CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: THE HEALING PROCESS
Safe on Chandrilla, Jacen made his way to the section of rooms in the medical ward that were designed for recovery patients.
Both he and Tenal Ka had spent days in a bacta tank, recuperating from a severe case of frostbite. For Jacen, the bacta had also helped to completely heal his shoulder and broken nose. Only yesterday, had the doctors decided to release him, certain that he was in good health again and would not suffer a relapse. Tenal Ka on the other hand, was being kept there, so the doctors could run some more tests on her. They wanted to be sure that her disease had not been aggravated because of what had happened to her on Rygelia.
He had given his mother a full report of what was going on there with the Syynnodes and the Yuuzhan Vong. Leia had been outraged to know that Rygelia was working with the Vong to hide slaves and was also using them to work their own mines. She had contacted the New Republic council and they said they were looking into the matter, but Jacen knew what that meant. The situation on Rygelia would be pushed to the side until the idiotic bureaucrats decided it was an issue worth looking into. Slaves were not at the top of the New Republic's list of current priorities. Killing Yuuzhan Vong and stopping them from invading other worlds was. But just because the New Republic Senate was not going to look into the matter did not mean the Jedi were going to stand aside and do nothing about the increasing slave problem.
When he had run into the doctor who was looking after Tenal Ka, a human female named Isobel Maddix, she had informed Jacen that Tenal Ka was not receiving any visitors that day. He had asked why but all he got for an answer was that she simply did not want to see anyone. Jacen found that extremely strange, and when the doctor had firmly refused to allow him to see her, he had suggested to her that she go look in on her other patients.
When he reached her room, the door was open, but he knocked on it anyways before walking in.
Tenal Ka's head snapped up when she saw. She was sitting in a self-conforming chair by the window, a blanket wrapped tightly around her. She did not look happy at all to see him.
"Jacen, what are you doing here? I told the doctor I did not want any visitors,"
"She told me the same thing, but I told her she had other patients that needed her attention," he said with a guilty smirk on his face.
"You should not have used your powers like that," she reprimanded him.
"I had to see you," he said, crossing the room and taking a seat on the edge of the bed across from where she sat.
She looked away from him. "If I had wanted to see you, I would have told the doctor that,"
"Tenal Ka, what's wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?"
She glared at him. "You really don't get it do you?"
He didn't.
"I was weak on Rygelia," she spat out the word 'weak'.
"You were injured,"
"So where you, but that did not slow you down. We almost did not escape because of me,"
"But we did escape,"
Tenal Ka hugged the blanket tighter around herself. "And it cost Tahiri her life. If I had not slowed you down, we could have been far away from the Yuuzhan Vong when your brother and her reached us,"
"Now you're starting to sound like Anakin," Jacen said to her. "What happened wasn't your fault anymore then it was mine or my brother's,"
She asked, "how is Anakin?"
Jacen shook his head. "He's not dealing with it too well. I think he's gotten past the denial stage, but he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. I'd probably be the same way if I lost my best friend," he said, locking his gaze on her.
The warrior girl held the gaze but said nothing.
"You know what's wrong with you?" Jacen said. "You're sulking,"
"I do not sulk," she said evenly.
"You can call it what you like," he began, "but the reason you're moping around here is because you can't stand the fact that for once I was stronger then you,"
She looked at him as if he had lost his mind. "That is ridiculous,"
"Is it?" Jacen said in a challenging tone. "Most of the time I'm the one who gets into trouble and need your help. But now the tables have turned and you hate it. Admit it,"
"I do not have a problem with you helping me," she said to him, "but I do have a problem with being unable to help myself,"
"I'm sure if you had been given the chance, you would have made quite a few Yuuzhan Vong sorry they had even captured a warrior from Dathomir,"
"You know what I mean, Jacen,"
"I do," he said in an understanding voice, "no one likes feeling weak, but you are not weak," he informed her. "What brought all this on, your disease?"
She looked out the window down at the landscape below, and did not answer him.
"You know you're going to have days where you don't feel well," he said slowly, "but you won't have to go through it alone,"
"Maybe I want to go through it alone," she said, still not looking at him.
Jacen's eyebrows shot up. "If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, you better stop that thought right there. You are not breaking up with me,"
"It would make things easier,"
Jacen could not believe what he was hearing. "Easier for who? You?" He shot at her. "Because then you don't have to worry about me seeing you when you feel too sick to get out of bed. Or now," he said, pointing at the blanket she had wrapped around her, "when you're freezing cold even though this room is hotter then a summer's day on Yavin Four. I'm sorry, but you're not getting rid of me that easily."
"I did not think I would be able to," she said, letting out a small smile.
"You shouldn't have even tried to,"
Tenal Ka got up from the chair and stared out the window. With her back to him, she said, "I did not want to burden you,"
"You're not a burden," he said, coming up behind her and putting his arms around her.
"I just want to be normal again," she said in a voice so low, Jacen could barely hear her.
"We could talk to my Uncle," Jacen suggested, "I'm sure he knows some place where we could start searching for a cure,"
"Jacen, we cannot waste time looking for a cure that is not out there when there is a war going on around us," she said firmly.
"That's exactly why my Uncle would be more then happy to point us in the right direction. We need fully trained and healthy Jedi if we're going to win this war,"
"I would not feel comfortable asking Master Skywalker for a leave of absence for personal reasons,"
"You wouldn't be," he said, "I'm sure there's plenty of scouting that Uncle Luke and the rest of the Republic needs doing to see what planets haven't fallen under Vong control and what's going on on the ones that are. Whatever planet or moon we end up on, we could find out that kind of information, and report back to the New Republic what section of space still don't belong to the Yuuzhan Vong. It could prove vital to the moving of refugees from worlds that have already been taken," he explained to her.
He made it sound so reasonable and logical, as if it were such a simple idea that how could someone not have thought of it before? But she knew the real reason behind his saying it. "I cannot ask you to go with me,"
"You don't have to," he said.
She knew what that meant: he was coming with her and there was nothing she could do to stop him. Together they gazed out the med rooms' window. It was spring on Chandrilla and all the flowers and trees were just starting to bloom. She had not seen anything this peaceful since the Vong had entered the galaxy.
"I miss my ship," she admitted out loud. She felt foolish for being attached to a piece of machinery that could easily be replaced, but the Rock Dragon held a lot of fond memories for her of days with her friends when they were trainees at the Jedi Academy.
"I bet Ta'a Chume will have when waiting for you when we go back to Yavin Four,"
"It won't be the same,"
"Nothing ever is," he said to her.
Leaning back against him, she whispered, "I'm scared, Jacen,"
That had caught him completely off guard. He had never expected those words to come out of the mouth of the proud and brave Dathomirian warrior and Jedi Knight. He knew how much it must have pained her to say them. He pulled her closer to him, and although he didn't say it out loud, he was scared too.
Han Solo stepped out from the summer home the Chandrilla government had gladly let his family stay in, and walked through the long wild grasses looking for his youngest son.
As soon as the government on Chandrilla had heard that the distinguished Leia Organa Solo and her family were visiting, they had been more then happy to offer them a quiet place in the country to stay for the duration of their trip. It was not the kind of circumstances that Han would consider a vacation. Jacen had spent most of it in the nearby medical center, and Anakin…he had spent the majority of his time alone, wandering in the open country land.
They had spoken a few words to each other, but nothing to spark any real conversation. Not that Han really blamed him. After the way he had treated him, he figured he was lucky to still have a second son.
Somehow, Han did not think the word 'sorry' would any longer be able to fix anything between them. He was not even sure if anything of their relationship could be salvaged. But he had to try, even if in the end Anakin decided he never wanted to speak to him again.
It did not take too long for Han to find him. His son was sitting by a small pond throwing stones into it. He knew Anakin had to have felt him approaching by now, unless he was purposely cutting himself from the force. That would not surprise Han, considering what the kid must be feeling like inside.
Han cleared his throat. "Mind if I join you?"
Anakin shrugged. "I guess if anyone knows what I'm going through, it's you," he said before throwing another stone into the pond.
Han took a seat on the ground beside him. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"What's there to talk about? She's dead," he said in a sullen voice.
Han's heart went out to him, but he didn't know what to say to that. This kind of stuff was Leia's department. Dealing with emotions and making people feel better was what she did on a regular basis. But he was the one who knew exactly what his son was feeling because he had felt that way for nearly a year now. The kid obviously needed to talk to someone before it got too late and he ended up dealing with Tahiri's death like he had dealt with Chewie's, and Han did not want to see that happen.
"It hurts, doesn't it?"
Anakin nodded, swallowing hard against the lump forming in his throat. "I miss her,"
"It's not easy losing your best friend,"
"Tahiri was more then just my best friend," he said, fighting to keep at bay the tears that were threatening to fall. "I…I love her,"
Han was completely taken aback by his son's words. He had his work cut out for him all right. Maybe he didn't know exactly what Anakin was going through.
"I didn't know you felt that way about her,"
"Neither did I," said Anakin, "until it was too late,"
"I think she knew how you felt," his father said, "you guys had that whole force strong connection thing going on,"
"How can you love someone who hurts you all the time?" Anakin said, quickly wiping away the tears that had started falling down his face. He kept thinking about how he had treated Tahiri in the days before she had been killed. "She wouldn't have even been on Rygelia if it wasn't for me,"
"Anakin, you have to stop blaming yourself for everything. You didn't know what was going to happen," Han said to him. "Her death wasn't your fault…and neither was Chewie's,"
Anakin stared hard at his father. "That's why you keep telling me Chewie would still be alive if I hadn't left him behind,"
"I shouldn't have said that, but I was angry. Angry at myself," he told his son, "but that's no excuse for the way I've treated you since he died. I blamed myself for what happened to Chewie. He was my best friend, and I should have been able to save him, but I failed. I let him die, and I thought that if I put the blame on somebody else I would feel less guilty," he admitted, "but it didn't work, and I ended up hating myself even more because of what my selfish actions were doing to you and our family." Now Han was having trouble holding back his own tears. "Anakin, you're my son and I love you. And I know this may not mean anything to you anymore because I've said it so many times, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what a horrible father I've been, and I'm sorry for everything I put you through. But I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me for all that because I don't want to lose you,"
By this point, tears had started falling down Anakin's face again. He had waited so long to hear his dad say those words to him, to have him say he had never really blamed him, and yet it was still hard for him to believe it. Then his dad surprised him again by pulling him into a fierce embrace. Anakin hugged him back with equal force. After months of disappointed glares shot his way and countless arguments, he finally had his dad back.
When they let go of each other, Anakin saw his dad was brushing away the drops of moisture that had fallen down his cheeks.
"Don't tell your mom I let loose a few tears," Han said, "she'll think I'm getting soft in my old age,"
You are, Anakin thought, but he did not think his father would appreciate him saying so, so he kept it to himself.
They both sat in silence – and for the first time in months it was not a tense silence – until Anakin said, "does it go away?"
"Does what go away?"
"The feeling of emptiness inside you,"
Should he lie to him? No, Anakin would just find it out on his own anyways. Besides, he deserved an honest answer, instead of the usual comforting lies that adults would always tell kids, and Anakin was most certainly not a child anymore.
"No it doesn't," Han answered truthfully, putting his arm around his son's shoulders, "it does get better though, but that doesn't mean you miss or love the person any less. Tahiri and Chewbacca will always be with you, Anakin. No one can ever take that away from you,"
Anakin could not imagine the feeling of loneliness or the stitch in his heart subsiding in even the least bit. But his dad was talking from his own personal experience so then he must know something about what he was talking about.
He would always miss Tahiri, that was a given. But she would also always be a part of him and that would never change, no matter how much time passed.
The EndI've already started work on a sequel, and will hopefully be able to post the first couple of chapters within the next few weeks.
