TITLE: Finding Me (4/10)
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker
EMAIL: NumfarGal@aol.com
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Buffy, on a tip from the Host, takes Xander on a quest to find Riley.
FEEDBACK: Yes please!
DISTRIBUTION: At my site, Our Own Destiny (http://www.ourowndestiny.com), FINNatics and The Hellmouth Chronicles. All others, please ask first.
DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all. Don't sue!
DEDICATION: To Moe, for giving the most incredible feedback ever and being one of the sweetest people I know.

On the drive back to the Hyperion, hardly a word was said between the four of them.

Angel was quietly focusing on the road, Buffy was working out a plan, Cordelia was reading over a screenplay she had gotten and Xander was trying to make sense of what had just happened and what they had just decided.

They were going south. Where exactly, neither of them knew.

Once they arrived at the hotel, they quickly and silently poured out of the car and headed into the lobby. Inside, they all stood staring at each other, unsure of what to say.

"You really were great Buffy," Angel finally said, smiling shyly. "How come you never told us you could sing?"

Buffy smiled. "I think you guys only think I'm a good singer because you've heard too many demons belt out tunes lately. Comparatively, I'm Billie Holliday. On my own, I'm more like Ethel Merman."

"Hey," Xander said, smiling. "I've heard no demons sing before tonight and I think you were great." He stopped, thinking. "Unless you count that one time with Spike in the shower."

The three of them turned to him and raised their eyebrows inquisitively. "Back up perverts," he said, shaking his head. "Not like *that*! He was staying in my basement before he got his crypt."

"So was he a good singer?" Buffy asked, a little curious.

"Let's just say that when the Gentlemen stole our voices, both me and my eardrums were a bit relieved."

They all chuckled and, after a moment and when the laughter subsided, stood in the circle in silence once more.

"So I'm going to go over this case we're working on," Cordelia said finally. She turned to Xander. "Want me to show you around the office?"

Xander looked at Buffy, who nodded. "Yeah," he said, looking over to Angel who wore the same uncomfortable look as the slayer. "I'll take the dime tour."

"That's about all you ever shelled out with me," Cordelia said, smiling. "We'll see you two in a bit. If you need us, just follow the bickering."

"Will do," Buffy said, grinning as the two of them walked away. It almost seemed like old times with the four of them, but things were different now. In fact, everything was different, especially them. The past two years had been ones of evolution for everyone, it seemed.

Unfortunately, Buffy considered her own evolution to be a backward step. She too had changed, but Buffy wasn't sure it was in a way she wanted to embrace. The first slayer had told her that she was full of love, but even now, months later, Buffy wasn't so sure.
Angel looked over at Buffy, smiling awkwardly and walked over to the couch. She followed, sitting down next to him and sighing. Her head was still swimming with everything the Host had told her and she really needed to think things through.
But what she needed most was to speak to Angel. There were things that needed to be said and apologies that needed to be made. She knew him too well to not notice the pain he went through hearing her sing that song and knowing it wasn't about him. She knew him too well to let him get away with an "It's OK." They needed to talk.

"Angel," she started, looking down and nervously picking at her nails. "About tonight..."

"It's OK Buffy," Angel said, looking over to her. "You've moved on. I'm happy for you."

"Liar," she said, looking up at him and smiling to show it was less an accusation than an admittance.

Angel nodded, looking away. "It's not easy," he said, sighing. "This is what I wanted for you. I just-" trailing off.

"You just what?" Buffy asked gently.

"I just- I'd be happier if I knew you were."

"Were what?" she asked, a little confused.

"If I knew you were happy," he said, looking back at her.

"I was," Buffy said, sighing. "Well, more like blissfully ignorant. I made so many mistakes with him. I never knew I had it in me to be so horrible and not even notice."

"You've been through a lot," Angel said. "And you have a lot on your plate. I'm sure he understood that."

"He did," Buffy admitted. "But - I think that's why he left. I had so much going on and I never opened myself up to him. I was closed down," she said, sighing. "And everyone saw it but me."

Angel nodded. "We all make mistakes, Buffy."

"Yeah," she said, clasping her hands in front of her. "But we all don't pay such prices for them."

"You'll find him," Angel said. "If the Host is sending you to, you will."

"I guess," she admitted. "But part of me thinks- what if I find him and he doesn't want to be found?"

"Buffy," Angel said, turning to her and taking her hand. "I love you," he started, looking down. "Of course, I always will. No one can help but be in love with you. Even Spike," Angel said, grinning.

Buffy groaned. "You knew about that?"

"Xander told me," he answered. "While you were singing. I have to say, that was - unexpected."

"Tell me about it," she said, gripping his hand. She took a deep breath. "Thank you, Angel. I know none of this is easy for you."

"It isn't. But you need to hear it," he said, letting her hand go and standing up.

Buffy nodded, looking up at him. "You could too, you know?"

Angel looked down. "Could what?"

She stood up to face him. "Move on. I mean, it's not like you need my permission or anything, but-"

"I know," Angel said, nodding. "I know I can, I just don't think I'll ever be really able to. Not in the ways that matter anyway."

"I'm sorry," Buffy said, sighing. "I know you've been through a rough time lately," she started, looking at him. "You don't need to say anything- I can just tell. And you don't need to tell me about it; I'm not owed any explanations. It's just- I want you to know that I'm always here for you if you need me."

"I know that," he said, nodding. "Thank you." He started to say something else, but decided to leave it at that. She had enough on her mind that it would be unfair to burden her with issues that he had, for the most part, gotten past. "You're going to leave tonight?" he asked, somewhat eager to get onto a different subject.

Buffy nodded. "Yeah. I don't want to waste any time. I've done enough of that this year," she said, sighing. "I'm sorry to just run out like this. I know we just got here but-"

"It's OK, Buffy," Angel said, smiling. "I understand. How are you guys on money?"

"Money?" Buffy asked, her eyes wide. She hadn't even thought about it. "Oh, um," she said, fidgeting. "We're OK I guess. We'll just have a healthy diet of bread and water and push our car half the way," she said, slumping back down onto the couch. "God, I'm an idiot. I didn't even think of money. I can't do this."

Angel sat back down next to her. "I can give you some money."

"Angel, I can't take your money," she said, turning to him. "It's wrong on so many levels. You have a business to run and a mortgage for this place. Not to mention how weird would it be to use your money to find Riley? I can't."

"If it makes you feel any better it's not really my money," he said, shrugging. "It's an old friend's who doesn't need it anymore. And I really want you to have it. If it will make you happy to find him..."

"It will. I mean, I think it will," Buffy said, sighing. "Are you sure about this? It still feels weird."

"I'm sure," he said, nodding. "I'll go get it now and maybe you should call home and let Giles know your plans?

"God," Buffy said again. "I didn't even think about calling them. It's just- my brain is focused on the one thing right now- find Riley. I totally forgot about the slaying. How can I just up and leave them?"

"I'm sure they can get by without you for a while. And you can tell Giles that if things get really bad, we can always come help out. I think it might be nice for us to leave Los Angeles for a while."

"OK," Buffy said, getting up and walking towards the phone. "Can you get Xander? Now that I'm actually thinking, I'm sure Anya is going to want to speak to him.

"Sure," Angel said. "I'll be right back."

Buffy took a deep breath as she picked up the receiver and held it to her ear. She dialed the Magic Box's number and hoped that everyone was still there.

"The Magic Box- your one stop shop for all your occult needs," a cheery voice answered.

"Hey Anya," Buffy said, nervously switching the receiver to the other ear. "It's Buffy. Is Giles there?"

"Buffy, is Xander there? Is he OK?" she asked, and Buffy flinched at the worried tone in her voice. They definitely should have called earlier.

"He's here, Anya. We were staying with Angel, but our plans have changed. I really need to talk to Giles."

"But Xander's OK? He's all in one piece still?"

"Yes, he's fine. He wants to talk to you too," Buffy said, grinning as Xander walked in the room. She silently mouthed "Anya" to him and pointed to the phone. "I just really need to talk to Giles first."

"Oh, he's not here," Anya said, and Buffy could hear the distinct sound of the cash register in the background. "He's out on a date with some woman."

"Giles? On a date?" Buffy said, smiling.

"Yep."

"Really?" she asked, a bit unbelieving.

"Uh huh. He did the whole nervous, stuttery thing the whole afternoon. I finally told him to get out because he was scaring the customers and making them take their money away." She sighed. "Can I talk to Xander now?"

"One second. I need you to give him a message for me. It's really important. Tell him I'll call tomorrow, but Xander and I are going to find Riley."

"Riley? Isn't he like- in the jungle or something?" Anya asked. "You're not taking Xander to the jungle. He might get bitten by a snake or eaten by a koala bear or something."

"No, he's not in the jungle anymore," Buffy said, sighing. "I got a message from Graham about a month ago letting me know that they moved on."

"So where is he now?"

"South," Buffy answered, hoping Anya wouldn't press it forward but knowing she would.

"South where?"

"We don't really know. But an anagogic demon told me that I needed to find him and I'm going to do just that. Can you just tell Giles that I'll call him tomorrow?"

"OK," Anya said, her voice showing signs of agitation. "Can I talk to Xander *now*?"

"Sure. Thanks Anya," she said, covering the receiver and handing the phone to Xander. "She doesn't sound too happy."

"Well, she's gone more than two days without me," he said, taking the phone. "How can she be anything but miserable?" He smirked, uncovering the receiver. "Hey An."

"I heard all that, you know," Anya said angrily. "I can get by just fine without you, Xander. It's just that I don't want to and it's not good for me, so come home soon, OK?"

"I'll try," Xander said, smiling. "I miss you, you know."

"I miss you too Xander," Anya said. "Your bed's too big without you in it."

"Well, I'll be back soon. We just need to take care of some things first." Xander stopped, listening to the silence on the other end. "I don't want you to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad," Anya said, and Xander could hear her sigh over the line. "I just hate you being away for so long. And-"

"And?"

"And I want you to know something. I used to worry about you and Buffy because I know how much you love her."

"Anya-" Xander started, but she wouldn't let him get another word in.

"Xander, let me finish. I was a vengeance demon for over a millennium. I've seen men at their worst and I've done the worst back to them. For those thousand years, I truly didn't believe that any man could be faithful. So for me to see you spend so much time with Buffy or with Willow, it was hard for me. I tried to be a good girlfriend, but I didn't always trust you."

"Anya-"

"The thing is this, Xander- I trust you now. And I just think you should know that. So go find Riley and come home soon, OK?"

Xander smiled. "I love you."

"I love you too Xander. Now go find him so you can come back and we can have some nice sweaty sex."

Xander laughed. "I'll try. Bye," he said, hanging up. He took a deep breath and turned back to Buffy who was grinning at him.

"All good?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said, sticking his hands in his pocket. "Surprisingly very. So- we hitting the road tonight or waiting for the morning?"

"You up for some night driving?" she asked, looking at him hopefully. "I just- I really don't think I could sit still for another minute."

"Sure," Xander answered. "I figured you'd want to go now, so I got our stuff together. We can go anytime you want."

"Now," Buffy said, ashamed of how desperate she sounded. "Now is good."

"Now it is then," Xander said, grabbing the keys from his pocket and twirling them around his finger. "I guess we'll just say goodbye to Cordy and Angel."

"OK," Buffy said, nodding. They walked towards the main office, both of them quiet as they considered the search they had ahead of them. They quickly said their goodbyes, and Angel discretely handed Buffy the envelope of money. "Take care," he said to her, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead. "Be happy."

"You too," Buffy said, taking Angel's hand and squeezing it.

+++

A half hour later, and Buffy and Xander were almost out of Los Angeles, driving with the windows down and the cool night air blowing against their faces.

Buffy took a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare herself for the journey in front of them. She turned to her friend, frowning. "Xander?"

"Yeah," Xander asked, quickly turning his eyes from the road to take in her worried look

"What is it?"

"You don't have to do this, you know? I mean, we really have no idea where we're going. South isn't exactly the most precise directions."

"We'll figure it out," Xander said.

"I guess. Just have a little faith in me," Buffy said, sighing.

"I always have," Xander said, reaching over and squeezing her hand tight. "I think you need to find a little faith in yourself."

"Maybe," Buffy said, nodding. "Maybe."

++++

Five minutes later, Xander's car passed the "You are now leaving Los Angeles" sign and they were on their way.

TO BE CONTINUED.....