Mirror, Mirror

Disclaimer: You know the drill. Don't own Invader Zim. Don't own the Scary Monkey Show. Don't own 1984... hehe... don't ask. Just read! READ!

Chapter One: Mooing Cyborg Boy Versus The Ignorant Invader

"Therefore, you miserable children, because we won the war we did not have to endure the doom of this wonderful imagined by Orwell. Instead of listening to the Party in the totalitarian society of that time, you must listen to ME in this horrid society of THIS time," Ms. Bitters, the morbid 5th grade teacher of Skool School, said. She struck a piece of chalk on the board for effect, as well as to wake up her zoned out students. "Now repeat after me. Two plus two equals five," she said as she wrote it across the chalkboard.
"Two plus two equals five," the class repeated systematically, not caring to fully comprehend what they were even saying.
"But Ms. Bitters..." Dib objected, yet in catching her cock-eyed glare he instantly shut up.
"It seems we have an insubordinate here, class," she said, floating over to Dib with a menacing glare. "What is it, Dib? What's wrong with saying two plus two equals five?"
"It... equals... four..."
"And THAT," Ms. Bitters shrieked, "Is the exact kind of answer that would get you worthless minded children in a torture chamber, where you would be PRODDED and DRUGGED and ELECTROCUTED for months until you learn that if I say two plus two equals five, then two plus two equals FIVE!!!"
Dib sighed, looking bored again, and not bothering to tell Ms. Bitters that they weren't in a totalitarian society. He pulled out a piece of paper and began writing.
"Now," Ms. Bitters said, "As a ploy to get you doomed children out of my miserable sight, the skool has decided on a field trip. It will last ONE WEEK and you horrid, horrid things will endure it all, or you fail!"
"Field trip?" Zim inquired aloud.
Dib took this chance to taunt his archenemy. "What's wrong, Zim? Never heard of one?"
"Dib, sit down!" Ms. Bitters yelled before Zim could reply. "Now, you need your parents to sign these," she handed information packets and permission slips out to the class. "Only because by some chance of luck you DIE out there, the skool nor any of the fool teachers that signed up to be chaperones will be responsible."
Dib lifted up the paper and grinned as he read it. "Astro-Camp?"
At that moment the bell rang. The class rushed out, with Zim trailing behind, confusedly reading over the information packet about this 'field trip'.
"You should go, Zim," Dib said, walking up to him. "All normal humans go on field trips."
"I will go on this 'field trip', Dib," Zim retorted, enunciating the name.
"You do know it's at Astro-Camp, right? The place where they study space... and galaxies... and aliens..." Dib said, trying to keep up with Zim as Zim began to walk more quickly away. "I sure hope they don't suspect you. Plus... it lasts a week, Zim. You'd have to sleep there. With other humans. Who'll probably notice some sort of abnormal snoring and see you for who you are!"
"Better than mooing, cyborg-boy."
Dib opened his mouth then shut it quickly with a short 'moo' escaped. "I'm recuperating."
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"I have no other choice but to go on this... 'field trip'..." Zim said as he paced, waving the information packet around. "Tuh! Stupid human rituals. It's like that one Gir was watching on t.v.... X-mas or something like that... completely useless trash! When I take over this planet I will destroy all of it's rituals and holidays!"
"Awww... don't destroy Scary Monkey Day!" Gir said as he toddled in, holding a brainfreezy.
"There is no 'Scary Monkey Day'."
"Oh yeah," Gir lowered his mouth to the straw and sucked it, making obnoxious noises through his mouth in the process.
Zim walked over to his robot parents and gave it to the 'mother', along with a pen. "Sign this."
"Okay, honey lumpkins," the robot voice crackled, throwing the paper in the air and the pen through it. 'Dad' picked it up and put the pen in his mouth, using this to scribble something incomprehensible on it. He then swallowed the pen and folded the paper into a paper airplane, throwing it into the air.
Zim walked over, picked it up, and looked at it for a moment. "Good enough." He strolled back into the living room, rubbing his chin in thought. "Now... I must prepare. This information packet tells me everything I need!" He clenched his fist. "That inferior human Dib will not win this one."
He opened up the packet as Gir turned the television on and read a paper entitled 'Necessities'.
"Pillows... clothes... water... sunscreen... winter jacket..." he read off, mumbling. He looked up from the paper, cock-eyed. "Gir, what is this... 'bathing suit' item?"
"A suit that you bathe in," Gir answered in a way similar to the systematic answering of the children in Zim's class.
"But... why is that necessary? It is inefficient."
Gir giggled. "Seven says that too."
"Seven?"
"She's the really nice borg-lady from-"
"Borg?"
"Ohhhh! Those are the mean scary green people that a...ssi...mill...ate...," Gir stumbled over the word, "People."
"I think I'm going to stop letting you watch t.v."
"NO!" Gir leapt on the television and hugged it, sniffling. "I love T.V." He stuck his eyes up close to the screen. "Oooh... look at all the blue... and the yellow... and the rrrreeeedddd..."
Zim stood up, pacing as he went over the needed items. "I'll need a flashlight... and extra batteries... a backpack... more water..." He stopped as a sudden thought struck him. "Gir, do you think you can watch the house for me while I'm gone?"
Gir was currently banging his head against the screen of the t.v. "Red! Now blue! Now yellow! Wee! Can I have a sleepover?"
"No, Gir, you cannot have a sleepover. No humans are allowed in this house!"
"What... about... pig? And squirrel wants to come over, too."
"No, Gir," Zim said, annoyed even further. "Nothing of this EARTH is allowed in this household! Especially while I'm gone!"
Gir blinked. "What... about... that nice guy across the street! You know, the one with the black straggly hair and the Z on his shirt? I don't think he's human or from Earth!"
Zim's eyes shortened into slits and he shot Gir a 'look'. "No... I think I'll have to risk taking you with me."
"Yay! I get to go to Astro-Camp! Can I bring T.V.?"
"No!"
"What about... a brainfreezy making machine?"
"We don't have a brainfreezy making machine."
Gir's eyes glanced at a huge box behind Zim that was sitting on the kitchen floor. "Oh... kay, master." Then he went back to banging his head against the t.v. "Red! Now Yellow! Now blue! Oooh... black...."
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Dib was pacing in his room, gathering items he would need for his trip and ranting at the same time. "This is my chance! I will expose Zim for what he is! And he won't have his lab or anywhere else to hide!" He threw a six-pack of alien catching handcuffs into his hiker's backpack (just in case the first five didn't work), along with some night vision goggles, water balloons, as well as twenty bottles of water.
"You know..." Gaz began as she walked into his room, "You just might need... I don't know... clothes, a flashlight, a pillow, a toothbrush... that sort of thing that normal people take when they go on week-long trips?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Dib waved her off. "I'll put all that stuff in later."
"You don't have any more room, doofus," she pointed out the obvious.
"Oh..." Dib looked at the overstuffed backpack, and then shrugged as he pulled out a knap sack. "I'll deal with that later. By the way, why do *you* care?"
"I actually don't. I'm just dwelling in the fact that I won't see you for a week. I'll have this entire house to myself for my pizza-loving video game needs." She and Dib already knew their father probably wouldn't be around much, anyway. He was home for maybe an hour every day (to their knowledge), so it was almost like living on their own.
"Dad's going to let you stay here alone?"
"Dad doesn't care."
"Oh." Dib returned to throwing gizmos and gadgets he'd ordered from Mysterious Mysteries magazine.
"You're a real loser, Dib," she said. "What is it with you and him, anyway? Both of you are insane, both of you rant far too much, and both of you annoy the hell out of me. You'd think you were twins or something."
"Don't ever say that again," Dib suddenly said tersely, looking up for a moment from his work.
"Well, it's true."
"Zim's an alien. I am human. Zim wants to take over the world. I want to protect it. Zim is green. I am not. There are very big differences here!"
"Those are the only differences."
Dib thought for a moment. "Well... he has huge red eyes. And... um..."
"Sure, Dib," she pulled out her game slave and began playing. "I'm out of here before I waste more of my life that I could be playing improving my game."
He shook his head after she walked out, then, peeking out the door to make sure she was gone, he walked over to his bed, feeling under the pillow for the familiar object. His book. Instantly, he began writing in it.
He looked down at the permission slip when he was done, sighing. "Guess I'm going to have to go get dad's autograph again."


This is supposed to be a dark fic. And it will be! I'll have a new chapter up tomorrow or the day after, sometime before Fourth of July. So... um... look forward to miserable good-ness.
And yes, I did go to Astro-Camp. Actually, it was pretty fun. That's where I got this idea from. Sorry this chapter seems so slow to get into things. I had to get it out of my system.