been nice to tell her."

"Yes," Buffy nodded. "I can understand that. I never told Riley I loved him.
I'll always regret that too."

"Did you?"

"What?" she asked confused.

"Love him," Giles clarified, "Because telling somebody you love him is a
serious matter. Especially if the person you're saying it to is your husband
or your lover. It's different to say I love you to a friend like Willow than
it is to a husband. It has a completely different meaning."

Buffy sighed deeply, "That's the whole problem," she said then, walking back
to the table and reclaiming her seat. "Ever since Riley died I can't get
over the feeling that I've run out of time. He loved me so much, gave me so
much, and I... I..."

"You couldn't give him back the same?" Giles asked gently.

"Yeah," she admitted, releasing a breath. She bit her lower lip for a
moment, then took her glass and sipped. "I tried. I really tried. But it
just," she shrugged, "didn't happen, I guess. Mom once said you can't force
love and I suppose she was right. I did like Riley though. I liked him a
lot. I even loved him, just not... they way a wife is supposed to love her
husband."

"Says who?" he asked.

She shrugged again, "Me, I suppose. I have this big guilt-fest going on
inside of me. And I just can't find a way to get over it. But if I can't, I
can't have Angel either."

"Either?" Giles raised his brows, "Now you've lost me somewhere. What does
Angel have to do with your guilt?"

"He said that I had to find a way to deal with it or..." she sighed, "As I
already told you. Angel came to my apartment."

"A week ago? Yes, you said that."

"Yeah, and I shouted at him. Giles, I couldn't even look at him. He was
standing there in the sunlight and was the embodiment of all my dreams of
all the things I could have. But Riley was dead and he would never have the
chance to be loved that way. Because I married him without love, because I
took away his chance to meet the one girl who might have loved him like he
should've been loved."

"Whoa," the former watcher held up a hand. "Not so fast, Buffy. Are you
listening to yourself? What do you mean you took it away from Riley? Riley
was a grown man. A legal adult, older than you, who decided to marry you.
You didn't force him, Buffy. You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him
to the altar. On the contrary, he couldn't wait to become your husband. I
met him throughout the years, and not once did I see him unhappy. He loved
you Buffy. And the day you became his wife was his very best day."

"But-"

"No buts," Giles said firmly. "He left you before, do you remember? He
accused you not to loving him the way he loved you. Do you think when he
came back he thought that had miraculously changed? Do you really think
that? Because I don't. I think he married you knowing that you didn't love
him the way he loved you and he married you anyway. Buffy, just because you
experienced the real thing that once-in-lifetime-love with Angel it doesn't
mean other people do. There are hundreds of couples out there, happy
couples, who don't love each other the way you and Angel do."

Buffy didn't miss that he had the present tense when talking about Angel and
she. "You think he knew? And that he didn't mind?"

"I didn't say that. I'm sure he did mind. He would've been an idiot and
inhuman if he didn't mind. Sure, you want the woman you love to love you
back the same way. But I think, he accepted it. Accepted that you weren't
able to love him the way you loved Angel. And he was content. Angel wasn't a
threat. He was a vampire. A vampire with a very shaky soul. Maybe," Giles
hesitated for a moment, then went on, "maybe he even felt safe the way it
was."

"Safe?"

"Yeah. I know it's not nice to talk bad about dead people, and it's really
not my intention and I'm not even sure if Riley ever consciously thought
about it. My guess would be no. But, you always felt a bit guilty because
you couldn't give Riley the same feelings you gave Angel. That was his best
guarantee that you'd never leave him. You felt obligated."

"I did," Buffy confirmed after a moment of considering his words. But I'm
with you about the conscious thing. Riley never thought about it. He just
wasn't the type for it."

"I agree," Giles nodded, reached out and covered her hand with his, "Buffy,
there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty. You should feel guilty if you
had lied to him, but you never did. Besides, Riley had 18 years with you.
Don't you think he got what he wanted? He choose you, because he loved you.
If he wanted another woman, he'd have been free to leave you. He even did
once. But then he came back. It was his decision." He frowned suddenly, "I
still don't quite understand the connection between Angel and your guilt."

She sighed again, "Well, after I threw Angel out of my apartment that first
day, he kept coming back, first at the hospital, where he charmed Marlie,
then at the park where Ben fell for him. He persuaded me to invite him to
dinner. No, that's not quite right. I invited him. He just said we should
have dinner together some day. Anyways, he came to dinner and it was nice.
So we decided to see each other again. We did and he said something that
made me very, very angry. I ran away."

She chuckled, "Look at me, I'm a mother and forty years old but I bolted
from a simple question. Afterwards I felt bad for behaving that way and
called him. He came this morning and we... uh," she blushed, "... well, you
know."

Giles' brows shot up, "You slept with him?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Buffy admitted on another chuckle. "But that wasn't the problem. I
didn't regret doing it. In fact I liked it. A lot."

"That's good then, that you... er... liked it."

The ex-slayer had to laugh, hearing him stutter, seeing him blush furiously,
"Yeah, that's good. I agree. But what's not so good was that my teenage
daughter suddenly stood in the middle of the bedroom, finding me and Angel
stark naked - and together - in bed."

"Oh dear," Giles said, shaking his head. "That must have been quite a
shock."

"It was. And I freaked. Joyce looked so angry, so shocked, that all that
guilt came back in a rush. I ordered Angel to leave. He begged me to think
about it, to talk to him, to let him help, to not push him away, but guess
what. I didn't listen. Later, I finally caught on that I royally screwed up
and tried to apologize. I think he even accepted it. Still, he left and went
back to L.A."

"He left?"

"Yes. He said that I had to sort out my feelings first. I tried to argue
with him, tried to explain, but he didn't believe me and now I'm thinking
he's right. He said that he wouldn't be able to stand me turning against him
again. And I can understand him now. He said I had to find a way to forgive
myself. Because otherwise we had no future."

"He's a very wise man," Giles said approvingly.

"Piece of cake," Buffy replied, sipping from her drink. "The guy's more than
250 years old. He had time enough to get wise." She sighed deeply, "But I
think I understand now what he meant. I need to get straight with Joyce
first. Then with my own feelings. I'm still confused although our talk
helped me to see many things a lot clearer. But one thing I know for sure. I
want Angel. And I will find a way to get him back. To make him see that I'm
worth a risk."

The ex-watcher smiled warmly, "I never doubted it. And I guess, neither does
Angel. He loves you Buffy. That was never a question."

Buffy felt a sudden moistness in her eyes and blinked, "Thanks, Giles."

"For what?" he asked.

"For forgiving him. For being able to see beyond his demon that took the
woman you loved. You know, if I'd had a chance in choosing my father, I'd
have taken you."

Now the moistness was in his eyes.

... to be continued