This is just a short chapter to show you all what Zekk's up to.
CHAPTER
SIX: IT'S A LONELY GALAXY
The Lightning Rod sat birthed in docking bay thirty-three on the planet Ord Mantell, while its captain sat at the helm trying to figure out where to go next.
Zekk ran his hands through his newly cut hair. He had figured it was time for a change, so instead of his usual almost-black hair being tied back into a ponytail, it was now short and spiky. In a strange way, the haircut helped him to forget about his past, at least for a short while. Longhaired Zekk had been the one to turn to the dark side and hurt the people he cared about, not the shorthaired person he was now.
Ord Mantell was just another one of the stops on Zekk's long journey. After more then two months of searching the galaxy, he still had not found what he was looking for. Actually, he was not exactly sure what he was looking for, and was forced to concede he may never find it.
It was not the same kind of dilemma he had been going through when he had given up the dark side after leaving the Shadow Academy. Now, instead of trying to figure out who he was and where he belonged, he was struggling to find a way to accept what he was and to make peace with the darkness within him. The darkness would always be with him; he just had to make sure that he controlled it and not the other way around.
He had returned to some of the places that he had traveled to during his bounty hunting days, including Borgo Prime, Ziost and now Ord Mantell, in hopes of finding something of his old self there. If he did, then perhaps it would help him figure out how he had been able to move forward with his life after having turned away from the dark side. Maybe he would learn why he had been unsuccessful in resisting the temptations of the dark side a second time. There had to be answers somewhere, right? But he knew for sure they would not be found on the small moon of Yavin Four.
His independence had always been something that he had deeply valued. It had felt good to be out on his own again after so long, and not having to be responsible for anyone but himself. That feeling of freedom had soon vanished though, when he realized that he was alone in the galaxy. It was not something he had wanted, but had not had much of a choice in the matter. It was either be alone or stick around and screw up the lives of everyone he cared about – not like he hadn't already done that.
He missed Jaina so much but he could not go back to her or any of his other friends until he was sure he would not slip back to the dark side like he had come so close to doing – and Jaina had nearly paid the price for his mistake.
When he had been forced to watch his old enemy, Xander Karsay, choke Jaina with the force it had awakened something in him that he had kept buried for so long. He had used the powers of the dark side to rescue Jaina, and as if that was not bad enough he had gone after Karsay, fighting him in a blind rage. Once he had given in to his negative feelings he had been unable to control them. They controlled him.
Although he had denied it to Jacen when his friend had accused him of caring more about an old vendetta then Jaina, he was now forced to admit that Jacen had been right. He should have left Karsay and gotten Jaina out of the building that was timed to blow up, but he didn't. He had told her to get out of there, knowing full well she would never listen to him, but he had went off to finish Karsay regardless of that. In the end, Karsay had injured Jaina seriously – both mentally and physically, but Zekk had gotten what he had wanted. Karsay was dead. He had killed him out of pure contempt, bringing him dangerously close to giving himself over to the dark side.
Zekk had made his decision to leave shortly after Jaina had made him tell her everything about his past as a Dark Jedi. He remembered the permanent look of revulsion on her face as he held nothing back.
To actually tell someone what he had done had left him with a feeling of relief he had been unaware he had so desperately wanted. But that did not change the fact that he was still full of the hate and anger that Karsay had helped to bring out in him. He could no longer trust his actions or himself, and he feared that not just Jaina but other people as well would suffer because of his selfishness. He needed to change what he was becoming if he wanted to go on calling himself a Jedi Knight.
Jaina had taken the news of his leaving hard – and had even said she never wanted to see him again. He still had not figured out whether she had meant it or not. She deserved better then him anyways, and he hoped one day she would be able to forgive him, so they could be friends again, like when they had been kids and before everything had gotten so complicated.
He had lost track of how many times he had sat in front of the HoloNet screen, wanting to call her. And every time he thought he had worked up enough courage to do it, he decided not to.
Zekk could not stand not knowing how she was doing, so he had managed to summon the courage to call Master Skywalker. He had not appeared angry when Zekk had called, maybe a little disappointed, but Luke Skywalker knew what it was like to feel the call of the dark side. He had almost slipped on the second Death Star when fighting his father, Darth Vader, and then years later had fallen to the dark side when the cloned Emperor Palpatine appeared. Luke had managed to come back to the light and had not slipped since, unlike Zekk.
When he asked about Jaina Luke had been completely upfront with him. He told him how Jaina was distancing herself from her friends and everyone else, and spending a lot of time alone. Luke explained that though she may be having a hard time now, one day she would understand Zekk's having to leave. He had thanked Master Skywalker and then had asked him not to tell Jaina he had called. There was no need to upset her anymore.
That had been over a month ago, and Zekk had not contacted Yavin Four since. By now, hopefully, Jaina had moved on, like he wanted her to. A day did not go by where he did not feel terrible for leaving her – again, but it was better this way. Someday she would see that. He had already hurt her too many times. She would be better off without him. And he was going to have to learn to accept that, regardless of whether or not he truly believed it.
Don't worry, Zekk's going to have a MUCH BIGGER part in my next story.
