Just Human, Chapter 16: I WANT MY LIFE TO BE WITH YOU
Note: The title of this chapter is taken from the BtVS-season 3, episode
"The Prom", it's not mine.
Buffy's hands tightened around the wheel of her little SUV as she craned her
neck to see the numbers of the houses. She'd once lived in L.A. and although
she didn't come often, she didn't need a map to find this certain street.
But the numbers were sometimes hard to see.
It had been four weeks. Four weeks since Angel had left Sunnydale, four
weeks since she'd gotten Joyce to move back home with her, four weeks during
which she'd tried to straighten out her life.
She spent a lot of time talking to Willow and Giles, because she had needed
friends to listen to her, to get her feelings in order. The conversations
hadn't been specifically about Angel, although he'd been important in them,
but there was no doubt inside of her where he was concerned. She loved him,
and she wanted to be with him.
He had been so right, she mused now, squinting her eyes against the bright
sunlight. Damn, she'd forgotten her sunglasses. Only yesterday the police
had returned her driver's license and she'd been so excited about going to
L.A. that she'd forgotten to take them with her. Angel had been right, that
afternoon in his motel room. She needed time. Not only to get things right
with Joyce, but first and foremost she needed to confront her own feelings.
Her past.
Riley.
Talking about her feelings had only been the first step. Admitting to
herself that she hadn't loved him, at least not the way she should have, had
been a start.
After a week of crying a lot at night, and trying to figure out what to do
during the day, she'd started to sort through his things, much to Joyce's
distaste. But Buffy had ignored her accusing looks, and continued her work.
All of Riley's clothes were now donated to the Red Cross, she'd given his
books to Joyce and also her wedding ring was now dangling from a chain on
her daughter's neck. Buffy knew that Joyce did it to provoke her. Joyce
wanted to remind her that she didn't agree with what she was doing, but the
ex-slayer let it go for now.
Buffy hit the breaks and parked her car when she saw the apartment Angel was
living in. It had been hard work squeezing the address out of Cordelia. The
former cheerleader had been outright hostile at first, accusing Buffy of
doing nothing but hurting Angel, but by talking to her and - she had to
admit - the help of her husband she had finally given in. Wesley had changed
so much over the years that Buffy was truly amazed. And their children, both
of Asian ancestry, were just adorable. They had parted with a promise to
meet again so that the children could get to know each other.
The ex-slayer slammed her car door shut and locked it, then took a deep
breath and walked towards the door. Angel was living in the outskirts of
L.A. now, and, according to Cordelia, rented a nice little apartment there
and was trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his human life. The
first months he spent in Washington, closing the office they'd used for over
ten years and closing up open cases, which had been difficult enough with
him being human now and as a result not having any more vampire strength.
After losing her hostility towards Buffy, Cordelia had been a fountain of
information, Buffy remembered with a fond smile, while she was walking
towards Angel's house. The ex-slayer knew now that Angel had woken up one
morning with a heartbeat. That he had a thing for chocolate. And that there
had never been anything serious with a woman since he'd left Sunnydale over
20 years ago.
Cordelia even told Buffy about Darla, although the blond had the feeling
that there was more the story than the brunette had been willing to tell.
She hadn't asked any further, too stunned to hear about the fact that
Angel's sire had returned a second time, after almost driving him insane,
and that Angel had finally staked her. Buffy had already known about Darla's
first return, Angel had told her all about it, during a night they had spent
beside her mother's grave. It was the last time - she remembered - when
they'd been close.
Until - of course - that morning in her apartment, when her revelation that
she'd never been in love with Riley that had spiraled into something
incredibly beautiful. Something Buffy hadn't expected to ever experience
again. Yet it had happened, and instead of holding it as tight as she could,
she'd let her guilt rule her life and pushed Angel away.
But no more, she vowed while she took the steps that led to his apartment.
She wouldn't lose him again, not when she could prevent it. He'd told her
she had to find a way to live with her past. Well, now here she was, ready
to begin a new part of her life, with him.
Still, her heart beat in her chest like a drum when she rang the bell and
after a moment heard footsteps approaching from the inside.
"Buffy?" he said in that almost breathless, sweet, very-Angel way, as if he
couldn't believe she was really there. Which, she mused, was probably true.
"Hi, Angel," she replied and tried to plaster a smile on her face. But it
was difficult, when she wanted to drown in his dark eyes, wanted nothing
more than to rip his clothes away and ravish him on the spot. She hadn't even
realised how she'd missed him until now.
"Wh-" he began, but had to clear his throat. She thought it was comforting
that he seemed equally nervous. "What are you doing here? How did you get my
address?"
"Cordelia," she said, answering his last question first. "It took some
serious persuading, but in the end she told me."
"Really?" Angel asked, raising a brow, then made an inviting gesture and
closed the door after she'd stepped over the threshold. "I have to admit I'm
surprised. Cordelia can be quite... uh... adamant in her protection of
friends," he grinned. "When I came back from Sunnydale, she tried to
convince me that you were the wrong woman for me and the embodiment of evil.
'Angel, you don't know, maybe she's possessed by some demon. She was the
slayer after all', he mimicked the brunette and they both laughed.
When the laughter faded, silence settled over the living room and Buffy looked
around. It was a nice apartment as far as she could see. It had enough
space, and large windows to allow the sunlight in. Something that was
probably very important for a man who had lived in the darkness for so long.
"It's nice," she said finally, gesturing at her surroundings. "Cordelia
already told me it was nice."
He chuckled, "She should. She chose it for me. I was in Washington wrapping
up open cases, closing the office and stuff. She said after working with me
for more than 20 years she knew my taste better than I did. She... was very
specific about it," he added and grinned, remembering Cordelia with her
hands on her hips, daring him to doubt she knew his taste. 'After all,'
she'd said, 'I would have no problems finding a woman for you. How about
delicate, blond, leaning towards violent?' He'd glared at her, he
remembered, but Cordelia had snickered.
This time the silence was more awkward. There wasn't much more small talk
they could make, and Buffy felt suddenly uncertain. She wanted Angel, but
what if he had decided he was better off without her? "So," she said the
very same moment, when he said the same. They laughed slightly, awkwardly.
"You came," Angel stated, "So I assume you made a decision?"
Was she imagining it, or was there a quiver in his voice, a slight tremble?
God, she hoped so, because at the moment she had the feeling she would
embarrass herself terribly. "I... I have," she replied, trying to swallow.
But her mouth was so dry it was impossible. "Joyce moved back home," she
said, "I told her, that I would leave the choice to her, but that I wouldn't
deny myself to be with you."
She bit her lower lip, not daring to look at him, not knowing what to
expect.
"God, Buffy," he said roughly, and then she was in his arms, and he was
holding her close. "These past weeks were the longest I can remember.
Waiting for you to make the first step, damned to just wait."
She felt his lips on her skull, felt his hands on her back and tears were
springing to her eyes. This time they were tears of joy, "I know," she
whispered hoarsely, "I know. I'm sorry. But you were right. I needed to time
to close that chapter of my life. There was no way I could just jump on the
train, so to speak."
"Yes," she felt him nod against her hair, then his chin rested on her head,
his arms holding her tight and secure to him, "And now you're sure?"
"Yes," she replied, slightly pulling back so that she was able to look at
him. "I'm sure. I gave all of Riley's things away," she admitted on a slight
smile. "See," she held up her hand, "I don't even wear his ring anymore.
Joyce has it now. Of course she's wearing it to provoke me. She's still
angry. And I should warn you, Riley told her a lot about vampires. And she's
got all his strange ideas about them all being evil."
"Well technically..." he began, but trailed off. Sighing he kissed her
gently on the forehead, "I know what you mean. We'll take it one day at the
time."
"But what about," she looked around, "your apartment? I can't leave
Sunnydale, not with the kids at school there and-"
"You're thinking too much. Buffy, I'm free to do whatever I want. I'm not
bound by a job so far. I have no problem living in Sunnydale. Somehow it's
like going home." He smiled slightly. "I missed it. Not just because of you.
But because it was where I got my start back to myself."
"I'm glad," she sighed, snuggling close. "I even got rid of my old bed," she
told him and smiled when she heard him chuckle.
"I can't say I'm sorry," he retorted. "I have to admit it was kind of
awkward to do it where you and Riley... you know."
"I'll bet," she grinned now. "Joyce was all for it. She asked if I intended
to sleep in the same bed with you where I did with her dad."
He raised an amused brow. "You talked with her about having sex with me?"
She blushed, "Not really. It was more about sleeping in general. But I think
she's old enough to get the drift. Besides, she already saw us in bed
together." Leaning her forehead against his chest, she groaned, "It's kind
of strange to think about your daughter as a sexual person. I can understand
very well now how my mom felt when she found out I was seeing you."
"Not to forget how the demon told her about our first time," he only
half-joked.
"Don't remind me," she groaned again, but chuckled too. "Thinking back, she
was really cool about it. I have to admire her for it now."
"So Joyce doesn't like vampires, huh?" he asked after a moment. "I can't say
I blame her. I don't particularly like them myself."
Buffy rolled her eyes at him, "Look who's talking."
"I had a soul," he reminded her.
"Yeah, I know," she said, fondly stroking his cheek. "Joyce never comes out
of her room when Spike drops... ooops," she smiled sheepishly when she saw
his eyes widen. "Wrong name?"
"Spike?" he pulled back, to stare at her as if she'd gone mad. "What do you
mean Spike drops... by?"
Buffy sighed and then took a deep breath, "It's sort of a tradition, I
guess. It started after the Hellmouth was closed. You remember him helping
us?" When she saw Angel nod, although reluctantly, she went on, "Well, after
the Hellmouth closed he was probably the only vampire who didn't leave
Sunnydale. Probably because he didn't fit into the vampire community
anymore, not with that chip in his head."
She saw the glimmer of amusement in Angel's eyes and sent him a glare, "He
really helped us, you know," she came to the blond vampire's defense. "And
then there was nothing more for him to do. Besides," she stopped, and her
lips twitched, "annoying Riley."
"Huh?"
"Riley got really mad that Spike dropped by and Spike loved it."
"Not really surprising," Angel commented. "Spike was always good at annoying
people."
"Not to forget that Riley was part of the organization that put the chip in
his head. After the Hellmouth closed, Spike disappeared for a while. Only
later he admitted he'd tried to find someone who would remove the chip. When
that didn't work out, he came back. And soon, he came regularly. We do it
once a month now and as strange as it sounds it's fun. Well, it wasn't for
the last six months, but usually it was. Except one time, when..." she
trailed off, suddenly realizing what she'd almost revealed.
But of course Angel wouldn't let her off the hook easily, "What time?" he
asked, his eyes narrowing and she thought he suspected Spike had tried to
hurt her. "What did he do?"
If she hadn't been so ashamed of her one time lapse, she would have laughed.
Angel was human now, but the way he was talking could only be described as
pure sire-childe attitude. He might not have made Spike in the strictest
sense, but loony-tunes Drusilla certainly hadn't taught the blond vampire
what he had to know and Spike had more than once referred to Angelus as his
true Sire.
Taking a deep breath she looked at Angel, "It was after a party. Shortly
after Ben was born and I had a bit too much to drink. We were celebrating
Willow and Tara's marriage. And then things... uh... got a bit out of hand.
To make a long story short, Willow found me and Spike engaged in a heated
kiss."
"What?" Angel yelped.
"Calm down," she replied, stifling a grin. It wasn't the right time to grin.
Angel looked ready for murder. "It wasn't serious. I had a... uh... I wasn't
very happy that time. Probably some kind of postnatal depression," she
shrugged and sighed, "Who knows? I... I missed you," she admitted finally.
"And Spike was the closest I could get to you. He is related to you in some
twisted way and he's... God, I can't even believe I'm saying this, but he's
cold."
"Cold?"
"Yes, no body heat. And when I closed my eyes and kissed him, I could
imagine... for a moment I made myself believe..." she broke off, giving
Angel a desperate look. "I felt so horrible afterwards. Riley had given me
so much and I... I... couldn't stop thinking of you."
"Oh Baby," he wrapped her in his arms again. "God, we're some pair of fools.
I was so lonely at times and knowing that you can never have what you really
want. For a time I even tried to imagine Cordelia and I..."
"What?" This time it was Buffy who screeched incredulously.
He grinned, "Nothing happened. Cordelia looked at me as if I'd finally grown
a third head. No way she said. No way I'm going to think about a dead body
that way. But she's a good friend. Maybe the best I ever had."
She sighed deeply, "Seems we both got... uh... sidetracked."
"Yeah," she felt him smiling at her forehead. Then suddenly he got serious
and pulled back. "I think we should get married," he said and looked down on
her.
"What?" She stared at him. Marriage? Not that she hadn't thought about it,
or dreamed of it. But could it work? On the other hand, living together was
technically the same thing, wasn't it? And she'd dreamt about marrying Angel
longer than she could remember.
Holding her close with one arm around her waist, he used his free hand to
tilt her head back. "We can't change what happened in the past, Buffy. It's
done. All we can do now is choose how to live with it - whether we're going
to let it rule the rest of our lives or if we're going to put it behind us
and move on. The way I see it, we don't really have a choice. We can all be
hurt and angry, and we can suffer, or we can deal. We can be alone and
unhappy, 'atone for our guilt', or we can make a future for ourselves. We
can make a home for Joyce, Ben, Marlie and maybe one or two more, if you
want. We can be a family."
"A family," she mused dreamily, smiling up at him.
Pulling her closer until their bodies were intimately connecting, he
grinned, "We could start right now," he said, grinning, pulling her even closer,
letting her feel his erection. Growing more solemn again, he
raised a brow, "So? What's your answer?"
Her bright smile was enough of an answer, but she still felt it necessary to
say, "Yes, Angel. I'll marry you. I'll marry you and love you forever and
ever."
He kissed her then, and without a doubt Buffy knew it was the right
decision.
*
When Buffy woke several hours later, she glanced at the bedside clock and
then at a sleeping Angel. Her legs felt a bit weak, she realized when she
moved them under the sheet, but she also felt like flying. There was no
guilt, no regret and the idea of marrying Angel felt like the most wonderful
thing on this planet. He had been her first lover. And if she had any say in
it, he would also be her last.
His bare body was long, hard, and perfect. It was amazing to her how
different they were physically, how perfectly they fit together. Her body
began to tremble at the memory of just how perfect it had been.
Leaning over she kissed him on the cheek, "Wake up, sleepyhead," she
whispered, nuzzling at his earlobe.
He blinked and then his arm snaked around her and held her to him, "I had
the most wonderful dream," he sighed.
"Yeah?" she grinned playfully.
"Oh yeah. There was this blond woman in my apartment, and she told me she
was going to marry me."
"Oh that woman," she said, still grinning, "she left about an hour ago."
"You," he growled and with a swift movement, pinned her under his body
weight. "Don't make jokes about a serious matter," he warned, and she
noticed he was only half joking. He was afraid she would change her mind.
"You are going to marry me, aren't you?"
"Oh, Angel," knowing her eyes had grown moist, but not caring, she cupped a
cheek in one of her palms, "Of course I am. I love you, I'm not going away."
"I love you too," he replied, kissing her deeply, "I can hardly wait."
"Me neither," she said, smiling up into his eyes that were filled with so
much love it almost took her breath away. Still smiling, she said, "I found
your letter, you know."
He drew his brows together, "What letter?"
"The one you wrote to Riley," she answered, and held him when she felt him
trying to draw back. "It's okay," she whispered.
"You... you're not angry?"
"I was. For about five minutes," she admitted. "I thought, that jerk, who
does he think he is, to interfere with my life?" Seeing the sudden guilt in
his eyes made her heart ache and she continued quickly, "But it changed
after that. I read the letter again and again and realized that it had been
a gift of love. Like the fact that you never told me about your Shanshu."
His mouth was dry, "Who... who told you?"
"Giles. Obviously Wesley told him one day. I still don't like it, that you
didn't tell me, but I understand why you did it. If I'd been in your place I
probably would've done the exact same thing. By the way, the letter you
wrote was beautiful. And I realized you really thought at that time that I
loved Riley, didn't you?"
He shrugged, "You told me, you loved him. So I assumed it was true. I
should've known you only said it to hurt me, but then," he smiled a bit
sheepishly, "I was so jealous, I couldn't think straight."
"I like you all possessive," she teased, pulling his head down to her and
kissing him thoroughly. "God," she sighed, "And I love the way you kiss. I
crave it."
"Is that true?" he asked, raising a brow. "Well, Madam, I can deliver that
any time."
"Good," she whispered. "Kiss me, Angel. Kiss me, and never let go."
"Your wish is my command," he replied before his lips made any talk
impossible.
... to be continued
Note: The title of this chapter is taken from the BtVS-season 3, episode
"The Prom", it's not mine.
Buffy's hands tightened around the wheel of her little SUV as she craned her
neck to see the numbers of the houses. She'd once lived in L.A. and although
she didn't come often, she didn't need a map to find this certain street.
But the numbers were sometimes hard to see.
It had been four weeks. Four weeks since Angel had left Sunnydale, four
weeks since she'd gotten Joyce to move back home with her, four weeks during
which she'd tried to straighten out her life.
She spent a lot of time talking to Willow and Giles, because she had needed
friends to listen to her, to get her feelings in order. The conversations
hadn't been specifically about Angel, although he'd been important in them,
but there was no doubt inside of her where he was concerned. She loved him,
and she wanted to be with him.
He had been so right, she mused now, squinting her eyes against the bright
sunlight. Damn, she'd forgotten her sunglasses. Only yesterday the police
had returned her driver's license and she'd been so excited about going to
L.A. that she'd forgotten to take them with her. Angel had been right, that
afternoon in his motel room. She needed time. Not only to get things right
with Joyce, but first and foremost she needed to confront her own feelings.
Her past.
Riley.
Talking about her feelings had only been the first step. Admitting to
herself that she hadn't loved him, at least not the way she should have, had
been a start.
After a week of crying a lot at night, and trying to figure out what to do
during the day, she'd started to sort through his things, much to Joyce's
distaste. But Buffy had ignored her accusing looks, and continued her work.
All of Riley's clothes were now donated to the Red Cross, she'd given his
books to Joyce and also her wedding ring was now dangling from a chain on
her daughter's neck. Buffy knew that Joyce did it to provoke her. Joyce
wanted to remind her that she didn't agree with what she was doing, but the
ex-slayer let it go for now.
Buffy hit the breaks and parked her car when she saw the apartment Angel was
living in. It had been hard work squeezing the address out of Cordelia. The
former cheerleader had been outright hostile at first, accusing Buffy of
doing nothing but hurting Angel, but by talking to her and - she had to
admit - the help of her husband she had finally given in. Wesley had changed
so much over the years that Buffy was truly amazed. And their children, both
of Asian ancestry, were just adorable. They had parted with a promise to
meet again so that the children could get to know each other.
The ex-slayer slammed her car door shut and locked it, then took a deep
breath and walked towards the door. Angel was living in the outskirts of
L.A. now, and, according to Cordelia, rented a nice little apartment there
and was trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his human life. The
first months he spent in Washington, closing the office they'd used for over
ten years and closing up open cases, which had been difficult enough with
him being human now and as a result not having any more vampire strength.
After losing her hostility towards Buffy, Cordelia had been a fountain of
information, Buffy remembered with a fond smile, while she was walking
towards Angel's house. The ex-slayer knew now that Angel had woken up one
morning with a heartbeat. That he had a thing for chocolate. And that there
had never been anything serious with a woman since he'd left Sunnydale over
20 years ago.
Cordelia even told Buffy about Darla, although the blond had the feeling
that there was more the story than the brunette had been willing to tell.
She hadn't asked any further, too stunned to hear about the fact that
Angel's sire had returned a second time, after almost driving him insane,
and that Angel had finally staked her. Buffy had already known about Darla's
first return, Angel had told her all about it, during a night they had spent
beside her mother's grave. It was the last time - she remembered - when
they'd been close.
Until - of course - that morning in her apartment, when her revelation that
she'd never been in love with Riley that had spiraled into something
incredibly beautiful. Something Buffy hadn't expected to ever experience
again. Yet it had happened, and instead of holding it as tight as she could,
she'd let her guilt rule her life and pushed Angel away.
But no more, she vowed while she took the steps that led to his apartment.
She wouldn't lose him again, not when she could prevent it. He'd told her
she had to find a way to live with her past. Well, now here she was, ready
to begin a new part of her life, with him.
Still, her heart beat in her chest like a drum when she rang the bell and
after a moment heard footsteps approaching from the inside.
"Buffy?" he said in that almost breathless, sweet, very-Angel way, as if he
couldn't believe she was really there. Which, she mused, was probably true.
"Hi, Angel," she replied and tried to plaster a smile on her face. But it
was difficult, when she wanted to drown in his dark eyes, wanted nothing
more than to rip his clothes away and ravish him on the spot. She hadn't even
realised how she'd missed him until now.
"Wh-" he began, but had to clear his throat. She thought it was comforting
that he seemed equally nervous. "What are you doing here? How did you get my
address?"
"Cordelia," she said, answering his last question first. "It took some
serious persuading, but in the end she told me."
"Really?" Angel asked, raising a brow, then made an inviting gesture and
closed the door after she'd stepped over the threshold. "I have to admit I'm
surprised. Cordelia can be quite... uh... adamant in her protection of
friends," he grinned. "When I came back from Sunnydale, she tried to
convince me that you were the wrong woman for me and the embodiment of evil.
'Angel, you don't know, maybe she's possessed by some demon. She was the
slayer after all', he mimicked the brunette and they both laughed.
When the laughter faded, silence settled over the living room and Buffy looked
around. It was a nice apartment as far as she could see. It had enough
space, and large windows to allow the sunlight in. Something that was
probably very important for a man who had lived in the darkness for so long.
"It's nice," she said finally, gesturing at her surroundings. "Cordelia
already told me it was nice."
He chuckled, "She should. She chose it for me. I was in Washington wrapping
up open cases, closing the office and stuff. She said after working with me
for more than 20 years she knew my taste better than I did. She... was very
specific about it," he added and grinned, remembering Cordelia with her
hands on her hips, daring him to doubt she knew his taste. 'After all,'
she'd said, 'I would have no problems finding a woman for you. How about
delicate, blond, leaning towards violent?' He'd glared at her, he
remembered, but Cordelia had snickered.
This time the silence was more awkward. There wasn't much more small talk
they could make, and Buffy felt suddenly uncertain. She wanted Angel, but
what if he had decided he was better off without her? "So," she said the
very same moment, when he said the same. They laughed slightly, awkwardly.
"You came," Angel stated, "So I assume you made a decision?"
Was she imagining it, or was there a quiver in his voice, a slight tremble?
God, she hoped so, because at the moment she had the feeling she would
embarrass herself terribly. "I... I have," she replied, trying to swallow.
But her mouth was so dry it was impossible. "Joyce moved back home," she
said, "I told her, that I would leave the choice to her, but that I wouldn't
deny myself to be with you."
She bit her lower lip, not daring to look at him, not knowing what to
expect.
"God, Buffy," he said roughly, and then she was in his arms, and he was
holding her close. "These past weeks were the longest I can remember.
Waiting for you to make the first step, damned to just wait."
She felt his lips on her skull, felt his hands on her back and tears were
springing to her eyes. This time they were tears of joy, "I know," she
whispered hoarsely, "I know. I'm sorry. But you were right. I needed to time
to close that chapter of my life. There was no way I could just jump on the
train, so to speak."
"Yes," she felt him nod against her hair, then his chin rested on her head,
his arms holding her tight and secure to him, "And now you're sure?"
"Yes," she replied, slightly pulling back so that she was able to look at
him. "I'm sure. I gave all of Riley's things away," she admitted on a slight
smile. "See," she held up her hand, "I don't even wear his ring anymore.
Joyce has it now. Of course she's wearing it to provoke me. She's still
angry. And I should warn you, Riley told her a lot about vampires. And she's
got all his strange ideas about them all being evil."
"Well technically..." he began, but trailed off. Sighing he kissed her
gently on the forehead, "I know what you mean. We'll take it one day at the
time."
"But what about," she looked around, "your apartment? I can't leave
Sunnydale, not with the kids at school there and-"
"You're thinking too much. Buffy, I'm free to do whatever I want. I'm not
bound by a job so far. I have no problem living in Sunnydale. Somehow it's
like going home." He smiled slightly. "I missed it. Not just because of you.
But because it was where I got my start back to myself."
"I'm glad," she sighed, snuggling close. "I even got rid of my old bed," she
told him and smiled when she heard him chuckle.
"I can't say I'm sorry," he retorted. "I have to admit it was kind of
awkward to do it where you and Riley... you know."
"I'll bet," she grinned now. "Joyce was all for it. She asked if I intended
to sleep in the same bed with you where I did with her dad."
He raised an amused brow. "You talked with her about having sex with me?"
She blushed, "Not really. It was more about sleeping in general. But I think
she's old enough to get the drift. Besides, she already saw us in bed
together." Leaning her forehead against his chest, she groaned, "It's kind
of strange to think about your daughter as a sexual person. I can understand
very well now how my mom felt when she found out I was seeing you."
"Not to forget how the demon told her about our first time," he only
half-joked.
"Don't remind me," she groaned again, but chuckled too. "Thinking back, she
was really cool about it. I have to admire her for it now."
"So Joyce doesn't like vampires, huh?" he asked after a moment. "I can't say
I blame her. I don't particularly like them myself."
Buffy rolled her eyes at him, "Look who's talking."
"I had a soul," he reminded her.
"Yeah, I know," she said, fondly stroking his cheek. "Joyce never comes out
of her room when Spike drops... ooops," she smiled sheepishly when she saw
his eyes widen. "Wrong name?"
"Spike?" he pulled back, to stare at her as if she'd gone mad. "What do you
mean Spike drops... by?"
Buffy sighed and then took a deep breath, "It's sort of a tradition, I
guess. It started after the Hellmouth was closed. You remember him helping
us?" When she saw Angel nod, although reluctantly, she went on, "Well, after
the Hellmouth closed he was probably the only vampire who didn't leave
Sunnydale. Probably because he didn't fit into the vampire community
anymore, not with that chip in his head."
She saw the glimmer of amusement in Angel's eyes and sent him a glare, "He
really helped us, you know," she came to the blond vampire's defense. "And
then there was nothing more for him to do. Besides," she stopped, and her
lips twitched, "annoying Riley."
"Huh?"
"Riley got really mad that Spike dropped by and Spike loved it."
"Not really surprising," Angel commented. "Spike was always good at annoying
people."
"Not to forget that Riley was part of the organization that put the chip in
his head. After the Hellmouth closed, Spike disappeared for a while. Only
later he admitted he'd tried to find someone who would remove the chip. When
that didn't work out, he came back. And soon, he came regularly. We do it
once a month now and as strange as it sounds it's fun. Well, it wasn't for
the last six months, but usually it was. Except one time, when..." she
trailed off, suddenly realizing what she'd almost revealed.
But of course Angel wouldn't let her off the hook easily, "What time?" he
asked, his eyes narrowing and she thought he suspected Spike had tried to
hurt her. "What did he do?"
If she hadn't been so ashamed of her one time lapse, she would have laughed.
Angel was human now, but the way he was talking could only be described as
pure sire-childe attitude. He might not have made Spike in the strictest
sense, but loony-tunes Drusilla certainly hadn't taught the blond vampire
what he had to know and Spike had more than once referred to Angelus as his
true Sire.
Taking a deep breath she looked at Angel, "It was after a party. Shortly
after Ben was born and I had a bit too much to drink. We were celebrating
Willow and Tara's marriage. And then things... uh... got a bit out of hand.
To make a long story short, Willow found me and Spike engaged in a heated
kiss."
"What?" Angel yelped.
"Calm down," she replied, stifling a grin. It wasn't the right time to grin.
Angel looked ready for murder. "It wasn't serious. I had a... uh... I wasn't
very happy that time. Probably some kind of postnatal depression," she
shrugged and sighed, "Who knows? I... I missed you," she admitted finally.
"And Spike was the closest I could get to you. He is related to you in some
twisted way and he's... God, I can't even believe I'm saying this, but he's
cold."
"Cold?"
"Yes, no body heat. And when I closed my eyes and kissed him, I could
imagine... for a moment I made myself believe..." she broke off, giving
Angel a desperate look. "I felt so horrible afterwards. Riley had given me
so much and I... I... couldn't stop thinking of you."
"Oh Baby," he wrapped her in his arms again. "God, we're some pair of fools.
I was so lonely at times and knowing that you can never have what you really
want. For a time I even tried to imagine Cordelia and I..."
"What?" This time it was Buffy who screeched incredulously.
He grinned, "Nothing happened. Cordelia looked at me as if I'd finally grown
a third head. No way she said. No way I'm going to think about a dead body
that way. But she's a good friend. Maybe the best I ever had."
She sighed deeply, "Seems we both got... uh... sidetracked."
"Yeah," she felt him smiling at her forehead. Then suddenly he got serious
and pulled back. "I think we should get married," he said and looked down on
her.
"What?" She stared at him. Marriage? Not that she hadn't thought about it,
or dreamed of it. But could it work? On the other hand, living together was
technically the same thing, wasn't it? And she'd dreamt about marrying Angel
longer than she could remember.
Holding her close with one arm around her waist, he used his free hand to
tilt her head back. "We can't change what happened in the past, Buffy. It's
done. All we can do now is choose how to live with it - whether we're going
to let it rule the rest of our lives or if we're going to put it behind us
and move on. The way I see it, we don't really have a choice. We can all be
hurt and angry, and we can suffer, or we can deal. We can be alone and
unhappy, 'atone for our guilt', or we can make a future for ourselves. We
can make a home for Joyce, Ben, Marlie and maybe one or two more, if you
want. We can be a family."
"A family," she mused dreamily, smiling up at him.
Pulling her closer until their bodies were intimately connecting, he
grinned, "We could start right now," he said, grinning, pulling her even closer,
letting her feel his erection. Growing more solemn again, he
raised a brow, "So? What's your answer?"
Her bright smile was enough of an answer, but she still felt it necessary to
say, "Yes, Angel. I'll marry you. I'll marry you and love you forever and
ever."
He kissed her then, and without a doubt Buffy knew it was the right
decision.
*
When Buffy woke several hours later, she glanced at the bedside clock and
then at a sleeping Angel. Her legs felt a bit weak, she realized when she
moved them under the sheet, but she also felt like flying. There was no
guilt, no regret and the idea of marrying Angel felt like the most wonderful
thing on this planet. He had been her first lover. And if she had any say in
it, he would also be her last.
His bare body was long, hard, and perfect. It was amazing to her how
different they were physically, how perfectly they fit together. Her body
began to tremble at the memory of just how perfect it had been.
Leaning over she kissed him on the cheek, "Wake up, sleepyhead," she
whispered, nuzzling at his earlobe.
He blinked and then his arm snaked around her and held her to him, "I had
the most wonderful dream," he sighed.
"Yeah?" she grinned playfully.
"Oh yeah. There was this blond woman in my apartment, and she told me she
was going to marry me."
"Oh that woman," she said, still grinning, "she left about an hour ago."
"You," he growled and with a swift movement, pinned her under his body
weight. "Don't make jokes about a serious matter," he warned, and she
noticed he was only half joking. He was afraid she would change her mind.
"You are going to marry me, aren't you?"
"Oh, Angel," knowing her eyes had grown moist, but not caring, she cupped a
cheek in one of her palms, "Of course I am. I love you, I'm not going away."
"I love you too," he replied, kissing her deeply, "I can hardly wait."
"Me neither," she said, smiling up into his eyes that were filled with so
much love it almost took her breath away. Still smiling, she said, "I found
your letter, you know."
He drew his brows together, "What letter?"
"The one you wrote to Riley," she answered, and held him when she felt him
trying to draw back. "It's okay," she whispered.
"You... you're not angry?"
"I was. For about five minutes," she admitted. "I thought, that jerk, who
does he think he is, to interfere with my life?" Seeing the sudden guilt in
his eyes made her heart ache and she continued quickly, "But it changed
after that. I read the letter again and again and realized that it had been
a gift of love. Like the fact that you never told me about your Shanshu."
His mouth was dry, "Who... who told you?"
"Giles. Obviously Wesley told him one day. I still don't like it, that you
didn't tell me, but I understand why you did it. If I'd been in your place I
probably would've done the exact same thing. By the way, the letter you
wrote was beautiful. And I realized you really thought at that time that I
loved Riley, didn't you?"
He shrugged, "You told me, you loved him. So I assumed it was true. I
should've known you only said it to hurt me, but then," he smiled a bit
sheepishly, "I was so jealous, I couldn't think straight."
"I like you all possessive," she teased, pulling his head down to her and
kissing him thoroughly. "God," she sighed, "And I love the way you kiss. I
crave it."
"Is that true?" he asked, raising a brow. "Well, Madam, I can deliver that
any time."
"Good," she whispered. "Kiss me, Angel. Kiss me, and never let go."
"Your wish is my command," he replied before his lips made any talk
impossible.
... to be continued
