Mac lay in bed a week later waiting for Harm to get in beside her. She was trying to push the problems to the back of her mind, but it wasn't working. Her mind drifted through the past four months with Harm, and the secret she had been keeping from him for two.
Her secret. The secret she had analyzed for two months, arguing with herself whether to tell him or do something she had considered so terrible that she almost couldn't bring herself to hardly even think about.
She wanted to tell him what had happened and why she hadn't been able to cope with the results. Mac knew he'd understand and he'd try to comfort her, but she couldn't handle being comforted. What she wished for was that she could have told Harm about the secret that she was holding inside before it was too late.
And it was definitely too late. It was an accident from the start, and the results were an accident as well. Mac's heart ached and she felt that this was the kind of pain Harm wouldn't be able to understand.
It had started when she missed her period two months previous. She had gone to her doctor, and found that she was pregnant. Which of course, was a total surprise being that she was on birth control and they had used protection. For a month and a half she had wandered around, torn between telling Harm or keeping it a secret for a while longer. She had even considered another alternative but immediately decided against it. She couldn't bring herself to have an abortion, because it pained her every time she thought about it.
Harm had been concerned when she had been sick, but she passed it off as a cold and the flu. He hadn't questioned it except to be concerned about her.
When Mac had finally worked up the courage to tell Harm, she waited until a day that he was at work and she had a day off. She had bought a card and set up a few baby items around his apartment to give herself courage.
But that morning, she had begun to feel uneasy. And finally, when she started spotting heavily, she panicked and went to her doctor for advice. By that afternoon, the doctor had came back in to tell Mac that she had miscarried. The doctor tried to keep her in the hospital, but the rooms were all full up and so she had regretfully sent Mac home with an order of bed rest.
Mac couldn't shake herself out of the fog she was in or shake the horrible feeling that she had that somehow, because she hadn't originally wanted the baby, that it was her fault. She had immediately taken all the baby items and packed them away with the rest of her things. And then she had just about finished and was ready to leave when Harm came home.
She knew that if she had to face him, she wouldn't be able to keep quiet so she made up something about another job offer. But he had seen through it and brought her back, and there she was.
"Mac," Harm called for the third time. She blinked in surprise and shook the thoughts out of her head.
"Hmm?" she asked.
"I said, I love you."
"I love you too."
She curled up next to him to sleep and hoped that the empty feeling she had would soon be replaced.
TBC…I will finish with what happened after and what happened with Rachel and Caleb in the next chapter(s).
