TITLE

TITLE: Finding Me (3/?)
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker
EMAIL: LaVelleBelle@aol.com
RATING: PG
PAIRING: B/R
SUMMARY: Buffy and Xander are in LA visiting Cordelia and Angel.
FEEDBACK: Yes please!
DISTRIBUTION: At my site (http://www.ourowndestiny.com) as well as FINNatics and The Hellmouth Chronicles. All others, please ask first.
DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.
DEDICATION: To Emmy, a writer who I truly admire.
NOTE: The song contained herein is called "True North" by Fisher.



Buffy leaned her arm out of the window of Angel's car; still unable to believe the vampire drove a convertible, of all things.

He never ceased to amuse her.

She looked over at him, his right hand gripping the wheel, his eyes cast firmly at the road ahead of him. He had changed so much since coming to Los Angeles. Gone was the youthfulness he used to posses, a thing of irony for sure. 242 years old or not, with her he always seemed to be young somehow. Maybe it was in the softness of their kisses, or the carefully nervous way he used to rest his hand on her knee when they were together. Somehow, he had just seemed young to her.

But now- he seemed old; like a man crossing his 20's to his 30's and realizing that more than just doing his job, he needed to take pride in it.

She smiled at him and, whether he could see her out of the corner of his eye or if they still had that sense where they could feel each other, he turned to her and smiled back.

"What?" he asked.

"I was just thinking of how different you seem," Buffy said. "Things are good out here?"

Angel thought for a moment, unsure of how exactly to answer. He wasn't sure if he should tell her about the dark path that he had taken in the past year. Would she be glad that he had made it through it, or scared that he had needed to? Of all people, he wanted to hide it the most from Buffy.

He turned his eyes back to the road and, glancing in the rear view mirror, he said, "It is now."

Cordelia smiled back at him reassuringly.

Buffy nodded, aware that there was more to the story, but not wanting to push it. They were just friends now- he didn't owe her any explanations.

"So Angel," Xander said from the backseat. "Have you sang at this place?"

"Has he ever!" Cordelia answered, laughing. "There was a petition going around to have him banned, but the Host ignored it."

"The Host?" Buffy asked, turning back to Cordelia.

"Yeah- green, horny demon who runs the place," she answered. "Big friend of Angel's."

"So he's good? I mean, he's a good demon?" Buffy asked. "The no-kill variety?"

"Yeah," Angel answered. "Look, Buffy. All the demons tonight are of the no-kill variety."

"They're all good?"

"No. Most aren't," he said, shrugging. "But we're not going there to slay. We're going there to find out some information."

"But it's safe, right?" Xander asked from the backseat. "There's a mutual respect- no slaying, no eating?"

"Most of the time," Cordelia said. "Don't worry Xander, if someone tries to eat you, I promise I'll laugh no more than 10 seconds before trying to help you."

"Children behave," Buffy laughed from the frontseat. She turned to Angel and smiled. "Now I can see why you don't invite us to visit much."

"You should see her with Wesley," Angel said, grinning. "They're almost worse."

"Stop. You're scaring me," Buffy said, laughing.

Cordelia scoffed. "I can hear you, you know?"

"Are we there yet?" Xander asked.

"Oh my God," Buffy said, giggling. "This is hell. I'm in hell."

"This is worse then hell. And I've been there," Angel said, smirking as he pulled up in front of Caritas.

"So have I, and I'm not too sure," Buffy said, smiling. She turned around in her seat and playfully smacked Xander in the head. "We're here."

++++++


As Buffy walked into the karaoke bar, she was sure she had dreamt of this place before. At the time, she hadn't considered that perhaps it had been a prophetic dream; the many species of demon huddled around their candle-lit tables and sipping their martinis while listening to a Fyoral demon belt out "Memories" had seemed like one of those dreams you had after you ate something spicy, and nothing more.

She walked past the first few tables, unable to suppress a smile at this place. Despite the fact that half the demons in the place could snap a human in two with one hand (if they had one at all) behind their back, it all seemed funny to her. She didn't think she'd ever be able to slay a demon again without hearing cheesy 70's love songs in the back of her head.

Xander was just as amused and actually let out a chuckle as he walked next to her. "Are you seeing this?" he asked her. "Or did I inadvertently take a drop of acid sometime today?"

"No," Buffy said, smiling at her friend. "This is very much happening. Gives new meaning to the term 'evil,' doesn't it?"

"I'd answer you, except I think my ears are bleeding," Xander said, smiling. "This place is seriously unreal, Buff. I feel like taking a picture because no one will ever believe us."

"Photographs are strictly forboden," The Host said, walking up to Xander and draping his arm across the boy's shoulders. "The demons get all shy. They're not quite photogenic."

"Uh," Xander said, looking at Buffy nervously. "Demon."

"Ooh, this one's bright," The Host said, taking his arm off Xander and extending his hand to Buffy. "Buffy Anne Summers," he said. "Heard a lot about you, tho the demons 'round this place make you out to be something more of a Xena meets Pamela Anderson type."

"Ok, tell me which ones so I can kill them now," Buffy said, smiling. "That's - I'm not quite sure if I should take that as a compliment or start waving my feminism flag."

"So you're the Host?" Xander asked, looking the demon over.

"Point 2 to the carpenter," The Host said, grinning. "If you did this well on the tests in high school, things may have wound up differently for you."

"Thanks. Hey, and if the job as karaoke host doesn't pan out, there's always the guidance counselor gig," Xander remarked sarcastically.

"Ouch," The Host said, grinning. "The wit on this one! So," he said, looking around the place. "Where's the tall dark and broody one?"

"Angel? He's parking the car," Xander answered. "Cordy's here too somewhere. I think her beacon spotted someone in the industry and she was honing in on the signal."

"So," The Host said, looking at Buffy and Xander. "Which one of you two will be working the pipes tonight?"

"Plumbing?" Xander asked, his eyebrow raised in question.

"I think he means singing, Xander," Buffy said, smiling. "And I don't think either of us are, actually. We're just in for the weekend and tagging along with Angel and Cordelia."

"No, I think you're here for more," The Host said, looking her over. "I think you need guidance. See Xander here, he's on the right path with Anyanka. But you," he said, looking at Buffy, "you're on the road less traveled and it's making *all* the difference- just not in a good way."

Buffy wasn't sure what to say and found herself standing, very awkwardly, in silence for a few moments. When Angel came and stood next to her, she felt relieved that the conversation would most likely shift to focus on him.

"Angel," the Host said, smiling. "Find a good parking spot?"

"No," Angel said, frowning. "Do you guys validate?"

"Of course," The Host said, grabbing a glass of alcohol from the waiter that passed by him. "See Enrico at the bar and tell him I sent you. But don't go yet- we're in for quite a musical treat tonight."

Angel sighed, his shoulders sagging dejectedly. "Ok, but for tonight I thought I'd go with something slow-"

"No sweetums," The Host said, taking a swig of his drink. "You don't have to sing for your supper tonight."

"Oh thank God," Cordelia said, walking up to the group, her arms crossed. "I just had a guy tell me I can get a national audition if, and only if, Angel promises not to sing for at least a month."

"Wow," Xander said, grinning at Angel. "You must be really bad."

"Shut up Xander," Angel muttered. "You know, I never *claimed* to be good..."

"How could you? I have a family of screecher demons who do better justice to Paul Anka than you," The Host said, chuckling. "But like I said, you get a reprieve tonight. Buffy's treating us to a song."

"Excuse me?" Buffy asked, finally able to speak again. "Um, I hope there's someone else named Buffy here tonight, because I'm not singing."

"Hon," the Host said, moving next to her and taking her hand. "Trust me. You want to hear what I have to say and I need to hear what you have to sing in order for me to tell you."

"I don't know..." Buffy said, sighing.

"Oh go for it Buffy!" Cordelia said, lightly punching the girl on the shoulder. "It's like a tarot reading but free and, well- real."

"I really have to sing? I can't just hum for a few seconds or something?"

"You gotta sing hon," the Host said, placing the empty glass on a passing waiter's tray. "The whole on the stage, microphone, squinting to read the words deal. The whole kit and kiboodle, darling. Got a song in mind?"

Buffy sighed, looking to Angel who smiled at her reassuringly. "Not really. I wouldn't know which to do."

"Just sing one from the heart," the Host suggested. "We have the widest selection of songs in LA."

"Oh yeah, I think I saw a write up on that in the LA Times," Xander said, smiling.

"I like this one," the Host said. "I think we're gonna get along great. But back to you toots," the Host said, smiling at Buffy. "Come up with a song yet?"

"I think so," Buffy said, looking down at the book. "From the heart, right?"

"From the heart."

+++++

"So is this going to be hard for me to hear?" Angel asked, looking to the Host who was sitting next to him. He stared up at the stage where Buffy was nervously waiting for the song to begin.

"Probably," the Host said, his fingers playing with the small umbrella that was stuck into his marguerita. "You can wait out in that hot little car of yours if you want. This won't take long."

"Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss her singing for anything."

*****

Buffy stood on the stage, looking down at the group of demons and friends in the crowd and she wanted nothing more than to just walk off the stage and forget all of this craziness. Cordelia had explained to her that the Host was anagogic and could read people's pasts, presents and futures, but, despite hearing what the Host had to say about Xander and how on target it was, she was still a bit dubious.

It was ironic, really. She believed in vampires and demons and every sort of monster you could imagine, but she was having trouble believing that this demon could know the path she was supposed to take when she hadn't been able to figure it out herself.

The music started and Buffy took a deep breath, reading the words on the screen and dreading the moment when they lit up and she would have to sing. Finally, the words turned red, and she began.

~*~ If this ever gets to you,
will you know it's from me?
Or would you think it was a joke,
throw it back to the sea

Or, do you, do you know
everything I'm feeling?
Do you know
no one could love you more,
My true north ~*~

The Host turned to Angel, looking at the vampire watch her. "How you doing big guy?"

Angel turned to the Host and grinned painfully. "It's hard."

"Knowing she's not singing about you?" he asked, watching as Angel crushed a straw in his hand. "Buck up cowboy. She still has you in her heart. It's just singing for him right now."

****

Buffy took a deep breath between lines and looked down at the group before her. Angel and The Host were chatting and Buffy briefly wondered if he should instead be paying attention to her. Cordelia and Xander were laughing about something- hopefully not her singing. The last time she had sung in public was back in her 7th grade talent pageant and she had taken second place. She knew she wasn't *bad* but she wasn't sure if she was exactly *good*.

The words lit up again and she continued....

~*~ If this ever gets to you,
will you please forgive me?
I was the one who let you down
It's too late for "sorry" ~*~

But do you, do you know
everything I'm feeling?
Do you know
No one could love you more,
My true north ~*~

Buffy stopped for a moment; she was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed by the song. She had heard it one night on the radio in the training room at the Magic Box and had started to cry by the second verse. The words struck too close to home, and Buffy was wondering if perhaps she had a streak of masochism in her to be singing this song on stage in front of not only her friends and a room full of demons, but Angel as well.

~*~ If I told you then-
I'd made it clear
Would you still be here?

If this ever gets to you
Will you still remember me?

And do you, do you know
Everything I'm feeling
Do you know
No one could love you more
My true north ~*~

As she sang the last note, she had to struggle to fight back the tears that so often overcame her when listening to this song.

"Thank you," she mumbled almost incoherently before placing the microphone back down on the table to the right of her. She walked off the stage, waiting at the edge to take a deep breath before she approached the table.

"So," Buffy said, slipping into the seat next to Xander. "Did I assault everyone's ears enough for one evening?"

"Buffy," Cordelia said, turning to her friend. "That was amazing. And you know if I thought it was bad, I'd be the first to jump all over you with snarky comments," she said, grinning. "How come you never told us you could sing before?"

Buffy shrugged. "Topic never came up. But thanks," she said, tucking her hair nervously behind her ear and staring at the Host and, next to him, Angel. "So can we get down to business or should I wait for the recording contracts to come pouring in?" she asked, forcing a smile onto her face.

"The lady's all work, no play," the Host said, taking another sip of his cocktail. "Ok. How about everyone leaves us be for a little tete-a-tete?"

"Yeah," Angel said, standing up. "Come on guys. Let's give them a little privacy."

"Angel," Buffy said, standing up quickly and staring at the vampire, unable to form words.

"I know Buffy," he said, understanding. "It's alright. I know."

Buffy nodded, sitting back down. "Thank you," she said, watching the group walk away and feeling very open and vulnerable with the Host in front of her. "So," she said. "Tell me my fortune."

"It's not so easy toots," The Host said, sliding a drink over to Buffy. "Have a drink."

"I don't usually..."

"Well, this isn't usually," the Host said, nodding as she took it from him. "Good girl. Now, let me tell you what I need to and then I think you have places to go. Promises to keep, miles to go before you sleep and all that jazz."

Buffy's eyes grew wide at the reference.

"Yeah, I know. That was part of your dream. It means something, you know? Your dreams usually do. Do you remember the dream you told Angel about the day before your 17th birthday?"

"I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas," Buffy said, smiling. "You can't possibly tell me that means something."

"What does Giles do now?"

"He runs the Magic Box," Buffy said. "Not an office supply warehouse."

"Yeah, well wouldn't you consider half the stuff they sell there office supplies for your vocation?" the Host asked, raising his eyebrow.

"I guess," Buffy said, shifting in her seat. "But the Vegas part?"

"It's a gamble - that place. Way I hear it lion tamers have a higher life expectancy."

"You're so reaching," Buffy said, laughing. "But how- how did you know about that dream?"

"Hon, I pretty much know everything. Like your dream last night? Tsk tsk Buffy. Chocolate syrup, whipped cream and Jude Law? Naughty naughty!"

"Please tell me *that* dream meant something," Buffy said, grinning.

"Not quite. Just your subconscious trying to remind you of all the things you're missing. Dessert and men," the Host said, snapping his fingers. "I can take care of one of those right now," he said, and an instant later a handsome waiter was at their table.

"Uh," Buffy said, "I'm not really looking to date right now," she said, blushing. "Not that you're not cute or anything," she told the waiter nervously.

The Host laughed. "Enrico, pay her no mind. How about you bring us over a nice chocolate brownie a la mode?"

"Si," Enrico said, winking at Buffy as he walked away.

"Oh my God," Buffy said, hiding her face behind her hands. "Please tell me that did not just happen."

"Oh it did," the Host said, laughing. "So now we've got the dessert issue under control and now it's just the pesky little man issue. Riley, I believe his name is?"

Buffy held in her breath; the very mention of his name had the ability to suck all of the air out of her lungs. "Yeah," she said, nodding. "I loved him, but he left and I don't think he ever knew it."

"He didn't," the Host said, all signs of kidding gone from his green face now. "He went through a lot, that guy. Still going through it. Sometimes a guy needs to find his way back to where he belongs."

"And where's that?"

"With you, sweet pea. He belongs with you."

Buffy took another deep breath and when she let it out, a smile had settled on her face. "So he'll come back to me, right? Because that's where he's supposed to be?"

"Not so fast," The Host said, leaning in closer to Buffy and clasping his hands in front of him. "I said he needs to find his way back- I didn't say he'd be the one to do it."

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, looking at him quizzically.

"You need to go out and find that man of yours," he said, looking at her. "Your true north."

"Find Riley?" Buffy asked, shaking her head. "But I have no idea where he is. The military won't tell me anything. Believe me, I've tried."

"Honey, to find your true north...you just need to go a little...south."

"South?"

"South," the Host repeated, finishing his drink. "I'll give you a hint and you'll have to find your way from there. Hard wood. You need to go deep into the hard wood."

"Hard wood? Why do I have a feeling this is some sick perverted joke?" Buffy asked skeptically. "Did Xander tell you to tell me this?"

"Hard wood sweetie. Go south and deep into the hard wood and there you'll find your Riley Finn. I wouldn't waste any time not believing me if I were you. Time is a-wasting," the Host said, getting up from the table.

"Wait-"

"Sorry sweetie. Curtain's down. Show's over. Just remember what I said and you'll find him."

"Thanks," Buffy said dejectedly.

"Hey," the Host said, smiling down at her. "Chin up. You'll figure it out."

"You know that?" she asked, looking up at him.

"No. But I tell you what- I believe it. You take that Xander with you and I think you'll find him. Have a good night," the Host said, moving past Buffy and towards the bar.

She stood up a little shakily and motioned Xander over. "We're going," she said when he reached her.

"Where?"

"South."

To Be Continued...